A sadness takes hold of me, is this me leaning towards acceptance?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all.

So the past week or so I have been thinking about current events. In particular my stupidity at allowing this woman back into my life after all the knowledge I have gained and it just feels like I have hit a brick wall. By that I mean that I understand now that I am powerless to change or help her, my god I want to but there is absolutely nothing to work with, this cycle will simply repeat itself unless I put a stop to it. When I have these thoughts a huge amount of sadness takes hold of me, it is very surreal, is this me leaning towards acceptance?
If not how did any of you know that you had begun to embrace acceptance?

Thanks

[Longterm]

Hi all.

So the past week or so I have been thinking about current events. In particular my stupidity at allowing this woman back into my life after all the knowledge I have gained and it just feels like I have hit a brick wall. By that I mean that I understand now that I am powerless to change or help her, my god I want to but there is absolutely nothing to work with, this cycle will simply repeat itself unless I put a stop to it. When I have these thoughts a huge amount of sadness takes hold of me, it is very surreal, is this me leaning towards acceptance?
If not how did any of you know that you had begun to embrace acceptance?

Thanks

[Mutt]

Hi Longterm,

I think that a lot of us can relate with going back because we had doubts about our exes being severely mentally ill or maybe some thought that they could do something to fix our exes. I think that the sadness is probably slowly coming to terms with letting of the fact that we can’t help them.

You can’t help someone that doesn’t want help or is not ready for help. Just like your coming to terms with the reality of your situation you had to come to to these terms on your own. There might of been family members or friends say that there’s something wrong with her but you have to go down your own path by yourself.

The future hasn’t been written you never know your ex may be ready at some point to help herself but she has to find her way there on her own. That being said don’t give yourself false hope by holding on to that hope that she’s going to change or become better. I think that a part of that sadness is letting go of that hope.

The positive side is that you have time for yourself to self reflect, rebuild yourself, learn about relationships and eventually find yourself in a new r/s with someone that’s healthier. It does take some work though.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi longterm,

I knew I had begun to embrace acceptance when I realized that I could envision a healthier future for myself that was not tied to whether or not my stbx ubpdh got help or not.

It is sad. Tragic, even. There are many people with PD's that may never get help, never improve their lives, never have good r/s with their children, or any r/s at all with their children. It's sad that they are living in such denial and causing themselves and others so much pain, and they don't have to do that, but they don't see that there is another option. They look everywhere else for the source of the problem, and so it will never be solved, and we see that and wish with all our hearts that we could get them to see that others have experienced success stories, and they could too, if they would only commit to the treatment they need.

But some do not. Mine did not. I lost nearly everything trying to get him to get help. He still hasn't, eighteen months after I left.

I held on to shreds of hope that I harbored deep inside the recesses of my heart where no one else could see them, because I was ashamed that I still hoped for a miracle, and I was anxious that I would let that hope pull me back in to a dangerous and abusive relationship (again). I pretended to be totally moving forward, but inside, I still obsessed over whether or not he would get help.

I moved towards acceptance when I could envision myself getting better (even if I didn't feel it yet) regardless of whether he did or didn't, and I knew that I could be okay in spite of the sadness. It took time and a good therapist to get there.

[Longterm]

Hi mutt.

From day 1 she said there was nothing wrong with her but i knew different. I never thought she would ever recognise it but to some degree she did when we first met up. Did she say this because she knew it was what i wanted to hear? Im still on the fence but the facts state she did not book therapy until she came back. Why did she not do it in the 18mts apart. Me knowing something was wrong i feel kept me hoping and then her recognition coupled with her suicide attempt made me believe change was here. I was wrong. I always believed i could fix her, to know i cannot is where the sadness is eminating from, it hurts. The emotion feels very deep and i would say its coming from my very inner core. I would go as far as saying i feel like something inside me has died, hope? I dont know, like i said, it feels very surreal and disconnecting.

You are correct, she has to take these steps herself, she has to want to change and make improvements. I think i symbolise stability for her, i think she craves it, but is also scared of it.

I dont think she will change. I just feel like she doesnt have it in her.

Yes, there are many positives for me to take and much to think about, i need to embrace the future i feel.

[Longterm]

Hi redeemed.

Your words are very soothing and honest.

It is tragic, theres no other word more apt. She could be so much more than this and it is heartbreaking stuff for everybody involved. My brother who committed suicide 2 months ago was a paranoid schizophrenic and he never got help and died alone with a string of broken relationships. We all gave up on him in the end because being in his life was a futile experience. I do not wish this on my ex but i understand that trying to help her is also becoming futile.

I too have tried to hide my emotions from those close to me so i can relate, it has become more difficult as time has gone on.

She has to take her own path, i need to take away the safety net and leave it in her hands.

[Sadly]

Hi Longterm
I think for me the sadness is the most difficult thing to deal with. I came to terms with my ex having BPD, once I even knew what it was, I came eventually to terms I couldn’t help him, I came to terms heartbreakingly that I, with my huge love was actually the trigger. That hurt so very much. Recently I saw two very old people holding hands as they walked together, something my parents used to do and I actually stopped still, found a seat and cried, because seeing that evidence of supportive love made me realise it was something we had never had, I was mourning a chimera, it hadn’t actually really existed at all, it was my dream, something I had believed in and worked for. Each of the realisations hurt, each like a slap in the face, each a step towards letting go. We can read, and listen but it’s when you yourself actually feel those things yourself that you move forward. But oh the sadness, I don’t know how to deal with that. I wish you luck on your journey.
Love from Sadly. X

[Longterm]

Hi sadly.

The sadness, its very lonely is it not? Me and the ex always held hands when out or she would hold my arm, i never really saw other couples do this and when she came back it was something that had stuck with her because she mentioned it. She always envisioned us growing old together, she talked about it many many times and would always say "thats going to be us xxxxxx when we are old" if we ever saw an old couple together. Typing that made me cry, that bought back a lot of memories.
 
The realisations do help and i see what you mean, i think its all about the brain processing bit by bit and it will take as long as it takes. I can see how a bpd can build up huge amounts of emotional pain as these break ups are not properly processed, just blacked out. I think this is what must of drove her into a deep depression and caused this latest behaviour, then 'click' she just switches it off again. Its a bizarre egoic defence mechanism thats for sure.

Thank you sadly, i wish you well too.

[Mutt]

The emotion feels very deep and i would say its coming from my very inner core. I would go as far as saying i feel like something inside me has died, hope? I dont know, like i said, it feels very surreal and disconnecting.

Im sorry that you’re in a lot of pain because of this. The way that I felt was I felt like I was drowning trashing frantically in water but knowing that this is it it’s the end.

It could like this though too maybe a connection to her in a romantic way is changing to something else. What I mean is you might accept her in a different light than how you perceive her before . Maybe your thoughts about her are changing. That’s not a bad thing but it is a hard thing to accept because what you had together is being let go

You are correct, she has to take these steps herself, she has to want to change and make improvements. I think i symbolise stability for her, i think she craves it, but is also scared of it.

Maybe my experience will help you maybe it will help another member of someone reading your thread. I don’t want to generalise but people that function in s dysfunctional way and Im using BPD for this example have a difficult time functioning and the people that are around them may not be aware that they continue this behaviour by enabling them.,

If change were to happen she would have to take a hard look st herself maybe she can’t continue because she’s run out people that have allowed her or helped contribute to function this way.

There’s a term goes like this Let go and Let god I want my exuBPDw to get help for herself not for my sake for the sake of the kids and the r/s’s that she has with people.

I let her go and handed it over to a higher power. It’s something that you might wasn’t to consider but the way that I look st it is if she has certain people that are her go to when she needs rescue, if I remove myself from this supper network then maybe if there is one less person she may find her rock bottom quicker than if I was with her and was her fixer and helper.

If she’s going to get help for herself it’s because she cannot continue functioning the way that she is currently so if you stayed in her life and were her fixer and helper do you think that it would prolong the process for her to help herself?

[Longterm]

Hi mutt.

Yes, i feel like it is changing into something else.

She has enablers all around her. I think her family really do not help. They are nice enought to me but i know im seen as a crackpot , ive even heard them call me Dr Phil. It is literally pissing in the wind. They tell her its her life and she can do what she wants but then everytime something is said or done she is slagged off behind her back. If im honest i think they get some enjoyment from seeing her constantly mess things up. I understand i have enabled too though and im not trying to deflect that, i have pretty much run her life for 20yrs because of her being unable to make adult decisions and very often hid her mental health from her family to protect her i guess. They are seeing it in full bloom now as i felt like i was sitting on top of pandoras box, but she pushed the lid off and i came tumbling down with it. I was part of the problem and if i stick around i will continue to be. This is why its very important that i do not allow myself to get sucked back in, because she will try. Whenever this happens i will post about it and hopefully you guys plus friends will get me over the hurdle.

I cant see her running out of enablers just yet, apparently the bf is going to help her with her problems but like myself, he wont have a clue. It really is down to her and me and the kids are powerless. I fear for them moving forward because she will just use them when she needs them, i have many examples i could share. This push/pull dynamic she has always had with the older 3 has and will continue to damage them. I have advised them to maybe take a time out and limit interactions with her right now when i really want to say have nothing to do with her until she has been in treatment a good while. Thinking of treatment, i dont think it will work for her. I dont know how many college courses and jobs she has had but it never works out. Its always like "im going to be a nurse and earn lots of money" then she drops out after a month, always not her fault. Im sure you can see what im trying to say, her tardiness too has always been terrible.

Me being around will prolong the process but i believe she may never hit her rock bottom. She is staring divorce in the face, she has terrible relationships with 3 of her kids, it will become 4. Her family is broken, she has no job, no home, a suicide attempt a few months ago. When does 1 look within? Shes more interested in being in "love". For a non its madness.

But you are right, only she can make these changes, her coming back may turn out to be a good thing overall because it has shown me that theres nothing i can do when i initially thought she could change by confirming the fact that something was wrong.

The sadness, rumination and processing will continue but ill be ok, ill concentrate on me and the kids.

[once removed]

how is it going?

[Longterm]

Nothing much has happened really. My youngest stayed the weekend, said he's not been around the rapist so I'm happy about that.

My son got a message off his mom Sunday asking him if he was ok and said love you xxx. Really creeped us all out considering she's not asked how he's been since she up and left. Could this be considered charming by proxy? She had little to do with my son once he moved to his nan's, she told him she would see him everyday but easily went a fortnight without. When she plotted her return in December the kids started getting those messages off her that become more intense, they found it very weird and were convinced she was up to something, turns out she was. Any who I didn't pry him, his communication with his mom is his business, he did say he never responded though. I asked why not and he just said "I don't know what to say to her, it's weird".

He has been having problems though. He is struggling to go to sleep and struggling to stay asleep. He said he keeps having nightmares about his mom returning then leaving again. He said he's struggling to concentrate too. That's trauma isn't It?

The daughter is going backwards. She has dumped her boyfriend telling him "go away, I'm going to hurt you". She has also been going to a guys place upstairs, doing more drugs when her intake was very minimal. I am worried she is going to self harm again. This behaviour sound familiar?

As for me? I dunno. I really dunno. I'm trying to talk to the kids but we are all very down. I feel anger inside of me with a voice screaming "where the f*k is your self respect? How could you let this happen?" I am incredibly pissed right now but sticking to my NC and divorce.

This woman is a joke and I want her out my life.

[Longterm]

charming by proxy*

[once removed]

Could this be considered charming by proxy?

charming is a bid to rekindle the relationship. i would take it at face value...she wanted to reach out to her son, the fact that she hasnt until now notwithstanding.

it sounds like the kids are really hurting...kids and you both.

we talked previously about getting everybody some help. anything new on that front?

[Longterm]

Maybe I'm being paranoid, my bs radar is on full alert. Plus I know she doesn't do anything without a reason, this has been proved time and time again.

Yes, I guess we are all hurting.

Nothing new on the therapy front no, me and the daughter still waiting and my son has a further appointment on Monday.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Longterm, I just wanted to show up and show support. It's not easy for you right now.

In your first post, you say that "when I have these thoughts a huge amount of sadness takes hold of me, it is very surreal, is this me leaning towards acceptance? If not how did any of you know that you had begun to embrace acceptance?"
Our paths are not the same, but I vividly remember when I started to accept that my ex had this disorder and things would not just magically be "normal". We were still together at that point, and I spent the whole night crying on the living room floor. I can't say if the sadness you feel is a step towards acceptance, but since you make the connection I would say it's likely.

If this does mean you're leaving towards acceptance of the cycle, how do you feel about that?

[Longterm]

I honestly do believe it is acceptance. How do I feel about that? Distraught.

I always believed she was Ill and I thought her acknowledging that would be the game changer. She even showed me the diagnostics for bpd and told me she has all 9 traits. I have never mentioned that I believed her to be bpd to anybody apart from you guys here. Not even close family/friends. I believe that part wasn't a lie, she does know something is wrong but is powerless to stop the cycles.

To come back and say the things she did to me and the kids got me thinking that there's no way on God's green earth she could possibly u turn. This has definitely showed me what I was so painfully trying to avoid but face it I must.

I have been looking back a lot lately about the 20yrs as a whole and it is clear to me I have been used, manipulated and abused the whole time. Not just me but the kids too, their rejection by their mother and my inability to protect them will haunt me until the day I die. This will all haunt me until the day I die and I fear that I will never get over this, i will never recover, I am changed and feel as though I can never trust another female.

All the signs are there that she is a cluster B and I have been trying to ignore It, trying to rationalize it when in reality it is fairly straight forward. I feel as though I have become cornered with no more excuses to give for her behaviour, there is no more rationalizing, only the truth of what she is.

She does not care for the damage she has done, she does not love me, she does not love our children, she does not love herself, she does not know what love is. She is an empty vessel, dead inside.

I struggle with knowing that someone can treat another human being in the most disgusting ways. That is MY humanity talking and that is why it is so difficult to come to terms with, because I feel too much but I would rather feel than be empty.

It is shocking to think the woman I married is not what I thought she was at all, it was all a facade, a game of survival on her part, me the willing unaware prey.

All thoughts I have lately are being quickly stopped by my brain. What if...she's bpd. How about...she's bpd. But can...she's a bpd. There is nothing she can say to convince me to have another go on the ride from hell

This must be acceptance knocking my door, and I have no issues with telling you all how much it hurts.