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Author Topic: Should I stay or should I go?  (Read 119 times)
NorseWoman

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« on: June 12, 2019, 06:43:02 PM »

I think this question belongs in this section.

Does staying on this message board (after the r/s has ended and NC is in place and me not letting myself be charmed anymore) keep me thinking of my ex uBPD I do associate this board now with the ex and I want to stop thinking about the ex while I finish my healing. My therapist today agreed with my thinking on this. I think I should stay here for awhile yet until I learn more, so as to not go thru this again.
Any thoughts on this?
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2019, 07:27:02 PM »

I often wonder the exact same thing.
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« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2019, 11:27:02 PM »

ive been out of my relationship for 8 and a half years. i still come here. to help others. to keep learning.

like anything else, this board can help or hinder you; it all depends on how you use it. you can use the lessons on the Detaching board to give you a good framework for working through the stages of grief. you can ask the members smart questions about recovery and how to best detach. and when youre feeling stronger, you can come here to learn new skills, learn more about yourself, navigate the dating world, etc.

it was probably the most valuable aspect of my recovery. helping others, as i was going through intense pain, helped build my support system and connected me to something bigger than myself.

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« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2019, 11:38:16 PM »

Detaching is an interesting place to "live." I think you will always get a detaching perspective here, because people understand.
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« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2019, 08:48:56 AM »

NorseWoman   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

It's been 4 years+ since I stopped speaking to my ex.

Me too, I've maintained a practical relationship with my P through the time of my separation.

I think the boards will be useful for you as an adjunct on your recovery because:

I think I should stay here for awhile yet until I learn more, so as to not go thru this again.
Me too, this was one of my primary motivations for staying.
[...] in the hope to never find myself in that situation again
[...]
"As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly."
Even when I felt "safe" enough that I wouldn't date/pursue a BP-styled personality again, I kept checking in because I felt I was learning more, strength-to-strength.

E.g., I learned not only am I in charge of screening out BP's in my dating, but also being empowered to choose people who have those traits I want—a big part of that for us nons (I think), is not only knowing we have that choice, but feeling we have that choice too. A lot of us came from backgrounds where our feelings of entitlement were detached from our knowledge of what we're entitled to.

Here's two examples on answering the 'what comes next':
What to look for in a new partner
Unhealthy attractions


I hope you'll make a personally effective choice on this; and you're enjoying your peace.  
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Scarlet Phoenix
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« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2019, 08:56:57 AM »

Hi NorseWoman, that's a very personal choice, of course. And if you choose to step away, please know that you are always welcome back at any time. Even years from now.

I'm so glad you asked the question and not just stopped coming! Because that gives us the opportunity to share how we find this community helpful. I can only speak to my own experience, and hope that will give you some guidance. I was here for a while when I was in the relationship, then I stopped coming when the relationship and life in general got too hard. After our final break-up, I found myself wanting to come here again to find a community who understand, and because I knew from my previous time here that writing here was healing for me and helped me see clearer. Here's for example an workshop that has helped me: It's about dealing with ruminations. It has helped me not get stuck in bad memories from my past, such as many of the things that happened during my time with my ex.

What we do here is not really to focus on our exes, but put the spotlight on ourselves. And through that, I've learned so much. Both about myself, but also about human relationships. And that is what will help me to avoid this kind of a relationship in the future.

For me this is in addition to therapy and a space where I can explore further, observe my actions and behaviours and see how far I've come when I look back to old posts. That last part I find extremely helpful both for healing and for achieving a happy, healthy life.

It's understandable that you associate this board with your ex now. But it can become so much more and be the thing that propels you towards a good life.  
« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 09:04:03 AM by Scarlet Phoenix » Logged


~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
NorseWoman

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« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2019, 09:33:45 AM »

Thanks for all your thoughts on this.
I decided to stay around here, it feels comfortable knowing others have or are going thru the same and I still have much to learn. 
Yesterday I felt empowered.
Today I am feeling lost - missing what could have been and wondering if I shouldn't have said goodbye again.
I shall find my way again
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Scarlet Phoenix
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« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2019, 09:50:32 AM »

I'm glad to hear that you'll stick around.
Today is not an easy day for you. I understand how you feel. Some days I feel energised and planning and others I just miss my ex. 
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
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