Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:14:48 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Mother with BPD is apparently dying  (Read 661 times)
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« on: June 28, 2019, 01:47:27 PM »

I have heard from my brother this morning. Mom has been hospitalized and apparently she will unlikely make it this time. She is having trouble breathing and seems to be on her last legs. I personally believe she could die at any moment. I have so many mixed feelings. Christmas 2017 I was permanently kicked out of staying at my mother's house by my older brother who is her caretaker and with my sister supporting him, even though I really had not done anything to merit being treated in this way. This is similar to what happened several years ago when my siblings tried to get me to stop coming from across the country to visit my dying younger brother who was living at mom's house because I was supposedly such a problem. I like my aunts and uncle from both sides of the house are chosen scapegoats and though basically decent people will always be dumped on in times of crisis. An example: When my younger brother was dying of cancer, none of his clothes fit him because of all the weight he had lost. I asked him if he would like some new clothes and he said yes. My sister and I went shopping together to buy him some clothes. My younger brother was pleased with the clothes and thanked me for them. My older brother yelled at me for buying a couple of pairs of pants that were too small, and said I was trying to put my younger brother on a diet to lose weight. Shortly after that, my sister communicated to me that she and my older brother did not want me to come any more to visit.
Since November 2017, my brother has made it clear to me he does not want me to visit mom. Summer 2018, I flew across the country to visit mom and made no attempt to stay at mom's house. My brother called me up yelling, and made it clear he did not want me to come see her. I did anyway, and poor mom was living in a overheated house on a hot humid day with all the windows open in her bedroom. My brother is terrified she is going to die from getting too cold.
For Christmas 2017 and 2018, I made no attempt to come once realizing I was not wanted by my siblings though mom was begging me to come. I have always decorated the house for Christmas and mom was complaining she had no decorations and no Christmas tree in 2017. Mom's paid caretakers offered to put up decorations for her and my brother would not allow it. For Christmas 2018, I mailed my mother a simple Christmas tree music box, and asked my brother to give it to her ahead of time. He did not allow her to have it until Christmas Day and mom complained to me that it was the only Christmas decoration she had. Mom has so many beautiful Christmas decorations and tree ornaments, and mom has told me on many past Christmas how much she enjoyed the decorations. It is one of the few things she has been able to enjoy with her health failing.
Since Christmas 2017, my brother has not informed me when mom was in the hospital, which she has been several times including up to one month on a recent stay. I finally told him last week, I wanted to know when she has been hospitalized, and he did call me today.
I am feeling sad, knowing that there is only more pain and sorrow coming down the pike along with some much needed relief. My brother was also a scapegoat. I feel by becoming mom's caretaker, he hoped to replace my deceased brother as the favorite child. My brother has formed an alliance with my sister, who was/is my dad's and his side of the family's favorite child. I think he now feels that he is one of the good ones and he demonizes me as a way to feel better about himself. I believe that my sister participates in treating me badly as part of this dynamic. She get furious if anybody likes me or says anything positive about me, despite being the successful one on paper: great career, children, wonderful codependent husband who does everything to please her, and wealthy. I am none of those things, yet she is upset when others like me and/or pay attention to me.
The coming days, months, and years are going to be difficult. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2019, 01:57:19 PM by zachira » Logged

Kwamina
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3535



« Reply #1 on: June 30, 2019, 07:08:48 AM »

Hi zachira

How are things now? Is there any more news about your mom's condition?

The family dynamics you describe are difficult indeed. I think it's wise to distance yourself from the drama and not engage in the web of Karpman Triangles.

You also mention your aunts and uncles from both sides who are also being scapegoated. What kind of contact do you have with your aunts and uncles?

The Board Parrot
Logged

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
madeline7
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 343


« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2019, 09:25:37 AM »

Sending you hugs and support. It seems too often that so many in a given family are affected by 1or 2 unstable family members. Stay strong 
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2019, 11:08:22 AM »

Thank you Madeleine7 and Kwamina for your support and understanding.
Madeleine7,
You have very difficult circumstances with your elderly mom with BPD and family members' different reactions and responses to these difficult circumstances. I feel you understand how hard and painful it is for me to deal with my mother and family members, and you comfort me with your understanding and caring.
Kwamina,
In response to your questions: The aunts and uncle that were scapegoats are all dead, two of them for several years, and my last aunt died a few months ago. The scapegoating continues with me and the chosen scapegoats in other families in the younger generations which means I get scapegoated by other relatives not just my siblings. I am trying to prepare myself for how difficult it is going to be with my siblings with BPD once mom is gone, and am thinking I will have to involve myself as little as possible in the funeral and settling of the estate, because I will be blamed for everything that causes stress. My challenge is to not feel like a victim or lower myself to the level of my siblings by being angry and nasty. Mom is doing a bit better though she is now considered terminal by the doctor and will be getting hospice care once she goes home. My brother is making it clear he is in charge and does not want me involved. I am calling my mother daily. She is at the end of her life. I think she will die very soon. I can call her daily and thank her for all the good things she did. Mom was very generous with her children. The problem is how abusive she still is, and unable to see her children as separate people from her. I feel that I am well enough now that I can call her daily without being overwhelmed, which will help me to feel better about not going to see her or contact her much in the last couple of years, because of how I have been denied access to her by my brother, who is going to turn this all in to how I am selfish and did not care about mom.

Logged

Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2019, 04:26:46 PM »

How are you doing Zachira?
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2019, 05:56:19 PM »

Thank you Harri for reaching out! I am actually proud of how well I am doing. There is of course always going to be the lingering sadness about all the abuse mom inflicted on her children, both now and after she dies. I know you understand this, having been raised by a mother that abused you. At the same time, I feel sad for my mother who wants to be loved by her children and did a lot of generous things for us. She wants me to come see her and I can't. My brother really raised hell last summer when he heard I was in the state and I got my sister to accompany me to visit mom the two times I went. As I have said many times before, I really haven't done anything to merit this treatment. I am the dumping grounds for all the uncomfortable feelings of my mother and siblings with BPD, like so many other family scapegoats for over 100 years.  I am not exaggerating when I say this as I know the family history way back on both sides of the family. I know that I need to lay low, call mom from time to time, and let my siblings run the show. If I get involved in any major way with mom dying or in the settling of the estate, I will be accused of all kinds of things by my siblings. I am naturally dreading her dying because of the sadness about our relationship and how my siblings are going to behave, yet at the same time pretty much feel at peace. I thank you, and so many others on this site who have listened and supported me on my journey. I seem to have had enough therapy, and have enough outside support that I don't get rattled for long by what goes on or sink into weeks of deep dark depression like I used to. I certainly don't feel any guilt or shame about the way I am handling things, which was a major challenge for me most of my life. I will be fine, though posting from time to time. I expect mom to pass on very soon, as she has hospice care, is on oxygen, and is very elderly. Harri, How are you doing?
Logged

Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #6 on: July 02, 2019, 07:52:40 PM »

You do sound like you are dealing with this in a good way.  It is a tough place to be and you are managing very well.  I know you have worked hard to get to this point to.  It sounds like staying away is the best thing for you and you have made peace with that as well.

I pray for your mom that her passing is peaceful.  I pray for that for you as well and also your siblings.  As difficult and as cruel as they are, I imagine they do not have the peace within them to be able to handle this well.   So much pain and damage and not any of it was necessary. 

Excerpt
I seem to have had enough therapy, and have enough outside support that I don't get rattled for long by what goes on or sink into weeks of deep dark depression like I used to. I certainly don't feel any guilt or shame about the way I am handling things, which was a major challenge for me most of my life. I will be fine, though posting from time to time.
All of this sounds good and I am happy for you and the work you have done.  I am also glad that you will keep posting.  It is important as is having your voice here.

I am doing well thank you for asking zachira, especially at this tough time for you.  I'm letting go of some things, holding onto what is important and makes sense to me and willing to take what comes... just hoping I can do it all with grace and dignity.  ;)   
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #7 on: July 02, 2019, 09:08:23 PM »

Your brother is being a controlling  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and his auto-dictatorial Golden Child status is no excuse.  Does he have legal authority to forbid you access? This is a good, last chance to connect with your mother and your relationship with her is none of his business.  He and sis are making it all about them (not that I need to tell you). I'd be very angry. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #8 on: July 02, 2019, 11:25:01 PM »

Turkish,
Actually this brother is not the golden child. He is one of the scapegoats. The brother who was the golden child is deceased. I believe the brother who is the scapegoat wants to become a golden child by taking care of mom. He has formed an alliance with my sister against me as another way I believe to fortify his status as one of the superior ones who can do no wrong as compared to the scapegoats who are maligned whether they behave badly or treat others well. I am past being angry. I have matured emotionally to the point that I just don't take it so personally how my family members treat me.
Visiting mom is not all that rewarding as she does not see her children as separate people from her. I can not have a conversation of any substance or length with mom. Mom does not want to hear about me nor talk about herself because that would mean I am a separate person from her.
Logged

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #9 on: July 02, 2019, 11:36:36 PM »

Harri,
I admire how you do everything with grace and dignity despite the difficult circumstances you have. You give lots of time to others on this site and have great compassion and empathy which I hope you are also giving to yourself as well.
Thank you for your kind thoughts. I agree with you that my siblings are not at peace with mom's passing the way I am. Since both siblings are unable to regulate their emotions and have BPD just like mom, they clearly have zero perspective on how the things they do affect others and have to dump their uncomfortable feelings on others.
Logged

Libra
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 264



« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2019, 02:27:00 AM »

Zachira,

You are in my thoughts in this difficult time.
It is impressive to see how you have managed to break out of the cycle your siblings are still stuck in.
You are making healthy, emotionally stable choices.
You are taking time daily to call your mother, showing her you care and you are with her on her last stretch.
You are distancing yourself from the emotional turmoil your siblings are creating.
And you are grieving what was and preparing for what is to come.

Thank you for sharing your journey.
We are here to listen and support as we can.



Libra.
Logged

Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2019, 10:29:43 AM »

Libra,
Thank you for your support and caring. It means a lot.
Logged

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2019, 01:38:48 PM »

My BIL thoughtfully notified me that my mother is not expected to live for more than two days. My BIL is my sister's caretaker: He puts up with all her bad behaviors, yet still treats her with the upmost kindness and care. He has been extremely generous with me most of the time, though sometimes he has unfairly supported my sister when she has treated me terribly though understandable considering he is my sister's husband. My siblings do not have the heart to keep me updated on what is going on with mom. I am thankful to have my BIL.
I have called my mom. The home health aide told me that the hospice nurse is there and expects mom to die within the next few hours. I had her put the phone to mom's ear to tell her I loved her and I appreciate all she has done for us. I have not been able to tell mom I loved her for many years, ever since she abused my brother when he was dying to the point that social services had to get involved. My mother was extremely generous with her children in many ways. Her problem is she could not see her children as separate people from herself . I do love my mom. I just realize she could not love me back in ways that supported my self esteem and growth through the stages of life. I know it means so much to her to feel loved by her children. I have been unable to tell mom that my brother has denied me access to her and forbidden me to come for Christmas the last two years. It would have upset mom more and put my brother on a bloodier war path than he is on now. A few months ago, mom told me she knows there are problems between my brother and I. I just hope she knows I did not come to see her because I couldn't. She has asked me many times over the past few months to come before August which is when I had plans to see her one more time. I have asked the home health aide to tell mom when she is more awake that I love her and appreciate all she has done. I know this will comfort mom in her dying moments, and make me feel better about not being there.

Logged

Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2019, 02:06:17 PM »

Hi zachira     I am glad you shared the latest with us so we can be here with you.

I know how it is to lose someone who you love but hate how they hurt you.  It is a loss no matter how much counseling and work we have done. 

Do you want to talk about her?  Share some of the good things you remember?  Or maybe we can just sit quietly together?

Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Libra
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 264



« Reply #14 on: July 03, 2019, 02:08:33 PM »

 
Logged

Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. ~ Confucius.
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #15 on: July 03, 2019, 04:13:11 PM »

I understand. I had a mother who didn’t want to see me as a separate being either. That’s hard enough without having siblings such as yours. It was a blessing to get to the place where I realized that my mom loved me, BPD or not, she genuinely loved me as best she could. It sounds like you’ve arrived at that place too.   

Cat
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #16 on: July 03, 2019, 04:16:04 PM »

You are in my thoughts zachira  
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Woolspinner2000
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2007



« Reply #17 on: July 03, 2019, 06:51:04 PM »

Zachira,

Thank you for sharing and telling us so much of your story. It really is such a unique journey to go through when your mom was an abuser. I have walked the same journey when my mom passed too. I'm so thankful that you were able to tell her you love her over the phone. My kids did that too when their grandma was dying, and I watched the expression on my mother in law's face and knew she understood and heard them.

May you continue in peace. Thinking and praying for you.

 
Wools
Logged

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
madeline7
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 343


« Reply #18 on: July 03, 2019, 10:32:05 PM »

In your time of grief, I am sending you hugs.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #19 on: July 04, 2019, 12:06:15 AM »

Have you heard an update? How are you doing zachira?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #20 on: July 04, 2019, 08:46:00 AM »

Mom is peacefully sleeping and apparently dying a little more slowly than expected. Last night, the home health aide said the hospice nurse expects her to be gone within the next 24 hours. Thank you all for your kindness and thoughtfulness. I am doing well, with some occasional feelings of sadness and tears, and keeping busy.
Logged

Kwamina
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3535



« Reply #21 on: July 04, 2019, 09:36:06 AM »

We are here for you zachira.

Sending you some parrot hugs  
Logged

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
nomodrama

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 49



« Reply #22 on: July 04, 2019, 10:04:59 AM »

It is really special and touching to see how this community of anonymous folks in pain come together to support each other.

Zachira,
Sending you love and good vibes through the energy on by touch screen
My mom is also dying at the moment, her nurses say by this weekend and I cant be there either. I spoke to her on the phone Tue and I am at peace with our goodbye.

Your story of growth and hearing this post is inspiring to me, thank you.
Peace to all
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #23 on: July 04, 2019, 11:20:47 AM »

Nomodrama,
I am sad to hear that your mother is dying and you also can't be there. I am glad you are feeling at peace with your goodbye. It is so hard to have a family member dying/die and not have the support of important family members. I read on your intro that your are NC with your sister. Having the love and care of family members and friends can be so healing in the hardest of times. Thank you for reaching out and sending your support.
Logged

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #24 on: July 05, 2019, 04:39:06 AM »

praying for you, zachira.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #25 on: July 05, 2019, 09:49:53 AM »

My mom passed away yesterday at noon. I was really sad at first and then relieved.
My brother called me and asked me if he could use some company I never heard of to take care of mom and did not mention the funeral home the family traditionally uses. I asked what this company does and he said "cremation". He claimed to want my okay for the cremation yet it was clear he just wanted me to say yes. I believe mom expected to be buried in a casket and could not convince my brother of that so I let it go. He then informed me that we could wait until August for the funeral which is a relief considering how I was treated when my father died. Mom did not reach me until right after the funeral with all the family gathered after the service. She knew the address of where I was living, though I had no phone. For years, she had threatened me because of my travels and not knowing every minute where I was that I would not be at my father's funeral. Mom had the funeral on Friday and dad had died on Tuesday. She made no effort to allow for me to get there. I was afraid that this would be the same scenario with my mom, so I am relieved.
My sister meanwhile has sent me mom's obituary for me to look at. What a disaster! Mom told my sister what she wanted in her obituary. The obituary are the ramblings of an old woman in cognitive decline, with much of the important details of mom's life left out, and all kinds of stuff that don't go in an obituary, never mind the grammatical and spelling errors. My sister says that except for the first paragraph which explains that mom has died are what mom said. That is clearly not the case. My sister has turned the obituary into a promo for not smoking if you want to live to a ripe old age. She tells a story about how my mother was exposed to asbestos (which left scars on her lungs), and then adds: "Good thing she didn't smoke!" I gave my sister some feedback on the obituary in an email and am hoping she will let me rewrite it, maybe with some feedback from my brother. The obituary sounds like it was written by a small child, which is often how my sister acts. I realize I may have to let this one go and this is just another example of how dysfunctional the family is.
I offered to call the friends and family to let them know mom is gone. My sister gave me the okay. I am enjoying doing this, and reconnecting with lots of people I really enjoy.
I am sad about mom, most of all how my siblings treated me, and did not allow me to see her. Mom was requesting until the very end that I come visit her, and I think it is sad beyond words that I could not.
The positive parts are that the way my siblings treated me, really has allowed me to differentiate from the family. My years of going to therapy and becoming a confident, happy person put them on the war path. I had thought that by becoming a better person that I would finally be appreciated and loved by my family, and it is the total opposite. I am now stable enough, that their approval just doesn't matter that much to me anymore, and I am a person in my own right.
I am now able to see all the good mom did, even though there was lots of abuse. I believe that is because I am now safe, and she will never be able to abuse me again. I feel so sorry that mom did not know how to love her children, and did so much harm.
Once again, thank you all for your kindness and support for the past two years!
Logged

Kwamina
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3535



« Reply #26 on: July 05, 2019, 10:09:22 AM »

My condolences zachira

I am wishing you peace and strength as you mourn the loss of your mother.

She did abuse you which is a difficult thing to come to terms with. I am glad though that you have been able to heal some of the wounds and were now also able to see your mother for who she really was. You now see the total picture of her, including her good parts as well and were even able to empathize with her which is a clear sign of healing and growth. It is indeed sad that your mother was unable to express the love she might have felt for her children in a way that also felt like love.

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."


Your mother's struggle with her own disorder is over now. A new phase begins for you and you can count on us for continued support

The Board Parrot
« Last Edit: July 05, 2019, 10:38:08 AM by Kwamina » Logged

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #27 on: July 05, 2019, 11:08:25 AM »

R.I.P. mother. 

L.I.P. zachira. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #28 on: July 05, 2019, 11:26:31 AM »

Hi zachira. 

I too am wishing you peace for now and the future. 

 
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #29 on: July 06, 2019, 11:50:15 AM »

My sister has agreed to let me edit mom's obituary, and then let my brother and brother-in-law have a crack at it, so hopefully it will be respectful.
I talked to one of the cousins yesterday. He let me know how much he liked my mother, and he knows I did not like her. I am hearing from a lot of people how fond they were of my mother. She certainly was charming and generous with nearly everyone including my father whom she treated nicely when he was present, and talked terribly about him and how she wanted to divorce him behind his back. I literally spent hundreds of hours listening to her badmouth everyone under the sun, yet not too many people got to see this side of her. I feel that her children were really the only people that knew her and saw sides of her that would have alienated nearly everyone else. I realize that so many of the  people giving their condolences really liked her and I need to keep quiet about how I felt about her. I am grateful to have this site and the support where I can say what I feel. Right now I am feeling a little bit sad and mostly doing just fine. So many really nice people that live near me have been sadder than I am about the death of my mother because they truly loved their mother who died way too early. I am so glad to be surrounded locally by so many kind people, and I realize this has been a big change. Most of the people I deal with on a daily basis are not like my family members: They grew up in caring homes. I kind of live in two worlds: the people I have chosen to surround myself with and the ones I inherited through my family connections.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 11:56:02 AM by zachira » Logged

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #30 on: July 06, 2019, 11:57:11 AM »

I am hearing from a lot of people how fond they were of my mother. She certainly was charming and generous with nearly everyone including my father whom she treated nicely when he was present, and talked terribly about him and how she wanted to divorce him behind his back. I literally spent hundreds of hours listen to her badmouth everyone under the sun, yet not too many people got to see this side of her. I feel that her children were really the only people that knew her and saw sides of her that would have alienated nearly everyone else.

I had the same experience with my mother. My childhood friends thought she was incredibly wonderful. Of course they never saw the side of her that my father and I experienced.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #31 on: July 11, 2019, 11:53:22 AM »

It has been a week since mom passed away. I have been a little bit sad, though the main feeling is one of having a tremendous burden lifted from my shoulders knowing mom can not invalidate me any more. I am suddenly very busy tackling projects I didn't feel capable of getting done before. I still have the challenge of dealing with my siblings with BPD and the family members that scapegoat others, and this challenge does not seem to be so overwhelming anymore. I really appreciate all of you who reached out during the time my mother was dying and afterwards. I am hoping that for all those who still have a BPD in their lives and can't so easily walk away, that some day you will be free of having to deal with this type of person on a regular basis and/or having to deal with them at all.
Logged

Scarlet Phoenix
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Together 9 years
Posts: 1155



« Reply #32 on: July 13, 2019, 02:09:49 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached it's maximum length and has been locked. The OP continues the discussion here:
The Fallout From My Mom's Recent Death (She had BPD.)
Logged


~~ The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; who strives valiantly; who errs; who comes short again and again ... and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ~~ Become who you are ~~
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!