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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: sex with BPDs  (Read 767 times)
jinglebells1989
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« on: August 19, 2019, 08:12:52 PM »

Hi, All -

I'm on a posting binge here and this one might be a little too graphic, and if so Mods please feel free to take it down. Although I do hope you read the whole thing here because this question is one that I've thought about quite a bit.

The sex with my ex girlfriend was really good which I know isn't uncommon with folks with BPD. Her favorite position was on top and she orgasmed pretty much every time. Now, I'm 30 years old and I've slept with probably close to 30 women. I've seen girls have orgasms before when I'm having sex with them and can tell the difference between faking and not so into it but more into the appearance vs. actual, real and intense.

This girl I dated seemed to orgasm every time. Always on top. At the time it made me feel really good because I have a very high sex drive and want to make sure the woman I'm with is enjoying herself. I'm also what a-lot of people would consider "alpha" in both looks and appearance. Now, I'm not saying I'm this superhero looking physique guy with incredibly charm and wit. I am attractive but nothing like tom cruise. My attitude can be very dominate at times.

So while I was dating her I figured she must really enjoy the sex. She would always comment on me having a nice butt, arms and legs. She usually initiated the sex and sexting, not me, etc. But the further out I get from the breakup, I'm starting to wonder if the orgasm everytime intensity is the same with all people they idealize?

This brings me into my next question/point. The guys at work who my ex starting hanging around with are real scum bags. Not attractive and both live at home with their parents. One is overweight and an alcoholic while the other is skinny short and has acne. My ex is a beautiful girl. She doesn't accentuate herself as much as she could, but still a beautiful girl.

Having said all this I'm almost wondering if she had sex with these two guys. And if so, I wonder if was as intense as it was with me? I'm 6'2'', in shape, muscular, make good money and have a good job. I always can be very witty and charming. And I know it makes me sound like an arrogant jerk but I can't imagine what she saw in those two idiots. I think it must have been the immediate attention from two clowns who she knew would lick her heel whenever she asked. But it just kills me thinking she might have had sex with them. When we were dating she once told me that she had always viewed sex as a way to get someone to like her. That alone broke my heart, but to think she could have banged these two loser idiots at my job kills me. She's such a talented and beautiful girl and to think of her degrading herself like that just for some attention stings badly.

So what do you think?
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2019, 09:20:55 PM »

are you asking if we think she had sex with the two guys? or are you asking if we think it was intense as the sex she had with you?
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itsmeSnap
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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2019, 03:52:14 AM »

Excerpt
but I can't imagine what she saw in those two idiots.
You're not certain she even saw something in them right?

Maybe she wanted a breather from being attractive and getting only "that kind" of attention.

Girls also have male friends you know Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) even if they wish they could be with her, its not automatic that it happens.

Trust me, I've been on both sides of the situation (being the "friend" with a crush on her, seeing a girl I'm dating shutting down guy after guy while being with me).

Excerpt
to think of her degrading herself like that just for some attention stings badly.
If she doesn't see it as degrading then its nothing more than her experiencing her sexuality.

That doesn't really reflect on you does it? Why take offense/pain from a choice that has little to do with you.

Excerpt
she once told me that she had always viewed sex as a way to get someone to like her.
My bpdexgf also said something similar, that she would have sex with someone to prove herself attractive.

She loved being loved, lusted for, and quite frankly who doesn't Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) I loved making her want me, and I loved that she wanted me to want her and did everything she could to achieve it.

It worked ok for a while for both of us, though it ultimately proved unsustainable (we weren't doing it for the right reasons, just the mutual ego boost)

If you think about it maybe you were the guy some other dude didn't approve of because you were with her for some time instead of him, kinda gives you some perspective from the other side doesn't it? What would you think of the other dude if you knew he was still agonizing over the girl you're dating?
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2019, 04:52:55 AM »

Once removed,

Yes.

Itsmesnap,

Yeah I guess it’s possible she was just friends with these guys , but how many bpd women have guy friends who are actually just that? Aren’t they notorious for sleeping with tons of guys? I mean she came on so strong with me so she clearly has no problem making the first move.

What sucks is that she used to make fun of these guys while we were dating and so did/does everyone else at work: literally everyone laughed at these idiots and put them down behind their backs, yet she goes and gets all cozy with them after the breakup. I still can’t believe it.

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« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2019, 12:08:52 PM »

Yes.

i could guess either way. you know her better than i do.

whats going on friend? are you missing her? missing the sex? both?

are you feeling like if she had sex with them that it reflects on you or your relationship?
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2019, 02:38:10 PM »

Yes it makes me feel terrible. She’s a beautiful girl and inhibit her attention and affection was because of how much she liked me but it seems that she gives it away to whomever reciprocates it.

I guess on the other hand she could have liked me so much that when I ended things she felt like she had to get atebtion from anybody to help with the pain.

Who knows.

But yes of course I miss her. I’ve got to just get through the grieving stages and I think I should be fine. Not sure where I’m at though. I don’t think I’ve fully accepted that it’s really over. Logically I know it’s in my best interest to stay away, but having to see her every day at work really haults the healing process some days. It’s like some days I’m doing fine but then I’ll see her and it’s like I’m back to stage 1. Not sure how I’m going to get through this if I’m being completely honest.

And she’s not a stupid person. Maybe emotionally but not intellectually. For the life of me I can’t fathom why she has done so many self destructive things since we broke up. I cannot believe she doesn’t realize how she’s acting. Just sucks.
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« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2019, 07:30:05 PM »

I think it must have been the immediate attention from two clowns who she knew would lick her heel whenever she asked. But it just kills me thinking she might have had sex with them. When we were dating she once told me that she had always viewed sex as a way to get someone to like her. That alone broke my heart, but to think she could have banged these two loser idiots at my job kills me. She's such a talented and beautiful girl and to think of her degrading herself like that just for some attention stings badly.

So what do you think?

I think because you said before you want to deal with this productively. Id like to ask a question

How do you feel when you re-visualise these idiot, loser, clowns banging her?
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2019, 09:39:44 PM »

breaks my heart is how I feel.
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ColdKnight
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« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2019, 02:13:25 AM »

“And she’s not a stupid person. Maybe emotionally but not intellectually. For the life of me I can’t fathom why she has done so many self destructive things since we broke up. I cannot believe she doesn’t realize how she’s acting. Just sucks.”

That is a question I constantly think about. The girl I was involved with has utterly destroyed her reputation at the company. She has a reputation of being a slut and a home wrecker. She has been here just over three years. She even told me that she was thinking about leaving because she knows her reputation is destroyed.

She started our company late in life, mid 30’s, coming from another career. There is no doubt in my mind she brought the exact same carnage down upon herself at her last job which was all the way across the country.

So do they know what they are doing and just cannot help themselves? Do they think “oh no, I have a fresh start but here I go again. I’m sleeping with a married man at the company”
Do they know and not care? Or do they not even know what they are doing.

It can’t be a good feeling coming into work knowing everyone thinks you are a slut and a home wrecker.

At some point I think they would look around and see that they are the one at the center of all the destruction.
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« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2019, 02:44:35 AM »

breaks my heart is how I feel.

Would you feel the same if she had slept with someone else who you compare against, that is more physically attractive, between yourself and say, Tom Cruise?

Would it have been a rational choice she would have made, something you could understand and make sense of - or would it still have been BPD attention-seeking?
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2019, 10:30:34 AM »

@coldknight.

Exactly. When I was involved with her it was clear she wasn't stupid. I'd even describe her as street smart. Cunning almost.


So it's like why would someone like that who is HYPERAWARE of the littlest reactions from people not be able to understand what a fool they are making of themselves. I guess the disorder and feelings of abandonment and shame are so strong that when they're acting out like this they can somehow put it out of their mind.
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2019, 10:32:58 AM »

Would you feel the same if she had slept with someone else who you compare against, that is more physically attractive, between yourself and say, Tom Cruise?

Would it have been a rational choice she would have made, something you could understand and make sense of - or would it still have been BPD attention-seeking?

TBH yes if she went after another good looking smart dude I don't think I would have been that upset. She doesn't wear makeup often but IMO she is still very attractive. Perhaps she was only using these guys for attention and not sleeping with them? But her behavior is so promiscuous that I would be shocked if she didn't sleep with them. I mean it was easy for me. And initially I thought it was because of how awesome she thought I was. But when you see her getting cozy with other male coworkers like she did with me you can't help but wonder what's going on outside of work. Again, I'm pretty sure she slept with them both.
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« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2019, 12:09:53 PM »

you know, my ex left me for another guy that i quickly realized she had been exploring the possibility with for some time before we broke up.

what caught me off guard is that he looked a lot like me. a lot. not just on the surface; we both have, for example, very distinct noses. at the time, i would tell people that he was my less good looking clone. i told myself that if she had to find a less good looking version of me, that i had "won".

i was trying to soothe a very, very deep ego wound. you see, i invested a lot in how my ex treated me, and how she spoke of me. the attention, the over the top words. i thought she was more or less incapable of leaving me. when she not only left me, but found someone else, it cut to the core, and i felt like i was rejected for who i was as a person. i felt that it meant i wasnt special. thats part of why, for a few months, i wanted her back so badly.

for what its worth, their relationship lasted a little over a year longer than mine and hers. i eventually got to a place where i was okay with that; we had our time, and it was over. today, i cringe when i look back on the things i said. i understand why i did it, and i understand why youre doing it now. it soothes the ego and broken heart. but as men, we arent truly secure in ourselves if we compare ourselves to others in this way. think about it. if we were, would we have needed our exs attention so badly? would we have needed them to make us believe we are awesome? would we have been so scarred when that attention turned elsewhere?

there are a lot of ways to soothe an ego. im sure that if you wanted to, you could find another woman who will pay you lots of attention, and that will feel better (youve said that you have been with two bpd women. you will very likely face this again). i dont recommend it.

instead i encourage you to face your wounds and do the hard work that real healing takes. let go of the words and the attention; there are deeper, more rewarding things to be found in the dating world if we become the men that can attract them. let go of the sex; there will be great sex in your future, and possibly on a much deeper level, without the dysfunction. let go of the need for external validation and stand strong on your own two feet. it may break your heart to do so. but you will emerge a better, older, wiser, stronger, more secure, and more resilient man with even more love to give and receive.

hang in there. 
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jinglebells1989
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« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2019, 12:15:20 PM »

you know, my ex left me for another guy that i quickly realized she had been exploring the possibility with for some time before we broke up.

what caught me off guard is that he looked a lot like me. a lot. not just on the surface; we both have, for example, very distinct noses. at the time, i would tell people that he was my less good looking clone. i told myself that if she had to find a less good looking version of me, that i had "won".

i was trying to soothe a very, very deep ego wound. you see, i invested a lot in how my ex treated me, and how she spoke of me. the attention, the over the top words. i thought she was more or less incapable of leaving me. when she not only left me, but found someone else, it cut to the core, and i felt like i was rejected for who i was as a person. i felt that it meant i wasnt special. thats part of why, for a few months, i wanted her back so badly.

for what its worth, their relationship lasted a little over a year longer than mine and hers. i eventually got to a place where i was okay with that; we had our time, and it was over. today, i cringe when i look back on the things i said. i understand why i did it, and i understand why youre doing it now. it soothes the ego and broken heart. but as men, we arent truly secure in ourselves if we compare ourselves to others in this way. think about it. if we were, would we have needed our exs attention so badly? would we have needed them to make us believe we are awesome? would we have been so scarred when that attention turned elsewhere?

there are a lot of ways to soothe an ego. im sure that if you wanted to, you could find another woman who will pay you lots of attention, and that will feel better (youve said that you have been with two bpd women. you will very likely face this again). i dont recommend it.

instead i encourage you to face your wounds and do the hard work that real healing takes. let go of the words and the attention; there are deeper, more rewarding things to be found in the dating world if we become the men that can attract them. let go of the sex; there will be great sex in your future, and possibly on a much deeper level, without the dysfunction. let go of the need for external validation and stand strong on your own two feet. it may break your heart to do so. but you will emerge a better, older, wiser, stronger, more secure, and more resilient man with even more love to give and receive.

hang in there. 
This is a very kind, meaningful response. Thank you for taking the type to write this up. You're right and spot on with %100 of what you wrote.
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