Unbpd Mom, pregnant with first child

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first child. My mom is an unBPD. My contact with her has been quite low over the last few years and this has worked well for my sanity and enabled me to live a fairly peaceful and happy life. I find what little contact I do have with her is typically full of drama and her demanding that her needs get met, even if it means putting us out or not considering our needs or feelings. Since I’ve announced my pregnancy, my mom has been emailing me a lot. Her emails are VERY over the top, how excited she is for the baby, how much she thinks of me EVERY day, how she can’t wait for the arrival of her precious, precious grandchild etc…. There’s something about it that really freaks me out and turns me off. So I’ve been even more distant lately, which as a result has made her even more angry and reactive. I just find her actions and her words are two completely separate things. She's tried to guilt me by saying she has gifts for the baby and how excited she was to give them to me but now is disappointed because she couldn't give them to me right away. I don’t really know how to handle this. I’m scared of being engulfed by her.

My mom’s emotions are always very extreme in nature, they range from "I LOVE you soo much!, it's like Christmas every time I see you." And can be super clingy, and kind of childish, to being super pissed off, angry, raging and ignoring me. There seems to be very little middle ground. I’m afraid of how she will be with our child. I want nothing more than to protect my child and I don’t want them experiencing the same garbage I have the past 35 years. Low contact like I said has worked quite well and now I feel she's trying to fight against that because there's a baby on the way. Any advice on how to handle this?

[Flintridge]

I’m currently 18 weeks pregnant with my first child. My mom is an unBPD. My contact with her has been quite low over the last few years and this has worked well for my sanity and enabled me to live a fairly peaceful and happy life. I find what little contact I do have with her is typically full of drama and her demanding that her needs get met, even if it means putting us out or not considering our needs or feelings. Since I’ve announced my pregnancy, my mom has been emailing me a lot. Her emails are VERY over the top, how excited she is for the baby, how much she thinks of me EVERY day, how she can’t wait for the arrival of her precious, precious grandchild etc…. There’s something about it that really freaks me out and turns me off. So I’ve been even more distant lately, which as a result has made her even more angry and reactive. I just find her actions and her words are two completely separate things. She's tried to guilt me by saying she has gifts for the baby and how excited she was to give them to me but now is disappointed because she couldn't give them to me right away. I don’t really know how to handle this. I’m scared of being engulfed by her.

My mom’s emotions are always very extreme in nature, they range from "I LOVE you soo much!, it's like Christmas every time I see you." And can be super clingy, and kind of childish, to being super pissed off, angry, raging and ignoring me. There seems to be very little middle ground. I’m afraid of how she will be with our child. I want nothing more than to protect my child and I don’t want them experiencing the same garbage I have the past 35 years. Low contact like I said has worked quite well and now I feel she's trying to fight against that because there's a baby on the way. Any advice on how to handle this?

[JNChell]

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! Babies are gifts. Boundaries and tools. Are you able to navigate the site?

[pursuingJoy]

Flintridge, congratulations! I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy, physically, emotionally and mentally.

I want nothing more than to protect my child and I don’t want them experiencing the same garbage I have the past 35 years.

I sure understand this. My kids provided me with the courage and incentive to better protect myself. I didn't want them learning bad habits or being treated the way I was. It does sound like your pregnancy changed the rules of engagement for her. Have the rules changed for you? Do you want to continue low contact with her? If so, are you able to maintain the same boundaries?

I felt powerless for so long. Part of breaking away from my NPD dad was realizing that I actually had power. I know you don't want to be engulfed, so what are your options?

pj