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Author Topic: Finding myself consumed by anger at uBPD-exwife  (Read 403 times)
Caco Canepa
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« on: June 09, 2019, 06:34:50 AM »

It's been more than a year since I separated from my wife, after four hellish years of marriage, a house renovation, a baby, and almost the entire time in couples counseling that went nowhere. The moment that I knew the relationship was over was a moment of great relief, and life was immediately better. I feel that I've gotten a new start on life and can go back to living in integrity. Generally, I'm much much happier and grateful.

I've done extensive counseling and therapy on my own since the separation, and have been learning much about what happened in my own background that made me stick around for abusive treatment. I've been reading and learning important lessons about maintaining my own boundaries in a relationship. We've been doing an OK job of co-parenting our 3yo, despite the tension over the divorce and settlement.

But in the past few weeks, I've been noticing that I'm getting consumed by waves of anger in a way that I wasn't before. Part of it is that she has a new boyfriend already, and I'm seeing her replay the "honeymoon" love-bomb phase of our relationship.

Part of it is that we came up on the anniversary of the separation, which was traumatic — I called police on her after she attacked me, but was myself arrested and falsely jailed and charged. This event gave me great clarity — if she was going to attack me and then lie to get me jailed, this was not love.

I feel like I have survived something that tried to destroy me. The anniversary has brought up memories of how much she demeaned and humiliated me. I'm also angry at myself for getting into the situation, and for not standing up for myself and getting cowed into violating my integrity. In the meantime, she's keeping up appearances of normalcy and middle-class professional success — she kept the house (paid me a settlement, with help from her parents) and has a new boyfriend and is taking instagram-worthy trips to Costa Rica and Colorado. I feel as though she has the world fooled, and I am ... angry about it.

I've found myself talking to mutual friends about her behavior during our marriage. Sometimes it becomes clear that it's making people very uncomfortable. Sometimes it gets back to her that I've been talking. I'm glad that it makes her uncomfortable — I don't think she'll ever apologize to me or own up to her awful behavior. But I get the sense that I'm overstepping my friends' boundaries. I'm feeling a lot of shame about that and realizing that I need to back off. But then that brings me back to the toxic silence that I was living in before.

My therapist says that in this anger phase, I'm speaking my fire and my truth. I'm trying to fully feel and understand this sensation. It really hurts when it comes out — it feels like I'm vomiting gasoline. I can't hold it in, but it's destructive when I let it out. I feel that these strong emotions are undermining my integrity as a person. I feel like I'm losing validity.

I've unpacked a bunch, and I don't know what to do with it now. I feel a mess.
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2019, 10:53:41 PM »

Excerpt
I've found myself talking to mutual friends about her behavior during our marriage. Sometimes it becomes clear that it's making people very uncomfortable. Sometimes it gets back to her that I've been talking. I'm glad that it makes her uncomfortable — I don't think she'll ever apologize to me or own up to her awful behavior. But I get the sense that I'm overstepping my friends' boundaries.

You desire an apology, do you feel?
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Caco Canepa
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« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2019, 06:32:07 AM »

I think that's what I want ultimately. An apology, an accounting, a validation.

I know it's too much to ask, and sometimes I think that to still want it from her gives her some measure of power over me.

Power over me — I gave her that somehow. I fell in love with her, and loved how that felt, and how she made me feel about myself. And then when she turned, it made me feel terrible about myself. I'm angry at her for violating that trust. And I'm very angry at myself for allowing her that power over me.
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Panda39
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« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2019, 07:19:02 AM »

And I'm very angry at myself for allowing her that power over me.

To this all I can say is you didn't know what you didn't know and sometimes we have to learn things the hard way, the important thing now is that you learn from the experience and it sounds like you are making progress in that area. 

I come at BPD from a different angle my partner has an uBPDxw, but I recognize your anger, I arrived here one angry Panda.  It really was toxic and all encompassing and it took time to let it go and it will take time for you to work through it and let it go too. 

If you feel like you vented/over-shared with your friend how about you apologize and do something nice for them (with the ex topic off limits)  If you think that might be hard to keep a lid on...go to the movies there is no talking there     and it's a couple of hours of escapism.

In terms of the anger it's okay to be angry you likely have things to be angry about, I know I did, but try not to let it become toxic and all consuming.  I had to learn radical acceptance...that my partner's ex was gonna do what she's gonna do.  I could not control her...which I realized was where my particular anger was coming from, frustration that I couldn't make her do what I wanted her to do.  Frustration that I couldn't fix her and make her act like a normal mentally healthy person. I came to realize that I could only control me and my reactions and once I fugured that out I began to turn my focus away from her and put it back where it belonged on my own life. When I stopped fixating on her and what she was and wasn't doing and began to focus on my own life and the people in it I was able to start moving forward again.

I found this workshop on "Anger & Healing" maybe there is something helpful in this for you... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=75098.0

Hang in there 
Panda39
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Butane
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« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2019, 07:55:46 AM »

A lot of your post resonated with me and my situation. At times I have been despondent and heart broken, only to become enraged and explosively angry. The teary, heart broken part I overshared with friends, what I call the verbal diarrhea. The rage part is venting when alone, with cursing and sarcasm, playing out scenarios of what I could say to crush him if he were here.

Neither is healthy. I've stopped burdening my friends. I apologized and they said "anytime I need to talk...". The thing is, the better use of friend time is to enjoy time together. I don't want our get togethers to be all about my problems. In my case, my friends believe me about all the unstable things my H has done. In your case, do you feel your W's behaviour was mostly " behind closed doors" and therefore unbelievable to others?

Raging/venting to myself in private doesn't help me much either. I learned that the anger I feel when doing that gives me a temporary surge of feeling powerful. But soon after, the satisfying feeling from that fades. Really, I don't need to feel powerful... I need to feel valuable. H's treatment of me and his multiple betrayals make me feel like I have no value. So, I need to behave in ways that make me feel like a valuable person again. Since learning this, I've found that my anger and vengeful feelings have declined. 
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« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2019, 10:15:07 AM »

My BPD ex is obsessed with social media, and does her best to project the idea that she is successful and happy.  I didn't know when I first fell for her that the glam was a sham.  She worries constantly about how people view her, and was angry at me for not being a social media person who gushed over her publicly.  I don't even own a smartphone. It was a major way she tried to prove I didn't love her.

Anyways, it makes sense you feel angry about that.  If I see her honeymooning a new man in Costa Rica, I'd be feeling the same.  I'm hoping if or when that happens I can keep in mind on what lies beneath the camouflage, and to feel pity for the fool who fell into her web.  His hell is just beginning.  Hers is never ending.  Yours is ending, albeit slowly.

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GaGrl
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« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2019, 11:38:57 AM »

Like Panda, I am the wife of a man whose ex is uBPD, and I landed here very angry indeed. DH and I are in a much better place -- a good marriage does heal, and the support on the board is terrific.

I can tell you that in the 33 years (19 living together) that DH was officially married to her, his Ex never -- never -- apologized for her behaviors. One time, she looked at him and asked, "Can you ever forgive me?" - - no apology, just straight to forgiveness.

DH is one of those good souls who forgives for himself and his growth and spiritual peace. It took me somewhat longer.

Do you think you can move to forgiveness without any acknowledgement on her part?
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In yours and my discharge."
Caco Canepa
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« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2019, 12:04:17 PM »

@Butane

You resonate right back at me. I guess I feel like I'm back to being six years old and re-learning how to relate with other people. I'm a little embarrassed by that, but no one ever died of embarrassment. I'm grateful for the help of friends, and they've reached out with tenderness, while maintaining their boundaries. It's good to be among people who exhibit healthy emotional behavior, even after having gone through their own traumas.

" the better use of friend time is to enjoy time together. "  <=== This resonates and is good to add to the mantras for functioning right now. THanks for this!

GaGrl:
"Do you think you can move to forgiveness without any acknowledgement on her part?"
That's a really good question. I'm going to need to. Over the past year, I thought that's where I was. And then the flood of emotions came back to me. So I know that I'm going to need another road map to get me there.

My ex, in an email last week, tried to paint me as deranged and told me she wanted to clear the air. That she had forgiven me and was hoping that I could "forgive and forget" and be friends again. I wrote back a very long fiery reply, and then saved it without sending. The next morning,
I scrapped that email and just simply reread her note and noted that she hoped I could forgive her. I wrote back simply:

"What is it that you hope to be forgiven for?"

I don't know if I'll get a response to this, or if it was the right response, but I feel that I found a possible opening in her words. From my view, I know that she took actions that hurt me and caused me great pain and damage and trauma. (Namecalling, intimidation, aggression, destroying/selling my belongings, humiliation, lack of agency, isolation from friends, and lying about my character, and ultimately lying to put me in jail). I don't know what she thinks about these things she did, because I've gotten mixed messages from her. Possible reasons not to apologize:

  • I deserved this treatment because I "ignored" her and didn't truly love or appreciate her
    I'm exaggerating the trauma to make her look bad while minimizing my own bad behavior
    I'm over-sensitive and was punishing her because of my failed first marriage
    She truly doesn't remember doing these things in a triggered state
    Or maybe she knows that this behavior was wrong, but is too ashamed to admit it to me, either for fear of legal repercussion, or because of unconscious denial

 Yeah, I don't know what's in her mind.

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Caco Canepa
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« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2019, 12:05:57 PM »

@Butane

You resonate right back at me. I guess I feel like I'm back to being six years old and re-learning how to relate with other people. I'm a little embarrassed by that, but no one ever died of embarrassment. I'm grateful for the help of friends, and they've reached out with tenderness, while maintaining their boundaries. It's good to be among people who exhibit healthy emotional behavior, even after having gone through their own traumas.

" the better use of friend time is to enjoy time together. "  <=== This resonates and is good to add to the mantras for functioning right now. THanks for this!

GaGrl:
"Do you think you can move to forgiveness without any acknowledgement on her part?"
That's a really good question. I'm going to need to. Over the past year, I thought that's where I was. And then the flood of emotions came back to me. So I know that I'm going to need another road map to get me there.

My ex, in an email last week, tried to paint me as deranged and told me she wanted to clear the air. That she had forgiven me and was hoping that I could "forgive and forget" and be friends again. I wrote back a very long fiery reply, and then saved it without sending. The next morning,
I scrapped that email and just simply reread her note and noted that she hoped I could forgive her. I wrote back simply:

"What is it that you hope to be forgiven for?"

I don't know if I'll get a response to this, or if it was the right response, but I feel that I found a possible opening in her words. From my view, I know that she took actions that hurt me and caused me great pain and damage and trauma. (Namecalling, intimidation, aggression, destroying/selling my belongings, humiliation, lack of agency, isolation from friends, and lying about my character, and ultimately lying to put me in jail). I don't know what she thinks about these things she did, because I've gotten mixed messages from her. Possible reasons not to apologize:

  • I deserved this treatment because I "ignored" her and didn't truly love or appreciate her
    I'm exaggerating the trauma to make her look bad while minimizing my own bad behavior
    I'm over-sensitive and was punishing her because of my failed first marriage
    She truly doesn't remember doing these things in a triggered state
    Or maybe she knows that this behavior was wrong, but is too ashamed to admit it to me, either for fear of legal repercussion, or because of unconscious denial

 Yeah, I don't know what's in her mind.

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Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2019, 07:08:45 PM »

Dear CC-

All of your feelings are valid...ALL of them, including the anger that’s coming through your pores.  It’s all part of the process.  The fact that you feel these things in no way diminishes your integrity, but how you channel that anger is important.

During my marriage I never breathed a word about the emotional abuse to a soul.  Secrets or was I unaware or just too beaten down?  I don’t know...
After my 19-year marriage ended when the man threw me across the room and into a door, a LOT followed.  None of it was good for me, and he didn’t skip a beat in living his life, while my life was upended (my fault, I was the world’s most pathetic  codependent).  And I was stunned by what happened.

As the police knocked at the door, he meekly apologized.  A few days after his arrest, he tried to say he did nothing wrong because the charges were dropped.  I pointed out that it was “I” who dropped the charges; and that yes, he still DID do something wrong.   

We had never spoken about the end of our marriage.  I had journaled to myself like crazy.  About 9 months after the divorce was final (and I had moved cross-country); and this is 2.5 years AFTER the violence... I called and left a message asking him to call me when he had 20 minutes to talk.  He called right back and said he had “5 minutes, say what you have to say”.  I asked him to call back when he had more time.  He said, “just send me a letter saying what you want to say”.  I agreed.

So CC, I thought about the emptiness of that ex-h, the pity of him, the lack of EVERYTHING... I wanted and needed nothing from him.  No apology would ever come and if it did, it would ring hollow if I had to ask for it. 

So I took my journal writings, my recorded pain so to speak, burned the pages and spread the ashes in the sea.  And I sent that empty man a blank piece of paper.
 
He doesn’t think he needs forgiveness, I understand that now.

I’m angry at me, no one else. That’s what it sometimes comes down to... we want more from our lovers, but we expect more, sometimes too much from ourselves.  So we’re angry at us.   Maybe that’s who we really need to forgive.  And every day, I try to forgive myself a little more.

Does this help?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2019, 06:15:42 AM »

Excerpt
But I get the sense that I'm overstepping my friends' boundaries. I'm feeling a lot of shame about that and realizing that I need to back off.

have you tried putting it in writing? perhaps creative writing?

a little later in my recovery, i had a lot of nagging anger and feelings of injustice. i found a lot of relief in it. i could say horrible things without any consequence, and not only did i feel better, but i found that tapping into my emotions that way connected me with them, reinforced them.

creative writing felt a lot like getting revenge, but again, without consequence. i could zing her, and also feel the reward you get from creating something.
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Caco Canepa
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« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2019, 09:31:55 AM »

OnceRemoved —

Funny you should mention that. After my first marriage, I managed to write a ton of pretty wry, sarcastic bluegrass songs, and it was a great outlet. I also wrote a super-cutting song about a subsequent breakup with a woman who may have been a BPD too.

I recorded it with a New Orleans style horn section, with me playing banjo. It was like a big, squacking jazz funeral, and the lyrics were how I imagined she felt about the breakup, repeating some of the things she said about me in the "painting black" stage. Writing and recording the song made me feel light and triumphant — and it was funny as all hell, actually!

I'm actually feeling better and light-hearted thinking about this song right now.

Pictures for A Living
Hey Guapo, so I'm trying to get pregnant
There's no good reason why I'm telling you all this
But here it's almost Christmas, and I just thought about you
And I wish that I could tell your mom and dad hello

My work pays really well, and at least it's not a law firm
But I have to fly to Paris every couple of months
In April I took Tom, and he dropped down to one knee
by the Petit Palais, cause that's the kind of guy he is

So I rented out my townhouse up on Capitol Hill
We live just across the river on the Orange Line

   So are you still drawing pictures for a living?
   Are you still running seven-minute miles?
   Are you still writing songs that no one's gonna hear?
   And Guapo, you still going out in style?

Sometimes I wonder about the words you're putting in my mouth
When you're singing all about me to some new brunette
And do you wonder about the nickname that I gave you when I rose up 
from the tangled bed of the next guy that I met

In the hot red desert, we lingered in the sacred place
And you told me that you'd move your world for me
And so you did, but then you let your love burn out
And it faded faster than a dying sea

I'm working on the garden that we always talked about
And i'm looking into getting some free range hens
(*chicken sounds from all the horns

   So you still drawing pictures for a living?
   Are you still running seven-minute miles?
   Are you still writing songs that no one's gonna hear?
   And Guapo, why did you not want me back?

You're forty, but your net worth is nowhere near a mil
So it's cat food for you, buster, and sorry it makes you sad
But you didn't want to man up, and perhaps you never will
And Preciosa does not want that kind of life

   How long can you keep drawing pictures for a living?
   How long can you keep running seven-minute miles?
   How long can you write songs that no one wants to hear?
   And Guapo, why did you not want me?
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Caco Canepa
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« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2019, 09:39:40 AM »

Thank you Gemsforeyes

That was really beautifully put, and gives me hope that I can process this, given its due time, and put it behind. I can't rush it.
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« Reply #13 on: June 11, 2019, 12:16:39 PM »

Dear CC-

Your song lyrics are incredible, absolutely incredible.  Writing and playing that song must have been truly cathartic.  I wish we had an area here to share our creative works.

Play it again, Sam!

You will know when you’re ready to begin releasing the anger.  I had time periods where I just screamed long strings of obscenities... words I NEVER use.  It was unplanned and great!  Then I’d collapse to the floor in tears.  Then watch a comedy.

You know, I read somewhere (wish I could remember where), that anger knows no timeframe, has no memory, or something to that effect.  I need to find that reading, it was pretty profound.

Just keep talking the anger through here and writing your thoughts out, in whatever form those written thoughts take.  It’s okay to be repetitive, and there’s no stopwatch timing you.  There are no rules to the process.  We get it.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
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« Reply #14 on: June 12, 2019, 11:34:02 PM »

very well, and cleverly written, Caco Canepa. i suspect you know exactly what i mean about how helpful it can be.

i can look back at aspects of my relationship fondly now, but after the breakup, i found myself saying things like "well at least ill get some good writing out of it" 

i hope the same for you.
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