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Author Topic: Getting back in touch with the man I love  (Read 235 times)
TheExFiancee

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« on: August 05, 2019, 02:31:22 AM »

Good morning BPD-Family,

I hope you have some helpful advice for me, because I miss my ex who I'm out of touch with.

I had the most beautiful long-distance relationship with a quiet BPD-man.
It is two years ago now that he broke up with me because I "made him feel put second" (I put my hobbies first and didn't understand his illness, which I have been working on immensely since the break up. That's why things fell apart in the first place).

Although we were broken up we promised each other to work on things..
That promise was forgotten as soon as he met somebody else.
The new girlfriend came out of nowhere and it broke my heart.
I offered my friendship cause I feel a lot of love for that man and wanted to keep him in my life in some way.

His new relationship didn't last long. They started an on-off thing (with months apart and only weeks together).
Whenever he was back together with her, he cut all ties with me (3 times).
The new girlfriend didn't want him to be in touch with me, and it was quite difficult to get back to talking with him but we always made it.
I had to go through a lot of rollercoaster-behaviour and abuse (he broke promises, was posting about his new relationships online in a really hurtful way for me - my therapist called it gaslighting, I can't even describe what he did and why it hurt me so).

Whenever things were going great between us a new short-term relationship came inbetween.
At least our friendship went well until summer. We have seen each other 2 months in a row although we are in a long distance situation and enjoyed ourselves. The friendship really was worth everything for me.
 

His new girlfriend broke up with him more than a year ago and I thought it was  over for good because she seemed to be done with him and started dating others. Then they came back together again for another time this summer.
After only a month they are broken up again, but she will have a baby from him which he desperately wants to care for.

During their relationship he deleted me everywhere without a word. We aren't friends on social media anymore since then. Now I'm wondering how I can get through to him again, cause I truly miss that man.
I've learned that not being pushy/needy works the best with him, that's why I didn't contact him for the past two months. They are broken up for only a week now, so I don't wanna rush things and reach out straightaway.

How would you approach this? I want our friendship back in the first place, but also our relationship that really was the most beautiful Thing ever.

Thank you
TheExFiancee
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TheExFiancee

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« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2019, 05:01:22 AM »

Any advice on how and when to get back in touch?
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2019, 09:40:14 AM »

Hi ExFiancee, and welcome! Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Sounds like you've been on quite a roller coaster. Many people here have been through similar situations: the on-and-off, the periods of no contact, the devaluation.

But to answer your question, you kind of answered it yourself. "Not being pushy/needy works the best with him." So, really, my guess would be if you try to contact him, it will not bring the result you're hoping for.

Also, you've got a pattern established with him and the reality is, if he hasn't gotten real therapy and isn't working on his problems, it's very unlikely he will change. The push/pull, on/off will continue (and this time, it sounds like, with a child involved, too). I understand your feelings for him. I think we can all get that. Relationships involving BPD can bring on some very intense feelings and emotions that are hard for others to "get". But you might want to take a very long look at the relationship as it has been and decide if that's what you want going forward.

You mentioned your therapist. What does your therapist think about it all?
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TheExFiancee

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« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2019, 10:42:08 AM »

Hey Ozzie,

thank you for anwsering!

We haven't been on and off during our relationship, just since we are just friends he keeps ending the frienship, then comes back.

I can imagine that it's too embarrassing for him admitting that he is getting a child and his relationship didn't work out AGAIN, cause he knows how much it's hurting me that he's dating other women. He's probably scared that I'll reject him if he tries to get back in touch, is that possible?

I didn't reach out for the past 2 months since they were back together and I'm wondering if after a few months, when he's getting used to living back at home with his parents, maybe that would be the right time to reach out?

No, he is not in therapy at the moment and I don't think he will do it on his own free will if he doesn't have anyone guiding him there.
I'd love to be the one helping him in that way.

I am not in therapy anymore. I just have been talking to someone to help me cope with the break up pain.
I've tried healthier relationships since my ex is gone, but whenever I'm with someone else, it only makes me miss him even more.

So I am sure that I am willing to do everything to get him back, even accepting a child that is not mine.

I was thinking about giving it another month or two, then texting him something light.
Maybe an easy "How is it going?" or just refering to something that makes me think of him?
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TheExFiancee

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« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2019, 08:29:55 AM »

Last night he liked a social media post from me.

While I am not all sure if he knows that the account is lead by me, what I've learned is that there is no coincidence in break ups and this probably was his first tiny kind of reaching out.

Should I just keep letting him come to me? Or does he need a sign that coming to me is alright although he's having a baby with someone else? I'm so unsure, I don't wanna chase him away
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2019, 08:59:46 AM »

I think it's fine to keep waiting for a while. If he reaches out, if you want to, then respond. Until then, if you want a relationship, I'd say it's best not to "jump the gun."
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« Reply #6 on: August 08, 2019, 01:01:03 AM »

his relationship really needs to finish playing out.

they may have been broken for a week, but it sounds like its heavy drama, and its on again and off again. theres a child on the way.

if he were to get back with you right now, and she came back, youd likely get the short end of the stick, thats just how it usually goes when theres an unresolved relationship.

it needs resolution before you want to be in the picture. thats likely going to take some time, and you really need to be sure.

Excerpt
that there is no coincidence in break ups and this probably was his first tiny kind of reaching out. I'm so unsure, I don't wanna chase him away

one of the number one things i see on this board is when an ex gently cracks the door open...unblocks...likes a post...maybe goes back to some of the places that the two frequented as a couple, those sorts of things, and thats mistaken for an invitation for contact or pursuit. this may be a sign that ice is melting, but its really important not to read too much into it, and over pursue.

Excerpt
I've learned that not being pushy/needy works the best with him

it works best with everyone. its strong. its attractive.

id hang in there for a bit...see if he takes any further steps. after that a "how ya doin" might be just fine.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
TheExFiancee

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« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2019, 03:52:00 AM »

Thanks for your advice Ozzie and once removed.

I don't think I can judge the situation from here .
All I can see is their social media behaviour. And this looks good to me:

It seems like she is done with him for good (unfriended him and even his whole family) and he is off of his romantic trip.
(He posts about what a horrible person she is. She won't let him be with her for the tests and childbirth although it is his first baby which he thinks is not fair).

It took him more than a year to get back together with her because she did not want him back.
(He has been mourning the relationship and was wondering why she wasn't willing to forgive one mistake.. until she did).

I know they have been fighting about me because he lied to her about still being in touch with me last year.

I am scared that he will avoid being in touch with me cause he is scared that this will annoy her = will make him see his child less.
At the same time: as being in touch with me is something that he knows would annoy her...
this could be a good re-opening for being in touch more again… + the possibility of falling in love.

He is not in therapy at the moment and I know things with us can fall apart just as fast if I got my second chance someday.

I did a lot of research on BPD though and I think that at least I could communicate and handle a relationship with him much better than most women out there who don't know anything about the disorder and bring their own drama into the relationship - just like I did before I fully understood what's going on.
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« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2019, 05:26:15 PM »

Excerpt
(He posts about what a horrible person she is)

even if they have broken up for good, this indicates there is still attachment. the two are butting heads, fighting the unresolved problems from their relationship - thats very different than grieving, letting go, moving on.

that could take a fair amount of time to resolve. are you prepared to wait for that to happen?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
TheExFiancee

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« Reply #9 on: August 14, 2019, 08:15:33 AM »

Hey once removed,

yes, I truly love that man and I am willing to wait.
I know a BPD relationship will keep bringing ups and downs into my life.
And without wanting to sound stuck up, I think me - knowing about the illness - will be able to hande this better than any other possible partner around him.

I haven't seen him posting about HER for a while now.

But although it's still 7 months until childbirth, he is obsessing about the baby now.
"I'm going to be a dad and I could not be more proud"
"I am buying baby stuff as soon as I get paid this month"
"I got toys for my son or daughter"

Let me tell you about the news:
After more than 2 months of no contact he now made contact with me on the social media platform I've just told you about.
He replied to one of my posts from a few weeks ago which makes me think that he looked back on my posts/caught up with what I did when we haven't been in touch.
I replied to his short message in a short and light way and so did he.
Then I let the conversation go without asking any further questions.
Again we are in no contact for nearly 2 days now and the baby posts are escalating even more since then.
I hope this made him realise that I am open to being in touch but not chasing (I did this a lot after the break up and it did not help).

He still does not know if I know about the baby. But his profile is making it so obvious and he also keeps telling all my friends on there that he's gonna be a dad soon (not my closest ones but the ones that we both are still in touch with).

I think he wants me to know about it but isn't brave enough to tell me/ too afraid of rejection?

Any advice on the next steps? Should I stay out of touch/let him come to me?

Thank you
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JerichoJax

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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2019, 10:11:27 AM »

I am in a similar situation however have never gotten to the friend stage.
You probably need to back off as others have advised.  Don't read anything into social media as my ex has been using it with me and honestly it changes back and forth which I am pretty sure is him splitting me white then back to black.  

What I realized this past weekend is that I am just working against myself.  He is probably splitting you black and white and what maybe happening is you reaching out maybe splitting you black.  He may even be twisting reaching out into you are trying to control.  

I feel like with my ex I am the only one that will be able to move him in the direction of therapy and as I am the only one he has lowered his mask with.  He has his family totally fooled with his mask and due to the dysfunction and heavy family enmeshment they will never believe he has issues.  I had no clue in fact until after the divorce when both my therapist in Fl and then in Oh told me that I was dealing with someone with BPD.

I have realized I have to just let him be and if he comes back he does ... anything I do to try to reach out will just result in him pulling back.  Second I am deeply now asking myself why am I doing this to myself and how is it effecting me.  I guess the bottom line for me has come down to I deserve better and as long as he is being enabled by his family nothing will change.  I have realized this may mean I have to accept he is permanently gone and if that is what happens it is what was meant to be.  Your mention of living with his mother I have to wonder do you have the same situation where his family is enabling him because of his mask ... if that is the case maybe you will have to do what I am doing and just step to the side and stay there.  
« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 10:17:49 AM by JerichoJax » Logged
TheExFiancee

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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2019, 10:23:07 AM »

Hello JerichoJax,

I can only imagine your pain. Sounds like the same kind of trouble that I am in for 2 years.

Yes, his parents are enabling him. They are giving him a home which he couldn't afford with his low paid job and they are cooking for him/cleaning his room if he doesn't. He's still a child in some way.

I'm still in touch with the family. His parents know that I only feel love for their son and they are still interacting with me a lot. Whenever I post something, they'll be the ones posting a comment first while he got me blocked on Facebook since our last fight (must have been in October or so!).

His Family = good people
But I don't know how he'll learn to grow while getting so much support there.

So you'd wait it out and not even reach out for his birthday or something (there are a few months to go until then)?
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FaithfulInLove
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« Reply #12 on: August 14, 2019, 03:05:53 PM »

I made the best experiences myself by staying silent and letting things play out in their own time
 
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TheExFiancee

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« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2019, 01:50:32 AM »

Hey thank you so much!

I got a friend request last night and I accpted.
No further messages yet. I'm letting him come to me.
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« Reply #14 on: August 15, 2019, 02:05:43 PM »

Excerpt
No further messages yet. I'm letting him come to me.

thats a good plan. be cool 
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
TheExFiancee

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« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2019, 03:39:53 PM »

This is the longest phase of being not in touch since I got to know him, so it scares me a lot.

Thank you for your encouragement.

So you're saying no contact often is the best way to not overwhelm your person with BPD?
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« Reply #16 on: August 19, 2019, 10:55:10 AM »

Excerpt
So you're saying no contact often is the best way to not overwhelm your person with BPD?

no. "no contact" is a detaching tool, if you are going through a breakup.

the best way to not overwhelm someone is to read the situation, let them lead, and respect their space.

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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