Got a job and I'm moving AWAY

[Parents! Get help here!]

 

I got a job 3 hours away and I'm moving in 3 months.  My younger DD is coming with me and we are SOO excited.  For those who don't know me, my older DD18 is BPD and NP and moved out to live with her father about six months ago.  Although I'd been her primary caretaker for most of her life, when I refused to let her entertain her new 21 yo BF in her bedroom (she was a young 17 at the time), she moved in with her father, who did allow that behavior.  She soon cut me off, and I was amazed at how peaceful my home and life became, and although I felt a little guilty, I RELISHED the new peace and freedom.   

So, I pursued a career advancement in a different locale, and will soon be getting a huge promotion and pay raise.  We will be moving to a more cosmopolitan area, with so many opportunities for myself and younger DD (who no longer speaks with her sister for very legit reasons). 

Despite blocking me and refusing to have contact with me, my DD18 was so upset by the news of us moving away, that she came storming over here, pounding on the door, furiously demanding to see me. (God forbid I move on and pursue my own happiness I suppose.)    Fortunately, I wasn't at home at the time.  She couldn't even be bothered to greet her younger sister or speak with her.  (I know you all can instantly envision this scene, even though it is totally absurd behavior!)   In a follow-up email from her father, he says he supports her anger and confrontational behavior, buying into the idea of her being a victim and me apparantly 'deserving' this type of rage-fueled behavior.   (so much for teaching her self-regulation)

After she moved out, I realized I wasn't going to be successful in encouraging her to take responsibility for her own emotions, treatment of others, behavior and life, with him living across town and buying into and encouraging her drama and emotional theatrics.  Sad to say, she has a willing, no, he is an encouraging audience, in her father.  Not surprisingly, he sounds kind of stressed lately, after living with her for six months. 

I gladly stepped out and relinquished the role of caretaker, seized the opportunity for freedom, and I'm moving onwards and upwards!   I will soon be living 15 minutes from the beach, be in a new locale, new vibe, and so many new possibilities.  I'm so excited.   She chose him to be her exclusive parent, pushed me away with both hands a foot (via family court action, blocking my number, texts, etc.) and she absolutely freed me to enter and fully enjoy the next phase of my life.   

I've been through a whole gamut of emotions over the past six months, and the predominant one of the past 2-3 months is     

[Mirsa]

 

I got a job 3 hours away and I'm moving in 3 months.  My younger DD is coming with me and we are SOO excited.  For those who don't know me, my older DD18 is BPD and NP and moved out to live with her father about six months ago.  Although I'd been her primary caretaker for most of her life, when I refused to let her entertain her new 21 yo BF in her bedroom (she was a young 17 at the time), she moved in with her father, who did allow that behavior.  She soon cut me off, and I was amazed at how peaceful my home and life became, and although I felt a little guilty, I RELISHED the new peace and freedom.   

So, I pursued a career advancement in a different locale, and will soon be getting a huge promotion and pay raise.  We will be moving to a more cosmopolitan area, with so many opportunities for myself and younger DD (who no longer speaks with her sister for very legit reasons). 

Despite blocking me and refusing to have contact with me, my DD18 was so upset by the news of us moving away, that she came storming over here, pounding on the door, furiously demanding to see me. (God forbid I move on and pursue my own happiness I suppose.)    Fortunately, I wasn't at home at the time.  She couldn't even be bothered to greet her younger sister or speak with her.  (I know you all can instantly envision this scene, even though it is totally absurd behavior!)   In a follow-up email from her father, he says he supports her anger and confrontational behavior, buying into the idea of her being a victim and me apparantly 'deserving' this type of rage-fueled behavior.   (so much for teaching her self-regulation)

After she moved out, I realized I wasn't going to be successful in encouraging her to take responsibility for her own emotions, treatment of others, behavior and life, with him living across town and buying into and encouraging her drama and emotional theatrics.  Sad to say, she has a willing, no, he is an encouraging audience, in her father.  Not surprisingly, he sounds kind of stressed lately, after living with her for six months. 

I gladly stepped out and relinquished the role of caretaker, seized the opportunity for freedom, and I'm moving onwards and upwards!   I will soon be living 15 minutes from the beach, be in a new locale, new vibe, and so many new possibilities.  I'm so excited.   She chose him to be her exclusive parent, pushed me away with both hands a foot (via family court action, blocking my number, texts, etc.) and she absolutely freed me to enter and fully enjoy the next phase of my life.   

I've been through a whole gamut of emotions over the past six months, and the predominant one of the past 2-3 months is     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SkellyII]

After she moved out, I realized I wasn't going to be successful in encouraging her to take responsibility for her own emotions, treatment of others, behavior and life, with him living across town and buying into and encouraging her drama and emotional theatrics.  Sad to say, she has a willing, no, he is an encouraging audience, in her father.  Not surprisingly, he sounds kind of stressed lately, after living with her for six months. 

Hi Mirsa

Congrats on your new found freedom!   

September 20, 2020.

That is the date that my DD turns 18. Her mother is BPD as well as a (sometimes) recovering alcoholic, and similar to your ex, doesn't provide boundaries, and supports her extreme behaviours.
Of course that makes me the bad guy, her  mother has labeled me as "Authoritarian", and has always discouraged my daughter from accepting mine, or even her schools boundaries. She hasn't supported her therapy,  has discouraged her from taking meds, and I suspect has provided her with marijuana, which makes her paranoia even worse than it already is.

I'm currently doing everything I can while I still have some say in things, i.e. Weekly therapy, a 504 plan at school, and a case manager who's helping me coordinate things and also trying to help her with her extreme behaviours.

But, she's recently told her half-brother that she doesn't see what the fuss is all about, she's doing just fine, it's just that everyone is against her.

September 20, 2020. On that date, hopefully she will have graduated from high school, (fortunately a "D" is a passing grade, she currently has 4 out of 7 classes) and she is still living with me and attending junior college.

However, if we're not able to reach her, she will probably move in with her mother, and I will be in your position. But like you, I will have known that I've done everything I can to help her.

Take care, and have fun in your new life!

[FaithHopeLove]

    I am so happy for you Mirsa
You have chosen to live your best life.

[stampingt1]

Mirsa,

Wishing only the best for you & your younger DD!

Stampingt1

[Swimmy55]

Congrats!

[jeanoc]

I am so happy for you and your younger daughter! You both deserve happiness!

[Blueskyday]

I think this is amazing. I wish I had done it years ago. So often in these situations the other child gets overlooked as the drama engulfs everyone.

Well done!
Good luck with it all