New here: BPD husband

[ChTown]

Hello, I am new here, so please bear with my long introductory post.

My Dh is a dBPD. He has known for many years. We have been together for 15 years, married for 12. I brought 2 dd to the marriage (they were 2 and 4 at the time), and he brought 2 ds (1.5 and 5). The girls have always lived with us, the boys with their mom and stepd, with regular visitation to us.

I saw red flags early on. I ignored them. As we've gotten older (we're in mid/late 40s), it seems that his symptoms have gotten worse. To where it used to be a few triggers that i noticed (aside from the 'invisible' triggers, ie. I breathed, sighed, looked at him wrong, etc.), there are now a number of triggers, and WAY more invisible triggers. He refuses to get help. He's started 2x in the past 15 years, only to stop going, saying that he "feels fine." And that's where we are today. If I encourage him to get help, he fires back with, "I thought i was doing good" (turning it back on me).

In May 2018, while on an adult vacation with friends, he had a horrible split. Totally blew up on me because I asked why he was angry. 4 hours of complete verbal abuse; saying the most awful, horrible things about me. After that incident, I decided to seek help for ME. After introspection, I could see that I was a shell of the woman that i used to be. In June 2018, I began seeing a therapist. In that first month, it was clear that I was codependent. Without telling my therapist about my husband's previous diagnosis, she was able to properly assume that he was BPD. For the past year, I have worked on both myself, and have learned techniques to try to stop walking on eggshells. I, finally, for the first time in years, feel strong, in charge of myself, and powerful (not sure if that's the right word!). DH, however, has continued to decline. Now that our dds are older, they see it and it's heartbreaking.

He has always had an issue with my daughters--he has told me that they take too much time from me, that I pay too much attention to them, that he can't wait until their older and move out and we have "our time." The girls deal with his mood swings much better than I ever did. He is super proud and lovey on them one moment, then the next, he is passive aggressive and annoyed with them. I felt that things were getting better...then my SS19 moved in...

His 19yo son (yes, he is my SS, but it's easier on typing and understanding to reference him as 'his' son), went to college in Fall 2018. He partied, smoked weed, drank...and failed out. His BM confronted him about it--told him that his car was getting taken away because it was an earned privilege, and told him when he came home after the term that he had 2 weeks to find a job, then in order to stay at the house, would have to pay 1/2 his car payment and insurance. SS19 got in a fight with her, walked out. In swoops DH to save the day. DH asked if SS19 could 'stay' with us over the summer. We set down some rules:  He can live here as long as he has a job and is going to school.  He will save the money he makes over the summer to purchase a car. OTHER option: If he chooses NOT to go back to school, he can stay with us until end-of-August, then he is on his own. If he's not a student, he is choosing to be an adult; therefore, he will move out/live as an adult. SS19 moved in 7 weeks ago.

Since then, DH is a MESS. Crazy, irrational mood swings. Either lovebombing the girls and I, or totally ignoring us. Spending frivolously on unnecessary items in order to have 'fun stuff' to do with SS19 ($400 jon boat, concert tickets, fishing licenses, etc). He is 100% irresponsible with finances (this isn't new), but it's gotten worse. And...he is NOT parenting the young adult SS. There is no push in encouragement for his future, no plans, nothing. And if I bring it up, DH loses his ever-loving mind. The girls are having a hard time. Last night, they asked if they could go stay with my mom for a while. I am crushed.

Over the year, my therapist has told me one thing repeatedly: I CANNOT HELP HIM. ONLY HE CAN HELP HIMSELF. He doesn't want help.

I am flustered. Hurt. And tired. My soul is tired.

Thank you for letting me be here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MTS123]

I wish I had some advice for you but my husband is newly diagnosed and I had never even heard of BPD before his diagnosis.

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain.  Your post reads like I wrote it myself.  Our stories are very similar.   My son spending time alone with me triggers my husband.  I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

[AskingWhy]

ChTown, welcome.  I know quite a bit of what you are feeling.  I am also a codependent.  

My uBPD H has children, now adults, from his first marriage to a uNPD W.  She had an affair while H was overseas in the military, then divorced H to marry her lover.  (The lover was married and had children.)  H's X W took the children across the country due to H's not contesting.   BPDs tend to find partners who are NPD or codependent.  

As a result, the children grew up overvalued and spoiled.  In their teens, they emotionally blackmailed H into buying all kinds of expensive things from computers and cars to designer clothing.

BPDs often see their children as extensions of themselves.  In the case of a divorced BPD parent, there is a lot of guilt that goes with the spoiling of children.  This is especially the case with BPD men.  

With my H's Ds, he is doting and spoiling and covertly incestuous.  With his S, he is the S's best pal and drinking buddy.  All of his children are in the BPD and NPD spectrum.

Having stepchildren move in with an unbalanced person is a recipe for disaster.   Living in a blended family is trying and then adding mental illness can be toxic.  My uBPD H split me black and his children white. When in the presence of his now adult children, it's like I don't even exist.  This is due to BPDs having object permanence issues and dissociation.

Please browse the site for how to deal with your H.  Many of us here can relate to what you are going through.