I'm concerned we are getting into that pattern again

[ilugusi]

Hello, all. I joined a while ago but haven't posted... Hard to know where to start. I'm currently having issues with my old sister w BPD. She went a year without speaking/communicating with me at all, over something she believed my mother had done to wrong her. To be honest, it was a really nice year. Now, though, she has made a complete 180 and is video-calling every day, sometimes more than once a day. No mention of the dead-air period whatsoever.

The only reason I answer is because I have a nephew who is a toddler and since they live out of state, this is my only way to talk to him. I knew before he was born that she would "weaponize" him, but I still fell for it.

I'm feeling like I need to set a boundary about the calling, but I have no idea how to do it. Since childhood, she has had a pattern of severely bullying and then being nice to me. I am like Charlie Brown with the football, I just never learn.

I'm concerned we are gettkng into that pattern again, just noticing some changes in her behavior (she seems like she's getting bored, is calling at weird times like 10pm in my time zone, and has made some comments that I didn't realize were insulting until after we hung up).

Any tips on making a boundary and preventing this calling from taking over? Once a week to talk to my nephew would be fine, but it's just way too much to happen everyday. Every time she calls, I feel like I need a therapy session afterwards. :/

Longer term, is a total cutoff the only option in situations like this? Will it be possible to keep a positive relationship with my nephew?

Idk, I'm just overwhelmed and venting right now. Thank you for reading.

[Harri]

Hi!  I am glad you decided to post.  Saying you joined a while ago is right!  

Any tips on making a boundary and preventing this calling from taking over? Once a week to talk to my nephew would be fine, but it's just way too much to happen everyday. Every time she calls, I feel like I need a therapy session afterwards. :/

A boundary in this case could be just not answering every time she calls and maybe decreasing it even more, but gradually over time.  We always say boundaries are for us and we are responsible for them so in this case that would mean not answering the phone and you working through any anxiety or guilt you may feel.  Gradually decreasing the number of calls each days, then maybe every other day and so on will help ease the situation.

You don't have to justify or explain not answering but you could ay that things have gotten busy and you may not always be available to answer.  That sort of sets the stage and prepares her so she is not left wondering.  I think that is important as she is probably calling our of anxiety so doing something as simple as making a statement like that will help the both of you by helping ease the situation.

Longer term, is a total cutoff the only option in situations like this? Will it be possible to keep a positive relationship with my nephew?

No, cutting off people is not the only option.  It is a possibility and if you want that, we can support you with that decision.  If you want to maintain a relationship with your sister so you can have a relationship with your nephew, using the tools and strategies we offer here will be critical.  Boundaries like I described above have a better chance of a positive outcome than something like saying "You can't call me more than once a week".   For one thing, she will get upset possibly feel like you are abandoning her and second, it is impossible for you to control what another person does.  Chances are she will not honor your request over time, even if she accepts your boundary.  

Does that make sense?  Sorry, it is very late here and my brain is a bit fuzzy so I hope I am making sense.

What are your thoughts?

[ilugusi]

Thanks Harri! I was sort of freaking out last night when I posted. You're right, not answering the phone would be an easy way to establish that boundary without creating conflict (and if it's actually something really important she can always leave a message or text). Thanks for that suggestion. I'm not sure what my thoughts are going forward...I think I probably need to get back to seeing a therapist regularly is my main thought right now. I was mentally "spinning my wheels" last night about the whole situation, and I think I need someone irl to talk this stuff through with dispassionately like you did (I really appreciate that). So that's step one. And I need to look at the reading materials on this site  I have "stop walking on eggshells" but haven't read the whole thing; should get on that. But I think as you pointed out, knowing that I don't have to answer everytime she calls (and don't need to feel guilty about that or confront her) is a huge thing. I will be hanginf around here more, as well; this seems like a nice group.

[Harri]

Hello again!

Okay, so we have a couple of good things going on here in addition to the fact that you are no longer in lurker mode (!):
  You can see a way to navigate things with your sister while still maintaining a positive relationship with your nephew.
  You are going to check out some of the resources here!   

The best thing though?
You are going to hang out with us more!   

The tools we use here can help a lot but they are not a cure.  Also, the tools and strategies are more about us, helping us cope, helping to smooth out some of the big swings in mood, at least sometimes (which helps your sister but also makes life easier for you) and will improve your skills in all relationships.

As for freaking out last night, well, you are in good company for sure then!  We all do it at some time or another.  It's okay.  These relationships are difficult and can bring up a lot of our own issues as well.

Here is a great article on boundaries that you might want to read through:  Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits Be sure to click the green box at the bottom that says READ MORE as it will bring you to more discussion on the topic.

See what you think and if you have questions, ask.

Again,