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Author Topic: I’m surprised she hasn’t quit  (Read 863 times)
jinglebells1989
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« on: August 15, 2019, 09:21:10 AM »

Hi all

I’ve made a few posts lately about a woman I dated that I work with who I’m pretty sure has bpd. The relationship only lasted 4 months and I was the one to end it.

It’s been 6 months since we broke up. Now this woman is a very insecure person. She hates being the center of attention and is VERY self concious about what others think about her.

In the fallout of the break up she wouldn’t stop trying to get my attention at work. The worst of it was flirting with other guys. She even put stuff on my car. She put a metal spoon behind my license plate. That’s vandalism as far as I’m concerned so I finally went to management about it and it got ugly. The HR director from another office got involved.

So after all of that I’m surprised she hasn’t quit. I would think she’d be so embarasssed at this point she would leave. I still do catch her staring at me from time to time. I guess my question is do you think she’s still hanging around because she wants to re engage me at some point? I realize that may be my ego talking but why else would she keep starring at me? Why else would someone like her continue to show up at an office where she has basically made a complete fool of herself at?

Like eveyone else on these forums I do at times still harbor these secret thoughts of her realizing the error of her ways and coming back to me with a sincere apology and us getting together but i realize that is unrealistic and dangerous thinking on my end. The other end of this equation is the fact that I realize she has probably already slept with other guys at work and probably at this point couldnt care less about me. I know for a fact I could have gotten back together with her as she was trying to re engage me hard a few months after the breakup. But since she refused to apologize or even acknowledge what she did I cut her off completely.

I won’t lie there are days I really miss her and seeing her everyday is gettting brutal. I really wish she would just quit but I realize, for whatever reason, she doesn’t seem to be going in that direction.

So my question is why the hell has she not quit yet? Do you think she still is thinking about me?
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2019, 11:02:31 AM »

Hey JB, What makes you think she has BPD?  Your question about why she hasn't quit suggests to me that you are still emotionally involved on some level.  Detaching involves reaching a place of indifference.  You're not there yet, which is OK.  I have a question: Why do you think you got involved w/her in the first place?  Maybe that answer can help you understand why it's hard for you to let go.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2019, 11:31:30 AM »

Hi JingleBells1989,

I agree with LuckyJim that this is that much more difficult when you are emotionally attached - set a goal to work towards detachment and indifference.

With that in mind and what I mean by that is not making the current situation personal she probably needs the job like most people and that’s why she hasn’t quit.,
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« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2019, 10:09:13 PM »

JB1989.  The  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) with her. Lucky Jim is right. Bro , why would we.ever want to go through this again?
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« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2019, 08:04:37 PM »

Hi JingleBells

Ive worked in offices, something like a spoon behind a number plate, it would be seen as an office prank. Someone who does not see the funny side of it - ok that is what HR is for.

Scratch a car, destroy stuff, different story.

She can flirt with, sleep with. whoever she likes, it is none of your business.

If being the office-slut gives her a sense of an identity, that she holds on to, that makes her feel real. Then it is more than just income. Maybe she is not embarrassed. Maybe she has slept with the boss and knows that it her job is safe.
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2019, 08:50:59 PM »

Going to have to completely disagree with the last post. This was a metal spoon that was jammed behind my license plate. The plate itself was bent. Before that, she had put a bunch of post it notes on the hood of my car. Nothing funny about it and whoever would consider either one of those as “funny”, is clearly mentally retarded.

As far as these other BS comments about “why would you care?” I mean how stupid of a response is that? I dated the girl for 4 months. Had tons of sex and “I love you”’s between us. Who wouldn’t care? And if she didn’t still want to mess with my head then why do I STILL catch her staring at me at work?

This chick is a legit bpd so please don’t insult my own intelligence by giving me these boilerplate “why do you care?” Responses. I’m genuinely trying to figure out a way to deal with this in the most healthy, productive way I can. Any Disneyland or fairly take advice, don’t even bother positing it.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #6 on: August 18, 2019, 11:08:24 PM »

JingleBells

I have not at any time asked "why do you care" let alone have I even asked a question at all. As much as my advice - I have not given any - you have not asked for any.

Staring: Is it a long menancing stare, is it a glimpse of her glancing at you then looking away. Details are important. Context is important. You both work in an office.

what do I make out of a contradiction: "im pretty sure she had bpd" which so quickly changes into "she is legit bpd"

Put yourself in a position where you have the disadvantage of not knowing all that has happened, what is still happening, that there are two sides to every story, you have one side and it is conflicted one.

What is it you actually want - to rant about her flirting with other guys whilst you (no longer a secret) secretly want her back? thats fine.
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2019, 06:44:19 AM »

Lol what use is this forum when people like Cromwell subtly jab and put down others in his responses. Overall I am managing the situation well at work but every now and then need to make a post on here or reddit just to vent.

No I don’t want her back but I did catch very strong feelings for her when I dated her. I experienced the raging over small matters and saw her self harm. She checked off 6 of the dsm criteria stop asking me if I’m sure or not whether she has bpd. Also i have been the one to enforce and remain nc. She’s tried multiple times to reengage me.

It’s just hard seeing her everyday. It’s too bad we couldn’t be friendly with one another at work but she wouldn’t have that. After all the drama and bullPLEASE READ she put me through while I dated her, I refused to simple just move on and be friendly at work unless she offered me a genuine apology. I tried, once, to elicite that apology from her but she refuses to acknowledge she even did anything wrong. That response on top of her atrocious behavior at work (VANDALISM of my car and flirting, probably sleeping with, other guys at work) and I’ve decided she’s an enemy for life. That’s why I went to management. I’d had enough of the subtle harassment. The nuclear incident that causes me to go to management was one day I got a text from the coworker she was spending a lot of time with after our breakup talking sh*t about me. The moron sent it to me instead of whoever it was intended to go to.

As far as her staring goes. It’s very rarely menacing but for the first month after the breakup that’s all it was. Now it’s either a short stare then lookin down at the ground or a quick head look to the side like I caught her looking.

I have a feeling she’ll get canned soon. I just have to weather the storm for a few more months. She’s causes too much drama in the office and upper management is keeping an eye on her.
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« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2019, 09:19:32 AM »

Staff only

We are all here to heal and help one another in doing so. Forum is healthy when conducted in a respectful, and tolerant manner. Please review the forum guidelines and let's keep it respectful.

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« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2019, 10:41:05 AM »

JingleBells

She is your 'enemy' - i am not surprised at all.

I am not. Take it from someone who has been through the BPD nightmare.

I was about to say i was pointing out contradictions, the biggest one here is despite all she has done, the 'latent'? or secret, call it what you will, wish to be with here. I highlight it because of knowing it all to well.

Im not here to modulate your emotions, I take my hat off to someone who can go to work, or uni, and put up with face to face with their ex's who have caused them so much disturbance and grief. (understatements here most likely).

Same time, like yourself, I had to learn about this in more depth, when we start to generalise the disorder it starts to dehumanise the individual. The problem with this broad-brush approach and categorical thinking, it alters our senses and perceptions, these will then create more inner turmoil and confusion.

If I say that it is none of your business if she flirts with other people, this does not mean the same as saying I don't believe you should feel nothing about it. It is the detaching board, not "conflicted" board, I would be wasting my time to just tell you what I think you want to hear, my time and yours. At the same time I want you to know that I have sympathy for what you are going through.

The "not getting along in workplace" is a well known trait - you likely already know.

The wish to have her quit, if not fired, I hope either way it works out and you get a resolution you are after. We are all learning here, your post has made me reflect deeper on my own relationship, she had an official diagnosis, it made little difference to figuring out, members like yourself have been that missing link. So thank you for sharing. - Crom
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2019, 07:53:04 PM »

Cromwell-


I apologize for the crappy tone in my last reponse. I was in a funky mood so please accept my apologies.

Basically it comes down to this. I still care for this girl but I am slowly starting to realize and accept the fact that I can't help her. It breaks my heart.


But to see her after we broke up start hanging out with these absolute loser dudes at work. Two guys in particular. Both would be a hands down concensus for biggest loser/deadbeat award in the office if you poled everyone randomly. And yet here this girl is who is so talented, smart and attractive throwing herself at these two. Was like a knife to the chest. One of the guys got fired but the other one is still there.


I still care about her. There, I said it again. It's painful to lose the memories but I know in order to fully move on I have to forget about her totally.

I think what I may do is just pretend that she's a twin sister of the girl I dated. I'll pretend that the girl i dated died in a traggic car accident and her twin sister is so tore up with grief that she has to act like she doesn't know me in order to cope. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

But to elaborate further on her hanging out with these two guys. It really made me realize how profound and serious the disorder is. I actually think I'm not fully realizing how much emotional pain she was in when I dumped her. I feel like she had to grab onto the nearest person(s?) for attention.

But I will say this. I truly do miss her. I miss who I thought she was and who she was when she was with me. But now she's just a stranger. Some girl who I used to really care about and maybe even love just a random stranger at work. F*ck man.
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