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Author Topic: I sound like an egomaniac with a persecution complex  (Read 466 times)
Being Honest

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« on: May 19, 2019, 02:19:57 PM »

Hi.  I'm going to tell you a completely true story that sounds like fiction. I am a legitimate candidate for smartest person alive, and I'm a total failure in life with almost nothing in my bank account, largely because my mother plotted against me like some kind of crazed villain... Or, at least, it feels that way. I don't know what the truth is.

My mother has BPD (and my father is on the autistic spectrum), and when I view my life from a distance, it really feels like my mother put serious long term planning into keeping me poor and powerless forever.

I'm going to leave out a lot of important details but the shorter version goes like this: I faced constant verbal abuse and gaslighting from my mother. She didn't let me leave the house except to go to school and I wasn't allowed to invite friends over or talk on the phone socially. Additionally, I didn't have a bedroom and slept on the floor in a hallway while my siblings all had large bedrooms all to themselves. My mother was constantly making up unflattering stories about me and telling them to  anyone who would listen. At the same time, she watered down my accomplishments until they were nothing or simply denied they ever happened. Midway through grade school, I realized I would never receive any help from my parents and that it was up to me make things happen. At 13, I was offered a number of jobs, which my mother refused to let me accept. I offered to put all the money into a savings account that I wouldn't be able to touch until I was 18, but this actually sent my mother into furious panic. She told me with a murderous level of passion that she was blindly opposed to me ever having any money. I don't know whether this is just because she hated me or because she equated me having money (and opportunities) with me abandoning her. When I was a junior in high school, a number of my teachers came together and shamed her into letting me get a part time job, but she forced take the worst option available and to give her all the money I made, which she swore she'd pay back when I was in college. When I graduated, despite nearly two years of paid work, I had only $30 in my bank account despite having never spent any of it on "fun." However, the real evil part is, I was accepted to a couple of the best universities in the country and she made me turn them down. She said if I didn't go to the college of her choice, I would receive no financial help. While my scholarship offers would cover 100% of tuition and fees,  I needed money to live on (and I correctly predicted the economy would be in the toilet around the time I was graduating, so I didn't want lots of student loans). I gave in to her demands, and then she didn't help me. I spent four years living in a small apartment with no furniture, eating dried beans, rice, and instant ramen.

While I was in college, I found out that I actually tested high enough to graduate high school by age ten, and  that my parents had covered it up. They said they worried about me becoming a disobedient egomaniac. They even justified the years of verbal abuse claiming they'd just overcompensated and never even considered the possibility I might have low self-esteem.

When I graduated, I had no money, and I couldn't find a good job. I wound up having to move back in with my parents. My mother started intentionally making me sick (taking advantage of medical conditions I have in a way that's nearly impossible to prove). I nearly died. She tried to gaslight me into thinking it was all in my head, despite the fact I lost a third of my body weight. She also wrote herself check in my
 name and drained my bank account. When I told my father what she'd done, she prayed that I would die. I made her return the money and I moved away.

I agreed not to press charges if she went into therapy, but stopped going pretty quickly.

Things started looking up for me in my new city and then, she stole my identity and drained my bank account for a second time.

I don't know whether she just hates me or she tries to keep me down and powerless so I can never leave, but I think she actually yo-yos back and forth. However, ever since she did that, my brain has just not worked like it used to. I think I have PTSD. But the thing is, I'm poor, and I don't even believe my story half the time.

On top of everything else, my mother once confessed that the reason she did it all was so that no one would ever see me for who and what I am, because then people would treat me like a god. She said she saved the world from me. Later, she denied the confession. She has also said she was angry and trying to mess with my head. I don't  know.

It's like my mother is twenty different people and at least half of them want to hurt me for different reasons, but the thing is, the abuse is almost always directed at me. She would never willingly hurt anyone accept me. She spoiled my siblings and worked hard to give them good lives. They didn't have to pay their own ways through college. They didn't grow up sleeping on hardwood floor. The only explanations I can think of are that she hates me for being smart, that she's terrified of it, or that she didn't want her youngest child to ever leave her, even if I had to die.

...Again, I'm leaving a lot out.
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2019, 04:01:10 PM »

Hi.

What you describe sounds very abusive and intense and I am so sorry that you experienced that but I am glad you are reaching out to us at the same time.

I think a lot of us can relate to at least parts of your story.  You are in the right place for support and working through your history of abuse so that you can see yourself as you truly are, not through the filters your mom instilled in you.

What is your living arrangement like now?  Other than here now, do you have a support system?  Maybe not someone you talk to about this stuff but someone you hang with?

Getting all of those messages from your mom out of your head is going to be hard but it can be done.  We have a few people who are just starting the journey now with you and some who are further along.  I hope you read, and jump into other threads and share more of your story here in this one.

Again, Welcome
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2019, 02:27:03 AM »

Wow, your story sounds incredibly familiar. From the sleeping arrangements to denying you any money. Sounds like you were the scapegoat in your BPD's  triangulation, hence the bad sleeping arrangements. You are right about the lack of money, this was probably to anchore you, a BPD comes up with reasons to keep their kids always around. Which ironically is evidence she always wanted your attention, your company. Never forget, it wasn't personal. It was about her BPD, not your behaviour. Did she get annoyed if you achieved highly, especially if that took attention away from her ?

Interestingly my BPD did most of the things you write about, only she did bow to outside pressures. My teachers got me a scholarship (I was also academically advanced) and campaigned for me  to go to Uni, and her concession was as long as it was a subject that made money (i.e. none of the ones I wanted to do). Your BPD sounded very empowered, no leniency at all. That must have been very, very tough for you. Posting on here is defiantly a therapeutic step in the right direction. What other things have you done to recover from all this, so far ?
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2019, 08:45:06 PM »

Quote from: Being Honest
The only explanations I can think of are that she hates me for being smart, that she's terrified of it, or that she didn't want her youngest child to ever leave her, even if I had to die.

The first might explain her extreme scapegoating of you; the second, her extremely controlling behaviors.  It goes without saying that some of what she did was criminal. A healthy parent would support a child like you, while enacting appropriate boundaries to protect you and foster your intellect.

Where are you now,  and where do you want to go? How can we help?
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Being Honest

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« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2019, 07:21:00 PM »

Thanks for the kind replies.

I am currently in the process of moving from a small, rural college town to a big city in a different state. My wife is a college professor, and she was offered a slightly better paying job, but really we are moving so that I can hopefully have better opportunities. It's exciting because my degrees are better suited for big cities, yet terrifying because on paper, I haven't done much outside of academia. In the thirteen years since I graduated college for the first time, I have  three years experience as a journalist and a year and a half of teaching English as a second language. The rest of that time was spent on jobs like making pizzas, cleaning tables at a Chinese restaurant, and running the night shift at a supermarket. I'm hoping to make it as an author, but so far I've gotten nothing but rejections.

I'm going to end this here, because I keep rambling then deleting what I rambled...
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« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2019, 10:57:10 AM »

Good to see you back, was it writers block ?

Marketing and PR people always need good writers, technical authors (manuals etc...) also earn very well. As your mother was always watering down your achievements (as was mine) never forget you are probably far more capable than you think you are, I know I am ... or am I ? Best of luck in the big smoke - freedom ! Don't forget to write.  
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« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2019, 11:16:42 PM »

Being Honest you aren't alone.

The rest of that time was spent on jobs like making pizzas, cleaning tables at a Chinese restaurant, and running the night shift at a supermarket.
I've done jobs like these too. I've bused tables, cleaned drains; and faced angry humans for pay (customer service)—the last one simultaneously under the yoke of the worst boss I've ever had. I've had very good bosses before.

Honestly I preferred busing tables and cleaning drains because I knew where the work was without being in a state of hypervigilance from upstairs and outside. Customers aside, at least drain sludge behaves how you expect it to!

I have a good boss now and I share that hope of improvement in your life with you too.


Your parents don't define who you are. Me too—I had a parent that tried to influence me by downplaying my abilities, and that came in the form of accusing me of serious clinical labels et al.  

This parent also gave me a similar confession to yours—"so you know what it feels like (to be sick)".

In some ways, as a child, this influences you to believe you are actually sick—blessedly for some of us, it didn't take. And people like that will get their comeuppance one day.

Well done on building a work life and relational life for yourself away from your difficult childhood. I do think that's a positive way of building things separate from your family of origin. I'm sure it wasn't easy sometimes.


I hope you're enjoying your peace and hope you'll share more.
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Being Honest

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« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2019, 11:32:44 AM »

A lot of the comments about my mother's scapegoating have really struck me. There is something kind of big that I left out of my original post: My older brother is on the autistic spectrum and wasn't diagnosed until his mid-to-late 30s. He's the most extreme case that could go undiagnosed for so long, and in many ways he's the worst case scenario as he had a history of violence when he was younger.

Much of what I went through with my mother seemed to be her using me as a whipping boy for him.

He's nine years older than me. When he would attack me (which sometimes  involved weapons), my mother would never scold him and instead yell at and/or punish me "provoking him."

When I was four and he was 13, he gave me a concussion and she refused to believe I was actually hurt. She kept insisting I was faking for attention. Eventually, she did take me to a doctor who confirmed I really did have a concussion. She still wouldn't believe it. She claimed I tricked the doctor.

When I was 15 and he was 24, I had to forcefully restrain him after he attacked my sister who was 18 at the time. As far as I am aware, it was his last incident of violence. When my mother saw me holding my brother, she started hitting me in the head, demanding I let him go. The two of them working together got my arms apart. She assumed I was the aggressor, disowned me, said she was going to send me to military school, and said she didn't care if I died. When she found out what really happened, she refused to apologize claiming her assumptions were appropriate and her actions would've been appropriate if her assumptions were correct.

When I was 18, I was estimated at 6% body fat and she demanded I go on a low-fat, low-carb, weight-loss diet because "your brother's getting fat." She wasn't going to make him diet, but she wanted me to go full anorexia to make her feel better. "Just do this for me! ...You stubborn little..."

There are countless other examples.
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« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2019, 02:11:18 AM »

Hi Being Honest,

Your mother was totally unfair to you, I hope you realise this has nothing to do with your behaviour and was not your fault. What you are describing in classic triangulation. Your mother purposefully paints you brother blameless and you wrong all the time. This is designed to build a wall between you and your brother. He will become entitled and hence angry with you if he doesn’t always win the prize, and you are supposed to become resentful of him due to the injustice.

My older brother was also very violent, punch me to the floar infront of my BPD mom and she would just tell me off for making him jealous. He gave me black eyes, cracked rid, hit me with metal bars the lot. It was people outside the family that would try and stop him. Bullies always justify what they do. My bro and yours both lack empathy and someone with BPD also lack empathy and they often have an affiliation. Probably why they were the golden child. So you and I were only scapegoated because that was the only available roll left. Not our fault, not fair, not going to change. I was never scapegoated outside the family, quiet the opposite. So my solution was to stay outside the family, worked well. Wishing you peace.
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« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2019, 05:54:10 PM »

Hi, I am also relatively new here, and wanted to jump in on your thread BeingHonest, because a lot of what you said resonates with me. It sounds like your situation was a lot harder than what I have dealt with, but I empathize so much with you, particularly the portions about setting siblings against each other and controlling/trying to prevent college.

Either way, it sounds like you do have a better support system, and you didn't let her prevent you from getting to college, or starting to establish your adult life.

I know it may not be possible, but is there any chance of you and your brother being able to change your dynamic to be a support for each other?
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Being Honest

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« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2019, 07:37:09 PM »

My brother and I have somewhat connected  as adults, but (probably because of his autism) he isn't that interested in relationships. He still lives with my parents and spends every moment he isn't at work glued to his computer or reading books. That's just kind of the way he  likes it. He would rather all his communication be in writing.

I've offered to edit things he writes. I've tried sending him emails. He's just not interested.
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« Reply #11 on: June 22, 2019, 01:59:12 PM »

So he is still living with him. That definitely makes it harder. But nice that you have tried to help him. Sorry it isn't a viable option right now.
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« Reply #12 on: June 23, 2019, 11:11:26 AM »

Much of what I went through with my mother seemed to be her using me as a whipping boy for him.
Sometimes a parent may try to play one child against the other to get what the parent wants.

When he would attack me (which sometimes  involved weapons), my mother would never scold him and instead yell at and/or punish me "provoking him."
[...]
She still wouldn't believe it. She claimed I tricked the doctor.
Some people have a very warped sense of what facts are. Your mother sounds like this in these situations. When I spoke to some of my friends from 'normal' families about instances like that, they were variously shocked, surprised, and flabbergasted. It was completely out of their world that a parent-figure would behave like that.

"Just do this for me! ...You stubborn little..."
I hated one of my parents for doing this on a regular basis.

I think—consistent with a few reliable sources—you have to embrace your role as the emotionally mature party and set the direction of the relationship. Not being the parent to the parent. Not expecting the parent will change, or thinking your tactics will be 100% effective in getting what outcomes you want—but setting the direction. Being mature enough not to get hooked when that parent doesn't behave. Create the relationship that is effective for you—knowing it will never be a relationship you truly want or can get.

Finding peace even in a competitive environment when it seems like 95% of everyone you meet has a truly fulfilling nurturing relationship with parents that help and care.

Good luck and enjoy your peace.
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« Reply #13 on: June 28, 2019, 06:12:09 PM »

My heart goes out to being chosen by your mother to be the scapegoat while your other siblings were favored. Both my parents' families have long histories of scapegoating certain children in the family and unfortunately this continues today with the younger generations. There is so much pain, anger, and frustration about how the scapegoating affects the past and the present, and it can impact the future. Now you seem to understand the impact of all the abuse, and are taking steps to have a better future. I am glad to hear that you have gotten married, trying to get a better job, and are looking to make up for lost time.
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Being Honest

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« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2019, 01:20:29 PM »

I would love to make up for lost time. I would love to be a successful person, and I think, for my recovery, that's what I really need. Everyday I spend in poverty, it's like looking at a scar my mother gave me. The problem is, things just haven't seemed to work out for me. I've excelled at every  job I've been given, but employers have taken advantage of me. For example, I used to run the night shift at a mom-and-pop supermarket. I had worked my way up to third in command of a store with about 30 employees. Business was good. However, the owner openly refused to pay me what I was worth because, "You're a college graduate who's just going to leave as soon as something better comes along."
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« Reply #15 on: July 02, 2019, 06:14:15 PM »

I hear you when you say you want to make up for lost time. This is a common feeling when being abused by our mother in childhood and as an adult has so many long term negative impacts on our life in the present moment and going forward. I am wondering if you have ever done therapy and/or would consider it. Many people who have had abusive childhoods who post on this site have found therapy to be very helpful in healing and getting past how the abuse continues to affect us.
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« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2019, 09:59:30 AM »

I am wondering if you have ever done therapy and/or would consider it.
I'm also interested in your response to this Being Honest.


We're here to support each other here—including struggles beyond the relationship with the disordered person. I know how it feels when you're giving more than you think you could receive in kind at work. What did you do in this situation?
"You're a college graduate who's just going to leave as soon as something better comes along."
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« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2019, 11:19:01 AM »

I'm just going to go off on a job tangent for a minute 

However, the owner openly refused to pay me what I was worth because, "You're a college graduate who's just going to leave as soon as something better comes along."

Well that was dumb of them, by not paying you what you are worth and saying what they did I imagine that just drove you to leave sooner (it would me) and that left them without a good Manager.  They shot themselves in the foot.  Honestly, though working in a place where they don't see your value is not a good fit.

What I do see there though is your work ethic and ability to work your way up.  I have a college degree but don't use it, I ended up in a completely different field because I started at the bottom and began to add skills and worked my way up.  College isn't just about the degree it's about all those other skills we learn as we gain our independence, problem solving, connecting dots, people skills, meeting deadlines, multi-tasking etc.

It's okay to start at the bottom and learn something new, set a goal and grow. I would guess that most of us don't get our dream job right off the bat.  For me it has been about learning new things, building skills, looking at each job and asking myself what do I like most about this, what am I best at, and trying to grow those things.

In terms of work/career it's okay to just start where you are.  There are career counselors out there that can help you define a direction, give you ideas about jobs that might be good for you that you haven't even heard of (we don't know what we don't know), help you with your interviewing, resume writing skills etc.  If there is something you want to do read up on it...how to books, articles, internet etc.

Even though the mom & pop store wasn't the right place for you, your work there demonstrated that you could learn new things, customer service, managing money & merchandise, the ability to work with and manage other employees, think on your feet etc. Look at the skills you needed/used in all your jobs because although they aren't necessarily Journalist specific all of your jobs have you talking with people and developing your people skills which would be a key component in collecting information to write an article.

My Partner has a Bachelor's Degree in Journalism and he too tried a lot of jobs before he ended up as a real-estate underwriter.  Underwriting has tapped into his analytical side but he loves cars and writes articles and car reviews for an on-line car site so he still gets to use his creative side to write about a topic he loves.

I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Textiles and I have worked in Human Resources/Benefits for about 29 years starting as a receptionist, moving to pension clerk, to pension processor, to a HR Secretary at a hospital promoted twice, moved and went into medical utilization review/case management for an insurance company, back to HR in a hospital where I currently do payroll, compliance and record keeping but have worn many other hats.  And I participate in the Hospital Holiday Craft Fair selling scarves I make (because I still love making textiles).

So maybe you end up a writer or maybe you tap into something else.  I guess what I'm getting at is that there is no one path to career success there are many, and you might start on one path and end up somewhere completely different.

When you move and get to that new city (or even before you move) get on line and start looking at jobs see what's out there, what appeals to you, look at where your skills could be useful,  look outside your box too.

Panda39
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Being Honest

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« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2019, 09:11:17 PM »

To answer a question from a few replies up, yes, I have done some therapy in the last two years, but I am not currently in therapy. I got the therapy through the college my wife teaches at. I qualified as a spouse, but things fell apart a while back. The therapist I was seeing recommended I switch to a different therapist so I could receive EMDR therapy, but the therapist I switched to was suddenly made Dean of Students after the previous Dean of Students was diagnosed with cancer. I probably should've gone back to the original therapist, but I've been working two  or three jobs (depending on what point in time we are talking about) ever since then.
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