Reengagement Triggers

[jlc31489]

Hey y'all,

As I am sure you know individuals with BPD tend to reengage with us.  Often, at least in my case, there seems to be a pattern to this.  For example, for the past 4 moths my ex would reengage monthly.  My inclination was that it had something to do with her ovulation cycle.  Holidays, too, seem to be a big trigger for them to initiate reengagement.  Either way, I am three days shy of 30 days NC and the fog is finally lifting. 

I am, however, concerned that my exDBPD will desperately try to contact me in the coming weeks because my birthday, her birthday, and our anniversary fall on consecutive days (I know right ).  Wish me luck!

Anyhow I was wondering:

1) What triggers your borderline to attempt reengament?

2) Is it a cyclical? (e.g. every few days, months, years, etc.)

3) How do you manage to maintain NC when their reengagement techniques escalate?

[hashtag_loyal]

1) What triggers your borderline to attempt reengament?

Still not sure, but I think any of my social media posts trigger it, as well as times when she is completely alone at night.

2) Is it a cyclical? (e.g. every few days, months, years, etc.)

Certainly seems to happen every 7-10 days, but we are only 1.5 months post b/u.

3) How do you manage to maintain NC when their reengagement techniques escalate?

I haven't tried NC yet, but I probably should. Last night's recycle attempt included a nuclear level of love-bombing I am trying to recover from. I may need to upgrade my bomb shelter or employ new tactics.

[hopealways]

She tends to miss me after about 2 months. This time it has been 4.5 months NC. She told me once she left a perfect boyfriend of 1 year because she missed her ex.

They do have patterns, but your guess is as good as mine when they will be triggered enough to reach out.

[Itstopsnow]

I think it may be when they have fear of abandonment from whatever situation they are currently in, whether it's another person or job related. They may resort to going back to what is familiar when things go wrong. They tend to look back with rose colored glasses when their current state is a mess . It will just keep cycling for them though. It's like a twisted merry go round. You can stay on as long as you allow yourself to be available. I'm sure if the person with BPD could they would keep every single person they dated in the game. They may not ever go back to each one of them , but knowing they have the option to brings them some level of comfort .

[Mutt]

I think it may be when they have fear of abandonment from whatever situation they are currently in, whether it's another person or job related. They may resort to going back to what is familiar when things go wrong. They tend to look back with rose colored glasses when their current state is a mess .

I can relate with that. I was split black and my ex wife was hostile with lashing out. I had maintained minimal contact with my ex wife for about a year and a half so that I could have the space to grieve and heal. Her boyfriend was not living with her and a few months after he had moved in I noticed that I was split white. Everyone that suffers from BPD is a different person with different BPD traits and severity.

She tried to talk to me about becoming friends for the kids and I saw how it coincided with what was going on in her life. I think that the closeness triggered her and she's slowly splitting him white. My ex wife knows that I'm not interested. I can be friendly but it doesn't mean that we're friends. It's hard to predict what someone will or will not do. My advice is if you're done with the relationship and you're not interested with recycling, you don't have to worry if you have boundaries.

[SummerStorm]

Mine former friend BPD reengages most often after a breakup.  Holidays seem to be a trigger for her as well, but more in terms of she often breaks up with people during holidays.  That being said, she has never reengaged with the guy she dated for six months.  Also, after today, I don't think she will reengage with me ever again. 

The first re-engagement came after she broke up with the guy she'd been dating for six months.  I think this was fueled by her wanting to go back to something comforting and familiar.  It lasted a month.

The second re-engagement came after she broke up with her most recent guy, the day after Thanksgiving.  It lasted 6 days.   

[Schermarhorn]

For me it's after her relationships fall apart.

[juniorswailing]

I'm 2 weeks out of a 5 month relationship with mine.

Other than mocking me after a FB post I made she hasn't made any contact. She is back with her previous ex and I think I may have done enough to piss her off and not contact me again.

Here's hoping anyway.

[sadmike1]

I would love to know this as well.  It seems that the more I was in contact, the more I was pushed away. I'm hoping she reaches out soon, I'm not enjoying life nearly as much as when she was in it.

I've tried all the suggestions. What is surprising is I have and am extremely successful in the endeveours I've surpassed. I've made new "friends", very attractive, kind, and considerate females. I could spend my evenings with a number of these ladies to be quite frank if I wanted to, but I have zero interest. I have to get up with my first thought being her, put on a smile, and pretend to be happy, and focus very hard on engaging others with all these new things I'm doing, life has to go on, but underneath I'm completely miserable. And when I'm alone I'm a complete wreck. I feel like I've been functioning at 10% capacity. I'm a very ambitious, successful, engaging and generally happy man. I am considered a great catch to many, but she doesn't see it that way, and I'm deeply disturbed by this fact. I generally enjoy my friends and enjoy giving to others, but now, since the discard, I am quite the opposite of what I've been.  All of these things are forced now. Every day. I feel pathetic as it comes.

Hang In there, man, and know you're not alone.

[hashtag_loyal]

I'm a very ambitious, successful, engaging and generally happy man. I am considered a great catch to many, but she doesn't see it that way, and I'm deeply disturbed by this fact.

PwBPD see their world and especially personal relationships very differently than most. They don't make rational evaluations in the same way as a non-disordered person. Please, please, please, do not let your self-worth depend on the evaluations of someone who is mentally ill.

[toddinrochester]

I'm a very ambitious, successful, engaging and generally happy man. I am considered a great catch to many, but she doesn't see it that way, and I'm deeply disturbed by this fact.

PwBPD see their world and especially personal relationships very differently than most. They don't make rational evaluations in the same way as a non-disordered person. Please, please, please, do not let your self-worth depend on the evaluations of someone who is mentally ill.

Wise advice. Very wise advice. You are pinning your self to someone that views you as a object not a person.

[PretentiousBread]

PwBPD see their world and especially personal relationships very differently than most. They don't make rational evaluations in the same way as a non-disordered person. Please, please, please, do not let your self-worth depend on the evaluations of someone who is mentally ill.

I grasped this also, and a lot of my pain relating to the manner of the discard just evaporated.

[clvrnn]

1) What triggers your borderline to attempt reengagement?

We're in the same university class, so it's usually just a proximity thing. For example we got put into the same group project, so couldn't really ignore each other. Usually it's to do with uni.

2) Is it a cyclical? (e.g. every few days, months, years, etc.)

Not sure. Since I've known ex pwBPD she disappears on me every time there is a summer break from uni, four months has been her longest silence. Don't think I'll hear from her again on this occasion.