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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Anyone been here?  (Read 456 times)
boogs152
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« on: June 11, 2019, 06:55:20 PM »

Hi everyone,

I’ve made few posts recently. It’s been a massive year for me on an emotional level since I began a relationship with my BPD man. I wanted to thank you all for you help. You go above and beyond. But I do have another question...

I remember reading somewhere that Borderlines can sometimes become fixated on a “past lover”. Perhaps their first love... Well my partner has these traits. He happened to run into his childhood sweetheart for the first time  a few months ago. He has mentioned her before this chance meeting to me on occasion and speaks highly of her.He has since run into her on another occasion and told me that she’s very  “weird”.
 
Fast forward to now and she has emailed him suggesting that they meet for coffee. He has agreed and the date is set.
Now... I wish to mention at this point  that I’m not a jealous person by any means and  it’s probably a meeting based in friendship and curiosity but I am wondering  if anyone else has experience with this  type of scenario? My partner has mentioned to me recently that he’s unsure of his feelings for me. But then sometimes behaves in a conflicting manner regarding our relationship. I’ve suggested that he discuss our relationship with his therapist so he can get a little clearer on why he’s even in a relationship with me if he’s unsure of his feelings for the past six months.

Anyone have any words of wisdom? You know, the BPD splitting etc?


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« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2019, 07:35:30 PM »

I have some insight on "first loves," or " post loves. " my DH and I reconnected 40 years after we first met -- we were teenagers living next door and in the same church youth group, and we were crazy about each other. My family moved away, and with going to college and the Army, we went out separate ways.

Reconnection with a first or lost love can be quite powerful. A professor in Washington has done research on it and attributes the strong feelings to the couple having an "imprint" of the relationship and person at an impressionable age. I have known reconnection that resulted in a relationship (my DH and I were married within months), and some/most that did not.

That being said, I too would be wondering if someone with BPD would reconnect and then not be able to hold feelings and thoughts of last and current relationships simultaneously without splitting.

How forthcoming has he been about his goals in having coffee with this person?
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« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2019, 09:39:39 PM »

I would suggest reading about “hypergamy”, as it pertains to the modern sense of dating and relationships.

I would be a bit ‘leary’ about a meeting to catch up over coffee.

Does this former love interest know that you and your significant other are a couple?

There are a few terms... ie’ decorum... boundaries... “off limits”.

This is my humble opinion.

Another angle, is to reverse the roles... would your significant other be “cool” with you meeting a “former boyfriend” for coffee, and catching up.

Were you invited to tag along?

Don’t ignore your gut feelings about this.

Kind regards, Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2019, 12:11:25 AM »

Okay good points made. I’m half considering waiti it out to see what transpires. I will research hypergamy

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boogs152
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« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2019, 12:14:32 AM »

I researched hypergamy and it states that is marrying above ones “class”?

How does this relate to my situation? Am I missing something?
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Red5
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« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2019, 06:39:46 AM »

I researched hypergamy and it states that is marrying above ones “class”?

How does this relate to my situation? Am I missing something?


Look up what the term means (although some what abstract) in the writings of the MGTOW and MRA movements ... pretty interesting view / slant on the subject of dating.

Basically it means (urban dictionary wise, not “Webster”)... that the law of the jungle ... human instinct prevails ... and that monogamy is not honored.

Why would your bf and his ex, suddenly want to “spend time” together... ask yourself ... how serious is your relationship with your bf that he would go out of his way to see an ex?

What are your plans... after waiting it out to see what transpires ... what does your gut feeling tell you?

Jealous or not, this woman is the ex, you on the other hand are invested ... to what level/degree I do not know, but I would be questioning his interest in a seemingly private meeting with his ex...

What do you think?

Red5
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« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2019, 10:28:48 AM »

My wife has always had a hard time letting go of her first love. When we were dating and she found out that he got married, she openly mourned for days almost wanting me to console her. RED FLAG.

When we were dating I overheard her mom telling her, before we got married, that she just needed to get over her ex and move on, we'd been dating for years at that point. RED FLAG.

I ignored many behaviors like this over the years and I wished I hadn't. She did have an affair in our marriage, said at one time it was with him when she was angry, then recanted and said it wasn't, I'll never know.

I'd be leery of it if I were you, I'm not a jealous person either, and in a normal relationship, I don't think it's a big deal, as long as you're both feeling safe and secure in your relationship, but if there is some significant doubt there? I think this kind of meeting is opening a door. If you're going to step back and just let it happen, I'd suggest just being aware as you can of what's going on with that.
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boogs152
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« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2019, 07:29:06 PM »

Yes I agree with watching for RED FLAGS. You don’t have to be with a borderline to experience a partner meeting with an ex but I remember reading that borderlines were particularly partial to idolise an significant first love or lover.

He did mention to me just this morning that he’s unsure on meeting her now


That he couldn’t handle it emotionally
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boogs152
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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2019, 05:51:08 PM »

I thought that the phrase... “couldn’t handle it emotionally” was an interesting term he used
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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2019, 07:01:10 PM »

I thought that the phrase... “couldn’t handle it emotionally” was an interesting term he used

Ar you going to approach this (comment) with him, or are you going to “let it go”?

My ubpdw still to this day, talks about her ex husband ... he passed away in 2016.

The other night, after our dinner date (we are separated), she says to me, “I don’t want to hear anything about your ex wife anymore... I slipped into a limited moment of “JADE”, and I said to her, ...”I expect the same from you then”...

Then she projected onto me the rest of the way back to her house.

When her ex passed, I remember a quite severe dysregulation and subsequent quarrel...lasting weeks, ST, splitting me, devalueing me...and all the while ... I tried to comfort her... we had been married about five years at that point.

This was right about the time I had the bpd epiphany... you see ... every time pw/bpd has a bad life ______ (experince)... then the non can stand by for a major dysregulation, followed by splitting ... and being colored black... looking back over the last eleven years... I see it... like land mark signs along an empty desert highway.

I’ve read a lot about how persons with bpd-npd will pine for their ex’s ... (unattainable) wheather it be ex spouses dead or living, or previous lovers... even while they are “with you”, the non.

Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2019, 09:06:48 PM »

Thanks  Red 5. I understand what you’re saying about the empty highway with landmark signs. My partner becomes very unstable if change occurs. He will cry uncontrollably for days and weeks on end.
I wonder why borderlines become fixated on significant lovers? I mean My pwBPD has spoken so highly of one particular childhood sweetheart and then after several chance meetings he has concluded that she’s “weird”.
I’m guessing that borderlines can even split on their memories  of someone? Does that make sense? I’m guessing that she didn’t behave in a manner he expected when they met? I tried suggesting that she may have been feeling  a little nervous or shy? She probably was caught off guard.
My partner is socially awkward at the best of times.

I’m just wondering why he would hold her in such high esteem only to tear her down eventually. Why?
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« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2019, 10:42:54 PM »

Excerpt
I’m just wondering why he would hold her in such high esteem only to tear her down eventually. Why?

Well, as we know, this is how a borderline works (wired)...

They meet you, the ideation phase... they put you on the ivory pedestal ... you are perfect (feelings equal facts)... they “build you up”...

A tall order to maintain this level of perfection... and most times the non is completely unawares... clueless as to what is about to happen...

The borderline is trying to “correct” the inner wound, the “false self” that was created due to childhood trauma so long ago...

You, the non, are the current mark, the newly chosen one, to correct the bad programming, the borderlines perception of reality.

But sooner or later the non slips, and great is the fall, the borderline feels betrayed yet again...

So the non is then devalued ... to explain the failure ... the false self wants answers, validation that the betrayal is real, “feelings equal facts”...

So then contempt, and eventual discard may occur... the inner false self of borderline must have validation... explanation as to why the non has failed... the ivory pedestal must be dynamited ...

In the case of a long ago love, ... the borderline may retain this person in their memory...as their feelings want to remember them... require to remember ... “the one that got away”...no matter how flawed...

So one day latter on, if the former love should reappear ... and now factor in age, the passing of time etc’... the actual does not match the feelings equal facts memory... so immediate devalue MUST occur to correct the actual as compared to the borderlines memory of the person.

Does any of this make sense to you?

I’ve read a lot about how borderlines are often development-mentally delayed in a way, arrested maturity ... “stuck” in adolescence...

Many times, I am sure... my own ubpdw was in fact the unruly teenager (presented) she was when she married her first husband at sixteen, he was seven years older then her...when she was verbally and sometimes even physically obliterating me...

Why did she need to escape her home ... at sixteen?

I think I may know... after years of random information collected, ... she has told me a whole lot, when she had been drinking...

Yes, when she would realize I was a flawed human being, and not “Prince Charming”... she would of course devalue me,... call me names, curse me... etc’.

Scorched earth type stuff... I would be verbally obliterated...by a very upset fourteen - sixteen year old, in a forty something year old grown woman’s body...

This may take place in a week, months, or years... it may cycle, and repeat,... over and over... the levels of relationship destruction may vary widely... I’ve read all manner of scenarios ... from serial adultry ... suicide attampts... DV, self harming... all manner of destructive behavior ...

What you’ve described makes a lot of sense to me boogs152,

Borderline like all the other cluster “B” exist on a spectrum... like any other disorder... left to right, traits of full blown,... then add  comorbidity ... over time, if therapy is not sought ... my ubpdw is in her near mid fifties now... so not likely to change, or seek therapy.

Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2019, 06:48:36 AM »

I have read and re-read your kind response Red5. Your words make sense. I too have done much research on the topic of BPD and I appreciate and understand your eloquent perspective. I wish I could express myself as broadly and as accurately as you have on occasion.
I can’t help but feel sadness as I read over each and every word that you have shared. I feel sad because I hold on to hope that one day my partner may fully open himself to love me as I love him but find myself often overwhelmed with confusion when trying to absorb the enormous complexity of BPD. It’s Like my brain explodes and my heart aches simultaneously.

Both my pwBPD and I have engaged in bettering our relationship. I have attended community education groups and met other people who care for loved ones with BPD. My pwBPD has recently spent many months in acute psychiatric care as well a regular appointments with a clinical psychologist. He is generally treatment resistant but always attended clinical appointments etc.

Most days I feel devalued by my pwBPD. It’s subtle... he won’t engage in eye contact or hand holding or a simple hug. He may appear bored with me or return gifts that I have given him. We don’t argue or High conflict couple but my patience is wearing thin at times. I don’t know how to express my frustration with him.He is in constant turmoil for one reason or another. It’s so hard.
One observation though. He appears to be looking better these days where as I am looking worse. I have gained weight and look tired and I cry a lot alone.
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« Reply #13 on: June 21, 2019, 09:42:04 AM »

Excerpt
I feel sad because I hold on to hope that one day my partner may fully open himself to love me as I love him but find myself often overwhelmed with confusion when trying to absorb the enormous complexity of BPD. It’s Like my brain explodes and my heart aches simultaneously.

Yes, we all do "I hold on to hope that one day my partner may fully open himself " … this a logical assumption, wish … its what makes sense to us … as in north is up, and south is down … most of us nons are logical thinkers, fixers, empaths … so when our partners, w/bpd, seem to not act, behave as the "natural order" would dictate, its extremely confusing to us, and it breaks our hearts that we give so much, we invest, we strive to learn the (life) lessons of mistakes … but our loved ones don't seem to follow … its like we are telling them, (metaphorically) "I love you, don't walk out into the street, its dangerous", … and they reply, "you are so controlling, don't take away my power, don't talk to me in that tone of voice" … and then they step out into the street without looking, or seeing the onrushing garbage truck … it doesn't make any sense to us … as though the laws of physics (example) have been warped … and subverted in their minds … they seem to exist in a completely different plain, universe of thinking than we do …

Excerpt
My pwBPD has recently spent many months in acute psychiatric care as well a regular appointments with a clinical psychologist. He is generally treatment resistant but always attended clinical appointments etc.

If your significant other is in therapy, then you got something there, and thusly you may be able to coexist, and to hang onto the relationship … yes, that's very good, awesome in fact! … many multitudes of us are not so lucky, me included … a lot of borderlines will never admit that they have issues, and need to address them to seek help, cognitive, dialectic etc' … to try and adapt, and overcome (manage) their bpd … as we read, there is no "chicken soup" recipe fix, a "cure" … no, the borderline, depending on severity (spectrum) … will only learn to adapt, thought dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT) … they will learn to "control" their feelings (emotional thinking, feelings equal facts) … they must learn the dialectic tools in order to "re-wire" their thinking process, … to manage, no there is no "cure" as we understand that term … and thank you Marsha M. Linehan ! (DBT creator).

And the therapy is ongoing … perhaps a lifetime.

I would like to add one more thing, ... we as the non; in the borderline relationship, can also benefit (extremely benefit!) from DBT as well … as though we may be able to "reverse engineer" … as in, the more we understand through study … coupled with understanding, and even practicing DBT skills, … this will have tremendous positive effects on our relationships with our bpd partners … like having the answers to the exam before hand … the insider knowledge … I think so anyway : )

Another member here wrote this … and I've not forgotten it, and I think its important for us to remember, he said … "never trust your own emotional - mental health to a disordered person" … something like that, as I remember it.

Basically, the non has to unlearn what they have understood over their lifetimes as to how a relationship works … in a borderline relationship, (another metaphor) … its as though the compass on the bridge has a magnet next to it (unseen, detected) … and the relationship compass will never be able to ever show "grid-true-magnetic" north … so you have to learn "new tools", behaviors, and the ability to read your partners never ending emotions, and illogical behaviors … eg' the ever "spinning compass" …

Not easy, and over time, as you describe … it will wear you down … got to be able to recharge, to stay grounded, you have to have that "standby compass" … to check and recheck your exact position … because most times … your borderline partner isn't ever going to be able to provide this to you in any "sustained" manner … you are going to have to accept this … enter the term "radical acceptance".

… one more thing to add, then I'll hush … to quote (loosely) Dr. Jordan Peterson … "the best thing a person can do for a borderline, is to set an example for them" …

Its a "tough row to hoe" … hang in there boogs152!

Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #14 on: June 24, 2019, 06:56:57 PM »

My pwBPD has just been re admitted into psychiatric care. This is the fourth time in six months. He usually remains in treatment for a month at a time.


I feel sad.
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Red5
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« Reply #15 on: June 24, 2019, 08:45:52 PM »

My pwBPD has just been re admitted into psychiatric care. This is the fourth time in six months.

What happened boogs152?

Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #16 on: June 25, 2019, 01:04:49 AM »

I’m not sure what happened this time. We had an uneventful weekend. He seemed ok. Saturday was fine so was Sunday. Next thing he’s waking me up on the Monday morning in tears wanting to go to the clinic. Said he’d felt suicidal all weekend. I had no idea. Nothing! This was first for me because in the past it’s been obvious when he’s distressed. I try to watch him closely.

He’s battled severe anxiety since the psychiatrist put him on new medications two months ago

Every time he’s re admitted it hits me harder...
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« Reply #17 on: June 25, 2019, 10:23:30 AM »

Excerpt
*I’m not sure what happened this time. We had an uneventful weekend. He seemed ok.

*Next thing he’s waking me up on the Monday morning in tears wanting to go to the clinic.

*Said he’d felt suicidal all weekend. I had no idea. Nothing! …. in the past it’s been obvious when he’s distressed.

Don't beat yourself up, … sometimes we are; and are not so attuned to our partners, we go off our instinct, and feelings, what we see, and hear … realize the fact; also that he realized he was in crisis, and reached out to you, trusted you, and asked for specific support (wanting to go to the clinic) … most times it doesn't go this way for a lot of members here, … so count your blessings there, …

Excerpt
I try to watch him closely.

He’s battled severe anxiety since the psychiatrist put him on new medications two months ago

Keep providing him support as he lets you, and asks of you, this is a pillar of the relationship imho, but you must remember to ensure that you also take care of yourself, so that you stay physically and emotional healthy enough to stand by your partner … these situations can be extremely draining … is there a way, or are you communicating with his heath care providers, can you share things with them?

From what I understand about medications, is that it actually takes a while for them to build up in the system, before any type of (full) effect can be realized … and sometimes the application of medications has to be adjusted, changed before the correct effects are realized, … hang in there boogs152,

Excerpt
Every time he’s re admitted it hits me harder...

As I wrote, you have to stay grounded, is there someone you can talk to, ie' therapy, a counselor … close friends, or family? … you have to be able to remove yourself now and again, to clear your head, and thoughts, so that you can continue to support your partner as he goes in and out of crisis-distress, …. this is tough stuff boogs152,

Keep posting, kind regards, Red5
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boogs152
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« Reply #18 on: June 25, 2019, 09:25:50 PM »

I only usually make posts here when I’m at my wits end. Whilst I’m given good advice,it’s often hard to absorb it effectively as my mind is swirling and heart is heavy. I try to find support with a therapist and a community group and this was very helpful but in truth doesn’t really change the challenges that face me and pwBPD on a day to day basis...

My partner has only been in the clinic for 24 hrs and has already  called me wishing to leave. I don’t know what to say... or what’s up or down.

How do I make him see the impact his actions are having on me? He seems oblivious.
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« Reply #19 on: June 25, 2019, 10:58:13 PM »

I only usually make posts here when I’m at my wits end.

Whilst I’m given good advice,it’s often hard to absorb it effectively as my mind is swirling and heart is heavy.

My partner has only been in the clinic for 24 hrs and has already  called me wishing to leave. I don’t know what to say... or what’s up or down.

How do I make him see the impact his actions are having on me? He seems oblivious.

When I came here about three years ago, I too was at my wits end, ... I can tell you that you are in a good place, ... I’ve learned a lot, and have been able to make changes in myself, and learned to better understand my own ubpdw.

I do not know where your geographical location is, ... but from what I understand ... if a person is under care, in a clinic, due to suicidal ideation, then there is a protocol, they can’t just walk out... is this your case-scenario?

Also, as I gather, your partner and yourself are not married, so I’m unsure what authority, or responsibilities you would assume in regards to your partner ... while is under care,

I know there is an evaluation period once the person is admitted to a clinic under these circumstances...

How do you make him see the impact this is having on you?, ... it’s been my experience that when the person with bpd either undiagnosed or not, will have little mutual empathic understanding when they are in such a dysregulative emotional condition, ...as you describe, it’s been about 24 hours, and he wants to leave the facility... and as I wrote, that may not be up to him, but only the “duty physician”... have these duty authorities spoken to you, or asked you for any input, in regards to your partners condition, or circumstances?

There is another member, on the conflicted board, his board name is “stolencrumbs”... it may benefit you to and read his posts-threads ... as he is in the same type relationship conundrum as you currently.

Hang in there, and keep posting  ...  if it were me, I’d try to at least speak with his caregivers ... if that is within their protocol.

Kind regards, Red5
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« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2019, 08:49:34 PM »

Hello Boogs152,

I am the same: I tend to post when I am at my wits end too. I understand where you are at. My partner has been in and out of the mental health ward in recent times. I think it is promising that your partner actually articulated that he needed to go to the clinic. The way I look at it, even this slight plea for help is a big deal. My partner has been expressing similar things to me in recent times. Rather than me wondering where she suddenly disappeared to and finding out days later she is in hospital, she has told me she needs to go. It can become a problem in itself I think. I recently drove 200km in the middle of the night to another state so my partner could admit herself to what she calls her "bubble" (the mental health unit). No sooner as we got there into the hospital car park, she wanted to go home. I am hoping things improve for you. It is a painfully slow process.
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« Reply #21 on: June 30, 2019, 05:33:22 AM »

Hi 2020,

I really understand your situation. I too feel your frustration. Whilst we are indeed in more advantageous circumstances due out partners seeking treatment this too brings about an entirely different set of challenges. I’m so grateful that my beloved partner is seeking help. He has done so much hard work by himself at this point. It has been a hard journey... observing another human being existing with such unimaginable pain. I had no idea such degree of suffering was even possible. I was so naive... blissfully ignorant.
My partner started a pretty significant amount of medications for the first time in January this year. It’s been a process of trial error. My partner has chopped and changed his choices and emotions so dramatically during that time that it makes my head spin that I don’t know if I’m up or down. I’ve cried and cried private tears on many occasions trying to work out where I fit into all of it. All I can say is that my only way of coping has been with extreme patience compassion and hopefulness. My partner has come such a long way that I can say that it has all been worth it. Even when I’m broken and exhausted I still think it’s been worth it.
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« Reply #22 on: July 01, 2019, 06:59:53 AM »

I wanted to offer an update. My partner has completed five days in a psychiatric clinic. After many tests his psychiatrist decided to make adjustments to his medications and agreed to discharge him within the week.

. My pwBPD looks great. He looks rested and positive. He always starts out this way and over time declines. He has his first appointment so far this year with a clinical psychologist. He saw this psychologist last year and she helped him immensely. I could see that the therapy was triggering him greatly but he persisted and I admire him for that.
He confided in a friend that he was on medication and that he was still suffering with anxiety. His friend told him that he should stop the medication and start yoga and breath work. This had
An impact on my partner and he mentioned this to me.Whilst his friend probably had good intentions I resent people having opinions on things that they have no business messing with.
I was frustrated but decided to give myself some time to think it over amd offer my own considered opinion. I decided to tell my partner that he needs to approach healing via multiple avenues and that whilst medication wasn’t an ideal option that I had seen improvement in his behaviour. I mentioned that healing is a process and that in time he will need to decide what is best for him by discussing this with his therapist. I want my partner to feel empowered to make his own choices and by doing that he must have a balanced approach to healing and his health. Things take time and that it’s okay to feel fear and discomfort. I noticed that he is extremely critical of himself. I find this particularly difficult to observe because he is so incredibly gifted and unique. My interactions with him are generally simple in nature. I notice that my dialogue with him is mostly based on simple words like yes no and okay. I listen and observe and just let him be himself.
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« Reply #23 on: July 01, 2019, 09:11:32 AM »

boogs,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I can only echo what the others have already said, in that I think it's a great sign that he reached out to you, it showed trust and faith in you that you'd be willing to help him when he's in distress, and as it sounds, so far he's followed through with getting that help. That's a good thing, and something to feel good about.

In my wife I've seen therapy to be the greatest regulator in her behavior. The catch is, it has to be the right therapist, because I've seen her with some therapist that only agitated her, and that agitation spilled into our relationship after every session, but the right therapist really gave her the tools to help her regulate her behavior.

Meds have never been much help for my wife (and she's been on a ton of them). The side-effects out weighed any temporary benefit. I know they are helpful for some, so I'm not discrediting them, but I think nothing replaces the right tools in the bpd's mind.

In regards to how's it affecting you, and the frustration and sadness you feel because he doesn't acknowledge the impact it all has on you, I just don't think he will in those times of dis-regulation, it's just not going to happen. That's been my experience. Sometimes, there are moments of clarity from the bpd and they will give you that, my wife has, but I've been learning to not look for or expect it from her (sadly). It's just part of accepting her as she is. It helps me to stay grounded too, and not get lost in her bubble of reality. I look for that consolation from my faith in God, from here, in my family and within myself. I'm just grateful when it does come from my wife, but I can't expect it or I just get disappointed and frustrated. I guess it's part of that radical acceptance the Red5 mentioned? Our relationships are just different than what we probably all hoped for or envisioned.

I'm happy to hear that he's completed his stay and is doing better. I think your right in trying to empower him to make good choices (same as we'd do for a teenager). It sounds like your taking your time, listening, being observant, responsible and helpful. What more could he want?
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The Wind

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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 41


« Reply #24 on: July 01, 2019, 09:37:31 AM »

Well, as we know, this is how a borderline works (wired)...

They meet you, the ideation phase... they put you on the ivory pedestal ... you are perfect (feelings equal facts)... they “build you up”...

A tall order to maintain this level of perfection... and most times the non is completely unawares... clueless as to what is about to happen...

The borderline is trying to “correct” the inner wound, the “false self” that was created due to childhood trauma so long ago...

You, the non, are the current mark, the newly chosen one, to correct the bad programming, the borderlines perception of reality.

But sooner or later the non slips, and great is the fall, the borderline feels betrayed yet again...

So the non is then devalued ... to explain the failure ... the false self wants answers, validation that the betrayal is real, “feelings equal facts”...

So then contempt, and eventual discard may occur... the inner false self of borderline must have validation... explanation as to why the non has failed... the ivory pedestal must be dynamited ...

In the case of a long ago love, ... the borderline may retain this person in their memory...as their feelings want to remember them... require to remember ... “the one that got away”...no matter how flawed...

So one day latter on, if the former love should reappear ... and now factor in age, the passing of time etc’... the actual does not match the feelings equal facts memory... so immediate devalue MUST occur to correct the actual as compared to the borderlines memory of the person.

Does any of this make sense to you?

I’ve read a lot about how borderlines are often development-mentally delayed in a way, arrested maturity ... “stuck” in adolescence...

Borderline like all the other cluster “B” exist on a spectrum... like any other disorder... left to right, traits of full blown,... then add  comorbidity ... over time, if therapy is not sought ... my ubpdw is in her near mid fifties now... so not likely to change, or seek therapy.

Red5

This makes so much sense to me, and is right on the money!
Very insightful and helpful in understanding a bpd's thinking.
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boogs152
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Posts: 185


« Reply #25 on: September 16, 2019, 11:13:03 PM »

Hi guys

Just an update. Everything still up and down with my partner.Dont see  that changing anytime soon. Problems are coming thick and fast with him. He’s unstable constantly.... blah blah blah....


I was going to go on and on about his problems but I’ve just realised that I’d be repeating myself. Same sh*t  different day. I’m feeling frustrated and alone. He’s been self medicating and it’s getting worse.

On the upside we started with a couples counsellor. I just feel overwhelmed at times. Sometimes it feels so hard when I look at the mountain of issues my partner has. I’m a relatively simple person at heart. I’m the grounded constant in his life. I can’t relate to what he goes through. Anyway just want to vent again.
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