Responding vs. Reacting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

There was some confusion over the weekend on who was supposed to be taking care of S4. Apparently it was me because I no sooner stepped in my door after work and got a message from his mom and a call from daycare. This all made me pretty nervous. I truly thought that it was his mom’s weekend. I’m glad to have him any chance that I get and she knows that. I discussed it briefly with his mom, and after a healthy dose of guilt, let her take the reigns. I apologized to his daycare and thanked them for being patient. I tried to initiate a solution. We do this month as it is (every other weekend and one night during the week. Me having first and third) with me taking him next weekend, and we can reset the schedule next month. She would have no part of it. I got a stern “you’ll not be seeing him next weekend because it’s mine.” That’s where I took a pause. I thought and I realized that even if I argued, stated solid facts and made the situation about our Son, nothing would change. I simply said “ok.”

There is a calendar that she is supposed to keep updated for who he’s with and when. She doesn’t keep up with it very well. She’s the one that put it in place. I told her to keep the calendar updated.

Aside from all of the details, I usually would’ve reacted to her, tried to negotiate why he should be with me (his father) next weekend and pushed with facts. The outcome would’ve been the same as me simply saying “ok.”. I did feel a lot of anxiety during the exchange, but it wasn’t prolonged. I kept my composure and came out of it fairly quick with the use of some tools. I didn’t react and finally see the benefit of that. I let go. It might sound silly, but in a way it feels like a tiny victory. Not that I beat her in anything. Nobody wins in that arena, but that, in a small way, I overcame a part of myself that hasn’t served me well at all for a long time.

[JNChell]

There was some confusion over the weekend on who was supposed to be taking care of S4. Apparently it was me because I no sooner stepped in my door after work and got a message from his mom and a call from daycare. This all made me pretty nervous. I truly thought that it was his mom’s weekend. I’m glad to have him any chance that I get and she knows that. I discussed it briefly with his mom, and after a healthy dose of guilt, let her take the reigns. I apologized to his daycare and thanked them for being patient. I tried to initiate a solution. We do this month as it is (every other weekend and one night during the week. Me having first and third) with me taking him next weekend, and we can reset the schedule next month. She would have no part of it. I got a stern “you’ll not be seeing him next weekend because it’s mine.” That’s where I took a pause. I thought and I realized that even if I argued, stated solid facts and made the situation about our Son, nothing would change. I simply said “ok.”

There is a calendar that she is supposed to keep updated for who he’s with and when. She doesn’t keep up with it very well. She’s the one that put it in place. I told her to keep the calendar updated.

Aside from all of the details, I usually would’ve reacted to her, tried to negotiate why he should be with me (his father) next weekend and pushed with facts. The outcome would’ve been the same as me simply saying “ok.”. I did feel a lot of anxiety during the exchange, but it wasn’t prolonged. I kept my composure and came out of it fairly quick with the use of some tools. I didn’t react and finally see the benefit of that. I let go. It might sound silly, but in a way it feels like a tiny victory. Not that I beat her in anything. Nobody wins in that arena, but that, in a small way, I overcame a part of myself that hasn’t served me well at all for a long time.

[Leonis]

There is a calendar that she is supposed to keep updated for who he’s with and when. She doesn’t keep up with it very well. She’s the one that put it in place. I told her to keep the calendar updated.

If she isn't doing it, you need to. I send out an email, as documented proof, which days I will have my son for each month. When there are more complex arrangements due to holidays, etc. I send out that email ahead of time.

Aside from all of the details, I usually would’ve reacted to her, tried to negotiate why he should be with me (his father) next weekend and pushed with facts.

What does your court order say? Also, it's worth knowing about the statutes on parent time in your jurisdiction. My ex is disagreeable person, but the state I live in has clear guideline for parent times in case the parties disagree.

As for not reacting, good on ya. It took me a while to not take the bait. It used to be she starts something and usually winded up being how "she's hurt by my response and never want to communicate to me again" blah blah blah.

[JNChell]

Thanks for your response. There is no standing court order at this time. I don’t want court and I don’t think she does either. She’s in charge of the calendar and I don’t have access to it. Thank you for the encouragement.

[Leonis]

Thanks for your response. There is no standing court order at this time. I don’t want court and I don’t think she does either. She’s in charge of the calendar and I don’t have access to it. Thank you for the encouragement.

That's the exact arrangements my ex wanted it before all the court drama. She wanted no court, no custody order, and just us two "working together" and then split the cost of child care.

It did not sit well with me because if anything goes awry, I would have no legal grounds to back me up.

Of course, when I mentioned that I wanted things done legally to protect us both, she flipped out and came the narrative of her being a rape/domestic abuse victim. She returned to her parents' house instead of living at the place where she signed a lease a few months prior to birth.

In essence, this is a form of control she is exerting on you.

[JNChell]

I empathize with your situation, but mine is not your’s. The dynamics are different. I started this thread to hopefully discuss Responding vs. Reacting, but I’ll redirect for the sake of the current conversation. If it’s ok with you, the ball is your’s now, and I’m happy to talk with you. I sense a lot of bitterness and things that are unresolved between you and your ex. Let’s talk about that. I’ve not read your back story, so grant me passage. I believe that we both might take something away from the convo.

[Leonis]

I empathize with your situation, but mine is not your’s. The dynamics are different. I started this thread to hopefully discuss Responding vs. Reacting, but I’ll redirect for the sake of the current conversation. If it’s ok with you, the ball is your’s now, and I’m happy to talk with you. I sense a lot of bitterness and things that are unresolved between you and your ex. Let’s talk about that. I’ve not read your back story, so grant me passage. I believe that we both might take something away from the convo.

Apologies if I come across that way.

The initial thought of reading the dynamic just screams unfair to you and a potential powder keg for mishaps. There's no need to divert the conversation here. I am just typing my thoughts out as I go.

From the sound of it, you have a pretty good handle of how to respond to unpleasant situations. Kudos to you. As long as you believe this is the best arrangement for your child, not just you.

[JNChell]

Unfair left the building a while ago. There’s no sense in me thinking in those terms. It doesn’t matter. The powder keg happened a while back.

As much as I sometimes wish that things could somehow work out between his mom and I, they never will. Not in a healthy way. I can’t stay with that hope hope anymore. It’s pointless and counterproductive. Quite honestly, I feel like an ass for the way that I’ve handled things. I could blame away, but the proof is in the pudding for both of us. It’s important to keep ourselves in check and recognize what we contributed. I understand that anger can make it all about them, but it took us both. What part did you play in the dysfunction?

[Leonis]

Being normal. That’s all there is to it. She lost control of the situation when I wanted things down in black and white.

I don’t believe in being walked all over because of some sad persons’s mental illness.

I have a son to worry about.

And her being dishonest with communications of his health and unwillingness to do her share of the work will not work out in the long run.

I don’t believe in being defamed by her by her telling bs victim stories to our child’s medical professionals, which cause problems with me asking relevant questions.

These are not things I could just respond and not react.

Because by me being a passive sob, the child suffers.

[Leonis]

Just to add, in my jurisdiction, the only thing protecting my rights is through legal venues.

My ex and I were never married. I would be foolish to let her have “word of mouth” or “mutual agreement”. That’s called setting yourself up for when she takes the child far away legally without your consent.

[Starfire]

I wasn't married to and didn't have children with my BPD ex, so I can't relate to respond/react after the dissolution of the relationship. However, I did attempt (with the guidance of my therapist) to implement responses rather than reactions when I was still trying to make it work.  Thing is, he was never satisfied with a response.  His entire goal was to get a reaction, and he would continue with the crazy until he got one. He exhibited much more perseverance in that respect than I did.

As a side note and hopefully not to belabor the point, but I also live in a jurisdiction where the lack of a legal agreement would leave me and my son's father (not the BPD ex) with freedom to move him hundreds, even thousands of miles away with no recourse available to the other parent.

[JNChell]

Leonis, these are crappy situations any way we look at them. I’m sure that you’ve tried to find a positive in it all since you have a Son with her. Have you been able to really bury the sword and take the high ground with her? I’m asking because this is where I’m at with things. It’s hard to validate an ex that has hurt us in these ways. Maybe, when we put our feelings aside and deal with them properly, it works out better for the kids.

There’s a lot to learn within this community. It’s impossible to take it all in at once. As hard as it may be for you, I encourage you to look at your situation differently. Validating your ex and maybe learning a few canned phrases might be worth putting some effort into. Listening with empathy (I know that’s a hard one) will tie into the aforementioned.

I’m not sure about the jurisdictional law regarding my child being moved thousands of miles away. I don’t believe she’s a flight risk. She has too much here that she relies on.

Try responding. Pick three things that are very difficult between the two of you when negotiating or having an argument. Come up with ways to respond and not react (or further inflame the situation). We’ll help if you’re interested.

[JNChell]

Hi, Starfire. Perhaps your therapist knew what was up. This is just a guess. You asked your therapist for guidance, it was given. “How do I communicate...?” Respond, don’t react. That didn’t work out for you. It may have been more hurtful.

He wanted a reaction out of you. You eventually grew tired of it and left. Nobody wants to be poked like that constantly. I think you responded in a necessary way. You left the situation because it was hurting you. That’s a response.

[Leonis]

Validating your ex and maybe learning a few canned phrases might be worth putting some effort into. Listening with empathy (I know that’s a hard one) will tie into the aforementioned.

Try responding. Pick three things that are very difficult between the two of you when negotiating or having an argument. Come up with ways to respond and not react (or further inflame the situation). We’ll help if you’re interested.

There's no need for that. No amount of validation and responding will soothe her when I'm about to embark on custody review.

[JNChell]

Understood. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through that. Personally, I never imagined anything like this ever happening. I remember the day that my Son was born. It felt like all the stars were aligned and that nothing could come between s4’s mom and I. Now, here we are at opposite ends of our worlds.

One positive that I can take away from the situation is that now I’m actually able to be a parent as I really wasn’t while under the same roof with his mom. She’s very controlling. I’m able to show him something different than the chaos of his mom’s household. Hang in there man. I know that you’ll do what’s best for your child.

[once removed]

since we are talking about Responding vs Reacting

Validating your ex and maybe learning a few canned phrases

JNChell, the co-parenting tools, and co-parenting in general are not about pats on the head or using a few canned phrases. thats talking down to another person, and it wont work with anyone.

the co-parenting tools, and improving a co-parenting relationship in general, are about understanding our responses and reactions (often high conflict and making matters worse) and theirs (often high conflict, rejection sensitive and sensitive to perceived slights or criticisms), and changing ours to be more productive/constructive for better outcomes, or at the very least, not making matters worse.

make sense?

[JNChell]

once removed, yes, what said does make sense. The thing is, is that if what you’ve stated is solid, it contradicts what my psychologist has taught me in therapy. I remember the day she asked, “would you like to hear some phrases and responses that can help you communicate with emotionally manipulative people?” I feel like I’m in a bit of a pickle here.

[once removed]

it contradicts what my psychologist has taught me in therapy. I remember the day she asked, “would you like to hear some phrases and responses that can help you communicate with emotionally manipulative people?”

shes teaching you examples.

just like learning "i statements" or "feeling statements", we use examples as a starting point until we get the hang of it and do it naturally.

but sincerity, context of the relationship (we all use a slightly different language with different people) and sounding like ourselves are key. if you use canned phrases with anyone, especially someone youve been involved with and share a child with, theyre going to see through it.

[JNChell]

Got it. Thanks!