Coping with end of first romantic relationship, with someone with BPD

[firstbreak]

This is my very first post on the BPD family message boards. I want to tell all the details of my story so that a kind soul could give me the best insight or advice possible. I'm too tired to say everything now though and I don't know if anyone will see this, but I'll probably add more details to this story later.

I am a young person, college-age. My first romantic relationship was with someone I considered my closest friend before we started dating. We clicked emotionally very quickly. At that time, I had no idea he had BPD but I knew he had serious mental illness, depression, PTSD, and suicidal history. I have extreme anxiety disorder and some obsessive tendencies, so I felt like we could empathize with each other.

We started dating last September, and he broke up with me this May while I was studying abroad 8000 miles away. I was isolated while I was abroad because I hadn't made friends there and he, my then-boyfriend, was the only person I was socializing with at all, whether virtually or in person. He told me he loved me more than anyone he had loved before, but not in a romantic sense, and it was unfair to me for the relationship to continue. I felt like I was losing my best friend.

When I returned home in June, and went back to campus in July, I learned that he started dating a girl - a friend of his (nowhere near as close as he and I were) and an acquaintance of mine whom I was introduced to via him. Apparently, a few weeks before he called me to break up, she had talked to him and said that she respected he was in a relationship and didn't want her confession to ruin or affect that. But she HAD to tell him she had feelings for him, had them for months, and couldn't ignore it anymore. My ex told me that at that moment he didn't know how to react to that confession.

Maybe a few weeks after that was when he called me and broke up with me. A month ensued of very tense conversation and anger between us, because we both agreed we still wanted to be friends and to be close friends like we were before, but I had so many unanswered questions and I was still clinging on to the idea that he loved me romantically. I just couldn't understand how he could have treated me as well as he did for months and then suddenly say he's not in love with me.

I assume that during that tense time between us, maybe three weeks after he broke up with me, he "realized he was in love with that girl" who confessed to him and they started dating. They're still dating now.

I have more things to say of course, but I've spent the past two months coping with all of this as it unfolded. He and I are on talking terms now... but I'm missing the close relationship so much. And part of me is hoping that once he breaks up with her - which I'm expecting to happen based on what I know of his past relationship history - I can -- I don't know? Get closer with him again? Try it again?

I know much more now obviously because now I recognize he has BPD.

I guess I just need people to talk to about this.

[gotbushels]

firstbreak  

Welcome.

We started dating last September, and he broke up with me this May while I was studying abroad 8000 miles away.

Yes—studying abroad can be hard on intimate relationships because of the sudden and immediate physical distance. It makes things like communication difficult to do; that's especially difficult because there's often a big lack of physical cues to rely on—especially during difficult conversations. Personally, I went through this type of relationship mechanic before, and if there are difficult traits involved on your side or your partners side (or both)—then certainly things can be more difficult.

Of course, if you don't have many close friends, and you lose one, then you're going to feel more like you lost one. Losing 1 of 3 is 33%—losing 1 of 1 is 100%. It may feel like more of a loss.

Don't sweat it. A lot of students and workers have gone through what you're going through now, and—especially true on the boards—here you'll find people who've gone through more difficult types of relationships than most.

But she HAD to tell him she had feelings for him, had them for months, and couldn't ignore it anymore.

It may feel crumby when a third party seems to encroach on your intimate relationship. I personally felt quite angry at times. From this, it does get easier. And to help your recovery forward—you can know that it is indeed better than you find out now rather than later that a person's trajectory in their relationship with you is disloyalty. I didn't believe it where you are now, but I slowly came to acceptance of this idea. I'd rather she show me early she's a dud rather than 3–60 years later after marriage, children, etc.

I just couldn't understand how he could have treated me as well as he did for months and then suddenly say he's not in love with me.

It might help to consider this a bit closer. Good or affectionate treatment of someone doesn't mean a person loves you or not. Therefore a person can do both regardless of how they feel about you. What does it mean for you—does your worth depend on how well you're treated by a person, or whether a person loves you or not?

I want to tell all the details of my story so that a kind soul could give me the best insight or advice possible.

I highly recommend you supplement your working through this with a therapist. If you're still in college, you could see how things work with your campus counselling office—I personally found those options more affordable. And as with any relationship, I think it's fine to set boundaries for yourself and experiment with the therapists available to you before deciding if you want to continue with that relationship.

[...] but I knew he had serious mental illness, depression, PTSD, and suicidal history. I have extreme anxiety disorder and some obsessive tendencies, so I felt like we could empathize with each other.

Perhaps embellish a little—did he receive a formal diagnosis? Knowing a bit more on this often helps other members to understand your situation and thereby share understanding that better fits your relationship.


One step at a time. I look forward to your sharing more. Enjoy your weekend.


Acronyms here.

[firstbreak]

firstbreak  

Welcome.
Yes—studying abroad can be hard on intimate relationships because of the sudden and immediate physical distance. It makes things like communication difficult to do; that's especially difficult because there's often a big lack of physical cues to rely on—especially during difficult conversations. Personally, I went through this type of relationship mechanic before, and if there are difficult traits involved on your side or your partners side (or both)—then certainly things can be more difficult.

Of course, if you don't have many close friends, and you lose one, then you're going to feel more like you lost one. Losing 1 of 3 is 33%—losing 1 of 1 is 100%. It may feel like more of a loss.

Don't sweat it. A lot of students and workers have gone through what you're going through now, and—especially true on the boards—here you'll find people who've gone through more difficult types of relationships than most.
It may feel crumby when a third party seems to encroach on your intimate relationship. I personally felt quite angry at times. From this, it does get easier. And to help your recovery forward—you can know that it is indeed better than you find out now rather than later that a person's trajectory in their relationship with you is disloyalty. I didn't believe it where you are now, but I slowly came to acceptance of this idea. I'd rather she show me early she's a dud rather than 3–60 years later after marriage, children, etc.
It might help to consider this a bit closer. Good or affectionate treatment of someone doesn't mean a person loves you or not. Therefore a person can do both regardless of how they feel about you. What does it mean for you—does your worth depend on how well you're treated by a person, or whether a person loves you or not?

I highly recommend you supplement your working through this with a therapist. If you're still in college, you could see how things work with your campus counselling office—I personally found those options more affordable. And as with any relationship, I think it's fine to set boundaries for yourself and experiment with the therapists available to you before deciding if you want to continue with that relationship.
Perhaps embellish a little—did he receive a formal diagnosis? Knowing a bit more on this often helps other members to understand your situation and thereby share understanding that better fits your relationship.


One step at a time. I look forward to your sharing more. Enjoy your weekend.


Acronyms here.

Thank you for chipping in! I do see a therapist. I mentioned that I have generalized anxiety disorder, which started eight or nine years ago. The therapist (a clinical psychologist) I have seen since then is amazing. She is very astute, has seen me grow up, and knows me very well.

In fact, she was the person who told me it sounds like my ex has borderline personality disorder, as well as being somewhere on the high-functioning end of the spectrum. And once she said that and I looked up BPD, things made so much sense to me in retrospect. Even though she didn't formally diagnose him and has never met him, I think she couldn't be more spot-on. It explains a lot of his behavior and thoughts as he's told them to me.

He's never received a formal diagnosis of BPD. But I told him what my therapist said. I believe he's elected to ignore that information. He is very skeptical of therapists, and while he has a psychiatrist, I think no psychological professional in his life has ever truly addressed BPD with him.

He has suicidal tendencies. He definitely has depression - but I personally think now that that's a symptom and a branch of BPD for him. He has PTSD from a violent and potentially life-threatening nighttime encounter two years ago.

I think he's a good person at heart even though he hates himself and doesn't believe that. He told me that the other girl confessing to him had no bearing on his decision to break up with me - at that point, he had already known he needed to break up with me. I believe him to an extent, but I think (and I'm also hoping, because I'm the biased person who got hurt) that he's not admitting to himself that after his breakup with me, he dwelt on her confession and convinced himself that he's in love with her, or something like that.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi firstbreak-

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this painful experience.  Sadly, pwBPD or BPD traits can often be lacking in empathy.  So where you may have felt that your ex bf would understand and relate to your personal struggles, his focus may lean more heavily toward him and him alone.  Not so much on you.  Ever.  The good feelings he had, were because you gave them to him.  Hard to understand, I know.  It seems pwBPD need to be “taught” empathy.  It’s a hard lesson for them to learn.

It’s vital for you to look elsewhere - to other, healthier people to help you move through this.  Your ex bf canNOT help you with the sadness of this relationship.  You’re on a campus and chances are you’re a very big-hearted young woman.  Perhaps look for caring groups to join - environmental, planet-loving, music-making people, for instance ... other empaths. 

Another looming issue is the absence of object permanence.  So where with you or me it would be “absence makes the heart grow fonder”; with a pwBPD, it’s more like “out of sight out of mind”.  His emotions are fragile and until he faces them on his own, he WILL drag you down, tho’ not really on purpose.  Sad fact.

You’re at a time in your life where adventures are so so important and at your fingertips!  Don’t deny your growth at this juncture.  And He will NEVER be able to put you first if he doesn’t do his work.  You’re doing yours and you have a right to expect a partner to carry his share of HIS load.  You cannot carry his load and you cannot “fix” him.  You’ll read so many stories here of people who have tried. 

The best we can do is learn the communication tools, establish boundaries, work on ourselves and engage in as much self-care as possible.  The self-care is where you start.

Please keep posting.  This is a very safe space for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

hi firstbreak, and

it sounds like there are two issues at play here.

the first is that hes in an ongoing relationship. generally, these things just have to play out...stand or fall on their own. strategically, its a good idea to be "on the radar" so to speak...to talk occasionally, be on good terms. its also a good idea to be living your best life, its very attractive. but for the most part, you want to steer clear of their relationship and give it the space to play out, and then for him to grieve it.

if he jumped back in a relationship with you now, or shortly after they broke up, it would likely end badly for you.

I just couldn't understand how he could have treated me as well as he did for months and then suddenly say he's not in love with me.

this is an aspect of the relationships i think so many of us struggle with. our partners say a lot of wonderful words, there are a lot of sincere, loving gestures between both parties that creates a lot of intensity. one thing thats important to understand is that people with bpd over express themselves in over the top ways. theyre dreamers. they feel very strongly. but in general, they can also be fickle, and no relationship remains in the honeymoon stage.

the reason i mention that is because if you are to get back with him, i think its important to understand that things wont go back, at least not permanently, to those wonderful months. it will be a different kettle of fish. you may, after a breakup/makeup feel insecure or distrustful, and looking for reassurance.

all of that is to say i think it would help to recalibrate your expectations. to learn the tools and skills here, in order to take the relationship in a healthier, long term trajectory, and in the mean time, to decide on the approach you want to take to the relationship that you have with him now.

what do you think?

[firstbreak]

Hi firstbreak-

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this painful experience.  Sadly, pwBPD or BPD traits can often be lacking in empathy.  So where you may have felt that your ex bf would understand and relate to your personal struggles, his focus may lean more heavily toward him and him alone.  Not so much on you.  Ever.  The good feelings he had, were because you gave them to him.  Hard to understand, I know.  It seems pwBPD need to be “taught” empathy.  It’s a hard lesson for them to learn.

It’s vital for you to look elsewhere - to other, healthier people to help you move through this.  Your ex bf canNOT help you with the sadness of this relationship.  You’re on a campus and chances are you’re a very big-hearted young woman.  Perhaps look for caring groups to join - environmental, planet-loving, music-making people, for instance ... other empaths. 

Another looming issue is the absence of object permanence.  So where with you or me it would be “absence makes the heart grow fonder”; with a pwBPD, it’s more like “out of sight out of mind”.  His emotions are fragile and until he faces them on his own, he WILL drag you down, tho’ not really on purpose.  Sad fact.

You’re at a time in your life where adventures are so so important and at your fingertips!  Don’t deny your growth at this juncture.  And He will NEVER be able to put you first if he doesn’t do his work.  You’re doing yours and you have a right to expect a partner to carry his share of HIS load.  You cannot carry his load and you cannot “fix” him.  You’ll read so many stories here of people who have tried. 

The best we can do is learn the communication tools, establish boundaries, work on ourselves and engage in as much self-care as possible.  The self-care is where you start.

Please keep posting.  This is a very safe space for you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Gemsforeyes,

Thank you so much. Sharing this with other people who understand BPD is helping quite a bit.

Ive known him for almost two years and while we’re both young people, I think I know him fairly well. He might not be able to feel empathy naturally or instinctively but I know that he also places a heavy burden on himself to force himself to care.

For example, he’s told me (and it lines up with how he acts) that he feels incredibly guilty about hurting me via the breakup. Therefore, it’s his responsibility to make sure I’m ok. This is how he sees it. When he was much younger, he created a massive set of social rules that he studied meticulously, because he didn’t naturally understand social norms. One of the things he’s internalized is that if he makes someone feel bad, he has to feel guilty about it and take responsibility to make it better.

I want to maintain my friendship with him, and so far it’s going ok, but he still feels like he need to check on me and that just makes the reconciliation awkward in my opinion.

I don’t necessarily want to fix him. I know I can’t do that myself, he needs a professional and he’s very directionless and not likely to go to one himself in the foreseeable future. What I am hoping for though is that he’ll break up with his current girlfriend - because I see it as another part of his cycle - and after he gets over that for a few days or weeks, I want to point out to him how he uses that as a coping mechanism. Point out to him that he’s been in a cycle of relationships that ended relatively quickly since high school and has never been single for more than three months in between those relationships. And in this situation, the only possible time when he might listen to that message is after he breaks up.

In a hypothetical far future where he actually works hard on his issues I might want to try again with him. I guess right now I’m just hoping that it goes slowly down that path, and I see it starting with him getting out of this relationship, because I highly doubt it’s healthy this time or that he’s learned much. Of course I’m biased in this situation though and maybe this relationship will actually last long and be healthy and happy this time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[firstbreak]

Re: my direct above comment, I probably shouldn’t even be caring this much about staying in touch with him or nudging  him once he breaks up and might be more amenable to what I have to say. I guess I’m clinging onto that because my relationship with him was the first I have had, the closest friendship I’ve ever had, and I felt loved and it ended so shockingly. I’m trying to make new friends and strengthen my existing friendships but it’s going just one day at a time. And I guess I’m still seeking the feeling of being loved, and because I don’t fully understand how he felt about me (did he actually love me? Does he still love me? Did that month and a half of tension ruin that irreparably?), I’m still hoping that it might rekindle in the future for him.

[firstbreak]

hi firstbreak, and

it sounds like there are two issues at play here.

the first is that hes in an ongoing relationship. generally, these things just have to play out...stand or fall on their own. strategically, its a good idea to be "on the radar" so to speak...to talk occasionally, be on good terms. its also a good idea to be living your best life, its very attractive. but for the most part, you want to steer clear of their relationship and give it the space to play out, and then for him to grieve it.

if he jumped back in a relationship with you now, or shortly after they broke up, it would likely end badly for you.

this is an aspect of the relationships i think so many of us struggle with. our partners say a lot of wonderful words, there are a lot of sincere, loving gestures between both parties that creates a lot of intensity. one thing thats important to understand is that people with bpd over express themselves in over the top ways. theyre dreamers. they feel very strongly. but in general, they can also be fickle, and no relationship remains in the honeymoon stage.

the reason i mention that is because if you are to get back with him, i think its important to understand that things wont go back, at least not permanently, to those wonderful months. it will be a different kettle of fish. you may, after a breakup/makeup feel insecure or distrustful, and looking for reassurance.

all of that is to say i think it would help to recalibrate your expectations. to learn the tools and skills here, in order to take the relationship in a healthier, long term trajectory, and in the mean time, to decide on the approach you want to take to the relationship that you have with him now.

what do you think?

Hi once removed,

I think you’re right. My happiness shouldn’t be hinging on whether or not they break up in the next several months, but I’m angry because of what that girl did and a little cynical/spiteful now that I understand him better in the lens of BPD. So I’m kind of waiting for it to end between them as my “revenge” - but I definitely don’t plan on interfering. It’ll be revenge for me in that it happened naturally and that I was right. And meanwhile I am trying to stay on good terms and stay on the radar. Like I said, I  highly expect it’s going to end but there’s always the possibility that it won’t, and in that case I would really be hurt even more because I was wrong.

And thank you. I see what you mean. I know it’s not healthy for me to get back with him in the near future and honestly I think right now he doesn’t want to, which hurts a tiny tiny bit to think about. I’ve had everyone tell me that I should move on and that I need to be in a relationship with someone who is healthy enough to maintain one, and he isn’t and likely won’t be for a very long time. And I believe that. But... part of me is still holding out hope that maybe things will go down that one auspicious path where he breaks up, grieves, I can point out to him that he just repeated the cycle for the fourth time (he hasn’t been single for longer than three months since high school), the message gets through to him a little and he does the work he needs to do, and maybe that he does love me and we could try again in the future. I know that’s a lot of if’s.

What do you think about that?

[once removed]

it’ll be revenge for me in that it happened naturally and that I was right
...
the possibility that it won’t, and in that case I would really be hurt even more because I was wrong.

what would you be right or wrong about?

[firstbreak]

what would you be right or wrong about?

whether or not his current relationship is actually real love this time, and not just another part of his cycle. Whether he’s going to break up eventually and this current relationship is him once again convincing himself he’s in love and latching on to someone who offers him the comfort he needs.

I want to be right that this is going to fail again for him - partially because I think only then will he be able to fully realize the effects of the breakup on our friendship, and partly because I’m angry about that girl confessing to him.

He just told me today that he’s weaning off his depression meds (I’m assuming with the permission of his psychiatrist), and that he feels better and less depressed because he has a support system. In the short term, that seems like a negative sign, a sign that maybe it’s real for him this time.

[gotbushels]

She is very astute, has seen me grow up, and knows me very well.

Seems like a good working relationship. Good on you firstbreak.   

I think he's a good person at heart even though he hates himself and doesn't believe that.

I know what you mean. Me too, I felt this about my ex.

This is your first relationship, and your ex seems to have had a few. So with that background I do think what Gemsforeyes said here is very true.

You’re doing [your load] and you have a right to expect a partner to carry his share of HIS load. 

Supporting this from a guy's perspective, the idea of reciprocity in a lot of things for a relationship is something that I think is important to understand early on when you're dating. It allows you to have your say in what you think is fair in a relationship, and while 50/50 is more of a conceptual target than practical target—having the target itself, I think, will save you a lot of avoidable grief.

In the long term, the benefit of having developed some idea of how you fit in to your relationships (with awareness of reciprocal behaviour) is that you'll be less likely to end up falling into these kinds of seemingly lopsided relationships. You'll also be less likely to buy the bill of goods that a person "is treating you fairly" (when they aren't). So I highly recommend you develop this idea for yourself in exploring how you work in relationships.

And once she said that and I looked up BPD, things made so much sense to me in retrospect.
[...]
I think she couldn't be more spot-on. It explains a lot of his behavior and thoughts as he's told them to me.

I appreciate what you mean. One of the resources (also on this site) recommended by my P seemed to me like my diary of "living with a BP". So knowing what BPD is, can you be specific (1 or 2 examples) as to what makes sense to you in retrospect?

If you were to imagine yourself with 2 guys you could date—one with BPD and one without, and both guys being equal in every respect except for the BPD—which one would you date and why?

[firstbreak]

One of the resources (also on this site) recommended by my P seemed to me like my diary of "living with a BP". So knowing what BPD is, can you be specific (1 or 2 examples) as to what makes sense to you in retrospect?

If you were to imagine yourself with 2 guys you could date—one with BPD and one without, and both guys being equal in every respect except for the BPD—which one would you date and why?

These are really good questions, thank you. A few examples-

1) Ever since I've known him, he's been... "quick" to move on from one group of friends to another. Apparently when I first met him, his primary friends were friends of his girlfriend at the time (the one with whom he had a 2.5 year relationship that was not happy or healthy for the vast majority of the time). When I started hanging out with him, he gained interest in my interests and became friends with my friends and hung out less with those friends. When I left to study abroad, he became closer friends with the social circle that he had started to know when we first started dating - the same social circle his current GF is part of. I found that once I came back from study abroad, that group of friends is basically his closest now (he became closer with them in my absence) and their interests are his interests (although he still maintains one of the core interests I shared with him: lifting).

2) He thinks ridiculously in black and white terms. For example, someone's a good person, or they're not a good person because of one quality. In most cases I agree that the specific quality is not good, but it's a single character flaw and it doesn't define the person. He has a hard time seeing them in a good light after that though.

3) Honestly, it explains to me his history of romantic relationships in general and how he told me he felt about them during and after. The first one in high school, the second one, and now me. And how he definitely felt in love with the second girlfriend at least at the beginning, and once they mutually broke up, he was able to eventually just not care about her at all.

4) His poor ability to emotionally regulate.

I could give more details but I'm kind of tired at the moment. >_<


In regard to the second question - of course I would date someone without BPD. I want to be sure that they love me for me. I'm probably a bit of a codependent and/or anxious partner, which I'm not saying is healthy, but that means that having a partner with BPD would not be good for me long-term. A BPD partner is unstable - that's what I've gleaned from this. I can't communicate straight sometimes, even though I try my best. And my clinical psychologist said it's better if I end up with a partner who is slightly healthier than I am in terms of mental health.

[gotbushels]

firstbreak  

Thank you for sharing.

At August 2019, you're about 5 months out of the breakup. Can you plot yourself of where you're at for the stages of detachment?

Also I recommend you read this article. Can you identify 1 or 2 beliefs that may apply to your situation?

A BPD partner is unstable - that's what I've gleaned from this.

I'd like to share something with you here. You're in a good position (separation). In my view, if your partner was heavily traited, then there's quite a vast amount of responsibility attached to the role of being an SO.

From my experience, it's basically like working a second job when you go home. You may even be on-call often for the second job while at your first job. So there can be a lot more to your role (in addition to instability) if you end up as an SO.

Things that keep me away from these relationships are things like the (1) obligation of being the emotional caretaker and (2) relatively much lower relationship satisfaction scores. Having experienced relationships with a traited person and without a traited person, my experience with the traited person was truly awful. If you date someone without this PD, I think the comparative experience will lead you to never go back—of course assuming the choice is there. So under this lens—being in a position where the BP in your life has gone on to choose someone else has given you a bit of an easy out. I expect that self-respecting people aren't going to 'go back' to people who've been disloyal to them—especially so when at earlier stages in life without many shared obligations. It may not be easy to see, this being your first relationship, but I do encourage you to know this.

As you succeed in school and your work life, and you get more relationship time in your life, you'll know and feel it's not the end of the world for you. You'll be sad, disappointed, and at a loss for some time, but eventually you can and will get over it. I do expect there to be plenty of opportunities for other guys to come into your life—consistent with what Gemsforeyes said regarding where you are in your life right now. I share that expectation with you.

[firstbreak]

At August 2019, you're about 5 months out of the breakup. Can you plot yourself of where you're at for the stages of detachment?



Also I recommend you read this article. Can you identify 1 or 2 beliefs that may apply to your situation?

I believe I am in self-inquiry, probably close to the threshold of processing, or vacillating back and forth.

It's actually been about three months, because the breakup happened May 24, 2019.

From that article: this relationship with him definitely filled something for me. It was the first romantic/intimate relationship I've ever had. Going into it, I definitely felt emotionally closer to him than I ever had to anyone else before. I actually was not in love with him at the start, but I thought he was in love with me, and it felt nice to feel wanted and loved. And I did care about him. I trusted him enough that I wanted to give dating him a shot and see if I would end up falling in love with him. And while I didn't quite, I became greedy for the attention fairly quickly, and used to him being my partner.

I think I have the beliefs, to various extents, that things "will return to the way they used to be" (either with us as close friends the way we were right before we started dating, which I think is more likely, or as us being partners again, which... I'd be wary about and would think over A LOT before even trying); clinging to the words that were said ("I want this to be a long-term relationship"; "please don't break up with me" - which was said in a joking context when I roasted him for fun, but still); and perhaps the "belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder" - that maybe after he breaks up with this girlfriend, he may be more receptive to giving our breakup more closure, or to me pointing out to him his cycle of behavior, and perhaps I could get closer to him again that way.

I'd like to share something with you here. You're in a good position (separation). In my view, if your partner was heavily traited, then there's quite a vast amount of responsibility attached to the role of being an SO.

Yeah - I'm starting to think he isn't super heavily traited. It's definitely there. But for example, he's never been abusive to me, and I'm incredibly grateful for that after reading others' stories. I've also heard that BPD tends to manifest differently in men and women.

[once removed]

whether or not his current relationship is actually real love this time, and not just another part of his cycle. Whether he’s going to break up eventually and this current relationship is him once again convincing himself he’s in love and latching on to someone who offers him the comfort he needs.

I want to be right that this is going to fail again for him - partially because I think only then will he be able to fully realize the effects of the breakup on our friendship,

i remember feeling this way. our relationship was just shy of 3 years, and she jumped into a new relationship very suddenly. i wasnt at the point yet where i was "done", i didnt think their relationship stood a good chance, and i was just certain shed be back. in the end, their relationship lasted a little over four years, but it did finish.

if you think about it, everyones relationship ends, except for the last one. what that is proof of us two people not working out.

so i understand the feeling very well. i think though, that its very risky to invest your recovery, or vindication, or a possible reconciliation, in his success or failure.

I actually was not in love with him at the start, but I thought he was in love with me, and it felt nice to feel wanted and loved. And I did care about him. I trusted him enough that I wanted to give dating him a shot and see if I would end up falling in love with him. And while I didn't quite, I became greedy for the attention fairly quickly, and used to him being my partner.

if you think about it, we dont normally experience this; if you dated someone in high school, you probably never thought that if they had a successful relationship later, that it meant you were a failure.

so why do we do it in this case? generally, because we invest a lot in the things you describe. its nice to be wanted - even needed. then when it crumbles, theres a huge, very threatening sense of rejection. i know that in my case, i imagined every scenario i could that would reverse that sense of rejection, especially her crawling back and me rejecting her. i also thought that it would mean that i was unique, in spite of her relationship history.

i would suggest that whether you want to reconcile, or move closer to being emotionally done, this is a key wound to detach from.

[firstbreak]

@once removed

Thank you - these are the thoughts I'm having myself. When someone else states things plainly, it's a bit easier for me to face that head-on. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to maintain a friendship with him as is, and see how much effort he puts into it, I guess.