Is dishonesty and cheating a trait?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex was a very mistrusting. Constantly accusing me of either cheating or talking to other women. I am a very loyal & trustworthy guy so this would get to me a lot. I put her suspicious nature down to her low self esteem however, she had a sense of grandiosity & would often say she was better than me. So, I couldn't figure it out. Was it because she had low self esteem or was it because she just had trust issues.

I did my best to try & show her that I wasn't speaking to other women. I would let her look through my phone. I limited the time I was on Facebook for. I tried responding to her texts immediately. Nothing really helped. I was then noticing her been very suspicious with her phone. We would meet & her phone would often be almost dead even though her child was at home with a family member so they may need to get in touch with her. She once told me about a conversation she was having with a guy who said he liked cheating with married women. She showed me the convo & she had initiated the chat with this guy. She started hiding her friends list on Facebook 7 she said she had accidently added her ex. He ex who she had a child with was always messaging her which is fine as they have a child but she started telling me that he would ask to see in her the shower etc. Her mom was always in & out of relationships, she drank a lot & I had seen her lie on social media. My ex told me that her Mom would often turn her mobile internet off when her partner was there so that the other guys who she were speaking to wouldn't set her phone off beeping. This made me think, was my ex doing this when she came to mine as she said she had lost her password for Facebook so she couldn't log out but as soon as she was coming to mine she would be shown as logged out. I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. However, I never accused her. I know this sounds like I was suspicious but it was just things that didn't add up.

Recently we reconnected again & I found out she had been dating for 3 months. She told me how amazing this new guy was & I said I was glad for her. I said I am not sure her boyfriend would approve of us talking. She said he knew & was ok with it as it wasn't inappropriate. She then told me he didn't know 7 she would like It to be kept between us two. She even went as far as to ask me a question that I would only know the answer to so that she knew it was me she was speaking to. The emails then got sexual from her side. This made me feel uncomfortable plus my concern now is that if she is capable of talking in a sexual way behind her current boyfriends back then was she doing this to me?

She always had an handful of guys that she would add on Facebook then delete when she didn't need them. It was like she was just using them as validation or to make other men jealous. She even added one of these guys & when I asked her why she admitted to make him jealous for what he had done to her & she always wins.

[magic78]

My ex was a very mistrusting. Constantly accusing me of either cheating or talking to other women. I am a very loyal & trustworthy guy so this would get to me a lot. I put her suspicious nature down to her low self esteem however, she had a sense of grandiosity & would often say she was better than me. So, I couldn't figure it out. Was it because she had low self esteem or was it because she just had trust issues.

I did my best to try & show her that I wasn't speaking to other women. I would let her look through my phone. I limited the time I was on Facebook for. I tried responding to her texts immediately. Nothing really helped. I was then noticing her been very suspicious with her phone. We would meet & her phone would often be almost dead even though her child was at home with a family member so they may need to get in touch with her. She once told me about a conversation she was having with a guy who said he liked cheating with married women. She showed me the convo & she had initiated the chat with this guy. She started hiding her friends list on Facebook 7 she said she had accidently added her ex. He ex who she had a child with was always messaging her which is fine as they have a child but she started telling me that he would ask to see in her the shower etc. Her mom was always in & out of relationships, she drank a lot & I had seen her lie on social media. My ex told me that her Mom would often turn her mobile internet off when her partner was there so that the other guys who she were speaking to wouldn't set her phone off beeping. This made me think, was my ex doing this when she came to mine as she said she had lost her password for Facebook so she couldn't log out but as soon as she was coming to mine she would be shown as logged out. I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. However, I never accused her. I know this sounds like I was suspicious but it was just things that didn't add up.

Recently we reconnected again & I found out she had been dating for 3 months. She told me how amazing this new guy was & I said I was glad for her. I said I am not sure her boyfriend would approve of us talking. She said he knew & was ok with it as it wasn't inappropriate. She then told me he didn't know 7 she would like It to be kept between us two. She even went as far as to ask me a question that I would only know the answer to so that she knew it was me she was speaking to. The emails then got sexual from her side. This made me feel uncomfortable plus my concern now is that if she is capable of talking in a sexual way behind her current boyfriends back then was she doing this to me?

She always had an handful of guys that she would add on Facebook then delete when she didn't need them. It was like she was just using them as validation or to make other men jealous. She even added one of these guys & when I asked her why she admitted to make him jealous for what he had done to her & she always wins.

[MeandThee29]

Keep in mind that partners who accuse faithful partners of cheating often have a wandering eye themselves. It's a way of shifting blame from themselves.

You sound like a decent person. I think you're better than she is and shouldn't have contact any more, FWIW.

[magic78]

Keep in mind that partners who accuse faithful partners of cheating often have a wandering eye themselves. It's a way of shifting blame from themselves.

You sound like a decent person. I think you're better than she is and shouldn't have contact any more, FWIW.

Yeah isn't this called projection?

Thank you & due to this latest revelation how could I ever trust her anyway?

[MeandThee29]

Yeah isn't this called projection?

Thank you & due to this latest revelation how could I ever trust her anyway?

Yes, projection. And all evidence is that you can't trust her.

Work on your peace and enjoyment of life until you can find someone you can trust.

[Skip]

Is dishonesty and cheating a trait?

Not per se' for BPD. Is dishonesty or cheating more prevalent than the general population?  Yes.

For your former girlfriend? I think she is telegraphing all the signals of a cheater. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

[magic78]

Yes, projection. And all evidence is that you can't trust her.

Work on your peace and enjoyment of life until you can find someone you can trust.

That is what I intend to do. Thank you

[magic78]

Is dishonesty and cheating a trait?

Not per se' for BPD. Is dishonesty or cheating more prevalent than the general population?  Yes.

For your former girlfriend? I think she is telegraphing all the signals of a cheater. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Yes former. I am not No Contact again. I can never trust her ever again.

[Skip]

Incompatible morals.

I wouldn't mess with it. Infidelity is a life wrecker.

[MeandThee29]

Incompatible morals.

I wouldn't mess with it. Infidelity is a life wrecker.

I'll take that further. I think there can be emotional infidelity.

I'm a bit old-fashioned, but I think that any ex has to be fully shelved for a successful relationship. If you share a child, it's business only. If (big if) I ever pursue another relationship, that's my rule for myself and the other person.

Mine had an ex that he held up as superior to me in some areas for years and years. It eroded my confidence, especially when mentioning her was weekly if not more in the months before he left. You would think after so long that she wouldn't have an influence. I actually had a dream a few months into separation that he found and married her. I woke up balling my eyes out. 

[Cromwell]

I understand MeandThee29 but I wonder how blurred the lines can be here with it being seen as emotional infidelity and perhaps a form of carrying emotional unresolved baggage into the next relationship.

I guess the difference in my r/s is she never openly and regularly told me her exs were "superior" but there was more often than I felt comfortable about her talking about them, or triggered and relaying short stories here and there. They were either post humously idealised from afar or equally reviled, depending on her mood. Either way I felt, especially as it was more regularly than I felt comfortable with - irritated to the point of wanting to say "look, if they were so great, you miss them so much, well go to them then"

I felt not so much emotionally cheated on as much as providing some sort of therapy for the past, and an inability to have detached for better or worse. I think it did hit my confidence too, a sort of wonderment of if I was failing in some way to not provide enough to ever scalp out this harping on of "my ex, the other ex" and this seemingly living in a perpetual unresolved past.

Magic78: This comes across what you describe as a "do as I say, not do as I do" relationship. Your recall of her saying "she always wins" reminds me of when my ex told me "I will never be cheated on - first". By the time I was told this, she had long before done so already.

Im not so sure about morals about infidelity when it came to her - it would be a moral outrage if anyone did to her, yet she could do what she wanted with a multitude of excuses to self justify. The red flags are everywhere in your post. I feel my ex sabotaged the fear of abandoment with me early on, yet it did not (even if it should have) ended it for me. It continued on, and as long as it did she secured herself emotionally in a "cant lose" now state. Bit more complex than that maybe, or not, but it makes some sense to me.

[MeandThee29]

I understand MeandThee29 but I wonder how blurred the lines can be here with it being seen as emotional infidelity and perhaps a form of carrying emotional unresolved baggage into the next relationship.

Yes, that's a better way of describing it. You need the right perspective about an ex such that it won't be an issue in your current relationship.