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Author Topic: A Strange Reaction..  (Read 1056 times)
Yoke
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« on: August 11, 2019, 03:16:32 AM »

Something strange has happend. I had finally decided to bring my ex uBpd's stuff back. I drove there and my heartrate was soo hight . Knocked on her door and she opened. She looked into my eyes for some seconds, then looked down and closed the door..During those few seconds I both saw and felt her pain. The pain that has always been there - even when I wasn't in any relationship with her..I  told her through the closed door that i would leave her belongings outside.. and I drove away.
Why did my ex avoided eyecontact and closed the door immediately? It has been since May she devaluated me.. Is she still angry at me, hate me so much? Or is it something else? I am also confused that she or some friends of hers has not texted me any hateful sms telling me to back of, threathend me to inform the cops, .that she hated to see me..etc. but no...She has never hesitated one second not texting me messges full of hate, accusations etc during our relationship, between her breakups/makeups.. so am chocked..I  i think i ruined her day even if she just saw me few seconds.. you know " out of sight, out of mind".. that i broke for few seconds.../ I want to try to understand all this..?
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Cromwell
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2019, 01:15:44 PM »

Not an easy question to answer Yoke, you said your heart rate was so high, is it fair to say that you might be reading too much into the "saw and felt her pain" part?

Was this prearranged or an impromptu visit? Another factor to consider her response.

I saw my ex by chance 9 months after complete no contact. Had a 5 minute chat, cordial enough, when I left I noticed as the bus pulled away an expression on her as if she was doing the same - avoid eye contact, a grimmace on her face of someone trying to maintain composed but failing, ive seen it before during the r/s at moments. Stress control is my own perception of it.

As a side note, friendly advice, be careful from a legal point of view not to be painted as doing some form of harassment. It is easy to allege where I live but more so if someone has sent texts that are of the "stay away" variety. Regardless of the  out of sight out of mind theory, if my ex turned up at my door today or if I did at hers, or anyone elses I have been out of their proximity for a long time, it is going to come as some sort of surprise at least?
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Yoke
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2019, 06:51:35 PM »

@Cromwell. It was not a prearranged meeting. When she broke up with me she left so much of her belongings at my place . 1. They are hers 2. It reminds me too mich of her and i cant stand the pain, thats why i also want to give them back to her. I cant just throw them away. Expensive for ex lamps that i know she loves. Jewerellys.. etc. If she does not want it she can throw it away. I was trying to give them back to her 2 weeks after she left, but that time she was still hurt, angry. So thats why i have waited. About my heartrate- its because i havent seen here since May and god, i miss her.. thats why my body reacted. Of fear of what i would meet... It was no intention at all to harass her. Both her and her friends has harrassed me before and threthend me.. by messages.. so if she wants to report me for giving her stuff back and that i still do care for her.. she is welcome..it is worth it all... because i feel i did the right thing.. but maybe am wrong here?...
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Cromwell
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2019, 07:14:00 PM »

Hi Yoke, there is nothing wrong here from my view, but just trying to give words of staying safe. Not only does the issue about leaving belongings can be used as a way to stop detaching, I have came across plenty of stories of harassment claims, restraining orders, litigation. I think it is a good thing that you have returned these mementos, the texts sent about calling the police are just the red danger flags I wanted to highlight.

I know it must have been an adrenaline hit to be in that situation, our vision becomes more narrow and locked on than usual, the outer edges more blurry. Since May? I understand it must have been brave for you. Do you feel yet that it has helped in some way? I actually moved an entire house because I did not want reminded of her, it was a good decision, it has helped a lot to stop 'seeing' her 'ghost' from room to room, so to speak.

Hoping you find your peace from this, well done.
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Yoke
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« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2019, 03:34:36 AM »

@Cromwell. My ex has threathend me twice before, but not since May when she broked up and vanished. She has done it before but never meant it. She told me once when i told her it hurted me that she would call the cops. Then she said " I would never do that, it was just something i said because i was hurt and angry/sad by you". Here in my country, the police does not bother about such small things. And put me a restraining order for i give  her stuff back, because i love her-NO. If i would have sneak outside her home, work, stalked her. Maybe. But all her and her friends threathend  message towards me wich i still  have on my phone- that would make her trouble.. not me.   I do stiĺl love her but i can't force her to love ME.  So if she does not want me in her life anymore.. thats her call. But i am not going to let her treat me like this, just vanish without any reason . Im not garbage.. i do want to let her know that, tell her that- then i will leave her for good...
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Cromwell
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« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2019, 07:13:31 AM »

Hi Yoke

I understand the goal is to tell her that you are not garbage before you leave her alone?

letter?
phone call?
house visit?
something else?
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Yoke
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« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2019, 07:56:13 AM »

@Cromwell.. it is just how I feel. It might not be the right thing to do, or even useless because she wouldn't take it in or even care. And i will probably not do it.. but i am so angry at her, that she treated me like this, making me feel that i am an evil person who just wanted to harm her. Let her friends/family think i am a devil..God damn it, i loved her with all my heart.  Maybe i am so selfish, but I live once what I belive to me- , love is the most beautiful thing you should cherish and treat like it is glass, so you dont break it...  I want to tell her that she breaks it by doing this. Not just to me. I want her to hear that even if she gives a PLEASE READ of what am saying. I want her to feel and know that she destroyed me into pieces but I still loved her because i am not that reckless and evil person. I have a heart, i can forgive, i can understand others and her pain. And i did everything in my power. I never abandon..And am proud of that I can feel and do all that. So maybe somewhere deep inside she can just for a second.. let that thought stay.. for a second..She told me that I should be careful with her heart and never break it... In her eyes i might have done it.. but in reality- she broke mine into pieces..and took my soul with her... So what do I have to lose?...my dignity? That is gone.. What would you suggest @Cromwell, letter, message, visit...anybody  here? ...
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« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2019, 12:45:10 PM »

Hi Yoke

The pain is raw, it is recent, im sure part of it is linked to just seeing her again after so long to give her stuff back?

This is how you feel at this moment in time, give yourself a chance to let the upset, anger and other emotions lose their grip. You may feel very much different from how you feel now. Imagine if you write something and later regret doing so? It sounds like you are unsure

"it might not be the right thing to do"

It was two months you have not seen her, when you did you were high heart rate, you love her, gave her belongings back and she closed the door...

I mean, you could have sold her stuff, destroyed it, manipulated with it, many things that people do. You gave her it back. The right thing to do? Not for me to say, but I think it is hard to call a person like that "garbage" or the "devil". How do you feel though? Did you really lose all your dignity, has it all been taken away? Is it something another can take from us?

So many questions im sorry, I have more, but you have been and still going through a lot. It can be hard to see the wood for the trees with so much going on.

dont feel alone here we are here to hear you out, talk it through, it can help. To answer the question, my suggestion is that you can always contact her but do it when you feel more sure about it, take a pause in the heat of all these emotions maybe?
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Yoke
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« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2019, 02:22:23 PM »

Thanx @Cromwell. I understand you and I know am going through a very painful periode now. But still feel this i feel after 3 months is so crazy. I know that she does not want me back, that she does not trust me and she will maybe feel like that all her life? Its just that i dont feel it fair? Right? To be treated like this. Of course i have been heaetbroken of many reasons before but never in this way. Maybe because i have never been in love like this before. I have never felt this way .. When u dont get a closure.. when someone you love so much, the person you shared your life with 24/7 just disappear whit a message... how can i have my dignity left? When all this months you tried to love, but was push/pulled, always accusations, misstrust, breakups.. was your life- including the most wonderful amazing moments with such a love you hardly could'nt breath.. but you stayed in it. Because you feel LOVE... then its hard to keep your dignity... when everything else is gone...?
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JNChell
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« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2019, 07:12:45 PM »

Hi, Yoke. You’re in the middle of a break up with a pwBPD. Allow yourself some grace and the space that you need to process everything. This is important. The pain feels quite acute for a while, but it will ease and you’ll start to see things for what they are. Be patient and continue to learn.

I can relate to you on our exes leaving their belongings behind. I share a child with my ex. Upon the second big break up, she left all of her belongings at my house and refused to take them no matter how I begged her. We share a child. She would come in and sift through her belongings and grab what she wanted during exchanges. It was maddening. I didn’t feel heard, and she did what she wanted. I allowed her to trample my boundaries. I guess that I didn’t really have boundaries then.

It was awful to look at her belongings everyday. She wouldn’t even acknowledge me when I asked her to remove her things. She eventually removed her belongings after I paid for the Uhaul. She also eventually recycled me. I allowed it.

I agree with Cromwell. Be careful with the laws in your area. Many of these folks lack a conscience and will set the law on you without blinking an eye. Legit or not. I would not show up at her residence again.

3 months isn’t a very long time after going through a traumatic experience. Don’t rush it.

You mention that she most likely doesn’t want you back. That she hates you. Is there a possibility that you want her back? I get it. Sometimes we have to run the gauntlet more than once to see things for what they really are. We have to look at it from an altitude outside of our feelings. What do you see when it comes to being enmeshed in a relationship with her?
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Yoke
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« Reply #10 on: August 14, 2019, 01:43:17 AM »

What i see when it comes to be enmeshed in a relationship with her?  The answer is, if i understood it right that I felt that both of us were calm and felt good. She wanted me to show me my love. I never felt i was enmeshed by her... i loved her. Its not like at all in the states verseus where i come from. In your country you get caught by the cops for small things, for anything i would say.. but here- no. And what wrong is it to want to know what made her leave me with a textmessage? I would say that to fight for love is to keep your dignity...that you dont allow anyone crush you with their foot like a tomatoe...I dont know HOW she feels about me, just that she got hurt in some way and i just want to know what i did. What the accusations was about... to just go away from a 9 months engagement with a textmessage when u are over 40 years old... that is not okay. I dont know if she feels ashamed for what she did, i dont know if she has Bpd, just my experiences tells me so. I dont know what she is thinking.. All Bpd's are not acting the same way or feel the same. They all do have different backgrounds..right? I just want to understand her. And why i react like this. Three months may not be long, but thrée months when you cant sleep, have nightmares, you cry every day, you miss her so much, you dont feel joy anylonger, you are so hurt that you feel you have no heart that beats- IS long... to wake up with the exact feeling everyday...right?
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« Reply #11 on: August 14, 2019, 04:45:33 PM »

Hi Yoke

It is terrible to go through I know how much you love her and how confusing it is. Together 24/7, engaged, then she is gone and you wonder why.

to explain what I have heard about people with BPD, there is the: fear of abandonment.

I know you said you would "never abandon" her but it is a fear I have read that is very powerful and devastating for a pwBPD. It is what causes so much confusion and so many upset people on boards like this.

Everything was going well then all of a sudden the pwBPD just vanishes or ends the relationship. It is upsetting and confusing but it is their way of protecting themselves not from abandoment but from any chance it can happen. It would be an emotional catastrophe for her.

Hard to put into words if it is something you do not have.

 I also was confused and felt similar "hated" but also confused as to why. I felt and she seemed so happy, it made no sense I was deeply shocked. I left her.

if it is because of this, the closer she got to you the more closer that fear gets it builds up in the background. When it gets too high, that is when the sabotage happens. Relationship hugely damaged but at the same time, the fear is controlled.

It is the very cruel thing about it and hurts her too. Imagine to have this happen every time you try to love someone, the more you do, the bigger that fear becomes. I know you would never abandon but it is something so powerful and strong that they cannot take the chance to trust - anyone - it is not against you  Yoke, if this is what she has, it will always be there for her in life, in every relationship. Im sorry how much hurt and pain you are in now.
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Yoke
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« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2019, 01:49:50 AM »

Thanx @Cromwell

Excerpt : It is the very cruel thing about it and hurts her too. Imagine to have this happen every time you try to love someone, the more you do, the bigger that fear becomes. ...but it is something so powerful and strong that they cannot take the chance to trust - anyone - if this is what she has, it will always be there for her in life, in every relationship. Im sorry how much hurt and pain you are in now.

THAT  is the exact  reason I want to at least tell her what I have been talking about here. So she knows it.  That no matter how afraid or how big her fear is of being Abandon... And no matter that she broke up with a lousy coward textmessage in full rage with hate; accusing me for things, called me a liar and other awful things that you never shall say to anyone, especially not to the one you had an relationship with and loved... I want her to know that many persons would have felt just such hate and anger towards her for her and many other Bpd's awful  behaviour..that they Abandon you, they  also ripped out your spine, your heart and left you alone..But I will not be one of those persons. I hate the Bpd or if she has another disorder. I hate the Disorder. Not her.. And by write to her, maybe it's the first time she will hear it? I don't know and I don't care.. But it's my way to say that no matter the pain I feel.. all .because of  her.. I do love her for who she is..Maybe it's a stupid weak way to do that.  Maybe totally wrong.. And she might give a PLEASE READ that I do it. Because she maybe won't belive my words at all. But maybe... She someday in a few years or so.. If she feels like she needs help with herself by therapy, then maybe she can look back and understand what I tried to show her.. It may never ever happen.. but it is worth the risk.

I do struggle huge with my pain, the loss, the humiliation, the selfesteem that is almost gone, my fear of abandonment that came through. All of it. Every day. Three months is not long time you say.. maybe not. But to feel the same intense is not you can't ignore.  Its there and it hurts.  I take one day at the time. One day. So feel free to say what you think of what I have been writing here, i would be glad to see what is on you minds here on Bpd Family/Y
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« Reply #13 on: August 15, 2019, 06:25:37 AM »

Morning Yoke

How are you feeling

it takes time, each day might not notice how much improvement is going on. The last time you saw her has changed, it is not May or 3months ago since last seeing her, it is 4 days ago, it is even more fresh and new.

Giving her stuff back is an important step to take, it is recent, it is more than just giving her 'stuff' back. It has created new thoughts and feelings to deal with. It is also progress, it took bravery. Your heart was racing, you miss her, you did not know what would happen.

She closed the door, we can talk about this more if you think it will help. It is not just about her right? You also have your own fears of abandoment that have come through. This has been deeply hurtful for you, confusing too, a mix of love and anger and other emotions.

Together with her 24/7 Yoke, engaged, then all of a sudden a complete change. It is like a fish thrown out of water? I see how hard it must be to try and adapt to the change that has happened, there is all of a sudden a feeling of so much to deal with. Emotions, thoughts, wondering what the right thing to do is.

How do you feel now about her having her stuff back and without the belongings being in your house - I remember you said they were upsetting to look at, do you think it was the right thing to do?
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Yoke
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« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2019, 04:56:03 AM »

Thanx @Cromwell.  No it has not created new thoughts and feelings. The once I had is still the same. I dont love her more or less.  I don't belive or think that just because I have left her stuff would change anything. Maybe just that she saw me, that i broke the time out of sight made her feel angryor something  again . I have no new hope.  Of course It hurts . Both to leave her stuff back and have them here. Both of it hurts. Because they reminds me of her having them here. Give them back feels like i am closing and take away "her" from my life.. Catch 22. Nothing feels good.  Maybe something changes in my mind each day without knowing or feeling it. But it will never change in my heart what i feel for her . Maybe in time, i will not think of her sp much, but YES she will always be a part in my lfe.. She left a footprint that no one can ever take away or replace. So you are wrong about that i have new feelings to deal with. ..
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« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2019, 01:51:53 PM »

Hi Yoke

I hear you, sorry for being wrong about you having new feelings, I was I think comparing to my own experience.

It might just be early days here to see how this change might have helped.
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Yoke
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« Reply #16 on: August 16, 2019, 05:51:39 PM »

@Cromwell. Thanx. I hope i wasn't rude to you! Not my intention. Everyone here has experienced pain, loss, confusion.. etc.. I dont think i will ever get over her, but i hope that in time it wont just hurt as much as it does now. I have lost all my happiness..i dont enjoy my vacay here..  How was your story? You compared to yourself and your experience.  That u got new feelings . How did u feel and what happend, your story? I would like to hear if u want to share it with me.
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« Reply #17 on: August 16, 2019, 10:30:00 PM »

Hi Yoke, how are you doing.

it is fine I never felt anything rude. I need to be careful, it is in trying to relate. I am grateful you pointed it out, it helps - thanks.

I will try to reply tomorrow. Story telling? On the face of it, not a small task - at least for me. My first thought when you asked was a flash flood hit, "writers block".
 
I dont see this as a story in the conventional sense. Not only does it lack an end point, it lacks a definitive start.

If there is something you want to focus on, I'll try to somehow put into words and relate. What would help the most, what interest the most?

Either way im more than happy to.
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Yoke
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« Reply #18 on: August 17, 2019, 02:33:07 AM »

@cromwell.. thanx. ! I understand it will be hard. I want to just hear. Everything... / Yoke
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Yoke
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« Reply #19 on: August 18, 2019, 04:32:55 AM »

Hi there. Today I don't feel very well. I woke up with this anxiety. It just came over me. And I know what trigged me.. This, being together with someone, you have a relationship. You get heartbroken. I have been there before and of course i have been sad, griefed and all that stuff. But this time it is different. What makes it so hard to deal with is that she just "disappeared"! After sending me an angry textmessage... NO explanation WHY or WHAT i have done that she just broke up, leaving the ring and went away.. In normal relationships the partner say for example: i dont have feelings for you, ii feel it cant work, i have found someone else etc.. you say it TO your partner, in some way. But me getting broked up our relationship/ engagement after almost 9 months with no explanation- that littery kills me. If you know why, even how hard that is, you get sad but at least you know.. But being left here  without anything to rely on... OMG.. i cant deal with it. To EVERYDAY think of, wonder what I did, what made her leave me... I dont know how to handle it. I dont need a fully closure. I am not expecting it, but just that she would have told me:  I hate you, i dont love uanymore" something like that..  Has anyone being broked up with a textmessage with anger, but u never knew what was the reason? And how did you get over this feeling , the everyday thoughts of what you did? Please respond ! Help me
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« Reply #20 on: August 18, 2019, 07:06:37 PM »

Hi Yoke

Yes I was ghosted for 6 months, this was before I was with her. Simply, we were just friends at that point, she got into a relationship and blocked people out her life. The reasons for it? I never asked her "why"? when she sent me a message one day that just said "guess who!" and her relationship had fallen apart.

She then just texted me 6 months later with a "guess who this" message.

I remember when I realised she was not contactable but I was in my own relationship, I was not deep emotionally involved. I did not know what had happened, if it was something I said or did but I did not feel emotional suffering for it.

Her relationship had collapsed, she was an emotionally depressed mess. We never ever talked about why she had blocked me out in the first place but I got into a r/s with her at that point and was with her for 3 years. In the end I went No contact and did not give - her - a reason why. The reason, I shut down one morning after another night of troubled sleep, to wake to one of her nasty cryptic crazy texts - I could not mentally take it anymore, her behaviour had pushed me into complete need of withdrawl. I remember blocking her and going back to bed, I had read about going no contact, I took the words literally. In my case, telling her "why" was not required - the things she did over that time are plainly obvious to anyone, including her, that more of the question would have been appropiate is "Cromwell, why are you doing this now and not years ago"

Im not well at the moment Yoke, sorry that I could not reply earlier I will need a few days break from the board. It might help if you could talk more about anything that happened before the break up, you said she was angry with you and there were threats from her friends. The more detail you feel able to share the more likely someone will notice and give a suggestion. It is important to make an effort to stop self torture your thoughts trying to figure out what you have done 'wrong'. I know you dont enjoy the vacation here. It is a word I havent come across before though - vacation - is there, in some way, even though you miss her - a feeling of this being a break? Was the relationship difficult not just the way it ended?
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« Reply #21 on: August 19, 2019, 03:42:23 AM »

Hi there. Today I don't feel very well. I woke up with this anxiety. It just came over me. And I know what trigged me.. This, being together with someone, you have a relationship. You get heartbroken. I have been there before and of course i have been sad, griefed and all that stuff. But this time it is different. What makes it so hard to deal with is that she just "disappeared"! After sending me an angry textmessage... NO explanation WHY or WHAT i have done that she just broke up, leaving the ring and went away.. In normal relationships the partner say for example: i dont have feelings for you, ii feel it cant work, i have found someone else etc.. you say it TO your partner, in some way. But me getting broked up our relationship/ engagement after almost 9 months with no explanation- that littery kills me. If you know why, even how hard that is, you get sad but at least you know.. But being left here  without anything to rely on... OMG.. i cant deal with it. To EVERYDAY think of, wonder what I did, what made her leave me... I dont know how to handle it. I dont need a fully closure. I am not expecting it, but just that she would have told me:  I hate you, i dont love uanymore" something like that..  Has anyone being broked up with a textmessage with anger, but u never knew what was the reason? And how did you get over this feeling , the everyday thoughts of what you did? Please respond ! Help me
Hey Yoke, I don't think anyone can fully understand the behaviour pwBPD. I don't think they really understand the motives behind their behaviour. There are good theories out there that make a hell of a lot of sense and, to me, that was enough. My ex said countless times over 6 years that, if we ever broke up, we'd still stay in contact and be friends. I always thought this was a slightly weird topic to always bring up. She also said we'd be F buddies.In the end, when she found someone new, she just wanted to hurt me. I was off her radar and it seems to work like this for pwBPD. Like you, she threatened to call the police on me. However, it was more jealousy related. When I wanted to see friends, or even go to a protest, she would threaten to call the police and say I'm taking drugs or some nonsense. Once, when I was out, she threw all my books on the floor and a model(I built), took a picture of it and sent it to me. These kinds of desperate attempts to avoid feelings of abandonment is normal for them. Logically, when they move to someone else, they don't want their new partner to abandon them so you become an enemy.

What you're going through, it seems, are the 5 stages of grief and it seems denial is a large part, at the moment. This site helped me understand it's normal when going through when understanding pwBPD https://sharischreiber.com/shell-shocked/. The emotional pain you're feeling is a chance to reflect on your life and what to do from now on. Remember, pwBPD live by trying to avoid their emotional turmoil, it does not mean we do. We're better than that can and we can explore these feelings. Perhaps it may be a good idea to see a therapist, if you can. I hope you can get through it. If it helps, the breakup was the worst emotional pain I've ever felt. However, it was also the best experience in hindsight, because it allowed me to grow as a person.

 My best.

Mod note: Shari Schreiber independent review here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273738.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=148844.0
« Last Edit: August 19, 2019, 10:36:38 AM by once removed » Logged
Yoke
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« Reply #22 on: August 19, 2019, 11:17:41 AM »

Thanx @elfyguy @Cromwell. Yes Cromwell, my ex broke up with me so many times during our relationship. Push-pull.? I always came back to apologuise for what made her upset. And we tried again until next breakup. It was so painful everytime and my heart broke.. but I loved her so much, i knew how damaged she felt by her childhood with her father/mother. How she was only try win her fathers  love.. but she failed. She did some times, compare her desperate trying to be my number one, to win my love.. but she said she failed? I have never been so in love with anyone. I loved her to death but she never saw or felt it enough.. i would litteraly die for her... So yes, it was turbulent about 2 months into our relationship.. it started then. With her, recceiving a message from "someone " we dont know who it is... but someone who wanted to destroy mine and my ex relationship by telling my ex that i would never love her enough, that i had eyes for an 5 year old fling! ( crazy!) And that i will abandon my ex if that fling contacted me or wanted me. That! Was the start of my ex insecurity and trustissue against me... And i still dont know who wrote the message. All i know is that it must be one of my "friends"  backstabbing me. When, and i will know it someday.. who wrote it.. then the person willbe sorry that she knew me... i can tell u much more here from the beginning. I will start tomorrow, then you all may get a whole picture of my relationship.. and how, why i think/ feel as i do now. Thanx.
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« Reply #23 on: August 20, 2019, 01:31:47 PM »

Are you better @Cromwell?
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« Reply #24 on: August 20, 2019, 08:32:29 PM »

Yoke!

Thanks for asking, Not yet, but getting there. Run down from a chest infection. Just another thing of unknown origin but the immune system is building itself to deal with. It did mean that I was unable to respond here as much as I wanted to, which is rare, I hope you forgive as I like to respond sooner. Headache and blocked sinuses are gone, that was the most debilitating pain. Id say it was far worse, at the very least it distracted from the BPD stuff, which was interesting to notice in it's own right.

So this interference suspected backstab from somewhere led to her getting suspicious and you feel is the cause of her not trusting anymore? I recall how my ex could be easily led by others who she got into her mind a core group of 'friends' that she trusted beyond anything else. It is almost like nothing would convince her otherwise, they had reached that level of being unquestionable for her to ever think that they would have any motive or personal agenda in anything they might say to her.

It is in the theme of black and white thinking. "all good" or "all bad", I can sort of understand if this is similar to what has happened to you. Do you feel there is a chance that she might actually know the person who told her, but does want you to know, to protect them maybe?

How have you been doing lately? I am ready and a lot better now for hearing more about what has happened thanks Yoke.
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« Reply #25 on: August 20, 2019, 08:46:16 PM »

Hi, Yoke. I’m sorry about the anxiety. I wish that they would voice this thing so I could take a stab at Batman. As it is, no such luck.

You woke with anxiety that just came over you. I get it. What you need to understand is that it’s not normal to wake up like that. Many of us wake up the same way. What’s your story?
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« Reply #26 on: August 21, 2019, 03:05:25 AM »

Thanx @JNChell.! read what my story is about, i have been writing her on the board-  my story-  in reverse a relationship:).  What is your story? Thanx @Cromwell. Glad u feeling better now. ! I hope u tell your story when you are free from the chestinfection.  No Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Cromwell , i dont think that my ex know who wrote the message about me. My friends belives its herself. But You know, she writes in a special way so that cant be true. I know it will come out sooner or later.. my ex, when she got angry in some way and broke up with me, sometimes her friends wrote to me.  For example: at first they told me that i should be caring to my ex because she was so damaged of her childhood, and they even gave me good advices ! The later on during our relationship they Threathend me to call the cops if i bothered my ex...told me it was my fault that she tried comitt suicide, that i was such a bad evil person to my ex because she felt that i never put her first 24/7. One time, when i was away with two friends on a weekend. ( of course she broke up with me few days before we were going)  A "guy" who was my ex ex, wrote a long message to me, telling me he was glad that i treated my ex like that because now they were together. And that i was an idiot .and so on  . That really broke my heart hear that just because we had broke up ( time 8?) She was seeing a guy immediately! I did not enjoy my weekend at all. When i got home i tried text my ex- after a while she answered.. we got together again. She said that she couldnt do anything with the guy, she felt unfaithful just hugging him so he had to leave...Now when i look back i am 90 % sure he was fctive, that it was herself texting it..  You know, things that she did like that, texting me awful messages everytime she broke up with me.. telling her friends to text me, what is that about? Why do they do such?.. I never met her friends, and i do now belive why. Then she couldnt use them against me, if they had met me, because they might liked me and found out am a nice person?.. My ex , had, since the day she got that awful message, been suspicious of my fling, thinking that i do have feelings for her, even though it has been 5 years! The one stupid thing i did in our relationship, is that i kept my fling  ONLY as a friend. I should have broken that friendship directly when i met my ex...:/ but i did later on. Maybe this has been one of the reaons my ex never trusted me?  Maybe.. i know i am not perfect and we all do misstakes. And i told my ex when we were together that i was so sorry for that.!  I know nothing will change the way it is now. I have to try to forget that my ex will take me back... she was not kind to me in many  ways.. but she is not all bad. She is human with huge pain inside. The only thing i am scared of is " what if she has not Bpd? ".. am i critizise her wrong?  Please respond.
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« Reply #27 on: August 21, 2019, 01:52:13 PM »

Hi Yoke

Reading what you have gone through, I look at all the question marks. I remember you said amongst the pain is all this confusion. Youve been through a lot.

It sounds a bit odd, you had contact with her friends with text but have never met any of them only to get advice, suggestions and later on threats. Im thinking Yoke, is this keeping you away from them also so that you did not befriend them and possibly find out more about your ex? her history. It seems like in this relationship it was you and her, in a bubble. I say this because it felt that way for me too.

I also agree with you about being scared of the chance she does not have BPD, it is part of the reason I felt a letter to her saying you did not blame her for it would not be a great idea, she could just invalidate it straight away.

When I was this upset it was extremely difficult to try and figure anything out. It really was a jumble of thoughts, too much at once. Yoke, I do believe and I say this because it is common sense as much as it is my own experience, this stuff once you calm down from it, can relax - it takes time. The pieces of the jigsaw just start to arrive. You know how upset you are now, at the same time having to figure this stuff out. I was there too, sometimes it worked against me, I started to think things and believe them that sent me down dead-end alley ways.

Can I ask, is a big part of the upset you are in now - because you have broke up before several times and went back. Now it has been months, since May, does this pain come from a feeling that "this is not just another break up and go back". Is this why you gave the stuff back, did you have hope and did you wait? it sounds to me like you did.

Im here for you Yoke.
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« Reply #28 on: August 21, 2019, 04:32:33 PM »

Thanx @Cromwell! I never wanted or tried to be friends with her friends that wrote to me. Never. I never contacted them by myself. They just "popped out" on messenger sometimes when me and my ex had a breakup.. To me, its soo strange that you interfear ? Your friends in your relationship.. They have nothing to do with it or have any right to abuse me. They have never met me... but i still think the reason why i never got the chance to see my ex friends was that, if i did.. they might have liked me and maybe saw through my ex lies about me. And then, she couldn't use them against me..? I really wanted to meet them, to see her with her friends, JUST to get to know her better. See her happy with her friends. Thats aĺl. If i shall be honest with you. Today i went to her place, left a long letter and really opend my heart to her. Explained that i had missunderstood her, that i truly was sorry that i have hurted her,  and my love for her. REALLY OPEND my heart.. and then i sent flowers to her by delivery... what did i get back?.. A textmessage , so awful and childish.. saying that I am an awful person, i need therapy 24/7, that i reaĺly need it ! That she never want to see me ever again, And that she has just now got in a new relationship and that I shall leave her the fxxx alone!... Mature? NO. I got shocked when i got it, then extreamly sad.. not that i expected me open arms or something. Just that someone you were engaged to 9 month , had a relationship with, and that someone said SHE LOVED ME.. and next day left. And STILL has such anger and hate.. towards someone you had sex with xxx times a day/ that you spent 24/7 with 9 months with.. can be so cruel when you really try to apologuise and has no other intention than to be kind... to me.. it totally is so unfair... do i hate her now? no.. And to your question  if i feel pain just that before i could go back after the breakup.. and makeup. But not now.. Some part of my pain - yes. But the main reason for my pain.. i belive comes from the way she treated me with the rage, anger, hate.. the accusations and not knowing WHAT i did do wrong. Just that i had did something wrong that made her be a borderlion.. The feeling of have being psychical abused.. by someone you only try and feel you love to death... That is my biggest wound .. that i never feel i will overcome... And yes , of course i still had some hope she would come to a time that she felt her anger and huge rage was too much, and felt that she was taking the hate too far and realize she did some wrong . And understand that i am not an awful person. And that she might feel some day.. that my love was so strong and true.. But after today- i have lost all hope on that. She won. I was the one who lost her heart, not otherwise like she always said too me ... so i will try to figure out how to delete her in my heart now. So damn hard!
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« Reply #29 on: August 21, 2019, 05:51:02 PM »

Hi Yoke

That does sound immature text to get, after flowers and the letter.

I know this has been troubling you, to let her know how you feel. Youve taken that step now, she read it.

Can I ask, how it feels that you got your chance to say what you wanted to say to her?
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« Reply #30 on: August 24, 2019, 07:43:04 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the posting limit and has been locked. The discussion is continued here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339077.msg13071862#msg13071862
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