Perpetually a caretaker?

[SciNerd]

Hey all,

It's been a while since my last visit here. My mom has BPD, and I've been trying to do lots of reading to help understand my situation better. I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life". I'm halfway through the book, and what I realized is that since childhood I've adapted so many ways to be her caretaker, that I barely know how not to anymore. I feel like it's become part of my identity... and what's worse, is I'm starting to become aware of all the other relationships in my life that I've allowed myself to fall into that role once again... feeling like I need to save people, fix their problems make the conflict go away. I am engaged, and my fiance has acted like an absolute asshole for the last 3 years of our relationship. Yet during that time, I coddled, forgave, and reasoned that this time would be the last time (in his case drinking to excess). Both of us are now finally in a state of clarity, and he's admitted he's been dealing with depression...which explains everything. But I've now managed to entangle myself with another person who is unable to regulate their emotions, and I'm starting to feel like it really is me who needs to grow and start attracting people who are more stable in personality. Is there life beyond being the care taker? How did some of you move past that role? I'm sure as I get further in my book they will provide some more actions I can take, but I wanted to see what some people have done that's been successful, and maybe start believing that I can have that too.

As always, knowing other people out there are going through the same thing lifts me up and gives me hope.

Thanks <3

[Kwamina]

Hi SciNerd and welcome back

Is there life beyond being the care taker?

Yes there is! We cannot change what we do not see or do not know, and also what we are unable or unwilling to acknowledge. However, you being able to not only see what is going on, but also acknowledging it, is a crucial step forward  Now you can start working on the tools and skills that can help you grow and heal even further.

How did some of you move past that role?

I think boundaries will be very important to help you move forward. Do you generally feel comfortable setting and defending boundaries with people?

Considering the role of rescuer, it can also be very helpful to consider the so-called Karpman Drama Triangle and also the Winning Triangle. Are you already familiar with these concepts?

Here are some excerpts from our article about these triangles:

The rescuer  is a classic enabler. The rescuer feels guilty if he/she doesn't rescue. Yet his/her rescuing has negative effects: it keeps the victim  dependent and gives the victim  permission to fail. It also keeps the rescuer stuck in focusing energy on someone else's problems, not solving his/her own. The rescuer's  line is "Let me help you."
….
The actions of the rescuer are often pivotal and tend to drive the conflict intensity level by how aggressively they respond. The motivations of the rescuer  are the least obvious...In the terms of the drama triangle, the rescuer  is someone who has a mixed motive and is actually benefiting in some way for being "the one who rescues". The rescuer  has a surface motive of resolving the problem, and appears to make great efforts to solve it, but often has a hidden motive to not succeed, or to succeed in a way that they benefit. For example, they may feel a sense of self-esteem or status as a rescuer, or enjoy having someone dependent on or trusting of them - and act in a way that ostensibly seems to be trying to help, but at a deeper level plays upon the victim in order to continue getting a payoff.
….
Stop Fixing the other person. Don't be a Rescuer. If we've been a caretaker to a person with personality or impulse disorder for a long time, it might be a hard habit to break. We have felt obligated to do it. We have felt guilty for not doing it. We may have needed to do it with a parent to make our childhood bearable. We may have enjoyed the superior status of being the helper, the good person, etc. It may be very hard to relinquish the false hope that the other person will someday step permanently into the role of a responsible and giving adult, partner, or parent. We have to face our own outdated fantasies, feelings and beliefs and let them go before we can stop fixing, rescuing and caretaking the other person.
We have been the caretaker as a way to keep the peace, keep the delusion, keep the fantasy, keep the family together, keep the other person calm. But perhaps it's time to face the fact that none of our caretaking methods have worked for more than a few minutes or a few days.
Giving up rescuing the other person is an action, not a discussion. It isn’t something to announce to the other person. It isn’t something to negotiate with the other person. It isn’t something to threaten the other person with. It is all action. We stop participating in the merry-go-round interactions, we stop arguing, we stop worrying about what the other person will do next, we stop expecting the other person to fulfill our needs. This does not mean that we have to stop caring about or loving the other person. We change from being a rescuer  in the interaction by making choices and taking actions that work better for us and might even work better for the other person.
……
Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer  and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -  simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer  has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.

You can read more here: Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

There is hope for things to change though it takes time and hard work. As you take a look at your care taking and develop better boundaries, you will notice that the kind of people you attract into your life will change. Those who are looking for a caretaker, will  be less likely to want to interact with you once you show them you have healthy boundaries. In my experience, there will be some painful challenges: 1) Those who are used to be taken care of by you will likely react in cruel ways much worse than you have ever experienced, and this can be so enormously painful and there can be a temptation to go back to care taking them. 2) You will start to attract better people into your life. In the beginning, you may not feel worthy of surrounding yourself with kind caring people, and it can feel quite scary as this can be a big change, compared to what you are used to. It will take time and some painful experiences to learn how to have healthier relationships. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing! You are not alone on your journey on working towards having better relationships in your life.

[SciNerd]

Thank you The Board Parrot and Zachira for your encouraging words!

The excerpt you included was amazingly helpful. I have found that boundaries so far have been my toughest growth area. I have fully accepted that my mother will not be able to provide me with the relationship I hoped for, and that this will be an ongoing battle... but because I was never allowed to have boundaries growing up, it has been incredibly difficult establishing what boundaries are, what they look like etc. I've even had to google what good boundaries are some days just to wrap my head around what they are in order to start to enforce them. I've started with very small acts- deciding on a movie, asserting my opinion with people who I know don't have disordered thinking. It's such a slow process. For instance I know I would like to enforce the idea with my mother that I don't want to listen to another guilt trip about how "little" we talk, but I don't know how to enforce it. Do I walk away? How can I say it where I'm not being cruel, but not bending my standards so she doesn't get hurt?

I'm finding at least when it comes to setting boundaries, my relationship is a little easier to enforce and manage them; because although my fiance is depressed, he is still able to self reflect and is capable of growth. I've changed the game a lot on him since we first started dating, so I feel some obligation to let him catch up (I've slowed my drinking down substantially, eating healthier, changing my lifestyle).

It's so nice to hear that it really is possible to move forward, but I can see it's going to take a lot of strength and growth on my part. As always thank you so much for the support! This community has helped me so much already in feeling sane and not alone.

[Kwamina]

I am glad this community has been of such help to you

How can I say it where I'm not being cruel, but not bending my standards so she doesn't get hurt?

There are various ways to enforce boundaries, but I think it's important to keep in mind that boundaries are about us, they help us keep ourselves safe and preserve our own well-being. Boundaries are not about how the other person might feel. The other person might be hurt by us enforcing boundaries, but that will often also be a reaction to you changing the relationship dynamics. You setting and enforcing boundaries will help you break free from the Karpman Drama Triangle while the other person in response might try to keep you stuck on that triangle. We have a thread here which contains examples of different ways to enforce boundaries: Boundaries - examples