Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 18, 2019, 11:26:00 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed, Scarlet Phoenix
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLoveKC, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Only Human, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, formflier, GaGrl, itsmeSnap, Longterm, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things I couldn't have known
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
Am I the Cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
I think it's Borderline Personality Disorder, but how can I know?
90
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Strained marriages due to BPD child  (Read 196 times)
MomSA
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 126



« on: July 11, 2019, 07:43:18 AM »

In another thread it was mentioned how marriages take strain when there is a BPD child in the home.

I would like to chat about it and thought I would start a new thread here...

My husband has ASD as do two of my sons. There are 6 of us all together in our home and my son in law makes 7. Relationships have been complicated our whole lives.

Add the BPD and we have fireworks...

I tend to be the peace maker between warring parties and often have had to take a stance against my husbands B/W thinking, his inability to filter his words, his missing of emotional and social cues and his very authoritarian manner.

This has meant that we have over the last 18 months, the peak of our daughters BPD episodes, become very distant as it seemed better than the blood curdling arguments we have been in with each other.

I want to get back to a place of openness, kindness, intimacy with him. I know the first step is forgiveness for the mistakes he's made with our kids, but in general his insisting our daughter be sent to rehab involuntarily...and then?

Who has walked a path like this? Can we chat? What has helped? Ideas?
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLoveKC
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 696



« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2019, 08:36:26 AM »

<raises hand> me. My marriage has also felt the strain of having a child with BPD. We are fortunate that we had a vacation already planned to celebrate our anniversary so right now we are away in Mexico focusing on each other. I will be away in Africa for a few months (I am a missionary) but when I return I think we will go for couples counseling. We have done it before and it really helped. Do you think that might help you too?
Hugs
Faith
Logged
tamismom

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 20



« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2019, 09:08:24 AM »

I'm trying soooo hard not to let this happen. We've only been married a month! In our 60's and the man has the patience of Job. My BPD DD came for the wedding and is still with us. We got a two day honeymoon away that was filled with long distance drama, after a lead up and wedding full of drama. (She objected to the marriage, and demonizes him...for obvious reasons)  I have spent almost every moment I'm not at work with her in order to make her feel like he hasn't made me abandon her and make her less of a priority. He's been holed up in our bedroom most of the last 5 weeks. When she leaves at the end of the month we are off for a two week road trip. She will be flying home to her husband and work. I'm already feeling nauseous at the thought of what drama may ensue with me being away and not in constant contact. I really need this break, and my husband most certainly deserves it.

Wish us luck!

I really wish I could be of more help MomSA, but I'm luck in that my husband doesn't really contribute to the problems at hand, other than my own guilt over how neglected he really is. Do you think your husband wants your daughter inpatient so that you can reconnect in a peaceful environment? If so maybe you have the same goals but not necessarily the same paths in mind to get there?
Logged

Tamismom Smiling (click to insert in post)
MomSA
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 126



« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2019, 09:27:30 AM »

Tamismom, can I suggest the book Stop Walking on Eggshells for you and your new  Way to go! (click to insert in post) husband to read to better prep for boundaries going forward with your daughter?

Faith, my husband won't go to counselling. Its the Aspergers thing... :/ I need to find peace in myself about who he is and the struggles we have faced due to my daughter over the last 18 months...

I hope, despite your struggles, you are having an amazing time away Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
FaithHopeLoveKC
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 696



« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2019, 09:33:55 AM »

If your husband won't go to couples counseling maybe you could go to individual counseling? That helps too.
Hugs
Faith
Logged
tamismom

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 20



« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2019, 10:09:57 AM »

MomSA, I have the book. Had it for ages. Now if only she would give me time to read it!!!!   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)

Honestly I was considering using vacation time to do so, but not sure that's the best use of my alleged downtime. *shrug*
Logged

Tamismom Smiling (click to insert in post)
JustYouWait
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 101


« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2019, 11:33:19 AM »

here, too.

It was hard.  My wife, DD step-mom, was my rock and saving grace.

Therapy, therapy, therapy.  If he won't go, cool....but it might help.  Either way, please consider it.
Logged
PeaceMom
Ambassador
***
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 143


« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2019, 04:15:43 PM »

Ditto! I’m right here with you.

 I sent a response earlier but it’s in cyberspace. My DH struggles w/emotional dysregulation at times which I believe might actually be C-PTSD from the train wrecks we are made to watch w/our DD. He has always been quick to label behavior into certain columns and his words can be so harsh with very little care or understanding about WHY the behavior occurred. We are in the conservative Christian South and there is very little grace when kids make BIG immoral choices. Sad, but true down here. Shame and guilt are given in heaps if one is nonconforming. I’ve said 100 times to DH “please criticize and label the behavior as bad, but do not label DD as Bad or flawed”
I resent him for his harshness but I understand it, too.

He’s a scared man who still has a young boy deep inside who is supposed to be the Rutter of our little family ship. Talk about pressure!!

I’m using SET and DEARMAN w/DH as he needs validation as much as she does. I’m also letting him sit with the fallout from his b Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) w thinking. I’m sure it can be lonely for him. I try very hard not to punish him by using tactics that a pwBPD would use -like silent treatment, retaliation, etc. Ha. It’s a fine line between sanity and insanity.

We know better so we do better, right?
Logged
Lollypop
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1258



« Reply #8 on: July 12, 2019, 02:39:33 AM »

I found being in two different parts of the process challenging. Well, we both did to be honest.

I took the lead in all of this “new” approach and H criticised me most of the way. Sometimes I’d have a wobble and he’d latch onto it. I learnt I couldn’t count on him to support me in the earlier days and so, to not be mirroring or triggered by his b/w thinking and judgments, I got the confidence to say “I can’t listen to you right now. You’re not helping the situation”.

H started to acknowledge the real but tiny improvements made over a period of time. The truth of the progress could not be denied and he started to focus on what was right, not wrong, for the first time.

He’s a negative person generally, old school, b/w thinker and bless him, finds it difficult to be kind. Even to me sometimes.

With Son28 stable and son18 hopefully going to uni in  September we will have the opportunity to reconnect. It’s a long time coming as I’ve felt “in between” an old life and a new one for a few years. I’ve got through this by throwing myself into my degree. Our relationship has been very strained this last year.

We went on holiday recently and had some good times, we also had a horrible argument (one that won’t be easily forgotten as his unkindness was stinging). I forget he has his limitations and he’s super sensitive. I resent having to treat him like my children and validate his feelings. I also won’t put up with being treated unkindly as my confidence has grown. We are work in progress.

We need to spend more time together and have some fun.

LP
Logged

     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
MomSA
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 126



« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2019, 12:53:17 AM »

Lollipop and Peacemom, it seems our husbands approaches are very similar. My dh does however have the ability to detach on most things - and leaves the dialogue and rule setting up to me after he's given me his ultimatums...but that makes it hard hard hard when she doesn't keep them - which we know she won't.

I also have to watch my "wobbles"(love that Lollypop) as he will then go on a long rant about her and it makes me feel more anxious.

We are currently in a relatively good space, staying away from very hot topics and I also simply say "I'm not discussing this now" if I see him getting fired up....

I do think that I can grow in forgiveness and grace on my own and have amazing women who have also had hard paths to walk who counsel me...but I would like to not always have to feel like I must almost "protect" my daughter from him or myself from his rants. That just adds to my anxiety...
Logged
Lollypop
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 1258



« Reply #10 on: July 13, 2019, 02:07:54 AM »

Hey MomSa

Excerpt
but I would like to not always have to feel like I must almost "protect" my daughter from him or myself from his rants.

I understand this positioning of yourself in the middle. I am not responsible for how my husband feels. I’m not saying I ignore his negative behaviour but I often don’t comment - I let it sit in the room. Is that validating the invalid? I guess. I find I don’t have the energy - he’s supposed to be a grownup.

He often says that he feels that he can never say things right so he’s says nothing at all. He then simmers until he can’t stand it any longer.

I’ve got to say he has learnt from me without even realising,  how to interact better. Things are better between H and both of our sons. But you know, I feel they are more mine than his. I have a better relationship with them but, again, his relationships are his responsibility. I can’t fix things, he has to change himself if he wants that.

LP
Logged

     The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing & to watch someone else doing it wrong, without comment. ~ T.H. White
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
PeaceMom
Ambassador
***
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 143


« Reply #11 on: July 13, 2019, 07:28:22 AM »

MomSA and LP and anyone else who can relate,

My DH is right there too and I am sometimes the buffer when he gets upset.  It is painful to even share here about times when I’ve heard him escalate and had to jump up and hurry out to “check on things”. As explosive as DD can be, I’ve told my DH we aren’t allowed to react in kind and we must become super human to avoid it. I have a funny carton picture of Superman and Wonderwoman that I will text him as a reminder!

I’ve found if I involve myself as the voice of reason and use SET with him he simmers down. We are all adults legally and can remove ourself from situations we don’t like in theory, but we all live here so I can’t just sit by and watch ineffective harmful communication so feel I must jump in.

Tricky stuff and no clear answers here.
Logged
FaithHopeLoveKC
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Child
Posts: 696



« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2019, 08:04:16 AM »

The biggest conflict I have had with my H is he does not have the same boundaries with my son that I have. But over time we are coming closer together and unifying our approach. It took time though. I encourage all of you to not give up

Hugs
Faith
Logged
StressedOutDaily
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 113



« Reply #13 on: July 13, 2019, 10:45:27 AM »

I wanted to jump into this thread...and also want to start by saying my H is a wonderful man, great husband and father, but we are struggling right now with very different points of view on treatment for our BPD D 16yo, which is causing a strain.

The T's are recommending residential - which you all know is financially unbelievably expensive.   

I am feeling that we are running out of time and need to get her into treatment asap, he is dragging his feet and doesn't want to spend any $.

I am of the  POV that this is our daughter, let's do what we have to do to get her the help she needs...and its only money (that we don't really have). 

H on the other hand is extremely hesitant to drain our savings, put ourselves in more debt (we are so close to being debt free) for no guarantees of having a stable healthy child when treatment is done, and not knowing if we will need another type of placement (Boarding school, private school, etc that will cost even more $)when the RTC is done.   

I am trying to see this from his POV....he grew up with a younger brother who had mental illness from a young age - Bipolar/schizophrenic.  He was in and out of RTC, hospitals, etc.  It caused a lot of stress and chaos in his family, his brother is now 55 and has been living in a lockdown unit of a nursing home for the past 6 years.   They do not really have any relationship and he is very bitter about the energy and attention his mother gave and still gives to his brother at the exclusion of everyone else.  (lots of baggage there)  I did not grow up with anyone in my family having MI - our daughter is my first intimate experience with this.   

I have tried discussing this with him, and he pretty much shuts down.  I think I am going to try to make this the subject of our next session with our T, when she is back from vacation.

As far as the way we both view our D ...I am finally able to see her behaviors as the result of her illness. (of course I that doesn't mean I am skillful 100% of the time, probably not even 70%) I realize that she isn't doing these things on purpose, and if she knew how to regulate her emotions, and had the skills to do things differently she would, but she is not there yet, which is why she needs an RTC.   H still thinks she is doing the stuff she does just to piss us off most of the time...but he is getting there. 

~SOD


Logged
MomSA
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Child
Posts: 126



« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2019, 07:28:09 AM »

I have tried discussing this with him, and he pretty much shuts down.  I think I am going to try to make this the subject of our next session with our T, when she is back from vacation.
~SOD

I am sorry for your struggles. Sometimes the only way to get resolution when we are on such opposite sides of the spectrum is by having a 3 neutral party to help us navigate the discussions.
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!