Regret how I walked away

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I snapped a couple days ago when he was laying into me in a car ride... I wonder if I could have validated what he was saying; but feel confused if that's reasonable since a person can only take being condemned for so long... I have told him in recent months that I'm burnt out and I don't have the patience anymore as I once did to defuse the anger. He has let me take on more and more responsibility and gotten less loving. Everything revolves around his problems as if he's the only one with challenges... If he was the kind of person to just back off when I ask him to or apologize even somewhat for his meanness we would still have an intact family right now but I snapped and told him it's over and to get out. I would have wanted to do it reasonably, compassionately, and planned not in the middle of the street like a lunatic. Now he's not speaking to me and this crazy guy has been my family for 14 years... I blame myself for not doing better handling him, getting him to therapy. The kids had to come first and I barely keep our heads above water. I keep telling myself it's only temporary until he realizes he played a part in our demise and decides to change and ask me to come back. I know this is unicorns and rainbows. In reality, he has just gone to paranoia and devaluing me, and projection. He says I ruined his life. I'm the one who spent down all my money to masquerade a middle class lifestyle. I'm the one with the extra pounds... I'm the one cycling through overwhelm and exhaustion. I just hope he'll be fine and find love and survive out there in the world and the kids will be okay with us separated because one thing I can do is keep carrying on.

[Inner Light]

I snapped a couple days ago when he was laying into me in a car ride... I wonder if I could have validated what he was saying; but feel confused if that's reasonable since a person can only take being condemned for so long... I have told him in recent months that I'm burnt out and I don't have the patience anymore as I once did to defuse the anger. He has let me take on more and more responsibility and gotten less loving. Everything revolves around his problems as if he's the only one with challenges... If he was the kind of person to just back off when I ask him to or apologize even somewhat for his meanness we would still have an intact family right now but I snapped and told him it's over and to get out. I would have wanted to do it reasonably, compassionately, and planned not in the middle of the street like a lunatic. Now he's not speaking to me and this crazy guy has been my family for 14 years... I blame myself for not doing better handling him, getting him to therapy. The kids had to come first and I barely keep our heads above water. I keep telling myself it's only temporary until he realizes he played a part in our demise and decides to change and ask me to come back. I know this is unicorns and rainbows. In reality, he has just gone to paranoia and devaluing me, and projection. He says I ruined his life. I'm the one who spent down all my money to masquerade a middle class lifestyle. I'm the one with the extra pounds... I'm the one cycling through overwhelm and exhaustion. I just hope he'll be fine and find love and survive out there in the world and the kids will be okay with us separated because one thing I can do is keep carrying on.

[ColdKnight]

I understand what you are feeling. I did something similar yesterday in a log text that didn’t pull any punches and basically blasted her out of the water.

I’m afraid it’s something that I can never come back from. It’s for the best though, for me at least, I can’t say in your situation. Only you can answer that but just know there are people who understand.

Take care of you

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Inner Light, Don't beat yourself up!  Everyone has his/her limit and it sounds like you reached yours, which is OK.  Suggest you put yourself first for a change and be kind to yourself.  What are your gut feelings about the r/s?  What would you like to see happen?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

its a chicken and the egg scenario.

it sounds like this was a boiling cauldron for a long time. could it have ended better, sooner, more peacefully? sure. but it didnt.

I keep telling myself it's only temporary until he realizes he played a part in our demise and decides to change and ask me to come back.

was the break up with the hope that hed see the light?

[Inner Light]

Well I always hope he'll see the light but honestly I was just provoked and it spiraled fast with his verbal haranguing and I let out what I've been thinking for a while. He goes through cycles of grumpy, critical, dismissive (to everyone not just me). I push away tell him I've had enough then I get so lonely and fearful for him and the kids... Then I convince myself I'll just try harder to make it work. Maybe I don't feel I'm enough as a parent. He's been away visiting his family abroad for weeks at a time and handling the kids alone is so rough even if ordinarily he may only spend 5 minutes with them in a day.  But if something happens... An injury or a flat tire he's there in a flash. So I have a backup person. And maybe it's so childish but he's someone who checks in with me during the day. Maybe I can't bring up any serious topics but at least it's someone who is committed to me. I've always felt just a total aloneness, lack of family, few friends. Either they've moved or I have. I belong to a couple of groups but I'd be ashamed for them to know how needy I am.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey InnerLight, If you're trying to make it work, maybe you would find the Bettering Board more helpful?  We're kind of jaded here on Detaching/Learning.  BTW, I agree w/Once Removed: it's like the straw that broke the camel's back in the sense that a lot came before your outburst, which is normal in my view in terms of how the pressure builds in a BPD r/s.

LJ