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Author Topic: telling an uBPD x they have BPD  (Read 696 times)
NorseWoman

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« on: June 15, 2019, 01:46:47 PM »

I am debating if I should tell my undiagnosed BPD ex that I think they have BPD.
I am thinking that if one doesn't know what they may have then they can't begin to try and recover from it.  I have read that few recover  but it is possible.
I have NC again now but would break it to send an email. 

If I send an email I think it would be best if I didn't use the term BPD but just describe the symptoms telling how they affected me in the r/s. I would also suggest to my ex that they bring this up with their therapist
I want to plant a seed from which recovery could occur.
I am prepared for any reaction or no response.

Any thoughts on this will be appreciated

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gotbushels
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« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2019, 09:00:36 PM »

NorseWoman   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Good question.

This helped me a lot in situations like this, and I'm happy to share it with you.

"There is nothing wrong with wanting to change the person with BPD in your life. You may be right: he might be a lot happier and your relationship might improve if he sought help for BPD. But in order for you to get off the emotional roller coaster, you will have to give up the fantasy that you can or should change someone else. When you let go of this belief, you will be able to claim the power that is truly yours: the power to change yourself."

Source.
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« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2019, 06:27:56 AM »

Excerpt
I want to plant a seed from which recovery could occur.

i can appreciate that, NorseWoman. i had the same desire with my ex.

Excerpt
I have NC again now but would break it to send an email. 

context here is very important. the two of you are not on good terms, and you are an ex romantic partner.

think how you might receive such an email if the shoe were on the other foot. likely, it would feel like your ex was reengaging with blame and rehashing the old relationship fights; you both likely view those things differently.

do you think this approach would plant a seed of recovery for him, or bitterness between the two of you?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
NorseWoman

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« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2019, 11:43:48 AM »

I absolutely Know that I cannot change another person.
I just wanted to plant a thought.
I have not sent that seed and decided Not to.
It was a seed that would have not taken root I think..
Thanks so much Gotbushels and OnceRemoved
One day at a time here.
N.W.
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gotbushels
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« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2019, 09:10:35 PM »

Way to go NorseWoman. Nothing wrong with a thought.

You seem to be on it—we're here to support you as you keep on going. You can do it.   
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2019, 08:49:45 AM »

Hi Norsewoman,

I can only share my own experience.  I remember when I finally decided our marriage was over.  I had a period of about 6 weeks where she was off trying to prove how great she was to someone else.  I got a chance to really think things through and came to accept that nothing was ever going to change unless she did. 

When she returned, I gave her an ultimatum.  I told her very calmly that I truly believe she is either BPD or NPD and that I know that nothing is going to change in our marriage until and unless she gets help.  I told her that if she is unwilling to get help I would want a divorce.

Her response... she asked me what those things meant.  I showed her some articles and descriptions.  She got angry.  She laughed.  She shared it with "friends" (supply) who worked in "mental health".  She distorted it and told people I think she has multiple-personality disorder.  She mocked me and did whatever she could to ridicule me to all of her followers.  And then the next morning she said she was going to breakfast with a friend but instead she filed for divorce behind my back.

Fast-forward to after we are divorced and I started dating someone else.  She suddenly starts crying to me about how she wants to try again and she knows there's something wrong with her and will go to therapy to work on it.  She never admitted about BPD/NPD, but she agreed to go to counseling.  I reluctantly went with her to her first appointment.  Long story short, she sucked me back in through her gushing affection (and sex) until almost literally the very day she moved back into my house.  Then the switch flipped right back.  Within a month she was cheating on me again, and I heard from some mutual friends that she was bragging to them about how she was going to drag this out as long as possible so that she can go back to school and have me pay for it.

To this day, she thinks she's become an expert on BPD and NPD, or at least NPD.  She has made lengthy Facebook posts and shared videos about how I am NPD (and her latest ex, too, of course), about how I'm abusive and she was a victim for all of these years.

Obviously, your situation is different.  But in my experience, my well-intended act of trying to suggest she has this problem so that she can get help didn't go very well.  It was weaponized against me.  It was also used to manipulate me in order to regain control and to use me.
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PeteWitsend
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« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2019, 07:38:01 AM »

Wow, OutOfEgypt.  Just wow.

When people first advised me they thought my XW was BPD,
or on the spectrum, they also said not to mention it to them.  I wondered why, and they said, without a lot of specifics, "it won't help at all" and "they won't respond how you expect them to"

Your story is spot on as to "why." 

that part about her twisting it into you accusing her of being MPD really got me.  I think it shows the gulf in understanding between people in these types of relationships... one party is looking to resolve disputes and maintain calm, the other party wants nothing but chaos and extreme emotional reactions.
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Longterm
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« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2019, 08:24:04 AM »

Outofegypt.

I can relate to a lot of what you say. When my ex came back she was telling me she believed there was something wrong, she had counselling booked and was 100% committed to repairing relationships with me and the kids. A few days before she too went off to prove how great she was to somebody else she jumped online on my tablet and showed me the diagnostics for BPD, she said she has all 9 traits. I knew she definitely had 7 but I could not confirm 2. She said she had previously done an online test and the results stated there was an extreme likelihood she is a sufferer and to seek medical attention.

The thing is, she had not booked counselling in the 18mths apart? She was also very worried what people might think of her. When she left for her "soulmate" A few days later I was instantly painted black and labelled "Dr Phil". This is why I never told anybody because I knew it would be used against me. I am a crackpot who needs to chill and just "get over it".
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
gotbushels
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« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2019, 01:20:55 AM »

OutOfEgypt, PeteWitsend, Longterm   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Thanks for sharing your valuable input. Being away from people with strong BP traits for a few years, it's easy to forget the dangers of stepping back in.

While we wait for NorseWoman's response, will you please share something we can all do to housekeep ourselves to have people we truly want in our lives as our intimate partners? I'm interested in all your thoughts.

Have a pleasant weekend.
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Longterm
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« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2019, 03:48:58 AM »

Hi gotbushels.

I'm unsure of what you mean. Are you asking what we can do to protect ourselves?

If so, imo it has to be strict NC. That's what worked for me.

The first 3-4mths was a joke. She asked for friendship many times and made contact mostly because she wanted something or tried to get a reaction out of me. I eventually had enough and initiated NC. I sorted child maintenance out with the CSA and arranged with the kids my access. It worked very well and that was the point where I started to feel better. I had already moved to a new town so very rarely do I see anybody from my "former" life. I only go to my hometown if I really have to, this is normally if I have to go to my son's school but I always make sure my ex will not be present. I have PR over my kids so this is easily arranged.

I DID NOT BEGIN TO HEAL UNTIL I WENT NC.

Also remind yourself of past history. My ex coming back taught me a huge amount, I am greatfull of this and this is an example of me taking the positives. I did CBT (work accident) many years ago and this I what I learnt there.

ALWAYS TAKE THE POSITIVES.

I now know that she is capable of anything, even risk suicide to manipulate me.
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It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
NorseWoman

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« Reply #10 on: June 23, 2019, 01:39:40 PM »

ok GotBushels.
My response: Not going to tell the ex. I believe all advice was spot on. The thing is I am now in contact with the ex, future is TBD. Not sure if this is the right decision for me, I will see. So now I need to post on another board.
N.W.
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