20 yo BPD daughter currently living with me hates my significant other

[lexi440]

 

My daughter just turned 20 and was diagnosed 4 months ago with BPD.

She moved home from an out of state school to get treatment. She is in an adherent DBT outpatient program currently which she regularly attends.   She is living with me.  Her Dad and I are divorced but we communicate regularly and are on good terms. We provide her a car, cell phone, place to live and have funded college tuition and board and will continue to do so when she transfers to an in state school in the fall. She does have a part time job. We also fund her therapy which is completely out of pocket.

We have always been close but there were signs of BPD throughout her adolescence and teenage years.  She has had a tumultuous relationship with her Dad frequently wanting no relationship with him. She currently barely has contact with him and really only when she needs something.  She says he was non validating and hates him. He loves her very much and would do anything for her. However, they are opposites and have different opinions in a lot of areas.  His is heartbroken she wants no relationship with him.

I have been dating a man for about 9 years. We have not married or moved in together because we wanted the kids to get off to college first. His youngest is graduating this year.

During my daughter’s teenage years when she exhibited a lot of disrespectful behaviors, my significant other tried to discipline or would tell her when she did something inappropriate.   She took great exception to this and I tried to manage the situation asking him to keep his mouth shut and not criticize her. I didn’t know at the time she had BPD.  He was never abusive but clearly exhibited irritation at times at her behavior.

Now that she is living with me again, she says she hates him and doesn’t want him around her.  I am trying to keep my boundaries and not let her control my relationship but if I have him at my house or want to go spend time with him she rages at me and is verbally hateful (calls me despicable, selfish, a bad Mom) etc. and demands he leave.   She now says I am toxic to her and she wants nothing to do with me. She said she would move out if she could afford it but since she can’t she just wants us to avoid each other until she can go back to school.  She says she will never accept him and that he provokes anxiety and pain in her.

I believe the only way that I can improve my relationship with her is if I give in to her demands to not bring my significant other around or end the relationship altogether. I want to do neither of these things as I love him and want to be in a relationship with him. I worry she will never accept him and I will either have to choose her or him.

I'm heartbroken and want my daughter in my life and love her so much.  It's a heavy feeling of grief.  Can you give any guidance on how I should handle this situation to improve it?

Thanks for reading.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Lexi
I am both glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. You have come to the right place for help and support as you negotiate your relationship with your DD and SO. Since you ask advise, here is mine. I don't think giving in to her demands is healthy for either of you. You are entitled to have a relationship as well as your own peace of mind.  It is important to have boundaries. Maybe that is the place to start. What do you think?

[lexi440]

Thank you for your response!  I agree and that is what my therapist has recommended.  Have not given into her demands to not bring him around and holding my boundaries which I was not good at doing before the BPD diagnosis.  Now that I am, she is ramping up the blame on me that I didn't protect her from her Dad and my SO, both of whom she sees as invalidating and "mentally abusive" and that bringing him around her is betraying her and adding to her pain.  I wonder if she sees him as a threat to taking me away from her or me withdrawing my support for her so trying to punish me?  Do you think with time and DBT therapy we can repair our relationship if I move forward with a LT relationship with my SO?

[FaithHopeLove]

I wonder if she sees him as a threat to taking me away from her or me withdrawing my support for her so trying to punish me?  Do you think with time and DBT therapy we can repair our relationship if I move forward with a LT relationship with my SO?

It seems like you are in a bit of an unhealthy triangle here. Yes, I do think you can all repair your relationships although it may take a little time.

[Only Human]

Hello and Welcome, Lexi440

I'm popping in briefly as I'm currently working but wanted to welcome you along with Faith, and to throw out a link on "extinction burst" that I found when I first joined.

BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts

Here's an excerpt:

When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.

I wonder if your daughter would entertain the idea of finding another place to be when your SO is visiting?

Gotta run, I hope you stay with us here, as Faith says,

Yes, I do think you can all repair your relationships although it may take a little time.

~ OH

[ProfDaddy]

Now that she is living with me again, she says she hates him and doesn’t want him around her.  I am trying to keep my boundaries and not let her control my relationship but if I have him at my house or want to go spend time with him she rages at me and is verbally hateful (calls me despicable, selfish, a bad Mom) etc. and demands he leave. She now says I am toxic to her and she wants nothing to do with me. She said she would move out if she could afford it but since she can’t she just wants us to avoid each other until she can go back to school.  She says she will never accept him and that he provokes anxiety and pain in her.

Lexi440, so sorry to hear you are going through this. Many of us have children who treat us this way. It is very painful, feeling selfish for wanting a partner and a life of your own. My newly diagnosed D17 shows the same pattern with her stepmother, she always has. It is very destructive and infuriating.

Now that she is living with me again, she says she hates him and doesn’t want him around her.  I am trying to keep my boundaries and not let her control my relationship but if I have him at my house or want to go spend time with him she rages at me and is verbally hateful (calls me despicable, selfish, a bad Mom) etc. and demands he leave. She now says I am toxic to her and she wants nothing to do with me. She said she would move out if she could afford it but since she can’t she just wants us to avoid each other until she can go back to school.  She says she will never accept him and that he provokes anxiety and pain in her.

I believe the only way that I can improve my relationship with her is if I give in to her demands to not bring my significant other around or end the relationship altogether. I want to do neither of these things as I love him and want to be in a relationship with him. I worry she will never accept him and I will either have to choose her or him.

Have you fallen for her manipulation? Why do you believe that the only way to have a relationship with her is to give up your significant other? I have come to understand that dd17 is placing everyone in a drama triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle). She is always the victim, she needs to believe her stepmother is the persecutor, and needs me to be the rescuer. It sounds like this may be happening in your family.

I believe the only way that I can improve my relationship with her is if I give in to her demands to not bring my significant other around or end the relationship altogether. I want to do neither of these things as I love him and want to be in a relationship with him. I worry she will never accept him and I will either have to choose her or him.

Wow, that's giving her a lot of power. I have suffered the same doubts about my own marriage. There is hope. Rather than focusing on DD17, who I can't change, I can focus on how I have enabled this pattern in her past, over and over, trying to be supportive, but actually enabling. First her brother was the persecutor, then her mother, then her stepmother, friends, teachers, etc. I always took the role of rescuer, believing I was a good parent. I helped create this pattern, I can stop, but it isn't easy.

The tools on this site, a good Therapist, friends, support groups, have helped me start to establish healthier boundaries. That improved things with my spouse, but not with DD17, who is showing a prodigous extinction burst (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0).

Hang in there, care for yourself, and be thankful for your significant other, who loves you enough to stand by your side through these struggles.

[lexi440]

Thank you so much for sharing your similar experience. It helps to know others are going through the same issues. . I agree that I have always been the rescuer and enabled behavior and I have stopped.  I realize now it is a behavior extinction burst as you referenced. While my relationship with my SO has improved, my relationship with her has deteriorated significantly. I now see I need to hold my ground and stop enabling the behavior or I will be sacrificing my relationship with my SO only to have her continue to test me in other ways. My SO has been very supportive and I am grateful to have him in my life.   My D20 is in DBT therapy and praying she learns the skills needed to change herself.   This site has been very helpful. Thanks again!

[livednlearned]

I'm the step mom to SD22 and want to send you a hug for being in a blended family dynamic with a child who suffers from BPD.  

It can really turn your head around.

The book When Your Daughter Has BPD by Lobel has helped me in our blended dynamics. Lobel writes about competitive versus cooperative family structures -- BPD traits tend to push the family toward competitive structures, which pushes the families toward a breaking point.

SD22 works tirelessly to split family members, especially me. I get it -- I occupy a meaningful place in the new family structure. I have a lot of theoretical power and I set limits that prevent her from driving her steam roller through this new family structure we are creating. I focus on creating a cooperative family structure even if she is unwilling to participate in that way.

As a result, H and other family members are experiencing the benefits of working cooperatively -- we work together. A tighter family unit feels safer and communication is better. As a result, without fully understanding why, SD22 is losing some steam. Everyone wants her to feel safe, we opt to do it in a way that strengthens our family instead of splits it apart.

She senses that her behaviors are not splitting the family and creating chaos. It is not healing her, exactly, it just means we are not falling apart because of her efforts. Although the united front does seem to have a beneficial effect on her because the home is calmer and she is somewhat contained.

How long do you anticipate D20 will be living at home with you?

How often does D20 interact with your SO?