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Author Topic: How do we know when we’re ready to open up to another Part2  (Read 522 times)
JNChell
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« on: April 27, 2019, 10:53:26 AM »

Grocery store gal and I exchanged names today. It was a gentle handshake. She looked away when giving me her name. However, before that she asked how S4 was feeling. He was under the weather last weekend. I told her that he was well and with his mom.

I really wanted to ask her out, but I decided not to. I’m pretty sure that there’s something there. But I’m not sure. My intuition says( “hell yeah”!), my other parts say run. “You’re attracted to what you’ve always been attracted to “.

I don’t remember the name of the TV show, but it had to do with this. There was a guy that fell in love with a girl that was less intelligent than him. Once he realized it he drank cough syrup daily and by amazing amounts to try to stay on her level. I can’t source it. This may have been a “Law and Order” episode.
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« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2019, 12:07:38 AM »

You don't know what you don't know. 

Ask her out and report back. 
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JNChell
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« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2019, 05:44:21 AM »

Will do. Thanks, Turkish.
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« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2019, 12:53:42 PM »

Hey JNChell, Suggest you skip the cough syrup and just be yourself around the grocery store gal!  That she showed concern about your son seems like a good sign to me.  As Turkish notes, you'll never know for sure what she's like until you ask her out.

LJ
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JNChell
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« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2019, 06:26:25 PM »

Hey, LJ. Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I’m nervous as all get out, but I think asking her out is the right thing to do. I think I’m going to communicate to her that I find her very attractive and that I’m interested in talking with her outside of my Saturday morning grocery shopping. That I’m interested in getting to know her and I’m curious if she’s interested in getting to know me. No expectations. Also, yes, her inquiries about my Son are a big turn on. At the top of the list.
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« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2019, 10:07:16 AM »

Hello again, JNChell, Your invitation might be better received without all the explanations.  Why not  just ask her if she would like to join you for a cup of coffee?  Starting with something low key seems like a good idea.  If she declines, it's no big deal.

LJ
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« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2019, 10:27:01 AM »

P.S.  In my view, there's no reason to be nervous.  Either she turns out to be someone you would like to see more of, or you find out that she's not your cup of tea or is not interested for whatever reason.  Either way, you come out ahead, so it's Win/Win and all OK, in my view!

LJ
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« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2019, 11:31:17 AM »

I did my usual Saturday morning grocery shopping. I was ready to ask her out. I said “hi, name.” Maybe she didn’t hear me. I was nervous and may have spoken in a low tone. She wears an earpiece. She said “I’ll be right there.” I assume that it had to do with work, but I’m also thinking that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore after exchanging names. She’s a worker. She works hard. When she was walking away she asked how I was doing, but that’s good customer service. I’m feeling pretty disappointed. I guess that I built this up in my head (idealization) and it didn’t go as I hoped or thought it would.

Maybe I’m not being patient. Maybe exchanging names scared her or made her uncomfortable. I don’t know anything about her. The thing is, is that I want to and I don’t know how to go about it. More time? More saying “hello” and small talk? Simply abandon the idea?
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« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2019, 05:17:11 PM »

JNChell,

Assuming, thinking disappointed, maybe, uncomfortable...abandon.

Sorry JNChell, this was the breakdown of your post.

She seems worth your effort and there is something that caught your eye about her, you like her, she probably has no clue.

Stop yourself and breath, what's the worst that can happen? Simple and benign rejection.

It takes guts, always does.

Don't be defeated prior to making a stand.


Try again...



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« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2019, 11:03:21 PM »

Sandb2015, you’re saying that I shouldn’t lay down? Today really threw me off. Should I keep at it?
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« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2019, 03:43:04 PM »

I seemed to have discovered some other signs of when I am ready to open up to another. One is I have found a person who genuinely likes me for who I am and this person has empathy for me. I also like the person enough to accept him for who he is and do not feel compelled to try and change the person. It seems that all my close friendships have developed after getting to know each other well over a long period of time. I am finding there are no short cuts in developing rewarding relationships, both friendships and romantic. From my experiences, the quick involvement just doesn't work as there is no real affection for the person just sexual attraction and disappointment that the love isn't there.
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JNChell
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« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2019, 07:51:39 PM »

Thanks, z. I’m on the same page with you. I’ve been impulsive when it comes to romance. I’ve also come to the realization that it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, this realization has come later in life. I’m 42. I’ve not touched or held a woman in over a year and a half. I’m very attracted to the person that I’m talking about. I hope that she is seeing me through a similar lens. I won’t know for certain until I ask her. I’m looking forward to getting to know people and letting it unfold as it should. My close and lasting friendships have developed like this, but my romantic relationships have not and it’s caused a lot of upheaval in my life. That’s on me. With all of that said, I feel ready to explore romance again. I see it differently now. I see myself differently. I’ve been alone by choice and have worked on myself. There is something about this woman and I’d like to know what it is.
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« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2019, 03:16:24 AM »

As someone who is terrible at just asking people out, I'd say:

actually, no maybe's/sort of's, full on flirt first. then you'll know.

Also, specially since she works there it would be a very clear sign. Flirting with customers is usually against company policy, it'd be "risky" for her to indulge, you'd see a very clear change and a true "hint" that she thinks its worth it.

And if you don't or you get turned down, well then you'll know as well. laugh it off and don't make it awkward, you'll have shopping to do next week

Excerpt
My intuition says( “hell yeah”!), my other parts say run. “You’re attracted to what you’ve always been attracted to “.
Well then work with it, own it, let it fill you with that which you seem to seek, just don't let it consume you like it may have in the past and you'll be fine.
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« Reply #13 on: May 06, 2019, 11:32:21 AM »

Hey JNChell, I favor a direct approach.  Why not ask her if she would like to join you for coffee/wine/beer after work sometime?  Keep it low key.  If she declines, it's no big deal and move on.

I've done plenty of projecting in my day, but find it's best to focus on the here and now.  Maybe she is interested or maybe not, but you'll never know unless you ask her.

LJ
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« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2019, 12:31:48 PM »

JNChell,

Short answer, yes.

You sound nervous, scared, it's been a while.  Nobody wants to be rejected, you haven't been, try not to project the negative, project the positive with that same energy.

She is essentially a stranger, how could you possibly know what she is thinking or how she will behave?  Stop that, we got healthy to feel strong, empowered.  Be vulnerable if just for you and learn either way.

Be a little more discreet in terms of when you may get her attention, don't expect much if she's busy.


Sometimes we need to overthink, it necessary and a gift we sometimes take for granted.

Don't use that "superpower" now and just go for it.

Don't drop a "let's go for coffee/a drink/dinner/bed Welcome new member (click to insert in post)    right away, show a stronger interest, some people that work with the public are a little numb to attention. You make need to keep that in mind if you plan on getting her attention.  

Find the opportune time to make it clear you have interest and take it from there.  Do something simple, hand her a flower and say you couldn't help yourself.  It will play out from there, feel good either way, make your own day and smile inside.

Worst...not interested, not a good time, has a boyfriend/girlfriend.  We know those already, fear let's you know, no mystery here.

Best ...now use your positive imagination and let that motivate you.  You have no clue what may come of this and the little butterflies you haven't mentioned are a good thing.


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« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2019, 12:44:17 PM »

JNChell,

So?

Has anything transpired?

Have your thoughts, feelings changed?

I must admit, I'm cheering for you and living vicariously through you.  
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« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2019, 01:39:20 PM »

I love the question posed here: How do we know when we're ready to open up to another? I keep thinking about this and am constantly discovering new insights. A new one for me is that I am ready to open up to another when I am comfortable with my boundaries and willing to enforce them.
Two examples:
For years I chatted with a man who lives near me who seems to have what some might call "sex addiction" or "out of control sexual behaviors" in that he is always chasing some woman in spite of the fact that he is married. His wife knows about his infidelities and is very unhappy about them. For years, he has played what many people describe here on this site: just doing everything to appear to play up to me, seeming to have the same interests that I have. I was never attracted to him nor would I ever go out with a married man. Yet, I continued to talk with him somehow possibly needing the attention. He seems to want me because I tend to listen to him without criticism though if he had any capacity for empathy when he talked about chasing other woman, he would have noticed the disapproval on my face. A few months ago, he sent me a group email which I believe included everyone on his Christmas list which basically bragged about his sexual exploits. I blew up when I got this email. He basically publicly humiliated his wife. I now can no longer stand to be around this man. This week he sent me the most charming kiss up long email and I immediately deleted it. I no longer want or need his attention. It just made me think of how hard it must be for those who have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone who is as charming as he is, and who does everything he/she can to appear like the love of that person's life before showing their true colors.
My other example is about how I am interacting with men these days. I am taking my time to get to know men and letting things progress on my time table. I will not be rushed into a romantic/sexual relationship as I need time to see who this person is. It is feeling right to do this, and I feel more confident in my choices. No hurry, just enjoying life, and the good things that come my way.
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JNChell
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« Reply #17 on: May 16, 2019, 07:40:42 PM »

z, are you still receiving communications from the married man? Maybe cut him off if you are. No need for a long and drawn out comment.

Like you, for me, getting to know someone is best before going deeper. We all need to learn our limitations and boundaries, but maybe it’s best to hold off on some of the urges until it feels like something that has to happen instead of just doing it and seeing what happens.
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JNChell
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« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2019, 07:45:46 PM »

Sandb2015. Not yet. I went there last weekend and she wasn’t working. Maybe this weekend. Thanks for the encouragement. My feelings haven’t changed. Just trying to find/create an opportunity.
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« Reply #19 on: May 18, 2019, 09:02:37 PM »

Hi JNChell. I'm a little late to this thread, but I'm wondering how things are going for you. Have you been there this weekend? I think everyone reading this thread is living vicariously through you with this, . Have you asked her out or had any more conversation with her?
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« Reply #20 on: May 18, 2019, 09:34:02 PM »

Hey, WoC, I’ve not seen her this weekend. I’m nervous as hell about putting myself out there and at the same time concerned whether or not I’m reading things correctly. Like, correctly as in I’ve put some work in. I’m really nervous about that. Thank you for asking, BTW. I’d like to ask you for some advice. I know that there are so many variables that can potentially play into this situation, but should I just bite the bullet and ask her? I’m not even sure if we’re on the same page, but I’m very attracted to her. I’m drawn to her. What worries me is if being drawn to her is my own red flag. The same old situation.
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« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2019, 11:57:44 PM »

JNChell,

Variables? This is not statistics or a survey construction.

Simplify it.

You saw an attractive, seemingly available woman that you LIKE.

You are recognizing your attraction to, nothing more. You want to act but you past experience is bringing to mind all that CAN exist.

Just because you want, doesn’t make it a red flag.

Nervous is good, it’s making you aware that you are a feeling and living human.

Don’t make it about the what can be wrong, might go wrong, don’t overthink.

Be vulnerable and be exposed, push yourself. Learn that you’re scared, learn what made you scared after you actually take a stand.

Feeling uncomfortable, feeling let down, feeling rejection. You can’t learn to beat them, overcome them until you face them.

I have a feeling something good will come of this regardless, I send you that positivity, whatever you are.
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JNChell
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« Reply #22 on: May 19, 2019, 03:49:42 AM »

Thanks for the encouragement and wisdom S2015. You’re right. I’m picking this apart and I need to stop before I talk myself out of even trying. I’m trying to assume the unknown. Maybe today. It’s been a good weekend, maybe I should go with the momentum. Thanks, man.
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« Reply #23 on: May 19, 2019, 06:16:19 AM »

JNChell, many years ago I worked in a grocery store. I had men come through my line who showed interest in me. If they were friendly and respectful, I had no problem with it. I did end up going out with one guy who asked me out. Others I turned down. But I was flattered by the attention, and it wasn't like I tried to avoid them in the future. If they accepted it with good grace, and they usually did, we were still friendly to each other after that.
What I think is that you should ask her out for coffee or a drink. Keep it casual. You know, "Hey, would you like to meet me for coffee (a drink) sometime?"  That's all you have to say. You don't have to go into how you find her really attractive and are drawn to her (not saying that was your plan, but just making the point). You don't want to come across as too intense. If she says no, smile and say something to the effect that you were just putting it out there. If she seems undecided, maybe you could say, "Well, just think about it and let me know if you decide you want to," and smile. If the answer is yes, hot damn!   
I get the overanalyzing part. I've done it, too! We all have a tendency to be gun shy at this point. But the agony of indecision is driving you crazy, I think. Just do it! Then you'll know and you can move on, one way or the other.  
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« Reply #24 on: May 19, 2019, 12:37:45 PM »

I want to add to WOC's post, which I 100% agree with.

I waited tables and occasionally there would be a repeat customer with whom I felt a mutual attraction. I would look forward to him coming in and hope that I got his table. I dated one of them for a considerable time.

Like what WOC suggests, all you have to do is ask her to meet for coffee sometime. A drink is a bit more forward, but coffee feels safe, and is usually in the morning or afternoon, so should things get awkward, it's easy for either party to exit comfortably.

And yes, you needn't mention that you find her attractive--that goes unsaid by asking her out. If you want to say anything along those lines, a simple "I'd like to get to know you better" would suffice.

Don't overthink it. Just do it. 
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« Reply #25 on: May 20, 2019, 01:15:07 AM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 3 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336598.msg13053484#msg13053484
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