She’s leaving. Again.

[GoodMan]

My upwBPD SO is leaving.

I tried everything. Changing myself, couples therapy that she gave up, therapy for myself, books on BPD, doing every single thing she needed to be comfortable in our relationship.

And she would run and I would beg her back only to run again.

This time I didn’t beg her back, I calmly said ok. Do what you need to.

Is this the right thing?

I will be devastated when she leaves. She will take my step daughter. I will be alone in a house I bought for them.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think.

Ive read all the books and talked about it with my therapist and I know what I will be dealing with if I continue to force this relationship to stay together.

Am I doing the right thing?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear GoodMan-

I am so very sorry for the pain you’re feeling.  I believe you know the answer to your question “am I doing the right thing?”  You’re almost to the place where there’s nothing for you to do.

I have read everything you’ve posted.  I believe you are doing the right thing.  In a sense, you are setting yourself free.

There comes a time when we simply HAVE to agree that our SOs have to do what they have to do...  it doesn’t work to “talk someone into” loving us.  Or begging them to be kind to us.  Or trying to open their eyes to the fact that their repeated threats to leave and constant baseless accusations have eroded our trust in THEM. 

You see, she doesn’t have YOUR back.  We have to stop fighting what they’re feeling - especially if they’re doing absolutely nothing to heal or cure themselves.  You cannot love someone to wellness.

It appears to me that during the course of this relationship you have taken all the steps you could to be truly self-reflective and to make very positive and lasting changes in yourself.  You’ve learned to value yourself, and others; you’ve learned communication tools, you’ve learned the need for honesty and gentleness.  These changes will stay with you as you move forward in your life, whether with her or with someone else.  You’ll be a much better partner.  A MUCH better man.  You pretty much said yourself, you needed to make these changes in yourself.  You’ve learned to open your heart, and that’s a good thing.

Often relationships with pwBPD force nons to take a good hard look at ourselves. 

I believe the bottom line is that relationships with pwBPD can only last (in any meaningful way) if our partners begin to respond to the changes in us and decide to actively work on themselves.  We’re not meant to live our lives as someone’s martyr.

My thought is that in relationships there’s a difference between “taking” and “receiving”.  A selfish “partner” takes, or rather demands what they can-and thinks little of returning anything to their partner.  A loving partner receives your love and generously tries to give back to you.  I’ll say it again, we cannot love someone to wellness.

Finally, I’m sorry about your stepdaughter.  I truly relate to that one.  I had three step kids, two of whom I was very close with.  In the end, i “lost” them in my divorce; and truth be told, I mourned that loss more than my ex-h.  I had 19 years with them... it’s just something that happens to stepparents.  A sad reality.

Please keep taking care of yourself.  You ARE a GoodMan.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[GoodMan]

Thank you.

I’m a strong person. But I’m not built for this.

This loss will be devastating.

[GoodMan]

She’s started packing.

My kids play room is packed up.

I don’t know what to do.

How do I survive this?

[once removed]

do you know where shes going?

[GoodMan]

She will be local. I assume. The kiddos dad is local and she loves the school district m. It’s one of the reasons we moved here.

[GoodMan]

Hi Gemsforeyes.

I just wanted to thank you for your kind words.

I couldn’t see how much I’ve done because it was never enough.

Listing them out on this website and having someone review all of it was amazing.

 I just hope I did enough.

My brain wants to ask why I’m never enough all the time. Why is my love not enough? Why do my needs become so wrong for others and why must I accept their needs?

I must try and morn the loss of the future we had created without loosing the ability to truly open up my heart to another. The automatic response is to close down again.

I have never allowed someone in so deep because this is the outcome.

Not really sure what to do next.

Thank you so much for your kindness.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear GoodMan-

As much as we want answers to the questions, like why we weren’t “good enough”, “why do our needs not matter” ... when we’re in relationships with disordered people, there is an emptiness in them.  It’s sad, but they cannot see past their own needs or emotions.  Pretty much ever.  So there’s generally no validation of their partners; and when their kids become a bit older and develop a separate identity, any true care for them usually flies out the window as well.

Yes my friend, mourn the loss.  There is a section on our site about the grieving process.  Allow yourself the time to move through that.  Have the patience and care for yourself that you’ve shown to your BPDgf and others.  I know that’s hard to do.

And for a time, just breathe... keep your head where your heels are.  You don’t need to DO anything, except engage in self-care.  That you MUST do.  After all of this, you likely must learn to do that.  Can we help with that?  It’s part of your healing...

You WILL move through this pain.  Please keep posting.  Say whatever you need to say.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes
 

[once removed]

Not really sure what to do next.

do you want to save the marriage?

[GoodMan]

We’re not married but without a doubt in my mind I love her.

[once removed]

when people make these sorts of moves, sometimes they do it to send a message. sometimes they do it impulsively.

it will have to play out, as to whether or not shes serious.

is there any update? have you heard from her?

[GoodMan]

I believe she’s serious.

I believe she feels trapped and unsafe.

What your saying is I should do nothing. Just survive it and be here until the next thing happen?

[once removed]

What your saying is I should do nothing. Just survive it and be here until the next thing happen?

not exactly.

you should certainly give space for now, and allow her to reach out, if she chooses to.

you should also prepare, both in the event that she wants to talk, and in the event that she wants to reconcile.

[GoodMan]

How do I prepare for that?

If she doesn’t leave we will still be in the same place.  she needs help.

We can’t make it work unless she’s working on herself.

Her grandmother died and this was “ the only person in the world besides herself she can trust” in her words.

I’m giving her the needed space because that is what we agreed to and I think that is what she needs but also because I can’t watch her pack up the kiddo and go. 

I can’t watch  my family disappear. My BP is insane and I’m on double the Zoloft because I don’t want my depression taking over this time.

How do I prepare?

[once removed]

How do I prepare?

develop a radically different relationship plan.

[GoodMan]

Can you give me an example of resource for info on how to do this?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear GoodMan-

Here’s what worked in my case.  At least so far.  For the period that was necessary, I let him go.  I could no longer live my life being so sad and afraid.  I got myself to a therapist and worked through my old painful past.  I really dealt with the traumatic stuff, and tried and failed on a few anti-depressants.  I continued reading here, responding to posters when it felt right, and periodically journal to myself.  I have one really close friend, but a lot of this stuff belongs between me and me.

I would exchange periodic friendly texts with BPDbf.  And now, finally he understands more about me.  He listens when I speak because I am no longer silenced by him.  I’m no longer afraid of him or his rage.  He is now very clear that his rage has nothing to do with me and he is specific.  

Our trust is on an upward motion.  I sparked the “change” in me, which sparked a change in BPDbf and “us”.  He now really gets that I love him, his goodness and his bad “behavior”, which he is trying to work through.  He’ll begin therapy again in the fall.

I don’t know whether we’ll last forever as a couple but we share a solid love.  I’m pretty sure now we’ll somehow be in each other’s lives (he has said he wants me in his life forever on several occasions).  We’re both 61, have known one another for almost 7 years and still have sparkling chemistry.  We are close, laugh a lot and are really at ease most of the time now.  It’s not all smooth sailing... he knows he still needs help, but he also knows what has led to his feelings and anger.  He WANTS to feel better inside.

Bottom line is it had gotten so bad I needed him gone so I could get better.  That time apart made me, him and us better.  I use the communication tools daily when speaking with him.  That makes a world of difference.  And he has learned from how I speak to him, and has begun to validate ME.

I will also say... if he had NOT responded in such a positive way to me when we reunited, I would not have stayed.  I have changed and his prior behavior would be unacceptable now.  I won’t put up with it.  The changes in me are very good.

This wasn’t a “plan” per se, but I realized I needed help.  And it helped us both.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[DC Dad]

GoodMan

There's nothing good about what you're going through.  And I agree with everyone that you will emerge from all of this stronger and an even better GoodMan than you are right now.

I'm so sorry about the step-daughter.  I think that is something you will survive - you have to - but there's no "you'll be better for it" on that front.  That is horrible.  I'm sorry.

My W broke up with me early in our relationship and it was incredibly painful.  It was the first and only time in my life that I contemplated suicide.  The she came back.  Hooray.  Today we are two years married, and she had developed deep attachments to my two kids from a previous marriage.  And living with her is like living with a bomb that might go off if I say the wrong thing or have the wrong facial expression.  (See my post on Now I Have Anger Issues).  I'm in hell.  There are days where I wish she had never come back.  Leaving her is so logistically and financially complicated that it's just not a realistic option.  So what's the expression "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

The reality as I see it is that if your person wouldn't see a couples counselor with you, the relationship didn't have a chance.  And step-daughter aside, it might be for the best.

But don't think I don't understand the very dark place you are in right now.  You're not going to feel better today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon.  But all you can do is put one foot in front of the other while you heal.  You will be ok.  We can't know when - but it is imperative in my my opinion that you remember that you will not always feels the way you do today.

I hope you keep writing and let us know how you're doing.  Hang in there GoodMann.

DC Dad

[GoodMan]

Th an you JemsForEyes and DC Dad.

I appreciate  all your advice and will mull it all over.

Jems...I think my plane is to continue to focus on me and my healing. I need to be purposely solo for awhile. My depression needs to be worked on. I always respond with kindness to my pwBPD so that will continue. I love my stepdaughter and will try to stay in her life as much as possible.

DC... thank you for your warning. I’m sorry your still going though it.

OnceRemoved... I’d like your opinion and examples. You seem to have a good grip on it.

Thank you all

[I Am Redeemed]

This thread has reached the posting limit and is now locked. Part 2 is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338233.msg13062716#msg13062716