The Fallout From My Mom's Recent Death (She had BPD.)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am starting a new thread now that my mom with BPD has passed a way. I am finding new challenges and some relief since mom died two days ago. It is very different to grieve a loving relationship with a mother versus one in which there was abuse yet some real generosity at the same time.
This morning, my sister sent out the email announcing the death of my mother to the family. The announcement is eerily similar to one sent out by her after the death of my brother several years ago. Everyone in the immediate family gets mentioned except me, the scapegoat of the family. I don't believe in either instance my sister did this to hurt me; it is just in her mind I really don't exist in many ways, as is so with many members of the extended family who continue the practice of putting certain people on a pedestal no matter how badly they behave while maligning and ignoring the scapegoats. I had little reaction to the current email as I have really accepted as best as I can that this is how it will always be with certain family members and long time friends of the family. (What really gets me upset is to see how some of the younger members of the extended family have been chosen as scapegoats and how this is hurting them. So far, I have not been successful as far as I know in really helping the younger generations of scapegoats.) I have done so much therapy and am now surrounded by friends and certain family members that treat me with kindness and respect so I am going to be fine most of the time.  

[zachira]

I am starting a new thread now that my mom with BPD has passed a way. I am finding new challenges and some relief since mom died two days ago. It is very different to grieve a loving relationship with a mother versus one in which there was abuse yet some real generosity at the same time.
This morning, my sister sent out the email announcing the death of my mother to the family. The announcement is eerily similar to one sent out by her after the death of my brother several years ago. Everyone in the immediate family gets mentioned except me, the scapegoat of the family. I don't believe in either instance my sister did this to hurt me; it is just in her mind I really don't exist in many ways, as is so with many members of the extended family who continue the practice of putting certain people on a pedestal no matter how badly they behave while maligning and ignoring the scapegoats. I had little reaction to the current email as I have really accepted as best as I can that this is how it will always be with certain family members and long time friends of the family. (What really gets me upset is to see how some of the younger members of the extended family have been chosen as scapegoats and how this is hurting them. So far, I have not been successful as far as I know in really helping the younger generations of scapegoats.) I have done so much therapy and am now surrounded by friends and certain family members that treat me with kindness and respect so I am going to be fine most of the time.  

[JNChell]

z, I haven’t read your post yet. I wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. I know that you love your mom and that the situation was a big struggle for you. I’m sorry that answers that you needed died with her. I’m sorry that you had to go through what you did. I relate with your inner child. I’m not the best man to be giving advice, but everything is going to be ok. We’ve got you.

[JNChell]

I’m also sorry about the scapegoat thing. I think we’ve related on that in the past. I think we’ve also agreed that the scapegoat is the strongest one out of the dysfunctional bunch.

Pay no mind to your sister’s actions, Sweetheart. Think about it. You know why. It hurts, but you know why. Take that breath that you’ve encouraged others to take. One empath to another.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- I am sorry for your loss. I have read your other thread and I am glad you were able to tell your mother you loved her. I am sure it brought her some comfort at this time. I think despite her own baggage, those kind words registered with her soul. While you may feel unrecognized for your kindness to her, I think it matters somehow in the grand scheme of things and I hope it brings you some comfort that you were kind to her.

The family dysfunction in remaining family members remains and your family will likely restructure itself along with this.

I understand the scapegoat position. I was able to say goodbye to my father but I was not there at the very end. My mother didn't call me to tell me he died. I found out from one of his relatives. She had called everyone else in his circle except me. She claims she "thought she did" but I know it was deliberate on her part.

My father's death split the family. BPD mom told her side not to talk to me and they complied. I grieved this along with the loss of my father, but then decided to not be a part of that dysfunction.

Later on she tried to reconcile me into her family-not for me, but because she wanted my kids involved with them. They did things with their grandchildren and it was awkward for her to not have my children there, so she began to try to get us to repair what was by then a several year estrangement. She began to forward their group e mails to me. I noticed I was not listed on them. She asked me if I wanted to join them in their family events. I told her no and pointed out that I am not on their email list. I am cordial and pleasant when I do see them, but having been excluded, I keep an emotional distance.

I know this hurts. I also wanted to be accepted by them, but I don't want to look to them for that anymore. It still feels sad, but I have chosen to not try to gain their acceptance.

I miss my father very much, but then also had a sense of relief. He was the reason I felt obligated to tolerate how my mother treats me.  I realized I then had the choice. I decided to choose to stay in contact but I don't tolerate emotionally abusive behavior. It makes a difference when we realize we have a choice. You now have this choice- you can disengage from the family members who don't treat you kindly, or you can be in contact on your terms.

Please don't take their behavior personally. I felt hurt at first, and then realized their behavior is more about them than me. It is this way for you too. I wish you some peace in your grief.

[JNChell]

z, we love you very much.

[Harri]

Hi zachira. 

Glad you are talking about this with us.  It is a tough time, in some ways harder than when waiting for her to die I think, at least it was for me with my mom.  I was fortunate in that my brother, father and I were able to work together making sure all of our needs were met in some way.  If your siblings can't do that with you that is on them.  Do what is healthy and right for you.  There often are no good options other than doing what you are doing.

Lean on your friends, both IRL and here.

 

[madeline7]

Zachira,
I am sorry for your loss. I am also inspired by your compassion and generosity towards your Mom at the end of her life. You chose to be kind, to let her know you loved her. You were able to see positive amidst all the negativity and even abuse. What a journey you have been on. I wish you continued peace.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi zachira, I am really sorry for your loss. I am wishing you peace and sending you a hug e heart full of love.

[I Am Redeemed]

So sorry for your loss, zachira. I think you did a great kindness to your mother to give her compassion at the end of her life, and that shows a wonderful inner strength that you have. I think it will be good for you as well to know that you had kind words at the end and not harsh ones.

I lost my mother last year. I never really developed a close relationship with her, but it was hard just the same. There are many things I wish had been different while she was alive, but...it is what it is. I think I grieve the loss of the relationship I didn't have more than the one that I did. It's strange.

Sending you hugs and strength,

Redeemed

[zachira]

Thank you everyone for your continued support. It really helps to know I am not alone. I am feeling somewhat sad and overall like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that mom can no longer abuse me. I am now very busy doing things that I just didn't have the self esteem or energy to tackle while mom was alive. The challenge now is dealing with my two siblings with BPD. My sister originally asked for my feedback on the obituary. I rewrote it with my sister's permission and sent it to my siblings and niece. My niece liked what I wrote and gave me some great feedback. Since then, according to my brother in law, the obituary is going back and forth between my two siblings. My niece and I are being excluded from the process, though my sister initially asked me to participate. I suspect my brother does not want me involved, and my sister is a lot like mom in that she cannot acknowledge her daughter's contributions. I think my sister fears losing the approval of my brother. This morning, my brother sent me a list of possible pictures of mom for the obituary. They are all pictures of mom when she was in her twenties. The original obituary that my sister sent me was very childlike in nature. I think my two siblings have not really grown up, and feel they are acting like children. I think it is weird to have a picture of mom in her twenties in her obituary when she died as a very elderly woman. I am not really all that upset by all this, and continue to be in an upbeat mood. I was expecting my siblings would likely take over the obituary and funeral proceedings. Having mom gone is such a blessing, and I think I will be able to cope with whatever crazy things my siblings do without getting too upset from now on. I am keeping my mouth shut about what I think about what they are doing.

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are feeling some relief. I understand - I genuinely grieved for my father, but he was the reason I tolerated my mother's abuse for so many years. I wanted his approval so badly and the only way to get it was to keep the peace with BPD. I realized before he passed that I was not going to tolerate her abuse and it created a lot of friction between us. That was hurtful.

When he died, the odd sense of relief came from the fact that- I no longer had a reason to tolerate her abuse, or to fear my father's anger. If you think about it, his anger at me for not tolerating it is abuse too. But I still clung to the only parent who ever cared for me and that was him.

How strange to have love and abuse wrapped up together in our experiences, but I don't feel the same way about my mother as I did my father.

I also had to let go of attachments to her FOO. Like your siblings, it was more drama and dysfunction.

They will do whatever they do with the obituary. As they are also dysfunctional, the drama will  likely continue- but your ties to it are much less. Grief and strangely relief at the same time seems strange- but I get it. I still miss my father, but now, the FOG with BPD mother is less.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I really appreciate your understanding of my family dynamics and sharing your life long experiences with your challenges with your family. My brother just sent the obituary and the picture to the paper. He apparently did not want any feedback on the picture, as he sent the obituary to the paper shortly after sending me the pictures, giving the impression he wanted some feedback, which is not the case. I am glad it is easier for your to deal with your mother now that your father is gone. The boiling point for me with my mother was when she abused my brother who was dying of cancer. My brother's death sent me to years of therapy, and since then I have found it hard to be around mom. My brother and sister continued to support mom. I am expecting I am going to be criticized for not visiting or calling mom much the last few years even though my brother and sister did what they could to limit my access. Anyway, I have a new life now, and dealing with my siblings is minimally stressful compared to being constantly invalidated by mom. I will continue to go low contact with my siblings, though not no contact as I do have some wonderful cousins that I want to keep in touch with.

[Harri]

It sounds like your brother and sister are behaving in ways that are consistent with the role they have always taken.  I am sorry for that zachira.

On the flip side, I think you are handling things with grace.  You are aware, still grieving and recognizing how they are behaving and yet choosing to respond rather than react and choosing to act in ways that honor you.

I admire that.

When are the services, assuming there will be services?  If so, will you have a supportive friend(s) who will be by your side?

 

[zachira]

The services won't be until the end of the summer.
Right now, I am dealing with people that truly liked and loved my mother telling me how sorry they are. Mom was a different person around most people even my dad. Only my siblings and I got to see her really bad sides, for the most part, though some people did catch on. My dad adored my mother, as did her boyfriend after dad passed away. Neither dad nor the boyfriend had the slightest idea that she had endless bad things to say about them when they weren't around.
I am also dealing with people giving me heartfelt condolences who are still very sad about losing their own mother.
I realize I can't tell most people how I felt about my mother, and that I am feeling for the most part like a million dollars, like a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I really appreciate being able to post here and the kind caring responses.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- I think we "get" it here.

For me too- a pivotal experience was when my mother abused my father when he was sick and at the end of his life. I knew she was difficult to deal with. I knew she was abusive, but seeing her do this- to the man who supported her for most of her life, and remained devoted to her regardless of how she treated him was a revelation of how truly mentally ill she was and her capacity for cruelty.

While I aim to continue to treat her with the decency that I would have for any human, it confirmed to me that a relationship with her beyond just meeting her needs is not possible. I don't wish to do her any harm, but with her being in victim mode emotionally, any time I don't comply with her demands leaves her reacting as if I did. I have to rely on my own boundaries and ethics with how to interact with her. It's essentially a no win situation. If I am not her "doormat" and I say "no"- she claims I have hurt her. So, to keep any sense of being good to her, I have to allow her to violate my boundaries and this isn't a tolerable situation.

My mother's FOO sings her praises and her friends tell me how wonderful she is. I have seen her interact with them and she could win an academy award for her public persona. For someone so emotionally unstable, she is extremely skilled at winning people over and manipulating them.

I have long ago given up on thinking people in her circle might see otherwise and I don't really see the point in that. When they tell me how wonderful she is, I simply say thank you. Many think I am a horrible daughter for not doing more for her. She lives alone and they don't understand why I don't bring her closer to my home and help her. To them, I'm a terrible daughter.

I don't know if you are religious or not, but I try to take that kind of view. People may not know the truth, but there's a higher Judge who does. This same Judge will also see my own efforts to balance not causing her strife and self preservation. Other people will think what they think.

People will naturally seek to console you Zachira, it's a natural thing to do. Smile and nod, and seek support from people who can be supportive to you.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Your relationship with your mother sounds so much like mine in many ways, though my mom did some incredibly generous things for her children. There was just no empathy behind it. Mom knew how to get most people to like her, those those that didn't really did not like her at all. I do think that there are two ends of the spectrum of healthy versus unhealthy relationships. The healthy people surround themselves with people who are genuine most of the time and with whom there is from time to time open disagreement yet respect. I tell my friends that we are not friends until we have disagreed on something and have agreed to accept our differences. The unhealthy people surround themselves with people that will kiss up to them. They seem to have an attitude of I will make you feel like you are the greatest if you make me feel like I am the greatest. I am able to pick out these people by how charming they are and how they seem to put me on a pedestal until I refuse to participate in the mutual worship.
I understand how you want to keep in contact with your mother. I felt that way also, and I just tried to be respectful and not lower myself to her level. I know it is hard to receive all the criticism you do from her circle of so called friends and family members.  I finally realized that some people do get it, though not those who choose mom as a friend and/or those who continually sung her praises.
Yes, I will just say thank you to those who talk about how great mom was. For those who did not know mom who show me how sad they are about mom's passing because how they miss their mothers, I am grateful that I am now mostly surrounded by people who had loving mothers, and I don't expect them to understand what happened with my mother. I have  the wonderful people on this site who understand what it is like to have a mother and family members with BPD and strong NPD traits.

[Notwendy]

The unhealthy people surround themselves with people that will kiss up to them. They seem to have an attitude of I will make you feel like you are the greatest if you make me feel like I am the greatest. I am able to pick out these people by how charming they are and how they seem to put me on a pedestal until I refuse to participate in the mutual worship.

Zachira, you have described my mother and her FOO. Any relationship with them involves participating in their mutual ego stroking. Since this doesn't feel natural to me, I don't do it and this is upsetting to her. I don't do it to upset her, I just see it for what it is and it feels creepy and inappropriate to me.

When my mother is being nice to me, she's basically trying to manipulate me in some way- to do something for her or supply her with information that will bolster her self image. She seems to have a constant need for narcissistic supply.

Whenever I interact with her, I feel used. Even if I try to set boundaries, she is constantly manipulating me, trying to get her emotional needs met.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I believe my experience of being the scapegoat of the family is partly due to my wanting to be myself while having genuine intimate relationships with others since a very early age. The lesson I have had to learn is I can't show who I am to people who are looking to be kissed up to 100 percent of the time. I hear how frustrating it is to be the one doing all the giving in the relationships you have with your mother and those she surrounds herself with. I am wondering if there is any way for you to feel free of this terrible burden while your mother is still alive. I feel like a huge burden has lifted from my shoulders and I am getting things done like never before. I wish people with family members with BPD could experience this lightening of the load without the family member with BPD having to die. I know you are married and have children, so may be this is not a challenge for you, as you have made a good life for yourself. I have never married and it is too late to have a family. I have been to years of therapy and feel that I was ready for some healthy changes in my life, yet I could not come out from under the cloud of being somewhat depressed and lethargic while mom was alive. Every day I just feel happier and more energetic, with some occasional moments of sadness.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- I am so pleased for you that you feel a large burden has been lifted.

I think that focusing on my own life as well as counseling and 12 step co-dependency groups have helped me to feel less FOG. As far as obligation, I still feel a sense of obligation, not due to her, but my own values. I consider the parent- child relationship to be special, even if I don't think my mother upholds her aspect of this. I do. But there's a difference between "honoring a parent" and allowing them to abuse you. Honoring doesn't mean complete obedience which is her expectations.

Spiritually, if I am allowing her to abuse me, if I am obeying her wish to violate my boundaries, I am not honoring her. I am enabling her to not be an ethical person. If I don't allow her to do that, then I am not enabling her. She has a choice, and she may choose to be abusive, but I'm not enabling that. So, my challenge is to walk that fine line between holding a boundary and not causing harm to her. This then becomes an obligation to myself, not her, to do the best I can with this situation.

After my father died, I could have gone NC. But I would have had personal difficulty doing this. I made the choice to have contact. Before my father died, I didn't do this by choice, I did it out of fear of his disapproval. I wanted to have contact with him and it was a package deal. I was emotionally attached to him.

I don't feel an emotional attachment to my mother. It's more of an attachment to my own spiritual values that I attempt to manage this. It didn't feel right to do otherwise. However, I acknowledge that for some people, NC is the right choice as contact causes them emotional harm.

Her behavior is aggravating, but she can not do emotional harm to me. I have done a lot of work on her triggering me. One time, she said some really mean things to me and I realized, I didn't even feel any discomfort. It was like watching a child have a temper tantrum. That was a big step toward lifting of the FOG.

I am so glad for you to be able to enjoy where you are at.

[Notwendy]

I'm the scapegoat in the family too. I have read somewhere that the scapegoat is the truth teller, the one that doesn't go along with the family dysfunction as much as the others.

[JNChell]

z, I’d like to echo Harri and offer admiration with the way you are handling things. Scapegoats are the strong ones. What an awful term. Maybe we can shed that eventually and not identify with it anymore. Blessings to you.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
The scapegoat is indeed the truth teller and the child that least tolerates the dysfunctional family dynamics. I have always hated injustice and seeing people mistreated. I speak up when others often won't, particularly when child abuse is involved.
Thank you for answering my question about how to free yourself from the heavy burden of having a mother with BPD, both before and after her death. It comes down to: building your self esteem, knowing yourself, choosing to surround yourself with healthy people, and doing the things that mean the most to you.
To all:
I am doing well, though sad at times. I do not regret how I have acted or how I feel now. I just feel sorry that I could not visit mom before she died because of how my siblings prevented it. Mom kept asking me to come see her until the day she died. Mom did tell me a few months ago, that she knew there were problems with my siblings. I could not tell her that my brother was restricting me from seeing her, because he was her caretaker and she would be too upset; he would have lied about it all, and done more things to upset me both then and now.
My challenge now is to deal with my siblings. I feel that by not being allowed to be around mom so much the last couple of years, I was forced to take the last step in becoming a separate person from my family and am no longer so enmeshed in the family's ongoing drama. My therapist helped me accept that I had been rejected by my immediate family members and some of the extended family because I had changed and was no longer willing to play the role I had been assigned since childhood. I am now indeed a person in my own right, with significant challenges in the months and years ahead as I continue to have some kind of contact with my siblings, though being invalidated by my siblings has never been nearly as upsetting as being invalidated by mom.  
 

[Tsultan]

Zachira,  I am sorry you were not able to visit your mom before she passed. Good for you for stepping away from the dysfunction.  I know in some of my r/s's when I changed my behavior and no longer danced the dance and got off the merry -go- round, some members tried to up the ante' with their behavior to get me to jump back on to keep the status quo of the family disease.  What helped me to not take it personally was to see this behavior as the disease trying to pull me back in.  I refuse to participate in the disease.   

It was enlightening to hear you talk about kissing up to people.  I helped me understand what was happening with my ex-H's family dynamic as it related to me.  I would not kiss up to my "queen" mother-in-law like everyone else did.  They knew it and it made them uncomfortable.  I was not looked upon very favorably by some of my ex-H's family members b/c of this.  It's not part of my value system to kiss up to people.  So I had that to contend with.  It always put a strain in the atmosphere.

It sure is interesting though to be able to step back and see the dysfunctional family dynamic.  It's healthy to decide not to be a part of it anymore.

Enjoy your peace.  Your mom is at peace now too.

 

Ts

[Notwendy]

BPD mom made it difficult for me to see my father at the end of his life. She also painted me black to him and he'd rage at me when I was there. It's amazing how a pwBPD can interfere with your other relationships.

I think you are correct about changing and not going along with the dynamics results in "rejection". I didn't kiss up to BPD mother and her FOO, and so I was "rejected" by my father for not going along with this expectation. We still have conflict over this. She expects me to kiss up to her FOO. They expect me to kiss up to her. I don't aim to be cruel to her or cause her any harm, but I don't want to kiss up to them, tell everyone how wonderful she is. I think this plays a part in my being outside their circle.

After my father died, I made the decision to try to emotionally detach from my mother's FOO. It was a grieving process- to not see them as the family I thought they were, the family I wished we were, but to be around them, I felt I had to be fake. I still have some contact with them and I admit to not being as detached as I would want to be. But it gets easier over time, especially when I see the patterns of dysfunction in the family. It's easier if I see it that way, not something personal.

[Notwendy]

This isn't specific to BPD mothers but it's a good description of some of the dynamics

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201502/8-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter-relationships

I like the last lines:
To those who have trouble understanding, please listen and don’t put these daughters on trial because they challenge what you would like to believe about mothering and motherhood.

Please exhibit the trait these mothers lack. It’s called empathy.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Thank you for a great article. I will keep it to read from time to time as it validates so many of the feelings I have about the relationship with my mom.
I am sorry you could not see your father as much as you would have liked to before he died because your mother made it difficult for you to see him. I think a person with BPD cannot share the spotlight of being the person who is going to suffer this terrible loss and the one who will get all the credit and sympathy.
You have done with your mother's family what I have done with certain relatives. I can't do the kissing up and being fake which makes them dislike me. I am not rude nor disrespectful; I just don't participate in the mutual kissing up. These relatives don't care for me and it doesn't bother me now. There are many relatives who appreciate me and like me for who I am. All the relatives that treat me well, happen to be great parents to their children, some of whom are married and great parents themselves. Some of the family friends don't like me for the same reasons, yet there are people who really did not like me mother, that do like and respect me.
Tsultan,
Thank you for understanding why I could not see my mother before she died, and sending some healing thoughts my way. It does seem that those of us who want genuine relationships do get put down when we refuse to participate in the toxic kissing up dynamic. I am now working on not offending those people who I can't have genuine intimate relationships while not kissing up to them either, knowing that we will never be friends or have a close relationship.

[Harri]

This is a really good discussion and I can relate to a lot of what is shared here.  Thanks everyone.

Yes, I will just say thank you to those who talk about how great mom was. For those who did not know mom who show me how sad they are about mom's passing because how they miss their mothers, I am grateful that I am now mostly surrounded by people who had loving mothers, and I don't expect them to understand what happened with my mother.

I dealt with my moms friends and all the people who expressed their condolences in a similar way.  I realized it was important for them to say "I am sorry for your loss" to help them process and deal with their feelings.  It was not about me and I did not find it invalidating at all to hear them even sing her praises.  They knew a different person than I did and I was happy they did.  They, for the most part, got to see the best parts of my mom.  I decided to allow them to have room for their own relationship with my mom and to have their own feelings. 

When I read that last sentence back, it seems self-serving to me and I guess it was as it was an opportunity for me to work on me, to separate from others beliefs, opinions and expectations surrounding death of family, a mother in particular and the biases of others.  It helped me make sense of things and to deal with my own conflicting feelings and not attribute negative thoughts to the actions and beliefs of others.   That was their stuff to deal with not mine.  I did however, like all of you here, choose to stay distant and not allow them into my own grief process and intimate feelings.  I think that was when I really began to learn there are levels to relationships, some close and some in the acquaintance category. 

I don't know if that is the right way to grieve or if a right way exists.  I do know that it worked for me. 

Sorry, just rambling here as grief related to the loss of an abusive loved one is such a complicated topic.

[JNChell]

Harri said:

I think that was when I really began to learn there are levels to relationships, some close and some in the acquaintance category.

z This is really something to think about. I remember getting very dirty looks by one of my dad’s (NPD) friends at his funeral. He wouldn’t shake my hand during the “going through the motions” part. I immediately knew why. I also have a cousin that thought that world of my mom. I was very close with this cousin, I don’t think she believes me and we’re no longer in contact with one another.

I fully support you in not kissing up to people that make you uncomfortable. Family or not. You’ve endured enough and are choosing to put safeguards in place and protect them for your own well being. I say job well done. By doing that, you’re inviting happier things into your life. I understand how surreal this time in your life feels. When my parents passed, I didn’t really know what to think. I don’t really think that I could. There was too much conflict between how I thought I was supposed to feel and how I truly felt. It was a weird time in my life. It took a long time and some very rough patches to get to a place of at least understanding it all, let alone begin to accept it. From reading you here for quite some time, you’re ahead of it, and offer a whole lot of insight to those that aren’t. I speak from knowing that.   

It’s reassuring to see that some folks are welcome in your life, and some aren’t. I appreciate your strength and wisdom. Big hug, z.

[zachira]

JNChell,
Thank you for all your support on this difficult journey. I think we all have to learn what is healthy and what may be the norms of society and/or a dysfunctional family are not necessarily in our best interests to follow. Right now, I am coming to terms with that certain people will never be more than acquaintances and these are the people that I need to meet where they are at. I have to limit how much of myself I show to these people yet respect my boundaries at the same time. This means that most of the time I will get away with just being pleasant with the acquaintances though if these people have strong narcissistic tendences they may go off on me if I don't worship them as expected. I don't think the acquaintances will be as much of a challenge as will certain family members, especially my siblings. My siblings resent my quiet self confidence, and there is nothing I can do about that. I return the big hug.

[Notwendy]

Since my BPD mother treats her friends and neighbors much better than she treats her own kids, they think I am a horrible daughter for not bringing her to live near me. She's also complained to them about that. When my father was alive, I tried to get them both to be closer to me, but they refused. I have made the offer before but she has made it complicated. The point is- she doesn't want to move. She has things the way she wants where she is. She has to be in complete control and this would not be the case if she were in assisted living.

Society assumes it's two ways: elderly people want to be near their adult children for comfort and assistance. Adult children want their parents relatively close so they can help them. But it's different in dysfunctional families. I actually did want this but then, I saw the bigger picture and my parents didn't want to move either.  She has a social worker involved who agrees that being in her home with assistance is the most workable situation for her.

But my BPD mother wants to appear "normal" so when neighbors ask about her moving near her children, she blames me. I have even gotten phone calls from a neighbor about this.

Several years ago there was an elderly woman in our community that everyone "adopted" . We would visit her, the kids liked her. She had children but people hardly saw them. I didn't wonder though. They might be selfish children----- or abused children. I didn't judge. I get it. Our BPD mothers are different people to other people than they are to us. They can be wonderful to other people (unless they get too close and into the drama too)

My mother's FOO and friends may judge me but I know the truth, and you do too Zachira.  What they think doesn't change that. Just be kind to others when yo

[Notwendy]

Whoops- posted and didn't finish.

What I meant it, just be kind when you get the opportunity which I know you would do. Even though the dynamics in my family make it difficult to have good relationship with my mother- it doesn't mean I can't have good relationships with other people, and do acts of kindness when I am able to. Whatever she, or  her neighbors think of me doesn't change that.

 

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.

Part 2 is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338103.msg13064393#msg13064393

Thank you.