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Author Topic: How to talk with BPD children who are incarcerated  (Read 397 times)
FaithHopeLove
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« on: August 10, 2019, 05:51:01 PM »

Well I guess it is time for me to face reality and start thinking about how to talk to my newly incarcerated BPD son. Who else has been in this situation who has words of wisdom to share about what to say when we visit or they call? I am so sad but I am still determined to do my best.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
PeaceMom
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2019, 09:28:00 AM »

Faith,
I was waiting to see if anyone responded with sage advice.
We did 90% wrong when DS was arrested in college for selling pot.
-I cried on phone telling him how ashamed and let down I was
-his Dad told him he’d hire an attorney (and he did)
- I expressed serious anger over his “stupidity”
-I shared my deep FEAR and hopelessness for his well being while being in jail for s 3 month sentence-my fear caused him great distress
-I told him we would not be sharing his problem with family or friends bc we were too embarrassed and ashamed
-I worked very hard on his behalf to help him take s semester off and still be able to come back and graduate which he did-this took hours and hours of my time.
-we chose not to discuss this whole traumatic experience with him afterward thus further shaming him bc it was so painful to us. It’s one of the many black spots on our family.
-we had never heard of the possible BP mania which can fuel this type of behavior so we were in denial that it was a huge part of his impulsivity.

What I should have done-calmed myself before every interaction, validated whatever feeling he was having, give sage nonjudgmental advice ONLY when asked and just loved him thru the phone line sharing hope for the future. EPIC fail on my part.

That was painful to write here and I’m in tears. I hope it helps
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2019, 09:39:25 AM »

Thank you for your honesty, Peacemom, and for your willingness to discuss something that is still very painful for you. We are definitely not shaming my son but we are, at his request, hiring an attorney. Do you think that is a mistake? Remember we are not talking about a pot charge. We are talking about felony trafficking which could mean a substantial prison sentence.
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2019, 09:47:51 AM »

Faith,
My kid had several felony charges. I guess he was growing it and distributing it. This was our first brush with the law and we had no idea the kid even drank so we felt it was just a stupid thing done by a 20 year old.

You will know in your gut if hiring an Atty vs him going thru the system w/public defender (if he’s indigent) is your best bet toward helping him change. Your son lives independently so I assume he has money. The fines, court costs and attorneys fees are gonna be very expensive. Could you sell his car to fund this? Attorneys can miraculously make hassles disappear and he could come out if this in 6 mos fairly unscathed.

What can he do to contribute to his legal defense moneywise?
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2019, 09:48:55 AM »

Gotta have skin in the game, right?
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2019, 09:59:13 AM »

He has money from selling drugs. His car has been confiscated. My sense is to go ahead and hire an attorney with the understanding that he will reimburse us. Your point about him needing skin in the game is valid. 
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PeaceMom
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« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2019, 10:08:36 AM »

My son was to “reimburse” us. That did not happen so I wish we would have thought more clearly “is this a gift we are willing to make?”
If your son has money today that he can spare to post his own bail and maybe do the initial attorney retainer, I’d suggest him taking charge and paying that unless he’s going the “indigent” route.
Honestly, if he has his own money, I would not pay a penny until he was a zero dollars. Are you concerned about him going thru all his money?
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livednlearned
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« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2019, 10:12:30 AM »

Skin in the game can mean many things.

If you hire the attorney, can you ask that you are included in attorney-client privilege?

It might be better to communicate directly with the L when you have questions (or requests) rather than paying for something you can't even gather information about. It would also allow you to remain detached in conversation with your son, rather than wanting to find out from him how things are going.

And maybe even be explicit (at least with H) about under what conditions you will continue to pay. When will you know that it's working/not working and what will you do then?
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Breathe.
LoveOnTheRocks
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« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2019, 10:20:40 AM »

The attorney client privilege is possibly not a good idea.  Only the attorney and client have that, and most attorneys don't want others in the loop, because anything they see, hear, discuss, can be brought out in court by opposing counsel.  So, it will likely be the attorney who controls this aspect of the representation, and to the extent they feel it needs to happen for the benefit of the offender.

 
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2019, 10:41:46 AM »

There is no bail so that is a non-issue. Part of the problem is we have not been able to talk with our son yet due to problems with the jail's phone system. Hopefully that will be resolved soon. Then we can discuss how he will pay the lawyer.  I am not really interested in knowing all the details of the case at every step, but I would like to be reimbursed for whatever money I put out and I am pretty sure I will be.
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wendydarling
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« Reply #10 on: August 11, 2019, 10:55:48 AM »

Excerpt
Part of the problem is we have not been able to talk with our son yet due to problems with the jail's phone system. Hopefully that will be resolved soon.
I hope this is resolved soon, it's given you sometime to think and feeling your feelings of anger, sadness and share with us. I've no experience of this, no doubt DS has a lot to share so your listening with empathy, validation, asking validating questions supporting his problem solving come to the fore.

Crisis kicks us into action, you are doing your very best Faith and we are listening and walking with you  

WDx
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Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2019, 11:38:14 AM »

Thanks,  WD. I am actually pretty good in a crisis. My pattern is to kick into gear and process my feelings later. I will see my son in jail Thursday morning. I will be prayed up. If I have crappy feelings to process I will do what I always do, share them with you in this safe space. Thanks to all for being there for me.
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Elizabeth22
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« Reply #12 on: August 15, 2019, 11:11:24 PM »

Hi Faith, Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

I am just dropping by, I havent been here in a while but will be back posting as soon as I can get my thoughts together.
Bringing hugs tho  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Anyway, I see you have more to deal with and I am so very sorry for this, for you, and your family.

I have read the threads pretty quickly and this is my take:
He said he would go to rehab and didnt
You said you wont pay his bail - good call there
If it was me, I would not be paying for the attorney either.
I know you have worked in the system, I have too, I'm a lawyer. There are some great public defenders who do what they do because they love it. Our best criminal defense attorney in our area started out at a public defender. I sat on a jury with a public defender as counsel for the defense. If I ever need a lawyer, I want that guy. There are some very talented and devoted public defenders out there and a plea bargain in exchange for rehab does not sound unusual to me at all.
That is just what I would do, but you have to do what you would do. Personally, I think it's time for your son to really account for his choices and to me that would mean he gets his own public defender and does this on his own. But again, that is what I would do.

My son was arrested before, and I did not know. Had I known, I would have done everything for him and he would not have learned a thing from it. He is also now having a legal issue over his son, and before I would have stepped in and handled it. It's serious. He asked me to help. I said no. He is doing it on his own and learning from it.

Love to you,
Elizabeth22
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