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Author Topic: thought I was healing  (Read 465 times)
NorseWoman

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« on: June 06, 2019, 06:17:15 PM »

I still occasionally think too much about my ex, I still lose some sleep and get depressed sometimes. 
I thought yesterday that maybe I should send a text - I didn't. I still have some hope that I will get a response from my ex, saying that there has been healing.
This recovery is taking too long. The breakup lasted 6 months long and now its been 3 months since contact.
I think I am doing what I need to do, its just still lingering around.
Maybe I need to do more, like delete all old emails, delete any pictures, toss out a couple of gifts, delete the rest of the texts and block the phone number. I think I have good reasons to not do all of this, I want to be left with the good memories. It wasn't all bad. I can in the future delete all when I am completely healed get rid of the remnants- just not yet.
Any suggestions?
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« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2019, 07:39:20 PM »

hi NorseWoman, and Welcome

i tend to save relationship mementos, myself. i was ruminating a lot after my breakup though, and having that stuff in my face all the time really wasnt any help! i packed it all away in boxes (or external hard drives for the digital stuff), out of sight, out of mind, and fortunately today i can look back on the good stuff for what it was and smile.

then again, my breakup wasnt very amicable. how did things end for you?
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NorseWoman

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« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2019, 08:02:11 PM »

I ended up thinking "What happened", how could I have let this go on and on - how could I have hurt myself so much- how could I have been so blind,,  frustrated, disappointed, sad.
Though its impossible to guess what another is thinking, I will guess and I think that the ex thought I was hopeless- that  I wouldn't change who I was to conform to what the ex wanted
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« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2019, 10:53:27 PM »

I will guess and I think that the ex thought I was hopeless- that  I wouldn't change who I was to conform to what the ex wanted

Tell us a little bit more about your ex? Was your ex controlling? When you say you wouldn’t conform, maybe your ex is the controlling type and couldn’t control you?
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« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2019, 06:55:48 AM »

Hello, fellow Norse Woman here 

It's hard to say whether you should throw things away, if it will do you more good. I have a tendency to throw too much away, and sometimes I regret it.
There's no right or wrong here, follow your heart.

Do you have some kind of support in your life, like a good friend or a therapist? It can help to talk things through. And we're here, of course!
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
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« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2019, 08:05:12 AM »

So this morning I boxed up anything my ex gave me. I can toss it in the future if I want to. I know there is still more I can do in this area.
I do talk to one good friend about all of this in detail, actually was told about BPD by her a year ago - I didn't listen then - wished I would have. I also go to Coda which helps immensely and was seeing a therapist last year. and now, I have this site to help me. I have a lot of reading here to do. So, with all this I wonder why I still have difficulty at times.  I am learning patience the painful way. I am tired of the pain.
My goal is to finish healing and to never ever get into a relationship with someone who is not good for me. I want to get to the point that I trust myself again so that I will not fear entering a new relationship. Right now, I tell myself that I will NOT get into another relationship. I have learned that love is not enough.


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Scarlet Phoenix
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« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2019, 09:01:23 AM »

It sounds like you already have many things in place, with Coda and the therapist you saw and your friend. It sounds like she has some experience with BPD?

Excerpt
I am learning patience the painful way. I am tired of the pain.
I get it   I think it's normal to have difficulties from time to time. Healing is not a straight line. Rather more zig-zags and loops.

Excerpt
My goal is to finish healing and to never ever get into a relationship with someone who is not good for me.
Great goal!

You'll find there are many resources on this page. The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships could maybe interest you. And there are the lessons on the top of the list of topics. There's lot to find and take from.

We're here.
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
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« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2019, 10:01:20 AM »

Excerpt
This recovery is taking too long. The breakup lasted 6 months long and now its been 3 months since contact.
I think I am doing what I need to do, its just still lingering around.

Hey NorseWoman, Everyone heals at his/her own pace.  I suggest you decline to put pressure on yourself about how long recovery might take.  As most here will attest, parting ways with a pwBPD can be extraordinarily difficult, so give yourself a break.

I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  Your head may think enough time has passed, but your body may know otherwise.

Boxing up those mementos sounds like a good idea.  I wouldn't rule out a healthy r/s in the future.  Now that you know about BPD, you know what to avoid!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2019, 10:42:05 AM »

Hang in there.  I'm not basing this on any science but I call 3 months after break-up the Re-lapse period.  It's after the initial relief and numbness of breaking up wears off then at 3 months is when the for-longing creeps in.  It's a difficult time but it will pass. 
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NorseWoman

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« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2019, 07:06:12 AM »

Thanks to all for the advice. especially the one on reading Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship. And thanks to all the other posts that I have read so far - I see myself in many of those posts.

I boxed up everything a few days ago that I had been given from my ex and today I will block my phone from receiving calls and texts from the ex. Today the relationship would have been 2 years long.  I miss the good times in the relationship...
I will try to be patient till the day when all the pain is gone.

When a good friend told me, about a year ago, that my partner was a BPD, I didn't listen, I didn't want to. (yes, she has experience and knowledge about BPD) I thought how can she diagnose someone, my partner didn't have all those characteristics. She was right. Today, I see that it is a spectrum.

Someone asked if my ex was controlling, my thoughts on this follow. I started the relationship fairly healthy and ready for it. I kept hearing : Why are you that way, why did you do that, maybe you should do this  etc. I stopped being myself and tried to be what was wanted of me. I lost my identity, I couldn't be me and keep the relationship, So, I stopped being me. In time, I wanted to be me again. As I moved towards being my true self that's when the relationship went downhill. I found me again and had to say goodbye to the now ex. I am happy and I am sad. I blamed my exBPD for me feeling that I couldn't be me. Now, I know that I had the choice all along to be me. 
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« Reply #10 on: June 09, 2019, 10:47:08 AM »

Hi Norsewoman,

Thank you for starting this thread. Keep your head up, you are not alone.

This month will be 4 months since my ex broke up with me. 4 months of NC. I share many of the same feelings you described in your first post. I'm feeling the struggle right now as well, when just last week I felt great. I thought I was making such progress and healing greatly. It seemed to come out of nowhere and I almost feel back to square one. Its discouraging to say the least.

Like you mentioned, it wasn't all bad. I'm going to try reminding myself of the bad instead of thinking about all the good times constantly. Maybe this approach will be helpful. My therapist recommended this as well.

Anyways, I just wanted to share with you that someone else out there is feeling it too. I'm sorry you are feeling this but I do hope you can find peace until these uncomfortable feelings pass. Good luck my friend. 
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Scarlet Phoenix
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« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2019, 05:18:41 AM »

Hi NorseWoman, I've been away from the board this weekend, and just wanted to check in with you. BPD is indeed a spectrum, a mix of behaviours where some are more pronounced than others.

Excerpt
Now, I know that I had the choice all along to be me.
That is very true. At the same time, it can seem impossible when we are in the midst of a relationship that with a pwBPD (person with BPD). Isn't it strange how we can be sad and happy at the same time that the relationship is over? For me, there were good days and happy moments, too, and I'm sad to lose those. And the dream or hope of what could have been, if only ...It is what is it. The only way forward is to sit with the feelings in the moment and also look forward to what will be.
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~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
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« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2019, 08:11:39 AM »

So, the NC ended. The ex sent me a text. I responded. A couple more texts occurred, then 1 email. This all occurred on what would have been 2 years since we met.
Now, I am wondering if I made a big mistake in responding back.
Here is where it stands. I was told that we should connect again in 2 months after we both see our therapists. I said "lets see where we are then". I committed to nothing, yet I don't think it was perceived that way. I left the phone unblocked even though I was going to block it. It wasn't because of this issue, it is because I gave my word 4 months ago to leave phone open for emergencies. I did restate this now and no more contact has occurred.
I am continuing on my path of healing, I view this as a bump in my road that knocked me down. I think it was an attempt for the ex to put ex back in my head because the ex might have thought my head was cleared.
Today, I see my therapist whom I haven't seen in 6 months. I also talked about all this to my friend with whom I discuss this issue of BPD.

As I am typing this I received an email from the ex, I will sign off for now to read and contemplate it.
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NorseWoman

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« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2019, 08:57:37 AM »

I am back after reading the ex's email. I responded, again.
Yes, I got hooked again - last Sunday and today because I responded.
Even though I responded, I committed to nothing except to tell my truth and I said that I hoped it would be heard. I feel I wasn't heard before, some of this was due to my not stating how I felt because I knew it would be dismissed anyway. I just wanted to be heard and I suppose that is why I might continue contact. Yet I know that a BPD only wants themselves to be heard and for the other to agree and say Yes, you are right
My ex uBPD wants to continue emailing until we connect again in Aug. I am undecided on this. I said I needed some time to think it over. I see my therapist this afternoon.


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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #14 on: June 12, 2019, 10:04:37 AM »

Excerpt
I just wanted to be heard and I suppose that is why I might continue contact.

Hey Norse Woman, To me, it's doubtful that you will ever be "heard" in the manner you envision, which is why I would discourage you from waiting/hoping for this to happen.

LJ
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« Reply #15 on: June 12, 2019, 02:16:22 PM »

Excerpt
My ex uBPD wants to continue emailing until we connect again in Aug. I am undecided on this. I said I needed some time to think it over. I see my therapist this afternoon.

hi NorseWoman,

if there is going to be ongoing contact, id encourage you to post on the Bettering board, work out a plan/approach, and get some feedback.

what do you think?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #16 on: June 12, 2019, 06:32:47 PM »

I agree, Once Removed.   Except I ended the contact a bit ago and am now back in NC and I mean it to last forever. I just got charmed for awhile. So, I will look if I need to start posting in a different board with a new question that I have. I am still learning how to get around in these boards.  Thanks.
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« Reply #17 on: June 15, 2019, 06:26:46 PM »

Norse Woman, I applaud you for your courage - and to the others for their wise words of encouragement. I believe NC is the only way to go, especially for those of us working through codependency.

My BPD relationship ended two years ago, and the six months we had and the end of it set me off on a spiritual journey that has continued and I am stronger every day its in the rear view mirror. I believe it is because I went NC and did not once respond to her texts or to any flying monkeys that came around trying to feel out my willingness to re-engage. I have not once looked her up on facebook or anything. Two weeks after our relationship ended, I boxed up everything she gave me and I burned it on camping trip. I did what I've never done before and hope to never do again: I cut this person out of my world because underneath the mask was a different person that ultimately wanted to abuse me.

All of these actions took willpower I didn't know I possessed. They also gave me the space to heal and to do the inner work that I needed to do. In my case, and in my opinion, I "invited" this person into my life to take a knife to old wounds that I needed to examine and heal from. As a result, I feel more whole and less codependent. In short, she made me stronger. So much so, that is has transformed all of my relationships as I can now speak my truth, and more importantly, I know when to set boundaries, and in some cases, cut the cord with potentially toxic people. At first, I felt this went against my "natural" inclination to be nice and to give people the benefit of the doubt. Now, people only get one chance with me.

Of course, I still suffer from trust issues, particularly when it comes to dating. But after having met a fabulous person who has clear boundaries and doesn't bring any drama into the relationship, I know that I am in a healthier place. Sure, I sometimes miss the crazy sex and euphoria, but I'll take healthy and "boring" over that any day of the week. Too high a price in my opinion. It was easier to find my way because this board and the wisdom on it, the books that I read, and the inner work I did through CoDA , etc. all helped me do the one thing I couldn't do before - easily spot a BPD or potentially toxic person from a mile away.

I'm not sure if others have experienced this, but it's almost like I can now smell it on a person and see in their mannerisms. It's the one thing I wish I knew how to do two and a half years ago - but it my heart of hearts I think I'm actually in a much better place now than before I met the BPD who cut me open - because she triggered the real me climb out of the shell I had created over a lifetime of codependency and walking on eggshells unnecessarily. That may be their one gift: cutting through to the core of us so we have the opportunity to rise up.

Again, I applaud your courage for going NC. In my opinion, this is the only way to go - because giving a BPD the benefit of the doubt simply doesn't make sense, because to me, the sum total of all the board postings and books and the data points we have from our experience seems to point to maintaining contact as simply leaving the door open to trapping us back inside the "fun house" or "labyrinth", or whatever else you want to call that place where north is no longer north and we question our own reality. I know it's hard, especially if you're dealing with someone with a lot of charisma and who makes you feel so good (believe me, I still have those fantasies!). But as my BPD once told me: when I'm looking at her, I am actually just seeing my reflection. That was the best compliment I got from her and at the time she said it I thought the opposite. You are a beautiful person - that's why this other person was attracted to you. But, sadly, the only offering is to try to suck that beauty out of you, and at best, provide a few morsels of temporary kindness in return. We all deserve better than that!

Peace to you on your journey.
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« Reply #18 on: June 15, 2019, 07:52:49 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
Dear NorseWoman,

Although my username is "confused by bpd," that is no longer true.  Unfortunately, the site prefers users not to change their usernames, so I am stuck with it.  You, however, chose a very powerful name, and the power is truly inside you to protect yourself and thrive apart from your ex-pwBDP boyfriend.

I am only about 8 weeks out of my relationship with my ex.  Here are the things I did to help recover from wanting him back in my life:

STEP #1
I PERMANENTLY DELETED all photos on my phone, so that I don't accidentally run across them.
I did not put the photos elsewhere - I wanted to ERASE the memories, even though, as in your case, there were many beautiful and endearing ones.  The problem is, I don't think he and I were in the same relationship.  We didn't have the same realities.  I have read that what frequently happens is that while the non-BPD is experiencing the relationship one way, the pwBPD is experiencing waves of rage, despair, splitting, etc. that you are not even aware of during the relationship (that's in addition to the moods you WERE aware of!).  In my case, my ex mirrored me a lot, and as the last person posted, I think he was just reflecting MY good traits back to me, so that the person I actually fell in love with was MYSELF!   

STEP #2
I threw away all cards/notes he had given me. 

STEP #3
I packed up all of his belongings (he had lived with me off and on), and I returned them to him.  He refused to see me, so I just left them on his front porch.  He did NOT return all of my belongings to me.  If I were to do it over again, I think I would not have troubled myself to take his things back to him (but we are "givers," aren't we?).  MY ADVICE IS, DON'T DO THIS!  If you were to do this when he is trying to reestablish contact, it would put you in grave danger of getting sucked back in.  If you have any of his belongings, put them in a box and put them deep into a closet, basement, garage, or attic where you will NOT stumble across them.

STEP #4
I started meeting with a therapist every two weeks.  This was a great move, and I am glad you are doing it, too!

STEP #5
I started talking to the people in my life who I was hiding this relationship from!  My mother, my friends, my brother.  They knew very little about the ups and downs, other than things always seemed chaotic.  I was too embarrassed to tell them much!    I decided to tell my story, and they offered support and advice on my STEERING CLEAR of him.

STEP #6
HE went NC.  HE blocked ME from Facebook, and the phone.  I was very hurt by this at first, but now I realize that it was my salvation.

STEP #7
I registered on a dating site!   Mainly so that I would have something to THINK about other than my missing him, etc.  It has helped me tremendously because I can now picture a brighter future.

Stay strong, my friend, and my advice is STAY AWAY.  It is the only way to heal, and there is nothing there for you but more hurt and anguish if you go back.

Sending love and hugs your way!    Keep us posted!   
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« Reply #19 on: June 15, 2019, 10:47:04 PM »

Norse woman and to the others,

I am also dealing with a breakup with BPD ex and having similar experiences and feelings although I am dealing with it a little different. It will be about 5 weeks now and one week since last contact. The last time I talked to him his words really messed with my head and I was hurting so much I decided to go NC also. It's definitely the only way I'm going to heal, and as was said, especially being codependent it's crucial to heal that part of me and resist contacting. It is hard for me because I get intense anxiety. I had my anxiety managed well to the point it was almost non existent until the break up triggered it again. 

Just today I panicked wondering what he was doing and freaking out. I rode the feeling and sat with it almost all day on and off until it drove me crazy but I wasn't going to contact him. I thought about unblocking him from fb, but ultimately didn't do it. I did go on there and looked at a picture of him that I had in my profile and the anxiety vanished. For some reason looking at pictures of him has helped me with the anxiety and hurt sometimes. It does not make me want to contact him or hurt more it eases the want and feelings. Maybe as time goes by those feelings will change and then I will get rid of things. Idk.

My way of healing has been meditation with solfeggio frequencies , self hypnosis, reading up on BPD, codependency, and anxious/ avoidant attachment relationships or watching videos on youtube. But at the same time trying not to get too wrapped up in anything to do with the relationship and distracting myself with staying busy on goals and spending time with people I love. I am going to see a counselor soon too.

To me this is all really sad because I feel so terrible for him that as an infant and in childhood he was neglected and this is the outcome in adulthood. He is a shell of a man and inside is a severely wounded child. He is what people call a "quiet BPDP" and he hid quite a lot so I didn't realize he had BPD right away. He is in denial of having it and blames all his problems on external things. He believes that his problems are because he's an empath and can't handle other people emotions and doesn't know which are his. After 7 years of being on and off with him I finally learned my part. I didn't realize the extent of the toxic dynamics of the relationship even though I knew it was bad I couldn't leave. I had to learn for myself how to get out of it. Over the relationship I worked on myself to the point that I finally valued myself enough to draw boundaries and that's when he left again and this time I know it's for good. Even if he comes back again I know without any treatment or help it will just go right back to what it was before and I am not going through that hell again. He wants to be friends eventually. I don't think I can do that after all this. It sucks, he really is such a nice guy and doesn't even realize whats happening to him.

This bit of advice has really meant a lot to me:

"Things that can be true at the same time: 1. Compassionately understanding the pain someone has experienced that has contributed to their behavior. 2. Holding that person accountable for their behavior, setting firm boundaries, and possibly detaching from the relationship."

Also, this is for you Norse Woman: "I found somebody I never want to lose again ...and that's me."

One more: "Love yourself well enough to make up for anyone who doesn't."

The pain's not gonna last forever, I hope you all find some peace. 
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« Reply #20 on: June 16, 2019, 07:06:17 AM »

 
Dear greencrystal,

Your post was a great addition to this thread.  I thought it was especially interesting that for you, looking at pictures of your ex has been a good thing by helping sooth the anxiety and hurt you are feeling.  I'm glad you mentioned that since it was the opposite for me, so that just means that each of us will have a different reaction to having reminders of our ex, and we each should do what works best for us.  Thank you for making that point!

I definitely related to your feeling sorry for the wounded child inside our ex pwBPD.  My ex also was a quiet BPD (although as things started to deteriorate in our relationship, he became more "acting out.").  I like the quotes you end your post with because it's important for all of us to remember that we can still have compassion (and even love) for a person with BPD, even when we have to leave an unhealthy relationship to save OURSELVES from future anguish and harm.  hugs to all, 
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« Reply #21 on: June 16, 2019, 08:12:15 AM »

Thank you confusedbybpd, I do still love him and he is a good person underneath the BPD. I think that's what makes it hard for me. There were a lot of times when he knew how he was behaving wasn't right and that he had hurt me and he did not want to keep hurting me but didn't know what to do about it. At the same time he wouldn't go get help. Sometimes we made progress and would be able to talk about things sometime after they occurred and he would apologize. But then he would get to the point where he would have an episode of just not caring at all and I always wondered when is it going to end, and it's only a matter of time till it happens again.

I think it does help us all to remember even though you love this person so much, the abuse or dysfunctional part of the relationship can't continue if they're not dedicated to recovering and you have to leave.

I guess I may have strayed from the topic a little because I wanted to address what Nordic woman said in her first post. I think about my ex way too much also sometimes and end up crying a lot. Every morning I wake up thinking about him. Actually I think about him every day a lot. I have to either distract myself or text some of my friends. I don't know if anyone has any other suggestions specifically on how to stop the ruminating or excessive thoughts because I struggle with it too. Maybe going to counseling will help with that. This morning I thought about unblocking him from fb again just to see anything and I texted my friends to please convince me not to do it. I haven't heard back from them yet so I came here. I know healing is not a static process and there will be ups and downs, but I hope it gets better as time goes on for us all.
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NorseWoman

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 41


« Reply #22 on: June 16, 2019, 11:36:18 AM »

Yes, still healing here after breaking NC once lately. It is easier this time.
Thanks to rising, confused and green.
I loved "I found somebody I never want to lose again... and that's me"
I will not settle for less than I deserve.
N.W.
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confusedbybdp
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 75



« Reply #23 on: June 16, 2019, 09:38:35 PM »

 

Dear NorseWoman, Greencrystal, and others who are participating in this thread.  Let's celebrate ourselves for a moment!  We are survivors (or are becoming survivors), even as we struggle.   Each day we are striving to rebuild our lives free of the chaos that is BPD, and the pain we have experienced.  I agree our path may be up one day and down the next, or even up one hour and down the next, but every day that we do not accept unhealthy (and abusive) behavior is a win.  Yesterday, I was stronger.  Today, less so...meaning, I spent too much time looking him up on google!   I admit it, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  Tomorrow is another day!  And if we keep stringing these days together, they will inevitably lead us out of the chaos we have known and into a healthier and happier place.   
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totheflow

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 36


« Reply #24 on: June 19, 2019, 01:30:21 PM »

Hi NorseWoman,  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

How are you doing? How are you feeling?

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NorseWoman

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 41


« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2019, 07:16:38 AM »

current status: Trying to establish a friendship only with the ex uBDP, so I need to move to a different board. Who knows I may be back on this board in the future as what I am attempting may be impossible.
Thanks for all the comments
N.W.
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totheflow

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 36


« Reply #26 on: June 21, 2019, 01:41:41 PM »

Gotcha. Hope things work out for you ! 
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