Need help responding to Mom's email

[Depression = 72% of members]

First time poster. I'm hoping for some guidance on responding to an email from my Mom. I suspect she has some BPD traits although I'm not sure. My parents live nearby. Mom comes from a physically/sexually abusive home and had been in counseling/therapy on and off almost my entire childhood. I got married a few years ago and had a son. My brother's family also lives nearby. He is married with one son also.

The past few years have been transitional for my parents as they are going to be retiring next year and moving several hours away from us. It has also been difficult for my Mom having grandsons now since she has a rocky relationship with her DILs. She has often told me that she does not get enough time with her grandsons and feels like her DILs do not love her. At times she gets in a mood where she seems to think they are actively opposing her and trying to keep the grandsons away from her because they hate her. This is not true, of course.

There has been intermittent drama surrounding my parents' pending retirement. My Mom seems heartbroken at the prospect of living so far away from her grandsons, but at the same time she hates where we're living now and very much wants to live where they plan on retiring. She has been trying to convince my brother and I to move our families closer to where they will be living so they can visit more easily. She seems to think that it's her DILs who want to continue living where we are now, and that they are controlling or manipulating my brother and I into choosing to stay put. She keeps encouraging me to "be an assertive leader" and whatnot. She doesn't seem to hear (or just forgets) when I tell her that my wife and I make decisions about where to live together, that I'm not being controlled or manipulated, and that while we currently do have intentions to move out into the country (we don't like city life) we can make no promises that our eventual move will be closer to where they will be living. This is a frustrating situation to be in.

Mom has a habit of sending me book-size emails (multiple pages) on various topics. Sometimes these emails are innocuous, other times she clearly has something she's trying to get.  I received an email from her that was pleasant overall, but contained subtle messages per her usual. She explained that they had met a neighbor there who also had a house in the same city as his grandkids, and that he gets to see his grandkids "every other day." She then shared how she had only gotten to see our son 2 times each month for the past year (I guess she did the calculations). She says this is not my fault, but that she "can't figure out why" she isn't seeing our son that often. We have an open invitation to them to stop by whenever they want to see our son (they just have to text first to make sure we're not busy). They rarely take advantage of this. It's like she expects us to always be the ones initiating these get togethers. We do invite them for dinner on occasion, and they babysit regularly (every other week). We have never refused to let them see our son.

She also shared how this neighbor's grandkids LOVE visiting him at his retirement place. Then she again says that she hopes my brother and I will move closer to where they will be. She shares details about a town closer to them that is "beautiful" and has "plenty of nice housing" and so forth. Overall her email is very pleasant. I'm not quite sure how to respond. In the past I've tried to walk the line between giving her everything she wants and agreeing with her 100% and totally opposing what she said and trying to argue against it. My visceral response is to explain to her how inappropriate her email is, but I know that won't work. Judging from past experience, she just can't understand how she comes across.

Any guidance on responding to an email like this? I want to make her understand how hurtful she is being, but I don't think I can. I want to set a clear boundary and explain that our family makes decisions that are in our best interest, and we're not going to move closer to them just because that's what they want, that they are making the choice to move further away, and that the only reason she isn't seeing our son more often is because she isn't initiating visits. In the past, when I've responded more forcefully to her it has NOT gone well. Either she responds with more book emails with even more hurtful content, or we end up having marathon phone conversations where she explains how I'm wrong about everything. She's very good at casting herself as the victim, even when she is being hurtful to others. Her "moods" can last for weeks and cause a lot of pain. She eventually pulls out of it and gets back to normal, but ends up having conflicting memories of what happened. She often won't remember the hurtful things she said, but if we said anything she interpreted as hurtful that will get remembered for all eternity.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[PoopedDad]

First time poster. I'm hoping for some guidance on responding to an email from my Mom. I suspect she has some BPD traits although I'm not sure. My parents live nearby. Mom comes from a physically/sexually abusive home and had been in counseling/therapy on and off almost my entire childhood. I got married a few years ago and had a son. My brother's family also lives nearby. He is married with one son also.

The past few years have been transitional for my parents as they are going to be retiring next year and moving several hours away from us. It has also been difficult for my Mom having grandsons now since she has a rocky relationship with her DILs. She has often told me that she does not get enough time with her grandsons and feels like her DILs do not love her. At times she gets in a mood where she seems to think they are actively opposing her and trying to keep the grandsons away from her because they hate her. This is not true, of course.

There has been intermittent drama surrounding my parents' pending retirement. My Mom seems heartbroken at the prospect of living so far away from her grandsons, but at the same time she hates where we're living now and very much wants to live where they plan on retiring. She has been trying to convince my brother and I to move our families closer to where they will be living so they can visit more easily. She seems to think that it's her DILs who want to continue living where we are now, and that they are controlling or manipulating my brother and I into choosing to stay put. She keeps encouraging me to "be an assertive leader" and whatnot. She doesn't seem to hear (or just forgets) when I tell her that my wife and I make decisions about where to live together, that I'm not being controlled or manipulated, and that while we currently do have intentions to move out into the country (we don't like city life) we can make no promises that our eventual move will be closer to where they will be living. This is a frustrating situation to be in.

Mom has a habit of sending me book-size emails (multiple pages) on various topics. Sometimes these emails are innocuous, other times she clearly has something she's trying to get.  I received an email from her that was pleasant overall, but contained subtle messages per her usual. She explained that they had met a neighbor there who also had a house in the same city as his grandkids, and that he gets to see his grandkids "every other day." She then shared how she had only gotten to see our son 2 times each month for the past year (I guess she did the calculations). She says this is not my fault, but that she "can't figure out why" she isn't seeing our son that often. We have an open invitation to them to stop by whenever they want to see our son (they just have to text first to make sure we're not busy). They rarely take advantage of this. It's like she expects us to always be the ones initiating these get togethers. We do invite them for dinner on occasion, and they babysit regularly (every other week). We have never refused to let them see our son.

She also shared how this neighbor's grandkids LOVE visiting him at his retirement place. Then she again says that she hopes my brother and I will move closer to where they will be. She shares details about a town closer to them that is "beautiful" and has "plenty of nice housing" and so forth. Overall her email is very pleasant. I'm not quite sure how to respond. In the past I've tried to walk the line between giving her everything she wants and agreeing with her 100% and totally opposing what she said and trying to argue against it. My visceral response is to explain to her how inappropriate her email is, but I know that won't work. Judging from past experience, she just can't understand how she comes across.

Any guidance on responding to an email like this? I want to make her understand how hurtful she is being, but I don't think I can. I want to set a clear boundary and explain that our family makes decisions that are in our best interest, and we're not going to move closer to them just because that's what they want, that they are making the choice to move further away, and that the only reason she isn't seeing our son more often is because she isn't initiating visits. In the past, when I've responded more forcefully to her it has NOT gone well. Either she responds with more book emails with even more hurtful content, or we end up having marathon phone conversations where she explains how I'm wrong about everything. She's very good at casting herself as the victim, even when she is being hurtful to others. Her "moods" can last for weeks and cause a lot of pain. She eventually pulls out of it and gets back to normal, but ends up having conflicting memories of what happened. She often won't remember the hurtful things she said, but if we said anything she interpreted as hurtful that will get remembered for all eternity.

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[once removed]

is there any reason to directly respond to the tricky parts? sometimes it just gives weight to what is mostly just venting.

i was going to suggest more get togethers...it sounds like youre doing a fair amount of that.