Found a July 6th email from ex need reply help.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

the feeling of being caught off guard and disoriented. 

It is horrible yes. Why did she say that? What does that bit mean? Does she want me to reach out? It can drive you insane and consume your thoughts. I myself have had 2 contacts in 2 days, both ignored and deflected because I understand what's going on, I have bigger things to concentrate on. The way I see it is if they want to be with you they will move mountains, they will right the wrongs. That goes for change too, if they wanted to change their behaviour then they would get some help, nothing would stop them. There was no accountability in that email, no hint of change, no apologies, nothing. It was right up there with the worst I have read.

 It is hard accepting the true reality of this situation. the reality that she is not who I thought she was.  

It is incredibly hard, I still struggle to accept it. All my thought processes these days go to...she is BPD. I cant get away from it and there is no other way to explain it but look at the behaviour, it speaks volumes, there is no questions when you look at that.

  I road by her house last night to see the reality that she and her husband are indeed living together and that was hard to do. I promised myself I would never go down that street ever again however I really needed a reality check. I got ill.
 

Really not the best idea Ecan, that's like pulling your own scabs off and that will only lead to suffering. You need to protect yourself right now, to get to a better place. You are not going to get there driving by her street.

It's a comfort knowing someone can relate. My friends and family, I am sorry to say are not good to talk to about this 

We have all been there or are still there. It's because your friends and family dont understand what has happened to you, only those who have experienced it can truly relate to the damage caused. I suggest not talking about it with them, use your time with them to talk about other things, this can help by distracting you for periods.

  I've only had a couple hours of sleep

I suggest to go see your Dr, he may be able to help with your anxiety levels.

LT.

[Longterm]

the feeling of being caught off guard and disoriented. 

It is horrible yes. Why did she say that? What does that bit mean? Does she want me to reach out? It can drive you insane and consume your thoughts. I myself have had 2 contacts in 2 days, both ignored and deflected because I understand what's going on, I have bigger things to concentrate on. The way I see it is if they want to be with you they will move mountains, they will right the wrongs. That goes for change too, if they wanted to change their behaviour then they would get some help, nothing would stop them. There was no accountability in that email, no hint of change, no apologies, nothing. It was right up there with the worst I have read.

 It is hard accepting the true reality of this situation. the reality that she is not who I thought she was.  

It is incredibly hard, I still struggle to accept it. All my thought processes these days go to...she is BPD. I cant get away from it and there is no other way to explain it but look at the behaviour, it speaks volumes, there is no questions when you look at that.

  I road by her house last night to see the reality that she and her husband are indeed living together and that was hard to do. I promised myself I would never go down that street ever again however I really needed a reality check. I got ill.
 

Really not the best idea Ecan, that's like pulling your own scabs off and that will only lead to suffering. You need to protect yourself right now, to get to a better place. You are not going to get there driving by her street.

It's a comfort knowing someone can relate. My friends and family, I am sorry to say are not good to talk to about this 

We have all been there or are still there. It's because your friends and family dont understand what has happened to you, only those who have experienced it can truly relate to the damage caused. I suggest not talking about it with them, use your time with them to talk about other things, this can help by distracting you for periods.

  I've only had a couple hours of sleep

I suggest to go see your Dr, he may be able to help with your anxiety levels.

LT.

[Starfire]

Thank you Starfire for taking the time to respond every angle helps.
No it doesn't sound harsh.
I do wish I could drop it. Im going back and forth now with feeling guilt about not taking a chance to contact her on her bday and I know that's my issue to face. Logically I am doing what she asked of me and I can't read her mind.

I dropped it (and picked it up again) with my BPD ex multiple times before I finally was able to let go, or as Skip so eloquently put it... I was finally able to release him with grace.  We all have our own journey getting to detachment and healing.  It's ok to be conflicted about your feelings in these moments.

It is good to remind yourself that you're being logical, and absolutely correct that you can't read her mind.  There is no rational reason for you to feel guilt about doing exactly what she asked you to do.  Guilt, however, is rarely rational.  In this, I'd suggest that you grant yourself some grace.  Also, consider that had you contacted her on her birthday, it's just as likely she would have received that contact poorly.  Damned if you, damned if you don't kind of situation.  Now ask yourself, how many more of those situations do you want to be in?

Regarding your question if others have had similar experiences with emails.  It's texts for me.  On the surface they seem random, but when I look at them over time I see that they are quite predictable.  They take many shapes, sometimes friendly, sometimes longing, sometimes boastful, and sometimes full of snark.  I no longer make any attempt to analyze them.  I allow myself to feel whatever I feel, manage that emotion, and move on.  The more time that passes the less emotion I have to manage.  He gets no response, and while he does get a reaction, he is never a witness to it.

[Ecan]

Hello Longterm,
I am so appreciative for you sharing your experience with me and your feed back. I

What really got my attention and made me think the most was you suggesting to look at her behavior.
You helped remind me what I figured out before and it's that she hasn't done anything that I have not already been exposed to from my FOO. My sister was diagnosed bpd in the 80's and it wasn't much information on it. She moved out of the house when I was 5 so I was only really exposed to the environment that created her.

In the past 14+ years my ex has shown almost all the negative behaviors thats in my family all wrapped up into one person.I think that's what makes it so easy for me to be the frog in the slow boiling bpd pot of water.The only thing she doesn't do is hit me and she stop using mind altering substances about 15 years ago.

By the way if I didn't mention it we where best friends for 12yrs while she was married,I had no clue she was bpd or bi, then in 2017 it turned into a romantic situation.Then 7 months after she told me she was bpd when she was moving out of her house to live with an elderly couple , she was taking care of the husband, he was in a hospice situation.  So I haven't had the benefit of living with her. With my living arrangements she couldn't stay with me and because I was waiting for her to fully detached from her husband (divorce for starters) I wasn't willing to get a place with her.  
I don't know why I wrote all that I guess I needed to.
I think I will mourn the friendship the most. Which she has stated I wasn't worth doing that with anymore either.

Longterm thank you for letting bend your virtual ear. You have shared valuable insight getting me to think while supporting me. It amazes me how grounding it is talking to someone who gets it. In my life time I have not had that experience much.

Hello Starfire,

I haven't gotten the hang of this cut and paste thing yet hope this works.You said
"I dropped it (and picked it up again) with my BPD ex multiple times before I finally was able to let go, or as Skip so eloquently put it... I was finally able to release him with grace.  We all have our own journey getting to detachment and healing.  It's ok to be conflicted about your feelings in these moments. "

You are so awesome! I really needed to read that. I have been feeling so inadequate because I can't seem to go straight to just letting It go. Then feeling like if I failed and if contact happened between me and my ex that I wouldn't be able to show my face back here. Failure! I keep forgetting I'm human and this is hard as hell. Compassion!


"It is good to remind yourself that you're being logical, and absolutely correct that you can't read her mind.  There is no rational reason for you to feel guilt about doing exactly what she asked you to do.  Guilt, however, is rarely rational.  In this, I'd suggest that you grant yourself some grace."

Yes she has often gotten me thinking that I am not in reality and I don't think logically.Granting myself grace is an idea that I would never think about doing. However it seems like it's about time, I will take your suggestion and attempt it. Thank you for that auggestion.

"Also , consider that had you contacted her on her birthday, it's just as likely she would have received that contact poorly.  Damned if you, damned if you don't kind of situation."

Oh yes last night it hit me that she couldn't lose with what ever choice I made if she wanted to use it against me. What is so sad is I also realized that I've known her for over 14years and I really don't know how she feels about her birthday. She really didn't talk about stuff like that much.

 "Now ask yourself, how many more of those situations do you want to be in?"

 I have asked myself If I contact her how much pain will it take from her or what needs to happen for you to be resolved enough to choose yourself over her.
Along with you guys this relationship is so different than any other I have experience and I have never consciously felt like I needed anyone before her. Not even my parents.

Unfortunately my childhood had physical and emotional pain along with some psychological warfare With past therapy I am aware I can take a lot of pain before I realise something is wrong in a relationship.

So if I concentrate on the word "want" in your question and answer it real quick I can say I don't want anymore more. Then I start thinking and I also want to be able to walk away knowing there was nothing unsaid. My wants are in conflict. Radical acceptance is easier said than done.

Talking about the predictable in your last paragraph. The reason I came to this detach board was because she never has allowed 3months to pass in the 14+yrs I've known her without reaching out. I did not want to wait to see before detaching because I was convinced she was not going to.  WTF!

Starfire you have helped me remember that I am human and that everyone dose have trial and error. You helped me see I have projected my feelings that I have to measure up or I'm worthless to you guys. Thanks for telling me about the text I probably could see patterns with her if I wasn't so stressed about messing up with her all the time.

Your words have been a gift and I do sincerely appreciate you taking your time to relay them.

Take care












 
 
 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Ecan,

I'm slow to jump in on the conversation, but I do want to say that I'm sorry for how hard this is. It is definitely a process, this letting go, the un-entangling of ourselves and who we are, who we were, who we found ourselves to be.  Some days are better for us than others, but all along there is an underlying sense of grief. I struggle with this too as I detach. Yesterday I was looking at my wedding ring, thinking that to wear it now doesn't seem right exactly, and having to accept that is one more of the layers that I have to wade through.

The waters of learning to let go are muddy, and we can't see the bottom with clarity to know where we are walking. It is one cautious step at a time.

Don't forget patience and kindness for yourself. Are you able to identify any feelings you are having today?

 
Wools

[once removed]

I have been feeling so inadequate because I can't seem to go straight to just letting It go. Then feeling like if I failed and if contact happened between me and my ex that I wouldn't be able to show my face back here. Failure! I keep forgetting I'm human and this is hard as hell. Compassion!

we dont do this, shame ourselves and our feelings, when someone dies. the difference here (or one of them) is that acknowledging our feelings requires the vulnerability of saying "this person really hurt me". in my experience, it is key to grieving and to recovery. let yourself cry. let yourself grieve.

if contact happens between you and your ex, i would hope you wouldnt disappear from your support group. you would need it more than ever.

[hmf2234]

Thanks for the bday gift.
 A lot of energy went  into it.
Hope life gives back 100% worth of energy
Glad for the chasum grateful no bridge can be built
Heard u might be moving out of town that is grate news   the breathing room distance is finally here!
Excellent! So glad goodbye is so much more solid
No one deserves to be abused.

Knowing the fact that you didn't send her anything puts this in a totally different context then what I thought when I originally read this piece. This is totally a passive aggressive, toxic, and sarcastic message to try and get a rise out of you. Replying would achieve nothing but more pain for you.

Reading this immediately reminded me of the sarcastic, passive aggressive, tone of the last phone call I received from my ex almost 2 months ago in an attempt to get a rise out of me. It was a 34 second call that went something like:

her: You never got back to me about taking my dog in with you
me:  ...
her: thank you!
me: what are you thanking me for again?
her: I want to thank you for being useless as always, doesn't matter. I'll be flying up to NY this weekend to pick her up myself.
me: ummm... ok.
her: *insert audible smirk as if she was left speechless to my reaction* ok goodbye. (sounded as if she was shocked or appalled that i didn't bother to say anything else. Or that it didn't incite a reaction of curiosity and make me desperate to start asking her things)

Thankfully I haven't heard from her since and you should be glad you didn't hear from yours too. Time does wonders, it was brutal at first for me. I always wanted to reach out to her and get answers so badly, but I didn't. I know it sucks but you have to be strong and focus on yourself no matter how badly you want to reach out. I think the first month to 6 weeks of NC are the absolute worst. It will get easier.

[I Am Redeemed]

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