I could have done this better

[MomSA]

Long story, but in the moment I forgot to VALIDATE first and ended with my husband climbing out the car and walking home and I will now get the cold shoulder for days...and things weren't great to start with.

All I really want is for him to admit he has BPD (he can see it in his daughter, but not himself), apologise for how hellish its been for me for 28 yrs and try to change his reactions by going to DBT classes.

But that's not likely to happen...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

  All I really want is for him to admit he has BPD (he can see it in his daughter, but not himself), apologise for how hellish its been for me for 28 yrs and try to change his reactions by going to DBT classes.

It's more important to NOT invalidate, than it is to validate.  You are fighting a losing battle to try and make him admit he has BPD.  Stop focusing on that label and do your best to focus on the individual issues.

Try working the DBT angle from a different perspective.  You could try using the excuse that you would like both of you to learn DBT skills to better deal with your daughter. DBT skills are good skills for anyone to learn.

There are multiple DBT book available.  A good place to get a free overview of DBT is at the following free DBT website:  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

Most people with strong DBT traits don't apologize for their actions.  He's not apt to apologize for 28 years of his actions.  There is a lot of shame involved in that. 

[MomSA]

Thank you for your response.

I know he won't apologise - I was just voicing a wish.

I am already doing DBT research and learning and I share with him what Ive learnt as he has refused to read anything I send him...will just keep plodding on.

[once removed]

It's more important to NOT invalidate, than it is to validate

this is an important point. people with bpd traits thrive in an overall validating, and loving environment.

validation matters in conflict - both parties want to feel heard and understood.

but think of it more in terms of a lifestyle than a means to keep your partner in check. when we do the latter, one of two things happens often:

1. it is received as talking down to them or condescending
2. we validate the invalid

Long story, but in the moment I forgot to VALIDATE first and ended with my husband climbing out the car and walking home and I will now get the cold shoulder for days...and things weren't great to start with.

what happened? we can walk you through it, think about how things can go next time.

[MomSA]

this is an important point. people with bpd traits thrive in an overall validating, and loving environment.

Thank you. This is important to remember, and I agree I can see it in my BDP daughter. However, I battle more with this with my husband. I think it may be the years and years of emotional abuse as well as the fact that he uses his anger to manipulate all of us. (I have 4 children). So somewhere in this I have gotten lost, and to be frank, I am deeply wounded from life with him. I am still committed to marriage, 28 years in and not giving up, but sometimes I just want to say "Go and get counselling, get your act together, there are TWO of is here. Why is it me that must always bend, change ad grow more?You need to do your share too!"

validation matters in conflict - both parties want to feel heard and understood.

He never lets me get past two words before he interrupts (impulse control?) and if I dare say he is wrong...then its like a dam wall breaks and he splits and I am demonised.

but think of it more in terms of a lifestyle than a means to keep your partner in check.

I do this...see it as a way to keep him in check...I see the difference.

what happened? we can walk you through it, think about how things can go next time.

If it wasn't this specific situation it would be another, but we had an appointment and he was late. He chose to make phone calls instead of get in the car. He moaned at me for being impatient and I told him I was not in error, he was late.

But it's anything I say, or try to correct really.