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Author Topic: Splitting information links?  (Read 602 times)
tamismom

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« on: July 18, 2019, 07:02:26 AM »

I apologize as I haven't had time to have a thorough look through this whole forum, but I was wondering if there is anyone that can help. I'm looking for links to information on splitting, and enmeshed relationships that I can send to my son-in-law. I have read a lot of great information on here but I really don't want to send him anything that would direct him to this forum. We are truly trying to work together to make things better for all of us, but I really want to keep this site to myself. I need somewhere to run and hide when things get tough, that can't create any backlash. As it is, I'm terrified that my daughter might find me here. She's an accomplished snooper. Sigh.

Anyway, my SIL has asked me for links after we've had a good talk and I've mentioned the splitting that's going on...and how the more educated on BPD I become, the more apparent some of her behaviors are becoming. I'd really like to direct him to some helpful information.

Thanks!
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2019, 10:54:35 AM »

Please be patient. I am looking into how I can provide this information to you to pass on to family members without risking them finding you here.
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« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2019, 11:23:25 AM »


Anyway, my SIL has asked me for links after we've had a good talk and I've mentioned the splitting that's going on...and how the more educated on BPD I become, the more apparent some of her behaviors are becoming. I'd really like to direct him to some helpful information.

Thanks!
You have a Personal Message waiting for you.
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2019, 11:30:27 AM »

You have a Personal Message waiting for you.

Can you share your links with all of us? Most everything on this website has been contributed by members like yourself.
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SkellyII
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2019, 10:06:54 PM »

Can you share your links with all of us? Most everything on this website has been contributed by members like yourself.

Here's a few I've found helpful:

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-splitting-425210
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2XZs3z7jlg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iTin96PdX8
https://themighty.com/2019/01/different-types-of-splitting-bpd-borderline-personality-disorder/
https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2018/04/healing-from-borderline-personality-disorder-splitting

Most of the books I've read touch on splitting, but don't go into much detail. If anyone has a book recommendation, please post that as well.
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« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2019, 02:05:38 AM »

Thanks Skelly
This is excellent
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« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2019, 09:21:22 PM »

You could look through the book reviews and link to the Amazon or B&N site to those which might be helpful. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

I wouldn't recommend Understanding The Borderline Mother, though the author talks about spitting.  I found it a dark book, though it helped me understand BPD behaviors.
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tamismom

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« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2019, 11:13:18 AM »

Thanks all. The borderline mother one wouldn't be first choice anyway. We're talking borderline daughter here, although I have found a lot of useful info on other relationship focussed things.

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« Reply #8 on: July 22, 2019, 02:27:16 PM »

This is probably more than what you're looking for ... but I found splitting so complicated that it only made sense reading it in context of the more profound work of developing a self. For that, and depending on how deep you want to go, James Masterson's In Search of the Real Self has a few sections that describe how splitting becomes a significant coping mechanism during the child's (failed) attempt to develop a self, which then becomes an enduring, maladaptive defense.

His work is considered a little dated because his era is before the genetic work involved in establishing predisposition to BPD. If you are sensitive to feeling blamed for your child's BPD, this book might trigger some ire. I'm not my BPD loved one's bio mother and I had to work hard to get past that type of dated thinking.

Anyway. In Masterson's book splitting is described as the child's process of splitting her own bad image from her good self image. When she feels warm, safe, fed, comfortable, then her caregiver (often mom) is good. When her needs aren't being met, the image is split into mom = bad.

Because to the developing child-self, no way can good mom do things that are "bad."

Too scary.

The "real self," says Masterson, is to be able to hold various self images together and fuse them together. This concept is also the basis of dialectics, where two seemingly opposite things can both be true at the same time. This apparently happens around age 3 in a healthy developing self. Good mom can overlook the child's hunger and still be *good* while doing something so-called *bad.*

Masterson also talks about splitting as a defense mechanism to protect the child from abandonment depression. The feeling states (being rejected, being loved) associated with splitting (bad me, good me, bad mom, good mom) remain conscious but are kept apart so they do not influence one another. He describes them as being closed off in two different closets.

From there, splitting becomes "reward for clinging" and "withdrawal for separation." If the child doesn't manage to integrate a real self (which can be thwarted if there are intense emotions overwhelming the child), then this tendency gets baked into the personality structure.

Masterson describes the universal struggle between separation and individuation that we all go through during our early years. BPD is that struggle locked in perpetuity, a desire to be competent versus a desire to be reassured, even as an adult. The real self is quite literally arrested.

In the family, the effects of splitting can be felt when one parent or family member gets locked into the clinging behavior, and the other wants to move the child toward individuation. It takes a lot of skill, in my experience, to walk this fine line in a family. A child who is splitting will present things as though complex dynamics are black and white, good or bad.

The real self has not mastered the fusion of splitting self images, which gets projected outward, especially onto loved ones and close interpersonal relationships.

« Last Edit: July 22, 2019, 02:37:58 PM by livednlearned » Logged

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« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2019, 07:01:07 PM »

Livedandlearned, that was a fabulous read.

Thank you.
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« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2019, 05:39:17 AM »

Yes that is a fabulous read. It reminds me of what my T said about splitting as a lack of object permanence. When you hide something from a baby the baby thinks it no longer exists. When a parent goes away the baby feels abandoned as if the parent doesn't exist. In the normal course of development the child learns that things and people continue to exist even when they can't be seen. That is object permanence. People with BPD never fully develop it. They understand it intellectually but emotionally they believe what they see. If we are doing something they like the good parent is there. If we do something they don't like the good parent no longer exists. Only the bad parent does. They can't put all their memories of us both good and bad together and see us as one constantly existing person. Does that ring true to you? Great convo.
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tamismom

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« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2019, 06:36:51 AM »

OMG yes, such a great read and certainly not "too much". In my case as well, I am not my DD's bio mum. I have a good knowledge of her early life and see more and more the things that happened to her and the relationship with her original parents easily fall under all the heading of "How This Started". I have often wondered how much genetics have to do with her condition. Her biological mother does exhibit some characteristics herself upon reflection. Certainly not as clear as with DD, but still.

My husband does a lot of "reading" with his Audible app and DD, having some difficulty with reading comprehension and focus wondered if that would be easier for her. He gave her his log in and we downloaded a short book called BPD Recovery by J.B.Snow. Night before last we listened to it together. She really listened, and when it was over I asked her what she took from it etc. and it turned in to a  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) show. She picked all the things she could find that she could related to me as "bad mum". I really don't think that this will be a constructive activity for us, and I think she would agree. I was "good mum" in a big way for actively participating, until I did participate and became "bad". It triggered her a lot.

My wedding triggered her in such a huge way that she will likely never forgive me for it. She goes home in less than two weeks after spending the summer here, and then I leave on our honeymoon. She is already demonizing me for doing such a horrible thing one minute and telling me that she knows I need the break and I deserve a honeymoon etc. etc. then next. My head is spinning and I'm dreading the trip as much as I dreaded my own wedding. I know that in a lot of cases the "bad mum" thing comes at me out of nowhere, but anticipating a coming crapstorm of drama is stressing me out badly. Hence wanting to understand splitting as much as I can now. And her husband will have to deal with her when she gets home and I'm away.
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« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2019, 08:20:54 AM »

My head is spinning and I'm dreading the trip as much as I dreaded my own wedding. I know that in a lot of cases the "bad mum" thing comes at me out of nowhere, but anticipating a coming crapstorm of drama is stressing me out badly.

In what ways is it stressing you? We all go through this. Trips can be very triggering. I am anticipating that SD22 will blow up H's phone on our upcoming trip and it will cause me stress. So I work on ways to mitigate the strain. 

You deserve a honeymoon with peace. So does your husband.

Can you say specifically what the stress is, what she does, how you respond? Maybe we can help you look at specific inflection points where you can make a small modification.
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« Reply #13 on: July 24, 2019, 07:23:03 AM »

So much background here that I could type for days, but the short version is she was very much an adult (24, chronologically) when she came in to my life. The relationship started with lies. Lots of them...and they were elaborate and fantastical. It didn't take me long to figure it out but I was more interested in helping her than confronting her so I gave her the "rope" and let it go. Probably for too long, but eventually I confronted her during a major meltdown. I think that the fact that no matter all her bad behavior I didn't run. I supported and reassured her that I still wanted to help and it really solidified her dependence on me.

The wedding, she equates with the worst things that have ever happened to her in her life. This includes some pretty horrific things. I know where that comes from though. Her abandonment issues have a lot to do with her original parents divorce and her father always putting the next young woman he dated before her. She always felt less of a priority in his life than his work and girlfriends, new wives. His neglect put her in harms way, a situation that exposed her to sexual abuse. Her original mother was both physically and mentally abusive. So my wedding created the assumption in her mind that things would change and she would be neglected again and that I would always make my husband my priority, and not her.

There was a long period there where things got better. She still needed a great deal of attention but she met someone, spent less time in constant contact with me, started what I thought was going to be a "normal" life. She met someone, got married. I actually started to have a life myself, met someone etc. etc. Next thing you know, she's having issues with her husband that in hindsight were all BPD based. Needed me more. Hated my new life. Then the lies started again. At this point she has created an entire fantasy life that I know just has to be all false. Right now, I'm stuck between knowing how unhealthy this is, and the fact that I can easily predict that confrontation would be disastrous. I can't tell her husband the fine details because her fantasy life would upset him greatly and I can't predict his reaction...but he's aware that I think she's lying again.

So the stress that I feel now is "fantasy" based. I can see things in the stories she tells that are leading up to a fabulous helping of drama either just before I leave or while I'm on my trip. She says she's going to leave me alone to relax. If in fact she does, when I get back I will hear all the terrible things, with a helping of guilt about how I wasn't there for her. OR, one of the "fantasy" people in her life will contact me while away, telling me all about what my daughter is going through in my absence. So the stress of anticipating that, and anticipating what will go on when I get back is horrible.

Even the little things. We have been forbidden to discuss the trip in her presence because it triggers her. My husband, who has just completed chemo and immunotherapy treatment #20 is so excited to get away. We can't travel far because of his health issues and insurance restrictions and so on, but this road trip we can do. It's our first real vacation together. Being a realist, it quite possible could be his last. But shhhhh. Don't upset DD. I'm one of those people that needs to plan, plan, plan. I normally would be packed by now. Actually long before now. I can't even do that because she's glued to me and gawd forbid I do it in front of her. Or leave an open suitcase somewhere. I will have only a few hours to pack and get us ready to go. I take her to the airport on the Thursday evening. I work on the Friday. We leave first thing Saturday morning. She is insisting that we Skype Friday night while I'm getting ready because that's the last chance she has and soo much will happen while I'm away. She's completely manipulated this situation to make sure that I don't have a second to breathe.

We've had a couple of nice evenings together but I know that as her departure approaches it will get worse. I am focussing on reassurance and trying not to bring up anything that can be construed as being happy to be away from her. I think it may help if I make a plan with her for spending some Skype time when I return. It won't be soon enough. Or long enough. Sigh. I think that's what hurts the most for me...the fact that no matter what I do or say it's never, ever, enough.

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tamismom

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« Reply #14 on: July 25, 2019, 01:39:15 PM »

Aaaand Bingo! I get to work this morning and get a message from what I 100% gut feel is a fake account/fake person she "knows" telling me she's at home totally stressed, having bad anxiety and shaking.

So I call my husband and warn him, tell him to stay out of her way. He says she's cleaning the house like mad. I message her and get her to call me. She's beside herself with anxiety. Feeling so low. Someone sent her a nasty message regarding something about her business. Other things bothering her. Spiralling. I guess waiting for me to come home and rescue her.

I hurt so bad for her, but OMG I'm going to lose my mind if this goes on for the next week. Just once I'd like her departure to be pleasant and drama free. Just once.
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