My first post: coming out of the fog

[ready4change35]

This my first post here.  I am desperate for some help and guidance, or maybe just understanding.

I have been married for 12 years and with my spouse for 18.  Things have always been tumultuous but I never really understand why.  He would have these rage episodes and somehow I would be the one apologizing and then I would doubt my version of the events...maybe it was my fault, or I made him yell, or it wasn't so bad.

I never knew what was going to set him off, stepping on a crumb in the house, being late etc.  Or I would pay for things, if I went out with girlfriends the next day he would explode about something unrelated.  I worked really hard to keep him happy.  His spending was extreme, he always thought he worked hard and deserved things.  Me are in debt and yet he still plans trips, shopping sprees, guys weekends, new electronics, and  last night, paying a woman for sex even though we have $1000 to our name.  I have tried budgetting, saving, pleading, it doesn't work.  If I do thoughtfully spend money on myself, I am pointed at and said, see, see you spend money too.  It's not the same.

We have been in counseling since January.  Couples and individual.  This is the first time I have been able to get him to consistenly see someone, although when things are good, he stops.  She recently told me I needed to read the book stop walking on eggshells and splitting. 

It was like an entire world and floodgate opened up.  I have read EVERYTHING i can get my hands on and can't believe it is my life.  I am currently reading gaslighting and it is making me remember events that I doubted my own version of.  I am suddenly terrified and can't believe what my life has become.  I have washed over these horrible events, because somehow I apologized and made to believe his version. 

I am so torn because after these events, he is the sweetest person on the planet, how bad the blow up determines how long he is sweet for.  I can't do this anymore, I am terrified

I need help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Congratulations on finding the enigma machine to your reality. This is an important step.  You seem keen to absorb information which is brilliant. We have plenty of information here which should be helpful for you.

I can totally empathise with your point about when things are great they’re great. My W too can be the most amazing person (mainly to everyone else) and then on the flip side the darkest most cruel person.

You mention some pretty serious things on your post. He paid for sex? How did you find out about this and is it a regular occupancy? How do you feel about this given you’re married, I got the sense that you didn’t see the act as wrong, more that he had spent money you don’t have. Financial irresponsibility is very common with pwBPD as is infidelity. Do you work and have access to your own income? Do you have children together?

I’m so so glad you’re here, you are amongst friends in a global network with common experiences. Please please stay and post, read other threads and post where you feel you want to. Myself and the other board members look forward to working with you to overcome some of the issues you have, improve your position, help you make better choices and probably most importantly provide a place where you feel you can explore BPD, your relationship and yourself.

We believe in unicorns

Enabler

[Ozzie101]

Hi ready! I'd like to join Enabler in welcoming you to the family.

You've landed in a safe place and we have lots of support and guidance to give. And understanding.

My marriage is only 1/4 as long as yours, but I know what it feels like to be trapped in what feels like some dark, crazy town only to suddenly have the lights turned on. I, too, apologized for his rage and scrambled to find ways to placate him.

My H is a wonderful husband -- funny, thoughtful, caring, intelligent. Until he's not. While I've been working on it and getting better, I still feel like I'm walking through an Indiana Jones-style cave full of boobytraps, never sure when something's going to trigger a sudden explosion.

We're here. We get it. We want to help. Enabler has asked some good questions that I hope you'll answer. Are there any particular aspects of your relationship that you feel are most pressing -- that you want to tackle first?

[ready4change35]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies.  It is a long and hard relationship to explain.  I am having trouble with the floodgates of emotions, please tell me this is normal?  It is like someone has shined a light on this behavior that for so long I knew wasn't ok, but couldn't quite put into words.

As for the sex, well it is a long story.  We started out as swingers.  We had great sex and I am a very open minded individual.  Honestly, I knew it would make him happy.  In a way it is probably the best thing I have ever done, because it gave me such confidence.  I have completely changed as an individual in the 4 years we have been doing this.  But I have always felt it was a way for him to have control over me, like I was walking a tightrope to keep him happy.

About a year ago we started to explore playing separately.  It was a huge fantasy of him(hotwife, stag/vixen, cuckold, etc).  Long story short, I eventually signed up for a site called seeking.  I am naturally attracted to older men and was finding I was meeting awesome men with financial benefits.  We are in a lot of debt.  My husband loved the sexual piece and also the money.  I had one encounter that we slept together the first time we met each other, but other than that, it was normal dating, I truly wasn't an escort.  I went on a lot of first dates, but had lasting relationships with 3 of them.  

My husband decided that he too would go on that site.  It has resulted in him having relationships with 3 women.  I was unhappy about him paying for these relationships, first because we didn't have the money, secondly, because he made it feel escorty.  We got into an argument this week, its a long story, but he decided he wasn't comfortable with me seeing other men, all because I didn't read a text message to see how much money one of my long term partners sent me.  I feel like this is some weird cycle for him.  It gives him sexual arousal but also triggers his fear of abandonment.  Then we somehow have an explosive rage over something unrelated, I sigh wrong, or stand up for these distorted accusations that are thrown at me and somehow I end up apologizing and believing his cycle of events, reassuring him I love him and we are back on happy ground again.  


After our last fight, he told me I was no longer allowed to see other men anymore, I happily agreed.  I wanted him to know I loved him, but I know I did nothing wrong.  I feel so crazy in these fights tometimes, they leave my head spinning and questioning my grasp of reality, maybe I am the one in the wrong.

But this week, after all that,  he went on the site, found a woman who was traveling to NYC(where he is for work) she had 2 hours free, they met at a bar then went and had sex, that he paid for.  If I did this behavior he would be through the roof, on so many levels,

I wrote an excerpt for my therapist to read and maybe it could be helpful to share here.  It was after a swinger event that I did NOT feel comfortable at.  For a lot of reasons, we left and this is what happened in the car.  I was told afterward emphatically that he didn't hit me, he didn't mean to, it wasn't that bad.  This was a year ago and I finally brushed it under the rug, I had my super sweet husband back afterwards, he was on his best behavior, maybe I did remember the situation wrong...  I didn't believe my version of events, but now that I read about gaslightting it has opened the floodgates to me revisiting that night, and other nights, I have hid in the shower, or left the house, or our honeymoon when he put a hole in a door.


"I have experienced such intense and sudden mood swings over the years, some have been so scary.  I feel like reading this book is validating a lot of things in my life and bringing to the surface some awful memories or fights that I have repressed over the years.  And one of the things I read about is gaslighting.  Scenarios in these books match my life to a tee.  I was made to doubt my version of the events, over and over and over.  I somehow would walk away from these violent rages apologizing, thinking I was the one wrong.  I cant tell you how many times I have somehow ran and cowered.  But I have believed maybe my version of the events were wrong.  The night in the car, the night he hit me.  I remember being terrified for my life in that car.  I BEGGED him to stop screaming at me.  I was shaking, trying to pull over, he wouldnt let me, I begged to dial 911, I begged and pleaded, J. he was red in the face, he was spitting on me screaming.  I was slowing down, screaming at me to speed up, I was terrified.  I remember his fist coming across the car, he hit me in the jaw.  After that I cant remember much, I never knew how I got home.  I remember trying to get the kids that night, should I leave them, should I go, hiding,


This was the first time he hit me, but over the years, we have had a few like that.  I was convinced I was wrong, I somehow apologized.  But afterwards, man, he would become the best husband, so sweet, and cutesy, he was my “tigey” remember,  he just brought out the claws, but I made him do it, remember why, I did xyz to provoke him.  I believed him, what would I do if I didn’t, have another fight like that.  I was made to feel it was my fault that I provoked him and that he didn’t mean to hit me, that I misinterpreted that.  How can I misinterpreted the fear I felt that night?  Anytime I bring it up he say he didn’t mean to hit me.  Then why did I threaten to call 911 before he hit me J.?  I am having a HARD time coming to terms with the memories of that night.  I really dont think I have truly shared how terrified I was.  I need some guidance in how to handle the barrage of emotions this has unleashed, the memories I am questioning, is something wrong with me.  Am I truly the one in the wrong like I have always been made to think, that as he says to me “ I wouoldn’t have had to yell at you (or do xyz) if you hadn’t done xyz first.

[Ozzie101]

That sounds like a terrifying experience. I can understand why it keeps popping back into your thoughts.

Your H's reaction is, unfortunately, typical in abusive situations. My own situation never crossed over into the directly physical, but there was verbal/emotional abuse. Reading books by Lundy Bancroft did a LOT to help me understand more about the abusive mindset and how to tell when/if genuine change is possible.

You say there have been other incidents of physical abuse. Is your counselor aware of this? Have you ever spoken to a DV counselor?

[Radcliff]

Welcome.  I'm sorry to hear about the tough situation you are in, but am glad you're here.  You're getting some great support from Ozzie101 and Enabler.  All of the emotions you are experiencing are normal.  Beginning to realize that we're in an abusive relationship, breaking down the minimization and denial we've been using to cope, can be very scary.  You are not crazy, and you deserve to be safe and feel safe.

Ozzie101 asks some good questions above.  Please keep bringing us up to speed on your situation.

RC

[Enabler]

Morning Ready4Charge35,

The sexual side of things sounds complicated (to me) and something where both of you have maybe ill defined and fluctuating boundaries as to what is and isn't okay with other people. It's difficult to unpick peoples motivations for extramarital relationships both consensual or secretive, you seem to suggest his motivation could be power and control... this would certainly make sense in the context of BPD and in my experience with other men I sense that it's a way of feeling powerful and boosting their egos more than necessarily getting their rocks off.

The physical violence is clearly not consensual and very serious. It sounds like there have been multiple incidents of violence in and out of the home, could you tell us about these and what actions you or he has taken?

You mention children, how do they fit into your life, do they live with you and what exposure do they have to this dysfunction?

Stay safe

Enabler

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Ready4change35,

I want to second what Radcliff said. You deserve to be safe. Have you ever heard of making a safety plan? We have some links here on the website that can explain more about how to stay safe in a relationship that has or may become violent:

Safety First

Safety First safety plan

I was punched in the jaw once, too. I also have trouble remembering exactly what happened afterward. Bits and pieces are all I can catch when I try to think about it. It's a very scary thing to go through 

[Radcliff]

It's been a little while.  How are you doing?

RC