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Author Topic: Strange messages from uBPDDIL  (Read 725 times)
Elizabeth22
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« on: April 21, 2019, 12:33:19 AM »

Hi, it's been a few years since I posted here. My story is kind of long so I won't get too much into the background. Honestly, I don't even know how to explain what caused me to log in and seek advice tonight.

My son has 2 children OGS with ex fiance and YGS with his wife who is uBPD, but diagnosed with bipolar.

She was arrested several years ago for abusing OGS and my son eventually decided to rationalize what she did to the point of being absolutely delusional, which caused problems between he and I and he decided to go no contact with me, because I was criticizing her for abusing OGS. I found out, later on, that several months after he went no contact with me, that YGS was removed from their home by social services due to neglect and put into foster care, they eventually got him back.

I got back in touch with her several years ago, because she is the mother of OGS and I did not want a fractured family. It seemed we had made some peace.

She has always had a thing about thinking I favor OGS over YGS, and to a point I do, because of her treatment toward OGS and feeling he needs me more (more to that, trying to keep it short as possible).

She and my son have intermittently just stopped talking to me at certain points, last time for a few years, which has made it really hard to have a relationship with YGS, and she is obsessed with this. They both blame me, of course, but she is just over the top.

So, I finally get invited to YGS's bday party and she starts making things difficult about gifts, etc, micromanaging everything,  triangulating, getting on my last nerve to the point where I dont even want to go. Also, I dont think there is one person in her family who has not been arrested for drugs or domestic violence, and they were going to be there, and I find it uncomfortable. Her uncle has even sparked up at family parties I was not at, and it's just not anything I want to be around. So, I was iffy about going.

Then I find out some things OGS has been going thru (again, long story) and I tell my son that I am not coming to the party, I am overwhelmed, I need a break. He is disappointed, asks a few questions, but overall is ok. We talk again after the party, all is good.

This is the strange part I am trying to grasp.

She sent me an email today talking about some tantrum she had regarding me and acting like we had a fight or something. We didnt and I am really careful to never disparage her to my son now. She goes on and on as if I am supposed to know what she is talking about, but I dont, but she does mention OGS and YGS again and throws a little guilt bomb in there. Then she tells me she talked to a (unamed) mutual friend about it who told her to grow up and treat me with some respect. She said she agreed.

(I think she was deliberately vague so I would HAVE to ask, then she could tell me she trash talked me to people, giving me a legit excuse to be angry and give her the fight I think she was looking for. I honestly do not want to know what she did or said.)

I am totally perplexed by this, so I did not answer, I wanted some time to think about how to answer, since I really have no clue what she is talking about and I honestly feel I am being baited here because she asked me a few weeks ago if I was mad at her or something because she said I'd been cutting her short on the phone. I was cutting the calls shorter than usual with both her and my son because I was busy and I told them that and I told her that again when she asked. She has cut calls short too because she had things to do. No big deal for me.

Later this evening, she sent me another email saying she guesses she has my answer and its too bad because she really does want to get along with me, etc etc. Again, I am perplexed, because we did not have a fight.

Then I checked my phone because I forgot to turn on  the ringer today and there are multiple calls from her also, no messages, just calls.

I dont know what to do.

I searched for articles about it and came across this and felt I did it all right?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2017/09/15-things-not-to-do-with-someone-with-borderline-personality/

I am sorry this is so long and if you stuck it out with me this far
THANK YOU 

I feel like I am being gaslighted. Is this a BPD thing? Or is it just attention seeking? Maybe its bait? I honestly do not know what to think and I am feeling like the crazy one here.

Thanks in advance.





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« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2019, 03:18:44 AM »

Hi Elizabeth
I am glad to meet you although sad for the circumstances. You have obviously been through quite a lot with your family, particularly your DIL. It sounds like you are doing all you can. Whether it is gas lighting or attention seeking or something else, what you describe does sound like BPD behavior. The good thing is, she seems interested in making some kind of peace with you. Listen to the feeling behind her idea that you had a fight. What is she trying to express?
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« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2019, 04:01:25 PM »

Hi FaithHopeLove,

Nice to meet you as well, thank you for the warm greeting and response.

It is good advice to try to zero in on the real message, and as much as I would like to give her the  benefit of the doubt, history tells me I can't.

The real message appears to be she is angry with me and all the language about being sorry, etc, was just a vessel, so to speak, to carry the real message.

I do not think she could have just sent me a message solely about her anger, without looking bad to my son, who is able to see thru her now more than he did before.

She knows I do not want to discuss this issue about YGS, but she is trying to force me to. In the article I posted, I think this falls under Cyclical Chaos:
(Do not) Be manipulated by cyclical chaos: Chaos that occurs in cycles such as every spring, every school year, every anniversary, or every holiday may be intentional or unintentional behavior. In any case, you will want to avoid getting pulled into the person’s cycle. If the cycle is manipulative and intentional, you really don’t want to allow the person to gain that much control over you or anyone else. Disrupt the cycle by deterring it, blocking it, or switching up your plans. If cycles are unintentional, a more therapeutic approach should be utilized. You can’t truly help the person if you get pulled in emotionally.



Of course other things are at play here too, her desperation tells me that. She may have gotten into some hot water with my son re her behavior about me and was setting some bait for me to respond to, so she could then play victim.

I think boundary reinforcment, using very neutral language might be the right thing to do, but my gut is telling me to just ignore it all, since I still do not have a clue what is going on here and do not wish to get into a discussion about it with her.
I absolutely do not have the emotional energy to engage with her. 
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« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2019, 04:29:05 PM »

You know best what you need. Trust your gut.
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Elizabeth22
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« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2019, 04:49:04 PM »

Thank you. It's all so frustrating and I have a feeling she is setting the stage for some huge drama.

I guess I need to understand how this all plays into BPD behavior.
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« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2019, 04:43:10 AM »

Hi Elizabeth22

I join Faith welcoming you back. I read through your previous posts from 2015, I'm so sorry for what you've been through and dealing with   You must be exhausted by it all, it's no wonder you feel zapped of emotional energy with the unexpected and confusing emails.

Excerpt
I guess I need to understand how this all plays into BPD behaviour.
What are your thoughts about DIL's behaviours?  It sounds from what you share she's thrown the kitchen sink in the email. 

WDx
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« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2019, 08:44:22 AM »

The good thing about seeing Big Drama coming is you can plan for it. Have you thought about how you will respond the next time your DIL targets you? This is a good place to "rehearse" our responses to their behavior.
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« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2019, 02:36:26 PM »

Hi Elizabeth22

I join Faith welcoming you back. I read through your previous posts from 2015, I'm so sorry for what you've been through and dealing with   You must be exhausted by it all, it's no wonder you feel zapped of emotional energy with the unexpected and confusing emails.
 What are your thoughts about DIL's behaviours?  It sounds from what you share she's thrown the kitchen sink in the email. 

WDx

Hi wendydarling,

Thank you for the welcome and thank you for taking the time to go back and read my story, I know it's a long one and that was very thoughtful of you. I think I made a few typos in my post here in this thread that made it confusing: DIL is  step mother of OGS and mother of YGS.

My thoughts about her behaviors are they are very controlling and self-centered. Everything has to be about her or she will find a way to make it about her. Everyone has to attend to her every need or she will make things very unpleasant. She is very manipulative and she will brag about how she manipulates people. When she can't, she demonizes them.


There is another event I feel is tangentially related to this but I can't quite connect the dots. She told me my xhusband (son's father) upset her. She told me  asked to borrow money from him (she is always trying to get money or things from people) and he told her enough, they are adults and they have to learn to manage their own finances, and when they do, he will consider requests for loans. I told her I did not think what he did was wrong, it's his money and he is allowed to set conditions.  She was not pleased that I said that, but she asked me what I thought. She also told me my son stopped talking to his father over it. So, months later, my son mentions talking to his dad and I said I was happy they started talking again...and my son did not know what I meant. Soo, I had to tell him what she told me and I learned 1. They did not have to borrow that money and 2. My son and his father did not stop talking because of it, it was never even an issue, my son did not know she even asked to borrow money.

So, this was another argument (and outcome) she fabricated. I don't understand it at all. This is also some kind of triangulation, correct? I know she did it to me by talking to at least one other person about me.
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Elizabeth22
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« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2019, 02:49:34 PM »

The good thing about seeing Big Drama coming is you can plan for it. Have you thought about how you will respond the next time your DIL targets you? This is a good place to "rehearse" our responses to their behavior.
Hi FaithHopeLove

I actually did end up responding this time.

You can critique me if you like.

I told her I did not know how to respond, because I didnt know what she is talking about, I did not know there were any issues between us and as far as I am concerned, all is ok.
I said whatever this is, whatever is happening, should be let go in the interest of peace and everyone involved. I said I am having a hard time dealing with some things and I would very much appreciate my boundary being respected and that I did not wish to discuss this any further.

So, to me, the important things I did here are:

1. Let her know I was unaware of what she is talking about instead of saying she is lying or something derogatory
2. Tell her everything is ok aka I am not angry
3. Ask her to think about the other people involved
4. Set a boundary and ask that it be respected

I think this is not over. I talked to my son and he briefly mentioned it when I asked him if he was any of the calls on my caller ID and he said they are all her and she sent me an email, did I get it? I said I did and that I responded to it. He did not sound like this is anything he wants to talk about or be involved in. I think she did go complaining about me to a bunch of people and didnt get any satisfaction, so she brought it to me, hoping to get a rise out of me and a real argument.
Honestly, at this point, I think the best thing to do is to shut it down when she starts and just say I don't want to discuss it (whatever "it" is).
This probably sounds really trivial compared to what other people are experiencing here, but there are some very serious things going on in my family and she is just making them a lot worse. Maybe I will post about it if I get the energy, but they pretty much center around OGS and her strange obsession with him.

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« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2019, 03:16:23 PM »

Just wanted to add: About OGS, he is in crisis right now and that is really all I can say at the moment about the serious issue my family is facing.
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« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2019, 03:20:57 PM »


So, to me, the important things I did here are:

1. Let her know I was unaware of what she is talking about instead of saying she is lying or something derogatory
2. Tell her everything is ok aka I am not angry
3. Ask her to think about the other people involved
4. Set a boundary and ask that it be respected





It seems to me like you handled this like a champ. You did not validate the invalid (re the supposed "fight" that never happened) but you did so in a nonthreatening way and you set a boundary. Just remember, boundaries are for you. Whether she respects your boundaries or not, you still keep them for your own sake.
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« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2019, 03:23:21 PM »

I am really sorry your GS is in crisis. I am praying for him. If and when you feel up to sharing more I am ready to listen.
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« Reply #12 on: April 26, 2019, 04:51:22 PM »

Thank you for your kindness and support, Faith, it means a lot to me 
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« Reply #13 on: April 29, 2019, 03:21:47 PM »

One thing your DIL's behavior made me think of is how different BPD thinking is.

In my world, there is cause (e.g. bad sleep) and effect (e.g. irritable feelings).

In BPD thinking, there is effect (e.g. feeling abandoned) and then cause (e.g. H didn't respond to text immediately, H walked out of the room, MIL doesn't agree with x opinion, etc.).

Then emotions surge without brakes. The cause is always someone else, these feelings must be caused by someone, somewhere, for doing something. They can't originate from self because  concept of self is not fully formed in BPD SD22, it's incomplete. It makes no sense that the feeling of abandonment is coming from within, a chronic feeling, because there is no sense of self on which it originates. It is (quite literally) an abandonment of self

Games usually follow to create a chance for a fleeting one-up position, which feels better than whatever surging emotions, usually not good, that she is trying desperately to avoid, and the pursuit is chronic and unrelenting. When the game is won and things are calm there may be a feeling of nothing and that feels deadening so she looks for other causes to help explain the empty abandoned feeling. If that is too much to endure in the moment, then she finds an object of rage and usually it is someone who is saying no, denying the attempt she makes to merge and fuse and cling to because she is relentlessly trying to feel connected to something whole without grasping that it's her own sense of self she is trying to unite with.

Less is more with SD22. I am learning to say simple things and sometimes nothing at all.

I also notice with your example something SD22 does, which is to split people. If I feel I am being split from H, I will call him into the room. "SD22 feels I am doing x." Or I will respond and loop in H so he is involved.

She seems to walk back a lot of things when a third party is around though I can sense the emotions just go underground.

I am all for creating a validating environment. I am also learning to deflect aggression and manipulative behavior so that I do not feel like a sucker for validating her at my expense.

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« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2019, 09:58:28 PM »

Hi livednlearned

Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry it took me so long to respond, but your post gave me so much to think about.

I guess it made me realize I won't ever see it coming, so  I should just get used to be blindsided. I do think I had a few hints this time, well they look like hints in hindsight.  I have already decided minimal contact is probably best, but she seems to have gone no contact with me now. I do think she will and has tried to split people in this situation and I know she's done it before. My son is still speaking to me, so it's not as bad as it used to be. I think she desperately wishes he would cut me off, and when he didn't, she went to a mutual friend, and didn't get any satisfaction there and then sent the email to me.

Thanks for sharing that info with me, it was extremely helpful.
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« Reply #15 on: May 08, 2019, 01:53:42 PM »

Is she medicalizing OGS?
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« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2019, 10:20:05 PM »

Is she medicalizing OGS?

OGS has issues, mental health issues. He is in out of home placement now, in a facility. That is the crisis I referenced earlier. His issues are not organic, they are due to abuse, some of which uBPDDIL is responsible for. I am not letting my son off the hook either, we have found a way to co exist and even have a relationship despite my utter horror at what has happened. Tho, it did start with OGS's mother, before age 3 - PTSD, reactive attachment disorder and he is ADHD. Then my son got custody and DIL seemed like she really wanted to be his "mom", then got sick of it really fast and started demonizing him. I did not know the extent of it until it was too late. It's really just a mess.

As far as medicalizing, she goes to the ER a lot, one ER won't even see her anymore. She has attempted diagnosing both children. She was telling people YGS was autistic, when he was not. She also thought OGS was autistic. Both have ADHD and I realize that is on the spectrum, but it's not what she meant. Btw, she is a trained LNA, used to work as one and is now on some kind of mental disability, she was approved quickly on the first try. We all found it strange.

Honestly, she scares the hell out of me, and I do not scare easily.

I hope I explained that ok.

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« Reply #17 on: May 10, 2019, 01:44:59 AM »

Hi Elizabeth

I just wanted to drop in and say Hi.

I picked up on LnL’s comment as it’s so practical and a change I too learnt early on.

Excerpt
Less is more with SD22. I am learning to say simple things and sometimes nothing at all.

When your DIL or your son pops up again you may find SET useful as an interaction tool. Whatever her behaviours, however you judge them (and it sounds there’s an awful lot to be uncomfortable about) we do really all seek the same thing: to be understood and feel loved.

SET: sympathy, empathy and truth  - have you heard of this?

authentically connect to show you mean what you say, gently said.

I’m not sure who I feel the most sorry for in this crisis. I sincerely hope you can have a relationship with your family but I can see it’s a big challenge.

Your son is in a difficult situation.

Your DIL is clearly highly emotional right now and wanting to connect.

You replied brilliantly. Prepare now for the next step.

Hugs

LP
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« Reply #18 on: May 10, 2019, 11:25:14 PM »

Hi Lollypop

Thanks so much for your kind words of encouragement, this situation is truly excruciating.  I know my son is in a very difficult situation and I am going to be perfectly honest - I feel nothing but rage toward my DIL right now, and this may have been the final straw in all of this. I simply cannot deal with her and her provocations anymore, not to mention that some of them have been literally criminal and resulting in children being taken out of the home. I don't even know if I have mentioned her illicit drug use and all the other things. I feel like I am drowning in this, it is truly the definition of walking on eggshells, I never know when the next one will crack.

I try to have empathy and compassion for her and I have, for the most part over the entire time we have known each other, treated her well.  She has manipulated everyone. She has been so destructive. I go over things in my head over and over wondering if I could have done something differently.

However, it is true that there is a lot of wisdom in limiting responses or maybe not responding at all, because you never know how it will be received, no matter how careful you are.

I don't know what the next step is here, this is an unusual place for me to be because I am usually 'the person who knows what to do' and I just don't have a clue now.

Sorry, it's been a trying day and I an extremely frustrated with all of this, but it means so much to me that you reached out. Thank you oxoxox
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« Reply #19 on: May 10, 2019, 11:44:54 PM »

I hope you feel better soon, Elizabeth
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« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2019, 03:23:04 AM »

Hi Elizabeth22

Excerpt
I don't know what the next step is here, this is an unusual place for me to be because I am usually 'the person who knows what to do' and I just don't have a clue now.

You may feel this as a negative but actually it isn’t. When I reached this point I felt flat, hopeless facing a wall I couldn’t get over. Everything I’d ever tried had failed. I came to this forum not knowing what to do.

This is your turning point Elizabeth. Accepting that you cannot change others. Trying is wasted energy. Learning how to watch without comment - well, that’s incredibly difficult but it is possible. I found it useful to vent here on this safe place while in the physical world I could do no more than learn to say nothing while my jaw literally dropped with some new insight given by my son.

I’ve no idea how you’ve coped so far but you have. Take heart, you’re resilient. You’re feeling highly emotional right now and I think it’s best to focus on calming yourself. Whatever that takes, and for as long as it takes.

I suggest a change in approach is now needed and that change is in you. What that change may be is for you to explore. The answers are here,

Given that you do not have a magic wand to solve the problems and yes, it does feel strange doesn’t it?  We cannot fix everything. Life is unfair.  - what does your future relationship with your son and his family look like to you?  

Hugs

LP

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« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2019, 08:47:11 AM »

She has manipulated everyone. She has been so destructive. I go over things in my head over and over wondering if I could have done something differently

The kinder I became with SD22, the more aggressive she became (indirectly aggressive). I found less is more because it allows me to be more authentic to who I am in those moments and gives her less of a target. She cannot control her impulses so I try to find phrases and skills that will allow me to step outside the trajectory she wants us to follow without engaging in the aggression or manipulation.

SD22 began to take me aside out of earshot of others to complain that I had done something, said something, breathed the wrong way. I learned to say, "I hear you, SD22." Sometimes I had to say, "You've given me a lot to think about" so I could walk away and try to settle my emotions and figure out what was happening. Sometimes I just nod my head and indicate I hear her, sort of a nonverbal form of validation. Then I redirect. Less words = smaller target.

Your rage may be a sign that you have surrendered important limits and things need tending.

Also, I find with SD22 that her feelings come on as quickly as they leave. I think to myself, This emotion is now. She is feeling this now. She will be feeling something different and returning to baseline. Let's see when and what she's like in a day.

It helps me recognize that her feelings trigger more quickly than mine, can impair her memory more than mine, and take longer to return to baseline than mine. I don't always need to react, and if I do, I try to respond in ways that do not escalate whenever possible. If they do escalate, I tap out because I do better when I am not feeling emotionally flooded or activated -- I take ownership of my own feelings in those moments and try to not get tangled up in what she is doing and saying and feeling.

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« Reply #22 on: May 12, 2019, 03:59:46 PM »

Hi,
I am not ignoring this, I am thinking deeply about it. You all have such great insight, and sometimes it makes me challenge myself, which is good.
I will be back to answer soon.
You are all so generous, I hate to ask for more - For now, could you please maybe keep me in your thoughts? I am going to see my OGS in the state run facility he has been in, for over a year. It is our first visit tomorrow and I am a wreck. Today is his birthday, he is 12.
Thank you. 
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« Reply #23 on: May 12, 2019, 04:46:36 PM »

Hi.

I have been following your story though I do not post on this board much.  I do want to say I will keep you in my thoughts today and tomorrow.  I wish you strength and peace and I hope you visit goes well tomorrow.

We've got ya.
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« Reply #24 on: May 13, 2019, 02:40:08 AM »

You are definitely in my thoughts. I hope yesterday's visit went well.
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« Reply #25 on: May 13, 2019, 09:12:13 AM »

 

I hope you're doing ok, E22.
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Breathe.
wendydarling
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« Reply #26 on: May 14, 2019, 01:06:40 PM »

We're keeping your thread warm, along with others I hope you're ok, having better days 
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
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« Reply #27 on: May 14, 2019, 11:34:50 PM »

 

~ OH
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« Reply #28 on: May 18, 2019, 07:40:22 PM »

Hi Everyone   

It's been such an emotionally exhausting few weeks and I just got hit with more. I am just going to talk about that now, as it may become an immediate problem. I hope you understand. Thank you in advance.

I just feel like screaming.
I talked to my son and asked him what YGS bought for his birthday present with the check we sent him. He told me they had not given him what I sent yet because they want me to give it to him personally.

I said 'oh really?' and he said yes. I then asked him why the check was already cashed. He knew nothing about it. Previously, we had checked our account online to see if it had been cashed and it was very evident she cashed it and forged my son's name, I made it out to my grandson, c/o my son, because my grandson is a minor.

I am steaming. Not only did my son not know it was cashed and now I don't have the present to give him in person, my son does not know where the money is.

So she made a big deal about me not going to the party, then steals the present.

My son sounded so embarassed and said he was going to talk to her. I told him I did not blame him and was not angry at him.

Turns out the message she sent me that had me so puzzled was about her having an absolute meltdown, about me, when he was on the phone with me and he put his hand over the phone so I couldn't hear it, and he never told her that I did not know what she said/did. He told me that tonight.

So, she sends a flowery apology about what she did, then steals her own child's present.

I just can't.

I think my son is furious but was trying not to show it, which may prompt her to contact me again and make it look like she is trying to make it better by 'apologizing'.

I do not want to talk to her, but I don't want to set her off either. I am truly done with this. My son and I talked about a lot more, but I will just limit it to this.

If she emails, I won't answer.
If she calls, I will tell her I can't discuss this with her.

Will that set her off? Honestly, I can't be nice to her now, "Matter of Fact" tone is the best I can do. I don't want her getting vengeful with my son or grandsons, but I think this is time for a super firm boundary.

Thank you   oxoxox
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #29 on: May 19, 2019, 04:05:30 AM »

Stealing your own child's birthday present is low down. No doubt. I would be hurt and angry too. You can't change her. You can only change the way you respond. Setting boundaries to protect your own sanity and well being is good. I am glad you are doing that. One of my own levels of support is Alanon. Even though my son's problem is drug addiction not alcohol they welcome me and my husband. At every meeting they say the Serenity Prayer that you probably already know because it is popular. 'God grant me the Serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." It's that first line about accepting what you cannot change that jumps up at me when I think about what you are going through. Learning Radical Acceptance was a big step towards finding peace for myself in the midst of the hurricane.
 
 
 
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Elizabeth22
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« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2019, 12:21:30 AM »

I want to thank everyone who kept me in their thoughts. I am deeply grateful, you have no idea.  
(Harri, Faith,livednlearned,wendydarling,Only Human and anyone else)

I am going to try to answer the posts here that I have not answered, because the last week or so I have read them and thought about them a lot, then tried to figure out how they have applied, are applying now and might apply in the future.

Lollypop, you were right that me being in a state of not knowing what to do was a positive, because what it meant was I did nothing, and let the next event unfold on it's own. Instead of taking action, which may have changed the natural course of things, it enabled me to let whatever was going to happen, just happen, if that makes sense. It needed to happen like that. (I think you pretty much told me it would happen like that and to observe)


livednlearned, your comment to me about the kinder you became, the more aggressive your SD22 became, has been playing over and over in my head, and it's true for me too. This is the hardest I have ever tried with my DIL, the least reactive I have been and the more I have bit my tongue, for 2 solid years. It changed nothing. She is who she is. She does not appreciate all the times so many people have had to forgive her and the list of people willing to deal with her is dwindling and I was on the list of people willing to deal with her, but not anymore.

And you are correct about my rage, I had surrendered a lot of my limits and overlooked and forgave things that should not have been overlooked or forgiven. I am a very empathetic person, but that empathy does not extend to people who abuse and neglect children. It also does not extend to people who have torn my family apart and who is basically holding my son hostage. He and I had a very good talk and we have talked in a way we have not been able to since he has been with her and I don't feel as much like I lost my son as I used to.

My husband talks to his therapist about all this, and he said that if we interact with them, they need to know they need to earn our trust back, after everything that has happened. My husband has been very affected by this too.

I think my son matured a great deal in the 3 years he did not speak to me. I attribute this to a few things 1. He was not seeing his older son, who is an 'issue' for DIL, and 2. He was not seeing or speaking to me, and I know I am an issue for her.
What happened to him is he was left alone with her. There was no one to blame when things went wrong. He HAD to face that SHE is the problem. He gets it now. I think. She broke all her promises to him and he was left alone with that.

I am going with the trust angle, because any tiny shred of trust I had in her is just gone. The only thing I will say to her, if I say anything to her is - I cannot speak to you or listen to you at this time because my trust in you is completely gone.

She has done so many other things I haven't posted about, but every single one of them has just put me here, with nothing to say to her except how I really feel, succinctly and bottom lined, no examples or anything , just my conclusion.

I have anxiety and ptsd from severe childhood abuse. I have spent decades in therapy and still go, and this has wrecked me. I am not the person I was, the person who could function and be normal, whatever that is. I used to be a really productive person and I am not anymore, I am not myself anymore, this has been going on for 11 years and it's been very traumatic.

FaithHopeLove I have been to Alanon before, it was recommended to me as a way to cope with my extremely dysfunctional family of origin, some are alcoholics. I did not find the meetings near me to be really helpful, but I am so happy you are finding something in it for you and your family.


Thank you all for helping me come to some important realizations. I will still be here venting, because I don't think it's anywhere close to over.

Love,
Elizabeth22  oxoxox
« Last Edit: May 20, 2019, 12:37:42 AM by Elizabeth22 » Logged
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« Reply #31 on: May 20, 2019, 02:23:23 AM »

Thanks for keeping us updated. It seems like you are putting the pieces together quite well. One step at a time. Focus on you and your own self care first.
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« Reply #32 on: May 24, 2019, 09:14:58 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit.  It's a worthwhile topic and feel free to continue the discussion in a new thread. 
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