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boogs152
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« on: June 11, 2019, 06:55:20 PM »

Hi everyone,

I’ve made few posts recently. It’s been a massive year for me on an emotional level since I began a relationship with my BPD man. I wanted to thank you all for you help. You go above and beyond. But I do have another question...

I remember reading somewhere that Borderlines can sometimes become fixated on a “past lover”. Perhaps their first love... Well my partner has these traits. He happened to run into his childhood sweetheart for the first time  a few months ago. He has mentioned her before this chance meeting to me on occasion and speaks highly of her.He has since run into her on another occasion and told me that she’s very  “weird”.
 
Fast forward to now and she has emailed him suggesting that they meet for coffee. He has agreed and the date is set.
Now.... I wish to mention at this point  that I’m not a jealous person by any means and  it’s probably a meeting based in friendship and curiosity but I am wondering  if anyone else has experience with this  type of scenario? My partner has mentioned to me recently that he’s unsure of his feelings for me. But then sometimes behaves in a conflicting manner regarding our relationship. I’ve suggested that he discuss our relationship with his therapist so he can get a little clearer on why he’s even in a relationship with me if he’s unsure of his feelings for the past six months.

Anyone have any words of wisdom? You know, the BPD splitting etc?


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« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2019, 07:35:30 PM »

I have some insight on "first loves," or " post loves. " my DH and I reconnected 40 years after we first met -- we were teenagers living next door and in the same church youth group, and we were crazy about each other. My family moved away, and with going to college and the Army, we went out separate ways.

Reconnection with a first or lost love can be quite powerful. A professor in Washington has done research on it and attributes the strong feelings to the couple having an "imprint" of the relationship and person at an impressionable age. I have known reconnection that resulted in a relationship (my DH and I were married within months), and some/most that did not.

That being said, I too would be wondering if someone with BPD would reconnect and then not be able to hold feelings and thoughts of last and current relationships simultaneously without splitting.

How forthcoming has he been about his goals in having coffee with this person?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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Red5
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« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2019, 09:39:39 PM »

I would suggest reading about “hypergamy”, as it pertains to the modern sense of dating and relationships.

I would be a bit ‘leary’ about a meeting to catch up over coffee.

Does this former love interest know that you and your significant other are a couple?

There are a few terms.... ie’ decorum... boundaries... “off limits”.

This is my humble opinion.

Another angle, is to reverse the roles... would your significant other be “cool” with you meeting a “former boyfriend” for coffee, and catching up.

Were you invited to tag along?

Don’t ignore your gut feelings about this.

Kind regards, Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2019, 12:11:25 AM »

Okay good points made. I’m half considering waiti it out to see what transpires. I will research hypergamy

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boogs152
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« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2019, 12:14:32 AM »

I researched hypergamy and it states that is marrying above ones “class”???

How does this relate to my situation? Am I missing something?
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Red5
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« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2019, 06:39:46 AM »

I researched hypergamy and it states that is marrying above ones “class”???

How does this relate to my situation? Am I missing something?


Look up what the term means (although some what abstract) in the writings of the MGTOW and MRA movements .... pretty interesting view / slant on the subject of dating.

Basically it means (urban dictionary wise, not “Webster”).... that the law of the jungle .... human instinct prevails .... and that monogamy is not honored.

Why would your bf and his ex, suddenly want to “spend time” together.... ask yourself .... how serious is your relationship with your bf that he would go out of his way to see an ex?

What are your plans.... after waiting it out to see what transpires .... what does your gut feeling tell you?

Jealous or not, this woman is the ex, you on the other hand are invested .... to what level/degree I do not know, but I would be questioning his interest in a seemingly private meeting with his ex....

What do you think?

Red5
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« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2019, 10:28:48 AM »

My wife has always had a hard time letting go of her first love. When we were dating and she found out that he got married, she openly mourned for days almost wanting me to console her. RED FLAG.

When we were dating I overheard her mom telling her, before we got married, that she just needed to get over her ex and move on, we'd been dating for years at that point. RED FLAG.

I ignored many behaviors like this over the years and I wished I hadn't. She did have an affair in our marriage, said at one time it was with him when she was angry, then recanted and said it wasn't, I'll never know.

I'd be leery of it if I were you, I'm not a jealous person either, and in a normal relationship, I don't think it's a big deal, as long as you're both feeling safe and secure in your relationship, but if there is some significant doubt there? I think this kind of meeting is opening a door. If you're going to step back and just let it happen, I'd suggest just being aware as you can of what's going on with that.
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boogs152
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« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2019, 07:29:06 PM »

Yes I agree with watching for RED FLAGS. You don’t have to be with a borderline to experience a partner meeting with an ex but I remember reading that borderlines were particularly partial to idolise an significant first love or lover.

He did mention to me just this morning that he’s unsure on meeting her now


That he couldn’t handle it emotionally
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boogs152
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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2019, 05:51:08 PM »

I thought that the phrase.... “couldn’t handle it emotionally” was an interesting term he used
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Red5
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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2019, 07:01:10 PM »

I thought that the phrase.... “couldn’t handle it emotionally” was an interesting term he used

Ar you going to approach this (comment) with him, or are you going to “let it go”?

My ubpdw still to this day, talks about her ex husband .... he passed away in 2016.

The other night, after our dinner date (we are separated), she says to me, “I don’t want to hear anything about your ex wife anymore.... I slipped into a limited moment of “JADE”, and I said to her, ....”I expect the same from you then”....

Then she projected onto me the rest of the way back to her house.

When her ex passed, I remember a quite severe dysregulation and subsequent quarrel....lasting weeks, ST, splitting me, devalueing me....and all the while .... I tried to comfort her.... we had been married about five years at that point.

This was right about the time I had the bpd epiphany.... you see ... every time pw/bpd has a bad life ______ (experince).... then the non can stand by for a major dysregulation, followed by splitting .... and being colored black.... looking back over the last eleven years.... I see it... like land mark signs along an empty desert highway.

I’ve read a lot about how persons with bpd-npd will pine for their ex’s ... (unattainable) wheather it be ex spouses dead or living, or previous lovers.... even while they are “with you”, the non.

Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2019, 09:06:48 PM »

Thanks  Red 5. I understand what you’re saying about the empty highway with landmark signs. My partner becomes very unstable if change occurs. He will cry uncontrollably for days and weeks on end.
I wonder why borderlines become fixated on significant lovers? I mean My pwBPD has spoken so highly of one particular childhood sweetheart and then after several chance meetings he has concluded that she’s “weird”.
I’m guessing that borderlines can even split on their memories  of someone? Does that make sense? I’m guessing that she didn’t behave in a manner he expected when they met? I tried suggesting that she may have been feeling  a little nervous or shy? She probably was caught off guard.
My partner is socially awkward at the best of times.

I’m just wondering why he would hold her in such high esteem only to tear her down eventually. Why????
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Red5
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« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2019, 10:42:54 PM »

Excerpt
I’m just wondering why he would hold her in such high esteem only to tear her down eventually. Why????

Well, as we know, this is how a borderline works (wired)....

They meet you, the ideation phase... they put you on the ivory pedestal .... you are perfect (feelings equal facts)... they “build you up”....

A tall order to maintain this level of perfection... and most times the non is completely unawares.... clueless as to what is about to happen...

The borderline is trying to “correct” the inner wound, the “false self” that was created due to childhood trauma so long ago...

You, the non, are the current mark, the newly chosen one, to correct the bad programming, the borderlines perception of reality.

But sooner or later the non slips, and great is the fall, the borderline feels betrayed yet again....

So the non is then devalued ... to explain the failure ... the false self wants answers, validation that the betrayal is real, “feelings equal facts”...

So then contempt, and eventual discard may occur.... the inner false self of borderline must have validation... explanation as to why the non has failed.... the ivory pedestal must be dynamited ...

In the case of a long ago love, ... the borderline may retain this person in their memory...as their feelings want to remember them... require to remember ... “the one that got away”....no matter how flawed...

So one day latter on, if the former love should reappear ... and now factor in age, the passing of time etc’... the actual does not match the feelings equal facts memory.... so immediate devalue MUST occur to correct the actual as compared to the borderlines memory of the person.

Does any of this make sense to you?

I’ve read a lot about how borderlines are often development-mentally delayed in a way, arrested maturity .... “stuck” in adolescence....

Many times, I am sure... my own ubpdw was in fact the unruly teenager (presented) she was when she married her first husband at sixteen, he was seven years older then her....when she was verbally and sometimes even physically obliterating me....

Why did she need to escape her home ... at sixteen?

I think I may know.... after years of random information collected, ... she has told me a whole lot, when she had been drinking....

Yes, when she would realize I was a flawed human being, and not “Prince Charming”.... she would of course devalue me,... call me names, curse me... etc’.

Scorched earth type stuff.... I would be verbally obliterated...by a very upset fourteen - sixteen year old, in a forty something year old grown woman’s body....

This may take place in a week, months, or years.... it may cycle, and repeat,... over and over.... the levels of relationship destruction may vary widely.... I’ve read all manner of scenarios ... from serial adultry ... suicide attampts... DV, self harming.... all manner of destructive behavior ...

What you’ve described makes a lot of sense to me boogs152,

Borderline like all the other cluster “B” exist on a spectrum.... like any other disorder.... left to right, traits of full blown,... then add  comorbidity ... over time, if therapy is not sought ... my ubpdw is in her near mid fifties now.... so not likely to change, or seek therapy.

Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2019, 06:48:36 AM »

I have read and re-read your kind response Red5. Your words make sense. I too have done much research on the topic of BPD and I appreciate and understand your eloquent perspective. I wish I could express myself as broadly and as accurately as you have on occasion.
I can’t help but feel sadness as I read over each and every word that you have shared. I feel sad because I hold on to hope that one day my partner may fully open himself to love me as I love him but find myself often overwhelmed with confusion when trying to absorb the enormous complexity of BPD. It’s Like my brain explodes and my heart aches simultaneously.

Both my pwBPD and I have engaged in bettering our relationship. I have attended community education groups and met other people who care for loved ones with BPD. My pwBPD has recently spent many months in acute psychiatric care as well a regular appointments with a clinical psychologist. He is generally treatment resistant but always attended clinical appointments etc.

Most days I feel devalued by my pwBPD. It’s subtle.... he won’t engage in eye contact or hand holding or a simple hug. He may appear bored with me or return gifts that I have given him. We don’t argue or High conflict couple but my patience is wearing thin at times. I don’t know how to express my frustration with him.He is in constant turmoil for one reason or another. It’s so hard.
One observation though. He appears to be looking better these days where as I am looking worse. I have gained weight and look tired and I cry a lot alone.
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Red5
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« Reply #13 on: June 21, 2019, 09:42:04 AM »

Excerpt
I feel sad because I hold on to hope that one day my partner may fully open himself to love me as I love him but find myself often overwhelmed with confusion when trying to absorb the enormous complexity of BPD. It’s Like my brain explodes and my heart aches simultaneously.

Yes, we all do "I hold on to hope that one day my partner may fully open himself " … this a logical assumption, wish … its what makes sense to us … as in north is up, and south is down … most of us nons are logical thinkers, fixers, empaths … so when our partners, w/bpd, seem to not act, behave as the "natural order" would dictate, its extremely confusing to us, and it breaks our hearts that we give so much, we invest, we strive to learn the (life) lessons of mistakes … but our loved ones don't seem to follow … its like we are telling them, (metaphorically) "I love you, don't walk out into the street, its dangerous", … and they reply, "you are so controlling, don't take away my power, don't talk to me in that tone of voice" … and then they step out into the street without looking, or seeing the onrushing garbage truck … it doesn't make any sense to us … as though the laws of physics (example) have been warped … and subverted in their minds … they seem to exist in a completely different plain, universe of thinking than we do …

Excerpt
My pwBPD has recently spent many months in acute psychiatric care as well a regular appointments with a clinical psychologist. He is generally treatment resistant but always attended clinical appointments etc.

If your significant other is in therapy, then you got something there, and thusly you may be able to coexist, and to hang onto the relationship … yes, that's very good, awesome in fact! … many multitudes of us are not so lucky, me included … a lot of borderlines will never admit that they have issues, and need to address them to seek help, cognitive, dialectic etc' … to try and adapt, and overcome (manage) their bpd … as we read, there is no "chicken soup" recipe fix, a "cure" … no, the borderline, depending on severity (spectrum) … will only learn to adapt, thought dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) … they will learn to "control" their feelings (emotional thinking, feelings equal facts) … they must learn the dialectic tools in order to "re-wire" their thinking process, … to manage, no there is no "cure" as we understand that term … and thank you Marsha M. Linehan ! (DBT creator).

And the therapy is ongoing … perhaps a lifetime.

I would like to add one more thing, ... we as the non; in the borderline relationship, can also benefit (extremely benefit!) from DBT as well … as though we may be able to "reverse engineer" … as in, the more we understand through study … coupled with understanding, and even practicing DBT skills, … this will have tremendous positive effects on our relationships with our bpd partners … like having the answers to the exam before hand … the insider knowledge … I think so anyway : )

Another member here wrote this … and I've not forgotten it, and I think its important for us to remember, he said … "never trust your own emotional - mental health to a disordered person" … something like that, as I remember it.

Basically, the non has to unlearn what they have understood over their lifetimes as to how a relationship works … in a borderline relationship, (another metaphor) … its as though the compass on the bridge has a magnet next to it (unseen, detected) … and the relationship compass will never be able to ever show "grid-true-magnetic" north … so you have to learn "new tools", behaviors, and the ability to read your partners never ending emotions, and illogical behaviors … eg' the ever "spinning compass" …

Not easy, and over time, as you describe … it will wear you down … got to be able to recharge, to stay grounded, you have to have that "standby compass" … to check and recheck your exact position … because most times … your borderline partner isn't ever going to be able to provide this to you in any "sustained" manner … you are going to have to accept this … enter the term "radical acceptance".

… one more thing to add, then I'll hush … to quote (loosely) Dr. Jordan Peterson … "the best thing a person can do for a borderline, is to set an example for them" …

Its a "tough row to hoe" … hang in there boogs152!

Red5
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