Being summoned for a meeting

[Parents! Get help here!]

We received a text today from BPD dd's therapist for a meeting on Monday to discuss each others needs.

You know, I cant think of a single thing I am still hoping or expecting from her. She's moving in 2 weeks without adequate finances to do it so she can smoke weed...she has no restrictions on her any longer as she's employed, has a car and we are not upholding any moral boundary in her life except in our home. So she just goes out and does what she wants

What would you expect from a [currently] regulated child/adult who is leaving your home? Can anyone help me think?

A text would be nice to know she's alive...

[MomSA]

We received a text today from BPD dd's therapist for a meeting on Monday to discuss each others needs.

You know, I cant think of a single thing I am still hoping or expecting from her. She's moving in 2 weeks without adequate finances to do it so she can smoke weed...she has no restrictions on her any longer as she's employed, has a car and we are not upholding any moral boundary in her life except in our home. So she just goes out and does what she wants

What would you expect from a [currently] regulated child/adult who is leaving your home? Can anyone help me think?

A text would be nice to know she's alive...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

I’ve tried to read all the old discussions here starting on page 157 and I saw one mom say that she texted DD every few nights just to say “you’re on my mind, I love you”. Sometimes she’d hear back-even with a heart.  Do you think you will be sitting in fear worried about her daily? That may ease up. Sometimes when we quit forcing our morality on them and gently place it in their lap, they become quite moral. It’s an interesting thing.

Can you go into the meeting very calm and relaxed with just a few specifics that you need to impart to DD? It seems that you have no leverage bc you aren’t paying for anything or spending time in your day to drive/feed/clean for her. It all comes down to our time and/or money when we are trying to negotiate w/ pwBPD.  If she is one that will be expecting you to give her emotional support, then you could say I will be available to you when you need my emo support, if you can check in with me twice a week. Thoughts?

[Only Human]

Hi Mom!

I'm intrigued by this upcoming meeting and wonder what is meant by "to discuss each other's needs." As we all know, we can't make another person meet our needs.

What would you expect from a [currently] regulated child/adult who is leaving your home? Can anyone help me think?

A text would be nice to know she's alive...

I'm with you, Mom - I can't think of anything I would share in such a meeting. I wonder if it would help to separate needs from wants? I don't know, I'm seriously struggling with the T's invitation to talk about each other's needs!

How are you feeling about this meeting coming up?

~ OH

[MomSA]

Do you think you will be sitting in fear worried about her daily? That may ease up. Sometimes when we quit forcing our morality on them and gently place it in their lap, they become quite moral. It’s an interesting thing.

Can you go into the meeting very calm and relaxed with just a few specifics that you need to impart to DD?

Hey PeaceMom

Yes, I like that picture of placing it gently in their lap...we feel we have done much of this over the last few months and her responses are generally positive. So yes, I think this is key.

My husband and I had a chat last night and we decided that the most important thing is her caring for her mental health and taking it seriously. And from this all wiser actions will flow. So we are actually going to make that the only point of discussion.

No weed usage, boys, alcohol, hygiene, budgets - simply giver he charge over her life and choices and the consequences.

[MomSA]

I'm intrigued by this upcoming meeting and wonder what is meant by "to discuss each other's needs." As we all know, we can't make another person meet our needs.

Yes, good point in differentiating that.

I'm with you, Mom - I can't think of anything I would share in such a meeting. I wonder if it would help to separate needs from wants? I don't know, I'm seriously struggling with the T's invitation to talk about each other's needs!

How are you feeling about this meeting coming up?

I am glad that they (dd & T) have invited us into this space it shows growing trust in her as this was HER safe space for 10 weeks now.

I worry about my dh as he goes on long winded tangents and the point he's trying to make gets lost.

I think my needs will overwhelm her and they are not her responsibility to make me feel ok with her life. But what I want is for her to take her BPD seriously and her on going care...everything should flow from that for her as she makes wiser choices as she has been taught via DBT...

What do you think?

[Lollypop]

Hi MomSa

I think there’s an opportunity being placed before you with the meeting. She has something to say to you both in front of the therapist. Perhaps a request, because they suggest “discuss ... needs”.

I’d try to approach the meeting with wisemind. It’s possible to hear what’s been asked of you without judgment or any comment. Listen closely, test the water.

You don’t need to share your needs and/or wants if you don’t want to. Neither does there have to be a long conversation, particularly about things in the past. Remember JADEing and your SET skills if there’s open dialogue.

I’m a little uncomfortable with the idea of leverage or bargaining - you do this, then I can do that.  For us, that complicated my son’s thinking thus raising emotions; he felt it and then understood it as manipulation or an act to control. A loving gesture, unconditionally given, nurtures a healthier relationship. I had to radically accept I cannot change him, only how I react. I try not to react!

I hope the therapist can help you all reach a place where you’re feeling less anxious and a better understanding of one another.

LP .

[PeaceMom]

Great advice here and I see these points all come back to Radical Acceptance and the fact that we can’t control another adult. Of course your deepest desire is that she continues taking her recovery seriously. Maybe you can simply say that as your hope for her moving forward and let her know you are there for her as another lawyer of emotional support beyond friends, therapists, docs.

It sounds like your biggest fear is not knowing if she is ok on a daily basis. From reading thru this forum, most people go NC in anger.  Why would she cut you out/off if she’s not angry?
You might just be pleasantly surprised with her more mature choices.

As to your husband-I totally understand. I know if mine gets worked up, he can ramble and his point is lost. Again, he has his own relationship w/DD that you have zero control over. Think Triangulation and stay in the middle!

[MomSA]

I just want to thank you all for your input.

My dh and I both took to heart the validating through listening.

Our dd and her therapist are working through distress tolerance and interpersonal skills so we were the guinea pigs  in one sense for her to express her thanks for recent things we had done for her and for her to take ownership of things that could have made us feel worried in the last few weeks.

We then each had a chance to share about how we feel about her moving out. It was pretty positive. My dh couldn't resist a bit of a [long] lecture about finances, but all in all, we came out happy.
 

[PeaceMom]

MomSA,
I think your preparation and an open heart possible changed the whole dynamic. I have gone to a few of those meetings ready to vent and be heard by a neutral party hoping my DD would hear our concerns differently. I wish I would have known about validation skills back then.

Glad it turned out well.

Peacemom

[Only Human]

So happy for you all, MomSA! Thank you for letting us know how it went. A cause for celebration. 

Onward!

~ OH