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Author Topic: Back again, I can’t break the cycle  (Read 586 times)
KarmasReal
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« on: July 22, 2019, 04:34:48 PM »

Hello all, I haven’t posted for a long while because I thought I had a grasp on things with my bpd ex, I can say now I don’t so much. Too summarize our relationship, we met five years ago, have broken up 7 times now since then, through the first 3 years she cheated on me a couple of different times, once with her ex husband, who she said destroyed her and ruined her life, but she sleeps with him, confusing. She had a drinking problem and would flirt sometimes in front of me, with anyone around, didn’t matter, she would insult me, sometimes after we had gotten back together she would tell me in detail about her having sex with some guy or girl or both. Yes it was stomach turning to hear this from someone I had sacrificed and loved. Most recently in the last two years we actually moved in together, it was not fun, I actually had given up and I started having affairs with other women which she knew about or at least suspected, I normally wouldn’t ever have done that but I think I was just so heated down I didn’t care. During that time she became pregnant with my child and had an abortion due to us not getting along her thinking I wouldn’t stay and or help take care of the child, although nothing is further from the truth, I have always wanted to be a father. After that I’m sure you can guess we booked up and left the house, although for some reason I made a stupid last ditch effort and said I would marry her at some point, but she said too late.

So there’s the recap after that she blocked me on everything social media wise, which she never did before and I thought it was really done. I was dating a little bit dating these days seems impossibly hard bpd girl or regular , so they never really turned into anything. Then I get a 4 am drunk dial from her and she doesn’t say anything call her back doesn’t answer, that was about 2 months ago. I was dealing with everything a little bit that made me take a step back, next day she posts something about making awkward situations when she’s drunk, referring to the call I’m sure.

Fast forward two months to Friday night, I’m with my friend going to my favorite bar and who is sitting outside the bar facing the door, you got it my ex. She sees me I see her, obviously, I was drunk and so being stupid I went up to her and started talking she was being difficult kind of insulting but also always responding, I think she enjoyed making me feel bad or hurting me and then she goes down a little and is sitting with some acquaintance friends of mine trying to drunkenly make me jealous and hurt me more I can only assume. So we end up separated for a bit she goes inside and then closing and she and her friend left and I started freaking out, it really felt like ptsd because I’ve been in many similar situations with her, is she going to drink and drive, do drugs, screw one of my friends. So I called her and text her she would answer then she wouldn’t she would respond and then stop. Then at almost the morning time I gave up and was going to bed then she calls me and we talk and she says we can hang out now so I drove up to where she lives, 15 minutes from my town, and we met at a outside garden.

It was a Sierra experience and also a familiar we both acted like nothing was a big deal, she said things to get a rise out of me and hurt me, like she was drinking and going out all the time, having sex with her ex again and then insulting him, then insulting me then saying how much she was hurt by me and then I was sexy but I was horrible. Then she proceeds to hook up with me, but not in a passionate sexual way, she literally just started performing oral sex on me, in a somewhat degrading display which also makes no sense. We talked some more and I thought things between us were a little more cool and not as anger filled as before. Then a day or two later she posts on Instagram something about when you see your ex for the first time and two people making angry faces, and another saying something about when your ex finds ways to creep on you, because I told her I could still see her Instagram even though I was blocked.

I’m sure there are all kinds of things to take away from this, main one being don’t involve yourself in bpd relationships if you value sanity. But this is starting to look like some game she’s playing to me now, why run away then call then insult then hook up with me then be cool with me then post things like that a day later? Since that day, a few days ago, I’ve been more depressed and anxious than ever, because now I don’t know what’s going on and I’m even afraid to go out or go on a date if she’s somewhere or able to see. This all was proof that she can pop up at any moment and just cut chunks out of my heart for no reason. What do you guys make of this whole fiasco? Thanks for your support.
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MeandThee29
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 977


« Reply #1 on: July 22, 2019, 05:25:09 PM »

Hello all, I haven’t posted for a long while because I thought I had a grasp on things with my bpd ex, I can say now I don’t so much. Too summarize our relationship, we met five years ago, have broken up 7 times now since then, through the first 3 years she cheated on me a couple of different times, once with her ex husband, who she said destroyed her and ruined her life, but she sleeps with him, confusing.

This first paragraph is telling. This is not a stable person that you want to be around. Your recent experience confirms it.

You care because you are a caring person, but this is not someone you want to have anything to do with. No, it doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to make sense. Trying to reason with her is not going to happen. You need to let go.
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Ecan

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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Posts: 44


« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2019, 08:52:20 PM »

Hello KaramsReal,
I feel your pain and not sure how to help so I will try this.

Today I'm having a hard time dealing with life.This will be the first time in 14 years my ex and I  have not spoke for 3 months. I can see myself in your situation. In my mind...I would want another chance to be with my ex. So anything that might  take place between us it would get filtered through my wants.

 The reality is that the  reason she convinced herself to walk away from me isn't going to go far from her mind. So the encounter for her might even have been for an ego trip.

I let it happen because I wanted something more. She's the one in control like she had been through out the relationship.

 I stupidly allowed myself to take all her harassment as a ends to a means,and it showed her she was still in control. In reality that's boring to her and showing her I haven't changed. She wants someone who's got there stuff together that she can't push around. She wants to feel wanted with a force I simply do not possess.

So after wards I would get depressed and even worried about her seeing me go out because she has a hold over me ,that I don't understand.I don't want to let her go. I am a prisoner to all of this and I just don't have it in me to live life for myself.. I would rather live life fighting for or against something out side myself. (my ex)WTF. No matter what I'm still trapped. How do I get out?
 
I thought that may be if you read from my imagined experience with my ex it might help.
What advice would you give me would that advice help you?


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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2019, 05:49:33 PM »

But this is starting to look like some game she’s playing to me now, why run away then call then insult then hook up with me then be cool with me then post things like that a day later?

It sounds like she's destabilized for the time being - you said so yourself that you're walking on eggshells around her because she's impulsive you don't know what she's going to do next.

I think that there is still an attachment there - a pwBPD never truly detach and I think that you're attached as well. A pwBPD will test you from time to time to see if you're still attached so that you might be a fall back plan.

My best guess with IG is that for now it sounds like you're split black, you said that you've never experienced her pushing you away this much in the past. This is push behaviour judging by your history together and how she's acting I don't think that the r/s is completely done.

My advise to you is that it doesn't matter what she wants what matters is what you want.

Maybe it's a good time to put romantic r/s's on pause to take care of  yourself and to give yourself space and time to self reflect giving yourself the ability to see things more clearly. I think that right now it's probably hard for you to see the whole picture because you're to close to it time and distance away from a SO can give you a clearer perspective on what's really going on and it gives you time to sort out your feelings and what you really want.

What are your thoughts on that?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
KarmasReal
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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Posts: 171


« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2019, 12:10:01 AM »

Hey Mutt!

Yes I would say she’s destabilized, I’ve noticed over the years especially when we break up, she gets almost manic, lots of risky behavior, drinking, drugs, going out, etc. When I saw her this seemed to be where she was once again.

It is strange that I agree, based on the drunkdial, the messages between us thay night, her calling and seeing me and the hookup, that she is not fully detached, Th opposite of love is not hate it is indifference, and she seemed more hateful and spiteful, but also like she still wanted to see me and was kind of backhand complimenting me too. I thought for as much as we went through there would be no chance she would do that, because of my cheating our abortion her indiscretions and moving out of our house but I guess maybe that is not so.
The truth is she said she was sleeping with her ex husband again which she has before and they went through all the things I just mentioned too! Weird that she’s doing that and hooking up with me that day too. So I’m not even sure how much of what she says to me is true or a lie to hurt me.

She’s not been dating or anything besides supposedly hooking up with him and going out to bars, which she can not do that often, doesn’t sound like she’s trying to make a future move and “get on with her life” which confuses me more, even when her and her ex husband broke up we got together about 3 months later, she’s not even attempting that now.

As for IG maybe split black, I definitely think she’s triangulated me and her ex and made him the good one now, this has happened before, because first he was an asshole who did bad things, now she tells me at least he was nicer to me and I’m an asshole. The truth is she likes assholes anyways so I don’t know. And this is probably the 3rd time maybe she’s done this triangle swap with me and him as the main players. Like I said he’s engaged with two kids so I see nothing but a failure like the other times it’s happened, so I don’t know why she’s so stupid. And she’s definitely pushed me away as much in the past, it’s just that usually when something like this happens, we end up dating and back together, although this time we haven’t spoken since. This however is the first time I’ve contributed to the break up so I think that is a huge reason!

As for what I want, just to not feel so low, she’s the best at making me feel low for loving someone with her lowly just abhorrent behavior and how she acts is sickening, I want her to have some standards or values, maybe just for the fact that I won’t believe I’m such a low person. I don’t believe we could ever work, really that her and anyone could, but I do miss her regardless, I want to learn to detach but she is uncanny at never letting that happen, 7 recycles, plus this last thing, I almost feel as if I have PTSD from being through what I have with her, and I need to fix that as well, I just feel by understanding her actions it helps me do this.

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HarborBP
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« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2019, 08:53:47 AM »

Excerpt
The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference,

Hi KR, this is a really good point you make. Leaves me wondering which of the attitudes makes it easier to detach and move on, hate or indifference? For me, my exbpdgf's displays of hatred make it more difficult to heal. I am guessing this is because I have trouble having any interaction with another human being end with feelings of hatred.

HarborBP
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2019, 03:01:18 PM »


As for IG maybe split black, I definitely think she’s triangulated me and her ex and made him the good one now, this has happened before,

She subconsciously created an outlet because of stress in the main relationship when you add a third element into the mix it shifts that stress that's become difficult to cope with directly.

I want to learn to detach but she is uncanny at never letting that happen, 7 recycles,

You said that this is the first time that she has pushed like this - isn't that the perfect time to detach when she's quiet on her end? Are you comparing it to the other break-ups where she wasn't pushing you like she is now? Are you worried about what will happen when she comes back?
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KarmasReal
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Posts: 171


« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2019, 06:12:14 PM »

Hi Mutt,

I guess I was holding onto idealized thoughts of her and guilt in my part of the relationship failing that I was holding on. Funny story I ran into her again last night after being invited out by a friend. She was sloppy drunk, and kept push pulling me the whole time, saying she hated me, then kissing me, spilling beer on me, then trying to touch me suggestively, I feel a need to watch out for her but when she started trying to flirt in front of me I told her friend I was out and left, I was proud I did that. But she called me twice in 5 mins to get me to come back. Then she’s like I don’t want to ever see you, then she buys me a drink, then she could have been driven home by her friend she hops in my car and says she wants to go with me. She of course is all over me and we do have sex. The next day on the drive back she was being more angry with me and we or at least I was trying to talk out our feelings.

It came to be found out the other night before she met up with me she went home with a group of my acquaintances, I don’t know what happened or who because she wouldn’t say but something definitely did! Right before her calling me and hanging out with me and hooking up with me! Let me tell you these guys are not anywhere near my class either, which bothers me even more that she will hook up with allmkost anything if she’s drunk or it will hurt someone, and I guess deep down she did it to hurt me, at least I hope that’s why, if she’s that much of a tramp there’s no hope, I know bpd are highly sexual but if you can’t filter at all that’s bad. Once I found this out I told her I wouldn’t ever talk to or be around her again. Basically have a nice life as she was trying to hug and kiss me.
An hour later she sent me a joking message that said “I already feel pregnant” as she was not on birth control and didn’t tell me, an inappropriate joke considering our history. I ignored it, she sent another later saying “you’re ignoring me now, PLEASE READ you”, and I ignored it. I think I’ve finally cleared the idealization fog and I see her for what she is, and I know I don’t ever want to be around that behavior again. So I think, for the first time, I am starting to detach!
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Wicker Man
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Attempting to reconcile after my affair.
Posts: 507


« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2019, 10:41:11 AM »


... “I already feel pregnant”... ...not on birth control... ...didn’t tell me... ...I am starting to detach!

Ummmm... I would like to offer some advice...  Firstly: If you are going to jump out of a plane wear a parachute...  Secondly:  Why would you jump out of a perfectly good plane?

I went back and read your posts from the beginning.  Your relationship has been problematic from the onset.  If you end up having a child with this woman your life will be forever altered.

Impulsive behavior as a dysfunctional coping mechanism seems common for people suffering from BPD -they will do things which are harmful to themselves in an attempt to momentarily avoid emotional pain or feelings of emptiness.  Ok...  Granted...  We have to accept these behaviors as a reality, we also must accept as a hash reality people suffering from BPD have a debilitating, tragic, and painful mental illness. 

We as neuro-typical people should not succumb to reckless impulsive and potentially catastrophic behavior.  As an example my undiagnosed ex proposed unprotected sex the first time we were together.  I told her we couldn't because 'It wouldn't be fair to either of us'.  She balled up and began crying.  It was a difficult moment for both of us -but it was the only sane action in my opinion.  She is breath taking -but so what? 

I am certainly no saint and made of flesh and bone as any other man-jack -but I also have never considered myself lucky -I simply know too much about statistics. 

Have you ever bought a lottery ticket knowing you will win?  Me either...

I loved this person deeply -but I am ever thankful our lives now no longer have any attachment, no point of contact.  She is, perhaps, the most wonderful and deeply damaged human beings I have met.  If we had pursued our relationship further I am quite certain it would have ended life as I know it.  Leaving her was hard, but once again I feel it was the only sane action on my part.

Take care of yourself.

Wicker Man

As a postscript...  Birth control is a mutual responsibility.  It is misogynistic (and foolish) to believe birth control is solely within the purview of women. 
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