Lying

[SRelephant]

Is lying and being secretive a common trait with BPD?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tamismom]

My DD33 has woven such elaborate webs of lies that it amazes me, the amount of mental energy that it must take to maintain them. I do not know if this is typical, but I'm very interested to read other answers that may be posted here. I initially believed they were to gain attention but of late I'm starting to believe that she is creating a fantasy life for herself, and wants to include me in it. My problem is that I'm afraid to call her on it in case she spirals out of control.

Very good question, thank you for bringing it up!

[StressedOutDaily]

My BPD16 dd "inaccurately" reports all the time.   I do not know how she keeps every story straight in her head...I don't think she does, which is why she has lost so many of her friends.  I often think she tells these stories because she has such low self esteem...and because she makes poor choices and then is ashamed of what she did...it has taken me a while to see it from this point of view and I don't always - it isn't always easy.

One thing I learned when I went through Family Connections is to refer to lying as inaccurate reporting.  It really helps me and my DH and how we view her and her stories ... it seems less like she is doing it to be disrespectful and manipulative. 

[PeaceMom]

Stressed-
Wow that was a lightbulb moment for me. I’ve always believed deep down that DD19 ubpd is not premeditating her lies and I’ve wondered if a lot of them were based on confusion in her brain!

My H and I have had many debates over this topic-is she conniving, manipulating and a compulsive liar vs is it jumbled up thinking or reporting facts from her highly emotional and therefore skewed viewpoint? I like inaccurate reporting -that seems less violent than “you are lying!”

There have been some great discussions  here on these boards about why lying is so prevalent and why the natural consequences of lying do not curb behavior.

[Allie70]

My 21 yr old dd has lied about every aspect of life and the lies are so complex and detailed that it amazes me and devastates me at the same time. I am convinced that the fantasy world she lives in and the keeping abreast of all of the lies has made her so much worse.
The most recent thing that has happened is that she left home 4 months ago to live with some friends as we found out about a series of lies that severely impacted our newly gained trust of her.
We had limited contact with her over this time but she did come over for Mother’s Day and once for dinner two weeks later. She had advised us she had started a job and gave very detailed information about it including details of what she was doing each day, people she was working with etc.
When we did see her she never had her car and each time when we questioned where her car was gave multiple different reasons why she wasn’t driving it.
We found out three weeks ago after turning up unannounced at her friends house that she has been living with her boyfriend interstate for 2 months. The job is purely fictional and she sold her car that she bought three years ago for $7000 for $300 to fly up there . Her previous drug dealer who is a man in his 40’s who is obsessed with her paid for her flights down her twice to see us and keep the facade going.
Her boyfriend is as troubled as her and such a bad influence. We don’t even know her address .
We have had to cut contact for now as we just can’t cope with the lies. All we can hope is that she one day decides to return home but at this point we have such little hope

[tamismom]

Mine has created a whole second secret life that I'm afraid she almost believes to be true. I'm so stuck because I truly believe that confronting the lies will cause a huge crisis for her. Keeping up with the stories and drama while knowing deep in my soul that it's all crap is wearing me out. She is dragging my husband in to the web now as well and I haven't go the guts to tell him that I don't believe her.

Do you think the lies your daughter tells are more to placate you about her situation? Like having a good job makes her look competent in your eyes?

[Allie70]

 

Tamismom

I think the lies for me are the hardest about her personality. Whilst there has been so many things to deal with such as promiscuity, drugs, impulsive behaviour, eating disorder etc we keep telling her we can work through these but we’ve told her so many times to not lie to us as this is the destroyer of our relationship but this doesn’t seem possible for her.

I think there are a few parts to it. One is the guilt and not wanting to disappoint us so she creates a lie to cover up what she’s done. I definitely think she wants to placate us so we think she’s ok so she doesn’t have to keep lying.

The second is fantasy about how she really wants her life to be. This is particularly true about her relationship with her boyfriend. She creates fantasy’s about how they are both working and have their own place but I know this is not true as neither can hold down jobs, they have a terrible credit rating due to debts and they have no money.
I’ve seen things she has written about him about how much she loves him, he’s the kindest, loving, most giving person in the world yet he’s none of those things.

I just can’t bring myself to let the lies be which is why I’ve stopped contact. I feel like our whole relationship is fake so for now I’m just letting go. Her grandmother maintains a little bit of contact and listens to the lies . She knows she is lying but she doesn’t challenge her at all. She just says “ glad you’re ok and happy” as she just wants to maintain some contact . Having no contact though doesn’t stop the worry but I just think we’ll now she doesn’t have to lie every time we speak.

My husband and I have certainly been caught in believing her web of lies so many times but we both now know nothing is true. It’s absolutely exhausting so I really feel your pain. Do you think your husband is like my mother in law where she just doesn’t want to challenge her so she can still have a relationship even knowing how she portrays her life is not true.

[tamismom]

No, I don't think that's the case. He's just such a gentle and trusting individual that it wouldn't occur to him that she was lying. He just takes things at face value. And this is the trouble for me...that in my head I'm being horrible to him by not telling him what I suspect. We truly have an honest and open relationship outside of this, but it kills me imagining making DD look that bad in his eyes. He'd be devastated knowing what this is doing to me. He knows the stress I'm under with all of the other issues, but the lies coming to light it would be very difficult. He's dealing with so much with his health right now that I can't pile on.

[kkce967]

Lying is part of the syndrome. My daughter is a great rationalizer for her behaviors. Truth is, she is embarrassed by them so she lies to herself as much as she does to other people. She was caught recently smoking in the bathroom and advertising edibles on her snapchat. To the police office that caught her red handed, she lied. I think, at least in my daughters case, she lives in a world of shoulds. Good people should do this and bad people do that. When she does things that her idea of bad people do, she can't deal with the dissonance. It results in a lie. And yes, she lies so she doesn't have to deal with consequences. The consequences are always worse because she lied but she never seems to catch onto that little fact.