Exit Strategy?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Can anyone direct me to information on this site for creating an exit strategy?  Also, if anyone has their own words of wisdom, I welcome that as well.  Some of you have already helped me immensely, and I deeply appreciate it.  I believe I am at a point where my own mental and physical health takes priority over trying to maintain my marriage to BPD husband.  This is a second marriage of only 3 years, no children. We are older. He is not physically abusive and I am not concerned for my safety, and I do have places to go if needed. I don't think he'll take me to the cleaners financially, but I'd like to safeguard that and have all my safety nets in place before I start communicating to him about divorce. I need guidance in putting my own ducks in a row.  Thank you.

[nuthereggsheller]

Can anyone direct me to information on this site for creating an exit strategy?  Also, if anyone has their own words of wisdom, I welcome that as well.  Some of you have already helped me immensely, and I deeply appreciate it.  I believe I am at a point where my own mental and physical health takes priority over trying to maintain my marriage to BPD husband.  This is a second marriage of only 3 years, no children. We are older. He is not physically abusive and I am not concerned for my safety, and I do have places to go if needed. I don't think he'll take me to the cleaners financially, but I'd like to safeguard that and have all my safety nets in place before I start communicating to him about divorce. I need guidance in putting my own ducks in a row.  Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Good that that are are no children of the failing marriage.  Divorce will probably still be difficult but at least custody and child support issues won't complicate things.

Time to get a few legal consultations.  Usually inexpensive or sometimes free, you don't need to pay a retainer until you decide to hire a lawyer.  Most lawyers are only capable of handling the simpler cases... filing forms, expecting easy settlements and hand holding.  When interviewing and seeking strategies, a valid question can be "If you yourself were facing a high conflict or unreasonable spouse, who would to want to handle your case?"  (It's okay, good lawyers know they're not going to get everyone who walks in the door as a client.  Those answers should help you create a short list of lawyer to consider hiring.

Prepare for your consultations.  Make a list of your concerns and questions to ask the lawyers.  Could your spouse realistically try to seek spousal support from you?  A three year marriage is relatively short, odds are no court would order alimony (post-divorce).  However, if you've been supporting him during the marriage, there may be risk that a court could order you to continue supporting him until the divorce is final.

Which material assets or debts are joint?  Credit cards?  Homes?  Rents?  Mortgages?  Vehicles?  Loans?  If there are large debts, make a list of which debts were clearly your obligations or his obligations versus obligations of the marriage.

Beware of "appeasing the beast".  "Gifting" him too much of virtually anything could backfire, he might not appreciate your generosity and could encourage him to seek even more.

You may wish to be strategic on how you mention your wants.  For example, if you know he wants some things you don't care much about, you could say you want them.  Then during negotiations you could let him feel he "won" when he got them and he let you have the things you really wanted, so for you there's not that much of a downside.

Beware of sharing too much information (TMI).  During a marriage you share information because the goal is for the marriage to prosper.  When switching to unwinding the marriage, you drastically limit what you share.  Why?  The other could find ways to use that information to sabotage you.

Also beware of well-intentioned but risky apologies.  It is common for us to want to smooth things over and thus be too willing to apologize.  "Warning, Will Robinson!"  If you apologize for whatever, there is risk your spouse could use it to make you look bad or make claims against you.  So don't say, "I'm sorry for..."  Better to rephrase such as this way, "I'm sorry you feel..."  That way he can't use it against you since you're addressing his perceptions.

[livednlearned]

What are some of your concerns about leaving him?

[nuthereggsheller]

Thank you, Foreverdad.  Livednlearned, I'm not sure what you are asking. Would you be more specific?  Thanks.

[livednlearned]

Your concerns, as in what he is most likely to do, based on past behavior.

It will help friends here think about what most matters in an exit strategy for what you're dealing with.

For example, if your H stonewalls as a way to control, then he is likely to do that when you divorce him.

[nuthereggsheller]

Ah, gotcha.  He will likely get angry, desperate, and manipulative, trying to convince me why I'm wrong. He may stonewall, but he usually stonewalls when he is the initiator of the problem. For example, if he perceives that I say or do something wrong, or have some ill intent, and he's convinced that it's reality, that's when he'll stonewall me.  In the case of me initiating divorce, or even just telling him my intent, my concern is that he'll be emotionally charged, and do a lot of yelling, and then either do a 180 to "baby, please don't do this" or possibly give a disgusted "okAY!" and be uncooperative, angry and uncommunicative.  I'm pretty sure I can hold my composure, but I know that interaction is going to be very very very uncomfortable for me.

[nuthereggsheller]

Oh, and, I'm concerned that he will hurt me financially. He would do it intentionally. He's just not good with money, is in debt, has exhausted his financial resources and has been living off of me for 2 years. If he adds money to his credit cards, I don't want to end up footing the bill.

I'm also concerned about going the lawyer route because in his previous divorce, he wanted to just part peacefully and come to an agreement on her spousal support, which he was willing to provide. She insisted on hiring a lawyer and he was angry over the thousands of dollars they ended up spending when they could have sat down and signed and submitted the paperwork together quietly.  So he isn't entirely unreasonable, just... hot-headed.

[ForeverDad]

Credit cards... Make sure you don't have joint cards, that is, where you both are joint account holders.  If you have any joint ones then best to get them paid off and Closed.  Why?  If you try to close them and he keeps adding charges to them, then the companies may refuse to close the accounts.  You could call and suspend them with the goal to get them paid off, then he could call afterward and reactivate them.

It is easier to deal with account where one spouse is the account holder and the other is merely a card holder.  If he's the account holder you can just call the company and have them remove you as card holder.  If you're the account holder you can just call the company and have them remove him as card holder.

States may vary in how they view debts.  Some may see debt as joint obligations of the marriage unless you can document that the majority of the debt is one spouse's actions and not marital expenses.

About his prior divorce... Odds are he has told you his perceptions of his prior divorce.  Unless you can independently confirm his statements, you may want to have a skeptical eye about his claims of what went down.  (Usually not good to tell him you don't trust his account, you really just don't know and so why trigger him without tangible docs or independent confirmation?)

If you've met the ex, you might have a better idea whether you can trust his story.  Most of us here would probably not blindly trust what a disordered person claims.  Once burned, twice shy.  Maybe some is true, but which parts?

This has been said so many times that I don't know if there is an original quote to cite, but I remember in the original Star Trek series the Enterprise's engineer Scotty finally exclaimed to those on the Bridge, speaking of the Klingons trying to keep luring the Enterprise away from Captain Kirk and the landing party with a second false distress signal, "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!"