It's been one month today since I last attempted contact with ex pwBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today it's one month since I sent ex pwBPD an email, telling her how I'd like it if we could be friends, how I understood her issues with intimacy, etc etc. When the notification flashed up on my phone that it had been 'one month', I felt a mixture really of sadness and accomplishment. I thought she might have attempted contact by now, she hasn't.

I have toyed with the idea of contact again, but that's not something I think is a good idea for many reasons. I feel sad to think that she's just moved on, probably doesn't think about me, and probably won't speak to me when we return to university. I realise that I've been forcing myself to think negative things about her so that I could 'heal' but I think the truth really is that I still love her, and I miss her. I shouldn't, because she treated me badly. But I do.

Don't know what I'm going to do, really. I've been referred to a psychiatrist to see if I have PTSD, and still got therapy on Saturday. Guess this is just a pointless post, but I feel welcome here and able to talk openly with others who 'get it'.

I also had a friend come over and set passwords on my phone, so that I'm unable to view ex pwBPD's social media. So I guess that's a good thing.

[clvrnn]

Today it's one month since I sent ex pwBPD an email, telling her how I'd like it if we could be friends, how I understood her issues with intimacy, etc etc. When the notification flashed up on my phone that it had been 'one month', I felt a mixture really of sadness and accomplishment. I thought she might have attempted contact by now, she hasn't.

I have toyed with the idea of contact again, but that's not something I think is a good idea for many reasons. I feel sad to think that she's just moved on, probably doesn't think about me, and probably won't speak to me when we return to university. I realise that I've been forcing myself to think negative things about her so that I could 'heal' but I think the truth really is that I still love her, and I miss her. I shouldn't, because she treated me badly. But I do.

Don't know what I'm going to do, really. I've been referred to a psychiatrist to see if I have PTSD, and still got therapy on Saturday. Guess this is just a pointless post, but I feel welcome here and able to talk openly with others who 'get it'.

I also had a friend come over and set passwords on my phone, so that I'm unable to view ex pwBPD's social media. So I guess that's a good thing.

[Mutt]

Nice going that it’s been 30 days since you sent something - and it’s a good idea that your friend blocked social media. It’s hard to not hear back from an ex after you have shared so much together. It’s a good question did I mean something to that person.

I’ll propose a different question to you, is my ex not contacting me because they might feel shame about how they treated me?  It helps to reframe those thoughts and to you personally out of it try to figure out what mental space that they’re in. You’ll probably hear from her again but keep working on yourself and go for another 30 days without sending her a message.

[babyducks]

clvrnn,

I feel sad to think that she's just moved on, probably doesn't think about me, and probably won't speak to me when we return to university. I realise that I've been forcing myself to think negative things about her so that I could 'heal' but I think the truth really is that I still love her, and I miss her. I shouldn't, because she treated me badly. But I do.

kinda seems to me that you are jumping to a bunch of conclusions here,   you don't really know what she is thinking or feeling.   or what's going on with her.   you can make some guesses but they are just that.   guesses.   

My Ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with another disorder most likely BPD.     She was compliant with medication.   Regular with therapy.    Was considered 'a treatment success', in that she had made so much progress over the 7 years she was actively engaged in treatment.    Still our relationship was chaotic.   and damaging and wonderful and terrible.  all at the same time.   I still love her and I still miss her.   and I completely understand that her mental illness makes it impossible for her to function in a intimate relationship.    I can think/feel  both of those things at the same time.   they don't cancel each other out.

'ducks

[once removed]

I can think/feel  both of those things at the same time.   they don't cancel each other out.

this is important.

if she had died, you wouldnt say to yourself that you shouldnt miss her.

to grieve is to be vulnerable. we grieve our losses, even when it comes to those whom have hurt us.

[clvrnn]

I’ll propose a different question to you, is my ex not contacting me because they might feel shame about how they treated me?  It helps to reframe those thoughts and to you personally out of it try to figure out what mental space that they’re in.

I experience a lot of cognitive distortions, if I’m honest. Mind-reading, fortune-telling, jumping to conclusions. This situation has, I’ve found, been a massive trigger for all of those.

Of course, I have no idea why she didn’t respond or contact me.

I became very used to reading her body language and the last time I saw her at uni she didn’t seem to be ‘angry’ with me. She would look at me when I spoke up in the class, even at one point laughing at a joke I made with someone else. I know enough about her to know that if she ‘hated’ me, she wouldn’t have acknowledged my existence at all.

The no contact could be what you describe; avoidance, shame, guilt? I don’t know. I’ve been through every situation in my head.

You’ll probably hear from her again but keep working on yourself and go for another 30 days without sending her a message.

Hmm. I can’t see why or how she would suddenly get in touch with me. I suppose I would like it if she did, for many reasons.

But I will carry on with what I’m doing in regards to the no contact/moving forwards.

[clvrnn]

kinda seems to me that you are jumping to a bunch of conclusions here,   you don't really know what she is thinking or feeling.   or what's going on with her.   you can make some guesses but they are just that.   guesses.    

That’s true. I don’t. Jumping to conclusions is something I do often, which is one of the reasons I had to come away from her social media. Even the sight of her with a different hairstyle had convinced me she was with someone else. It’s the same with the playlist she made; that, really, is no evidence of her being with someone else, is it?

But in my head I’ve decided that she’s with this person, they’ve committed to each other, they’re happy, they see each other every day etc. All of that from the sight of a playlist! I recognise that I clearly have issues of my own. I probably sound a bit crazy,

I don’t know what’s going on with her, no. She may be just as upset for sabotaging things with me, may feel regret, or she may not care. I have no knowledge either way.

My Ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 comorbid with another disorder most likely BPD.     She was compliant with medication.   Regular with therapy.    Was considered 'a treatment success', in that she had made so much progress over the 7 years she was actively engaged in treatment.    Still our relationship was chaotic.   and damaging and wonderful and terrible.  all at the same time.   I still love her and I still miss her.   and I completely understand that her mental illness makes it impossible for her to function in a intimate relationship.    I can think/feel  both of those things at the same time.   they don't cancel each other out.

I’ve been really thinking about this. It didn’t occur to me that you were able to hold both views. I’ve been forcing myself to hate her, to see all the negatives. But the truth is, like you, despite everything, I still feel the same and miss her. Thank you for this reply. It’s helped me to realise a lot of things.

[clvrnn]

I really did think, that at this stage, she might have attempted to reach out to me in some way. I read about it happening so often with pwBPD, but it hasn't happened to me. I thought that time would make things easier, really. Only feels like more distance is being created. The thought of seeing her at university in October is weird, too. There are four months between now and then; she'll be a different person, and so will I. I realise now that she isn't coming back to me. There is no obligation for her to talk to me at university, either. So yeah, time is making things feel more and more strange, to be honest.

how dumb of me to think i meant anything worthwhile to this person. how dumb of me to think they’re sitting around missing me in any way when that’s not the truth, the truth is that she doesn’t care. she doesn’t. she has zero obligation to speak to me at university and probably won’t. time isn’t making this feel better at all. I just feel more and more alone and far away from her.

Even what I've just written about her speaking to me at university. Why is it always that I have to wait for university to roll around to see if she'll speak to me? How many times has she put me in this position, and the fact is that she isn't speaking to me now, and that should count, yet I keep hoping she'll interact with me at uni. Even that should tell me to let go, that this person doesn't truly care about me. I've become dependent on university and the whole context there, but the fact is that she isn't talking to me at all, right now.

I'm just not important enough. If I try to make contact again I'lll be ignored, or told to move on, or insulted. She hasn't bothered to reach out to me so it doesn't appear that I'm missed or thought about in any way. I feel truly forgotten, and this experience with this person has really shaken my faith in everyone. I don't ever want to date anyone again, and I don't want any friends, either. I'm done

[Mutt]

how dumb of me to think i meant anything worthwhile to this person. how dumb of me to think they’re sitting around missing me in any way when that’s not the truth, the truth is that she doesn’t care. she doesn’t. she has zero obligation to speak to me at university and probably won’t

Don’t be hard on yourself. A pwBPD are all different, from my time here some people have heard back from their pwBPD weeks, months, years and even decades later. The latter ones were surprised to hear from their pwBPD and it was if the pwBPD picked up where they had last left off. I don’t want to generalize because that’s not always the case.

Why is it always that I have to wait for university to roll around to see if she'll speak to me? How many times has she put me in this position, and the fact is that she isn't speaking to me now, and that should count, yet I keep hoping she'll interact with me at uni.

That has to hurtful and frustrating for you to find yourself in this position - she knows that she can do this.

If I were in your shoes I’d take my power back. It hurts us when someone that we care about doesn’t give us the time of day, you feel like you’re invisible, how can something so intense between two people just end up like they’re two complete strangers.

She knows that you’ll be there for her. What I mean by taking your power back is letting go of that hope, incest that energy in yourself, you said that you feel lonely, I did too, I started working out in the gym to be around people. I talked to some of the gym rats and trainers. I wasn’t being a hermit I was making sure that I was in the company of others even if I didn’t know them.

Do you have close friends? What are your interests? What do you like to do? Is there a group that you can do activities with? Is there a class that you can sign up for not at the uni, exercise, dance class or something like that.

Id think about what I want do I want her back or am I done? If you start doing the things that I mention and emotionally detach from her she’ll notice eventually. You could have a r/s with her again but I’d be assertive with my boundaries and communicate what  my deal breakers are. I broke up with my current for a few weeks and when we got together I said that I’m not going to be friends if we break up again. So she hasn’t friend zoned me like she did the last time so far and I’m not letting myself get friend zoned again.

If you think that you’re done and you want to feel better then I’d work on the hope that you’re hanging into that’s causing you pain. It’s painful but it’s less painful if you let go the if you hang on indefinitely she’s going to treat the way that she has in the past because she’s going to be the same person.

[clvrnn]

My therapist has suggested getting in contact with pwBPD to try and find "answers" and to help me feel unstuck. I'm tempted but I'm also wary of doing that. Therapist says expwBPD sounds "childlike" in her handling of conflict and emotional situations - which she is. She's also very hostile and dismissive avoidant - getting in touch with her almost scares me. But it's been months, and I feel incredibly stuck. Maybe contact is the answer? I don't know.

[Sandb2015]

That was a suggestion, think it over.

Realistically, only you can determine if she will give you what you need.

She may be the cause of further pain to you if you feel some fear regarding getting something healthy for you from her.

I'm sorry, this "contacting her to get answers thing" is a little iffy.

Write out the questions you'd like her to answer, leave "why", "but" and "you" out because they are trigger words.

After you're finished, read them out, act as if she is answering them and let your intuition, not imagination guide you.

[clvrnn]

Realistically, only you can determine if she will give you what you need.

She may be the cause of further pain to you if you feel some fear regarding getting something healthy for you from her.

I'm sorry, this "contacting her to get answers thing" is a little iffy.

I'm not going to contact her. She can't give me anything, she is not compassionate or 'nice' and will only either ignore me or say something which will cause further pain.

I won't be going back to that therapist. I don't know what I'm going to do, now. I only feel worse. My ex doesn't care at all, shows absolutely no signs of contacting me at all to say anything about the way she handled things, and will probably avoid me at university. I might as well just quit the course. Even the thought of going there makes me anxious. Maybe I imagined all of this and she didn't actually do a thing wrong. I'm sick of existing, at this point

[Cromwell]

Hi Clvrnn

I also wanted to add in here, reaching out for answers helped in my situation. I am grateful it happened, even if I never got any specific answers, it was three weeks of texts after 9 months No contact where I did take the opportunity to get a few things put forward to her, the r/s was over but I felt I had not been able to lay certain things to rest and this limited contact helped to tie up some loose ends and it felt empowering to feel I could speak out without this fear of what would happen - the advantage here is after 9 months apart the r/s was well and truly over for me - I had little to lose. Still, having a therapist or professional to guide me through it would have helped, it worked but I could have done better.

If I were in your situation i'd consider your therapists advice but at the same time get step by step help as to how to communicate your feelings or whatever you wish to say in the most effective way.

About the thoughts of quitting your course. Clvrnn if this whole situation is putting you into a level of unhappiness and anxiety that is making the thought of going to uni completely distressing - take these thoughts into consideration as sensible, self-help ones. There is no way in hell I would go to the same college or workplace as my ex, yet this is a prime example of something that I have control over - I dont need to, so why make life unnecessarily more troublesome.

There are other universities that will have your subject - you do not need to make yourself this miserable and what it is doing to your health. Some people form the defiant opinion "i wont let her/his actions change my life" - this is not sensible or rational but rooted in egoism.

Are you getting anxious because as each day of the summer holidays end and it gets closer to going back, you dont feel healed enough yet? Im a firm believer that much of the ruminations are rooted in having a problem that we cannot resolve which then leads to depression and other anxieties. My own rumination issue here has probably been a latent ongoing wish to reconcile this health wrecking relationship despite all id learned. The conflict of wanting what has proven harmful, it does not add up logically but is emotion driven.

Think about taking action steps to see how this goes but get the expertise to guide you through - I would not try and buy a house without a lawyer, why would I try communicate with pwBPD without a professional to guide me through so as not to create more problems. Im sure your aware how any misplaced word can get twisted 180 degrees. when I reflect and realise that there was a lot of my expression of emotions that her disorder made her feel unable to handle the intensity of and these were just the positive ones.

Getting this sorted out before you go back is going to be far easier than having to muddle through it once it starts again, then faced with having to possibly leave anyway. Listen to these thoughts, they are important and niggling away at you for good reason.

[Cromwell]

Hi Clvrnn

I also wanted to add in here, reaching out for answers helped in my situation. I am grateful it happened, even if I never got any specific answers, it was three weeks of texts after 9 months No contact where I did take the opportunity to get a few things put forward to her, the r/s was over but I felt I had not been able to lay certain things to rest and this limited contact helped to tie up some loose ends and it felt empowering to feel I could speak out without this fear of what would happen - the advantage here is after 9 months apart the r/s was well and truly over for me - I had little to lose. Still, having a therapist or professional to guide me through it would have helped, it worked but I could have done better.

If I were in your situation i'd consider your therapists advice but at the same time get step by step help as to how to communicate your feelings or whatever you wish to say in the most effective way.

About the thoughts of quitting your course. Clvrnn if this whole situation is putting you into a level of unhappiness and anxiety that is making the thought of going to uni completely distressing - take these thoughts into consideration as sensible, self-help ones. There is no way in hell I would go to the same college or workplace as my ex, yet this is a prime example of something that I have control over - I dont need to, so why make life unnecessarily more troublesome.

There are other universities that will have your subject - you do not need to make yourself this miserable and what it is doing to your health. Some people form the defiant opinion "i wont let her/his actions change my life" - this is not sensible or rational but rooted in not losing the ego. The choice should be with intent to looking after number one - our health has to prioritise a relationship - but not for stuff such as saving face.

Are you getting anxious because as each day of the summer holidays end and it gets closer to going back, you dont feel healed enough yet? Im a firm believer that much of the ruminations are rooted in having a problem that we cannot resolve which then leads to depression and other anxieties. My own rumination issue here has probably been a latent ongoing wish to reconcile this health wrecking relationship despite all id learned. The conflict of wanting what has proven harmful, it does not add up logically but is emotion driven.

Think about taking action steps to see how this goes but get the expertise to guide you through - I would not try and buy a house without a lawyer, why would I try communicate with pwBPD without a professional to guide me through so as not to create more problems. Im sure your aware how any misplaced word can get twisted 180 degrees. when I reflect and realise that there was a lot of my expression of emotions that her disorder made her feel unable to handle the intensity of and these were just the positive ones.

Getting this sorted out before you go back is going to be far easier than having to muddle through it once it starts again, then faced with having to possibly leave anyway. Listen to these thoughts, they are important and niggling away at you for good reason.

[clvrnn]

Hello there Cromwell, thank you for this detailed reply.

I suppose what you've said is quite interesting, and I'll just try and respond to a few key bits.

1. Changing university is something I've thought about and looked into, as well as leaving completely. The course that I'm on isn't offered anywhere else, the uni are the only uni that offer this course, which is why I went there really in the first place. So I can't change (otherwise I would!) and I've done very well on the degree, obtaining very very high marks - I would like, for my own achievements, to carry this on. It's really very VERY annoying and frustrating that I now have to endure this situation with this person.

2. Getting in contact; my therapist doesn't seem to understand the gravity of what I experienced, based on things she says to me. Asking her to help me get in touch I don't think is an option, I don't find that she is experienced enough in BPD to know how to communicate effectively with a pwBPD.

3. I would love to get in touch with pwBPD. But, she can be particularly ruthless in her approach, at times. What you say about emotions often getting in the way and affecting a pwBPD's ability to interact does make sense - I feel this is the same for my ex pwBPD, she reacts very aggressively and dismissively to any mention of feelings or emotions. At this late stage, I am unsure how she would react to my contact - she may well accuse me of harassment or stalking, or simply ignore me further, which may cause me a lot of pain.

4. In terms of 'answers' - She ended things when she had an outburst at me in front of her family, she perceived me to be in a "bad mood" (which I wasn't) and this seemed to trigger her. I'm quite certain that her opinion on that probably hasn't changed, as she was quite adamant that it was that situation that caused this break up and that she couldn't go back from that, despite me not actually doing anything wrong. So if I were to contact her looking for answers, it's likely she'll just repeat all of that again.

5. I think at this point I am still tempted at times to get back into the idealisation with her, and that might be a slight motivation for contact, which isn't really a good idea, because of the nature of her pwBPD and how strong it seems to be.

So basically (sorry for the long reply!) I do feel stuck, and those seem to be the main reasons why. I don't feel as if I have any other option but to try and move forwards as much as I can in this four-month period we have off. She is an expert in avoidance and this is not the first time she has ignored me for months (she did so once, before we dated) and the entire time I've known her has been full of her avoiding/talking/avoiding/talking to me. When she doesn't want to reply she simply doesn't, when she does she does. I've tried all approaches, at one point even studying the SET method of communication, trying to contact her about music, anything. She appears to have just cut me out of her life, and I have no idea why. I don't know if she even knows.

For two years I have been pursuing her and dealing with her intermittent silence, and for the time we've been dating I have also done so. She has treated me quite badly often - insulting my personal hygiene, blocking me, ghosting, etc. And I have always been there waiting for her when she comes back. I think while I do want answers from her, it's also becoming important to me to retain from enabling her behaviour towards me, because she seems to be showing an ever increasing lack of respect towards me as a person (shown by this current disappearing act and general attitude towards me).

She has never apologised for anything she's done or said, and never shown empathy or remorse towards me. She admits that she is a horrible person and regularly said she doesn't have friends because of this. She is very childlike in her handling of conflict, and just avoids and avoids again and again. Any other ex I've had who I've reached out to after a break up has responded, sometimes even met up with to talk. She is not mature enough to do this; I don't know if it is the BPD or her age, or what - but she isn't at all emotionally mature to do such a thing. She seems to rather have conflict and tension hanging over her than actually sort things out. She doesn't mind ignoring me at uni, a few times I remember her actually walking directly past me and looking straight ahead for no reason at all - dissociation? I don't know. She does it often.

This is not the first university holiday she has gone silent on, either. She does this every term; there is always silence from her, and contact from me is often ignored. It seems as if, without the uni there to force her into interacting with me, she retreats and disappears.

If I do make contact, which I don't know if I will, it will have to be me telling her how I feel rather than seeking answers. I would love someone to help me form a step by step way of doing so, I wonder if anyone on here could aid me in that, but I don't know yet.

[Cromwell]

Hi Clvrnn

Its taken me some time to try and make sense of what I feel has been going on here, thanks for more insight.

I feel there is hesitancy on this idea to speak to her. Sure you want to, I remember actually a sort of draft you made on the other topic but in hindsight you decided not to.

She is not running away anywhere, and for all we know, there is a pattern of her ignoring you but then resuming when she feels like it. There is something holding you back from this, what id say is to take your time and not do it as a reactive or impulsive emotional knee jerk reaction.

In other words, something that might have unintended negative consequences - you have the stability of a degree to think about. I look back at all the letters i wrote but did not send and think now "thank god", something stopped me. I think back to what the goal even was, it was not really even a communucation as such, but my own outlet for internal emotional pain - and it worked, to a great extent. (the actual writing, without sending)

The advantage here is, ive managed to move on without having given any fuel to create more destruction. My ex is just a few mouse clicks away, no doubt for the foreseeable future, should I wish to. Turns out, I feel far less needy to do this anymore as I once did - Ive managed to heal so far without her help.

One thing I found striking about what you are aware of - that there is a temptation to idealise her. I think from the appalling way you have been treated, and the inability to communicate this to her without fear of making it worse - I wonder if this idealisation is like, the only option that appears left in the situation?

Barring, the ultimate step of detaching fully and having her out of your life.

I cast this up because I feel that there might be some cross over from my own experience - I wonder now how much I felt emotionally pushed into a corner I did not know how to get out of. Already 'in love' I had no way of dealing with this and continuing it without playing the game of acting like nothing was wrong and in that situation having to maintain a form of fantasy of who she was; rather than accept the reality and the responsibility to do something about it. There was only one resolution for the catalogue amount of grief she was causing; leave.

The time for SET, or LEAPS, or whatever handy dandy conflict resolution scripts have been invented was way gone. For me at least. I did leave, but this just triggered her abandonment and I was drawn back in, the idealisation was easy because she presented herself almost retransformed to who I had loved in the first place.

It has been mind bending relationship, I understand why you feel confused. Can I ask, has it caused more than emotional upset - when she was putting you down about personal hygiene - is this an indicator that you are going through depression? It is one of the known signs. I ask because it is another important thing to factor in as an illness that impairs our ability to make decisions and needs worked on alongside.

I noticed that as I started to fill my life (post relationship) with finding my own interests, hobbies, communicate with new friends, started dating - my ex and all the related historic problems sort of disappeared in terms of significance. But when I was depressed and not interested or motivated, the ruminations were the strongest.

[clvrnn]

Hello again Cromwell – no problem, thanks for replying in such detail. You’ve given me a lot to think about, here.

There is indeed hesitancy to speak to her. Ideally, I’d like to express a few things to her – mainly just the confusion I’ve felt over her actions, and attempt to ask her why she felt she had to cut me out of her life with no real explanation.

The hesitancy, I realise, comes from the way she has conditioned me within the relationship. Anytime I would try to talk about feelings I was either invalidated, ignored, threatened with silence, blocked, or sworn at and told to “MOVE ON” (two weeks after she split up with me, when I’d attempted ONCE to try and talk about how I felt with her). Because of all this, I am, I suppose, nervous to express my true feelings to her. Any contact I’ve made with her has been thoroughly vetted, proof read, etc so as not to incite annoyance in her, etc. Really, I’d like to just tell her in plain English what is going on.

I think also, for all intents and purposes this was very much a relationship. However, she would always remain adamant that it wasn’t – despite acting very much like a couple and using relationship discourse, seeing each other every day, etc. She would reveal that she had strong feelings, etc. So another reason is that I am worried about what she would think, say or do with any contact I make. She may say “it wasn’t even a relationship, get over it!” or any other negative thing.

All in all, I have realised that what is holding me back is a fear of what SHE will think, how SHE will react, how SHE will feel, what SHE will do. Even though I am not with her, I am still very much focused on her.

She is not running away anywhere, and for all we know, there is a pattern of her ignoring you but then resuming when she feels like it. There is something holding you back from this, what id say is to take your time and not do it as a reactive or impulsive emotional knee jerk reaction.

Yes, she has been doing this since I’ve known her. In my post history there are posts going back to last year when I was trying to make sense of her (didn’t know she had BPD, then) and it only seems to have become more extreme and intense.

One thing I found striking about what you are aware of - that there is a temptation to idealise her. I think from the appalling way you have been treated, and the inability to communicate this to her without fear of making it worse - I wonder if this idealisation is like, the only option that appears left in the situation? Barring, the ultimate step of detaching fully and having her out of your life.

The other reason I don’t want to make further contact (and I’ve thought about this) is because, as you’ve touched on here, is the possibility of future idealisation and the not wanting to remove that possibility by saying how I really feel/causing further negative views of me in her head. She has treated me appallingly, I agree. I have my own issues that I supposed caused me to remain in the dynamic for such a long time.

Also really that I didn’t know about the BPD, and thought she was just hesitant about dating me or something. I didn’t realise it was as severe as it turned out to be. To send a form of contact to her expressing my true feelings would sever the connection for the final time, and perhaps that is what I need to do. I have always tailored everything I do around her.

I had no way of dealing with this and continuing it without playing the game of acting like nothing was wrong and in that situation having to maintain a form of fantasy of who she was; rather than accept the reality and the responsibility to do something about it. There was only one resolution for the catalogue amount of grief she was causing; leave.

This is very interesting. A realisation, revelation of sorts. I am still, I admit, thinking she must love me still, regrets what she’s done, etc. I even sometimes daydream about us reconnecting in October; then I realise wait, she isn’t talking to me NOW, this is the reality, this is the outcome of everything I’ve done in the past to try and connect with her.

It has been mind bending relationship, I understand why you feel confused. Can I ask, has it caused more than emotional upset - when she was putting you down about personal hygiene - is this an indicator that you are going through depression? It is one of the known signs. I ask because it is another important thing to factor in as an illness that impairs our ability to make decisions and needs worked on alongside.

The personal hygiene comment came after a week in which we hung out for the first time, in March last year. This was during a rant in which she told me all the reasons she didn’t want to carry on spending time with me. This rant, as I came to find out, was similar to the ways in which she would end things with me the two times she has. When pressed, the personal hygiene comment was because I’d worn the same (clean) top two days in a row to university. There was no issue with smells or anything else, as I wasn’t quite that far gone and I wasn’t neglecting my hygiene. Rather, it seemed to be some sort of excuse or comment to try and hurt me/sabotage, maybe?

In terms of depression, I am going through quite a difficult time, now. I have had depression since I was a teen, and it does get triggered by stressful events – doesn’t have to be a break up, can be anything, really.

[clvrnn]

I'm just really tired of feeling like this. I want to contact her, bit hesitant, but I still do. I don't know if she could provide me any answers, and I wouldn't even know how best to contact - I changed my number, so would have to use someone else's phone to do it. Email doesn't seem to get me anywhere, and messaging is just ignored. I would have to try an actual phone call, which probably wouldn't get picked up. And I think she's probably just with someone else now, anyway. I probably don't even matter.

[Cromwell]

Hi clvrnn

Im sorry for this re-surfacing of a new round of upset, pain and confusion. I say re-surface, because I looked back to this in 2017 post and see how much overlap there is today. It is as you said before - looking like a pattern of sorts is being played out.

Can you remember from the past when she reached out to you, what sort of things she said to re-start communications? Was it a call or text, what was it like? after so long? How did she break the ice after so long and what do you make of it, being seemingly contacted out of nowhere. Was there any reason for her doing so at those particular times that you ever discovered or do you feel she just did it randomly?

[clvrnn]

Hi clvrnn

Im sorry for this re-surfacing of a new round of upset, pain and confusion. I say re-surface, because I looked back to this in 2017 post and see how much overlap there is today. It is as you said before - looking like a pattern of sorts is being played out.

Can you remember from the past when she reached out to you, what sort of things she said to re-start communications? Was it a call or text, what was it like? after so long? How did she break the ice after so long and what do you make of it, being seemingly contacted out of nowhere. Was there any reason for her doing so at those particular times that you ever discovered or do you feel she just did it randomly?

Hey,

I think the 2017 posts were about someone else, but I made posts back in early 2018 about this ex. Funnily enough, you commented back then, too. I had some good advice back then from a lot of people that I wish I'd heeded - everything said back then was right, she did go on to hurt me and I should have stepped away.

She sometimes contacts me in regard to things at uni - I've never been in touch with her outside of uni, that's when she seems to disappear. I think that's why there's such an emphasis on uni for me, it sometimes does cause her to connect with me. The longest she's been silent was four months, we weren't dating then but she'd just stopped responding to my messages after we'd hung out etc. Four months later she suddenly messaged me. Didn't expect that.

I'm not sure why she does it. It does seem to happen randomly, I haven't found out any reason for it or how it occurs.

I guess I should just really try to start moving on. The whole uni thing does keep me locked in a bit, because of how things have been before. But hey.

[Cromwell]

Hi Clvrnn

Something resonates here with what I went through.

This 4 months you describe where she just disappeared after you had previously been talking normally. No explanation - just gone. This happened to me before we got into a 'relationship'. (I get what you mean by this too). But, what I do know is what caused her to disappear.

She got into a relationship and ghosted me. I dont know why but I suspect I was just one of many. We were casual sex friends up to that point, it was probably done to assure the new guy. Ive read a few accounts on here of similar, this cutting out of people and restyling the stage and their personas to the newly idolised. Whatever the fine points, the facts are she got into a r/s and when it fell apart (she cheated on him) I got a text one afternoon, 6months later saying "Guess who!"

We texted as if nothing had ever happened and when I said if we could meet up she said "of course, I havent seen you in 6 months!" (as if this was my fault?)

Met her, she was visibly far not so upbeat as her texts were, in fact id never seen her depressed, put on weight, and when she left it was with a depressed shuffle. I saw her a few times and she started to get better but she then wanted to see me everyday, i asked where her other friends are, she said she doesnt have any.

Then I got all the stories of how abusive he was and to be honest I wasnt really that interested. I liked her as a friend back then and was happy to get a chance for a committed relationship.

How this might link in to your ex disappearing - i have no idea, but from all that ive read so far, they dont leave if there is no-one else around.

My regret is not to have asked more questions but when I think about that, she was so good with excuses and lies, she would have just come up with something that I would have believed anyway.

'relationship' - well clvrr if we take the definition in the dictionary, what you have with her, what I had with my ex - yep relationships. but I feel I get what you mean here, some people use the word 'supply' at one extreme, I dont really go with that. but I also dont feel that I was her boyfriend in the way I thought I was. These are relationships built on need fulfillment, nothing more nothing less. My ex was desperate for emotional soothing and I got the call, accepted the job. not conciously aware of it, but thats what happened and what I got myself into. Caretaker relationship.

clvrnn, I think for my case despite all the good the relationship gave, I just started to feel as time went on - where was the joy? Why am I getting angry? why am I putting up with lies, cheating, my phone and internet hacked - weird texts, bizarre behaviour. It genuinely creeped me out and I had no understanding of this disorder.

what I regret is that I went back so many times when i should have known better. It was a waste of life not only that but self esteem erosion. Its strange when you say I replied to your post in 2017 and I think how long this Saga has went on and how ill it made me - it feels like the life I once had became suspended.

This stuff needs a line drawn under it clvrnn, chances are once you have detached youve probably got a bit of work to do - self development stuff. The earlier the better, in my case I had to get her out my life first to build back up on a better foundation.

Not sure how helpful any of this is, but food for thought and I hope things work out.

[clvrnn]

Hi Clvrnn

Something resonates here with what I went through.

This 4 months you describe where she just disappeared after you had previously been talking normally. No explanation - just gone. This happened to me before we got into a 'relationship'. (I get what you mean by this too). But, what I do know is what caused her to disappear.

She got into a relationship and ghosted me. I dont know why but I suspect I was just one of many. We were casual sex friends up to that point, it was probably done to assure the new guy. Ive read a few accounts on here of similar, this cutting out of people and restyling the stage and their personas to the newly idolised. Whatever the fine points, the facts are she got into a r/s and when it fell apart (she cheated on him) I got a text one afternoon, 6months later saying "Guess who!"

We texted as if nothing had ever happened and when I said if we could meet up she said "of course, I havent seen you in 6 months!" (as if this was my fault?)

Met her, she was visibly far not so upbeat as her texts were, in fact id never seen her depressed, put on weight, and when she left it was with a depressed shuffle. I saw her a few times and she started to get better but she then wanted to see me everyday, i asked where her other friends are, she said she doesnt have any.

Then I got all the stories of how abusive he was and to be honest I wasnt really that interested. I liked her as a friend back then and was happy to get a chance for a committed relationship.

How this might link in to your ex disappearing - i have no idea, but from all that ive read so far, they dont leave if there is no-one else around.

My regret is not to have asked more questions but when I think about that, she was so good with excuses and lies, she would have just come up with something that I would have believed anyway.

'relationship' - well clvrr if we take the definition in the dictionary, what you have with her, what I had with my ex - yep relationships. but I feel I get what you mean here, some people use the word 'supply' at one extreme, I dont really go with that. but I also dont feel that I was her boyfriend in the way I thought I was. These are relationships built on need fulfillment, nothing more nothing less. My ex was desperate for emotional soothing and I got the call, accepted the job. not conciously aware of it, but thats what happened and what I got myself into. Caretaker relationship.

clvrnn, I think for my case despite all the good the relationship gave, I just started to feel as time went on - where was the joy? Why am I getting angry? why am I putting up with lies, cheating, my phone and internet hacked - weird texts, bizarre behaviour. It genuinely creeped me out and I had no understanding of this disorder.

what I regret is that I went back so many times when i should have known better. It was a waste of life not only that but self esteem erosion. Its strange when you say I replied to your post in 2017 and I think how long this Saga has went on and how ill it made me - it feels like the life I once had became suspended.

This stuff needs a line drawn under it clvrnn, chances are once you have detached youve probably got a bit of work to do - self development stuff. The earlier the better, in my case I had to get her out my life first to build back up on a better foundation.

Not sure how helpful any of this is, but food for thought and I hope things work out.

Thanks for the reply once again, Cromwell. Yes, I think it's true about the someone else being available - at the time I thought that she had probably met someone as she just disappeared, but hey.

I do think a line needs to be drawn under this, but I'm unsure how. I'm not really feeling better as time goes on - this uni thing looming over me is making things harder, I think.