Broke up again, but I truly believe there is still hope for us

[NeverEnoughMan]

Hi everyone,
First, I want to thank everyone for being a part of this community.  The information and advice has been so helpful.  I have never even joined or posted in any forums, ever, but this feels like the right thing to do and what I need to help me.  I know my story isn't uncommon or more important, but I feel so frustrated because I have so much I want to express or get opinions on.  I also feel the need to explain my background, her background and the issues we're facing.  So much information, that it would be ridiculous to try and put it all down in one post.

Essentially, I've been broken up with, for the 5th time now, by my exBPD girlfriend.  I'm hurt, as I usually am, and I've always suspected traits of mental illness.  She's undiagnosed, does not have health insurance and she's "hinted" that she realizes she has difficulties.  Such as crying stating, "I don't know what's wrong with me, please don't give up on me", at one point during our relationship.  We broke up a week ago, been together almost two years.  August 11, 2019 would technically be our 2 year anniversary.

For now, what I want to say is, I am almost 100% positive that she has undiagnosed BPD, based on the information I've read online, her background and the familiar stories I've read here.  I have been "recycled" a few times, once she came back in one week, once it was two weeks, and once it was a month.  I honestly, want to be with her again.  She does have traits of BPD, but just as much, doesn't have them all or fit every criteria exactly.  This is what gives me hope of still being able to have a relationship with her.  I feel much more prepared and will continue my education on this subject, but I still don't feel like this is the end.  

I am depressed.  I am hurting thinking of her with someone else, either romantically or physically.  Sometimes I even believe others are using her or taking advantage of her, and I'm not sure if she knows that or if she does, is fine with that.  I haven't been perfect in our relationship, but some of that is due to not understanding her behaviors, words, accusations...so I did what I would do usually and defended myself.  Not angry, not yelling (though it has come to that) but in the most honest, constructive way I know how.

Something tells me I will be posting much more on these boards.  But for now, I do want to say, that I want her back.  I want to be with her.  I truly believe in my heart that there is still hope for us.  As of now, I'm giving her space.  I don't use social media (she does), I don't live very close to her (40 minutes) and other than meeting her in person or calls/texts, I don't have much to interact with her on.  I don't know if I should be contacting her at all, should I try to 'win' her back, should I just leave her be and let her figure things out?  I'm lost, wounded and confused.  I would appreciate any feedback, reassurance, stories, or positive outlooks on people who want her back/got her back/have ways of helping to get her back.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi NeverEnoughMan, and

I'm glad you found us but I am so sorry you are going through so much pain.

Can you tell us some more about your relationship? What happened that led to the breakup?

What led to your reconciliations the previous times you broke up?

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

[Longterm]

Hi NeverEnoughMan and Welcome.

I know my story isn't uncommon or more important, but I feel so frustrated because I have so much I want to express or get opinions on.  I also feel the need to explain my background, her background and the issues we're facing.  So much information, that it would be ridiculous to try and put it all down in one post.

Its important to you and we are here to listen, feel free to express anything you wish. We understand how upsetting these break ups can be.

LT

[NeverEnoughMan]

Thank you both for replying.  I honestly, do not know what is wrong right now, but I just cannot reply.  I feel like there is just too much to say, even in the past few days, that I don't even know where to begin.  I don't have any motivation to explain, although I realize you are here to listen and help.  I'm in a place of complete confusion and hopelessness.  I hope to return to the forum another time, but for now, I just cannot put into words my despair.  It's more than I can deal with and I could write a novel about the beginnings, the ups and downs, who I am and what I've dealt with before and after this relationship, etc.  But I just don't have it in me.  I can't verbalize this pain.  Thank you for replying to my original post. 

[Longterm]

  again NeverEnoughMan.

We understand, we can all relate to how difficult it can be at times to put into words what you have experienced.
We are here when you want to talk.

LT.