Do you think my mother is suffering from BPD?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I need some help determining whether my mother is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or if there is something else going on here. My goal is to learn how to communicate with her more effectively and prevent the constant need to tiptoe around each and every interaction with her.

Here are some examples of her behavior:

• Criticizing family members, friends and random people she comes across on a daily basis.
• Becoming easily offended if someone does not interact with her as expected.
• Using language and phrasing to manipulate.
• Spending thousands of dollars a month on cosmetics and clothing/accessories (my father is the breadwinner and she has always been a stay-at-home mom
• Accusing me of treating her badly and then being unable to provide me with any examples of the offending behavior
• Being constantly defensive. I have to walk on eggshells 24/7 when communicating with her. This causes me to change my behavior and withhold much of how I feel about things in order to avoid potential upsets.
• Making incorrect assumptions about my mood. For example: I will be acting completely normally and she will ask, "Why are you so 'on-edge'?" or "What's going on with you?" or "I think you need to get out of the house." or "Did you forget to take your medication today?" My typical response will be to become frustrated and upset with her and deny her assumptions, which in turn makes her feel like she is a victim. The cycle repeats and ends up turning into a screaming/crying match with her constantly talking over me unless I physically leave.
• Making incorrect assumptions about my needs that have no basis in reality. For Example: You are cold. You are hot. You are tired. You are getting hungry. You need to get out of the house.
• Becoming panicked or angry when I do not reply to a text message within 30mins+

I could keep going, but I hope the above is sufficient enough for someone out there to help me figure out if this is normal behavior or if these are signs that she is suffering from a personality disorder of some kind, and what steps to take if this is the case.

Thank you so much in advance!
 

[anonymous1060]

Hi,

I need some help determining whether my mother is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, or if there is something else going on here. My goal is to learn how to communicate with her more effectively and prevent the constant need to tiptoe around each and every interaction with her.

Here are some examples of her behavior:

• Criticizing family members, friends and random people she comes across on a daily basis.
• Becoming easily offended if someone does not interact with her as expected.
• Using language and phrasing to manipulate.
• Spending thousands of dollars a month on cosmetics and clothing/accessories (my father is the breadwinner and she has always been a stay-at-home mom
• Accusing me of treating her badly and then being unable to provide me with any examples of the offending behavior
• Being constantly defensive. I have to walk on eggshells 24/7 when communicating with her. This causes me to change my behavior and withhold much of how I feel about things in order to avoid potential upsets.
• Making incorrect assumptions about my mood. For example: I will be acting completely normally and she will ask, "Why are you so 'on-edge'?" or "What's going on with you?" or "I think you need to get out of the house." or "Did you forget to take your medication today?" My typical response will be to become frustrated and upset with her and deny her assumptions, which in turn makes her feel like she is a victim. The cycle repeats and ends up turning into a screaming/crying match with her constantly talking over me unless I physically leave.
• Making incorrect assumptions about my needs that have no basis in reality. For Example: You are cold. You are hot. You are tired. You are getting hungry. You need to get out of the house.
• Becoming panicked or angry when I do not reply to a text message within 30mins+

I could keep going, but I hope the above is sufficient enough for someone out there to help me figure out if this is normal behavior or if these are signs that she is suffering from a personality disorder of some kind, and what steps to take if this is the case.

Thank you so much in advance!
 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board. 

It is hard to say if your mom has a PD as we are not professionals and making a diagnosis is more than just ticking off some boxes.  Some of the behaviors she has may be due to a PD, depression, anxiety disorder, stress, etc.  Regardless, the behaviors you listed out are quite difficult and can certainly impact a relationship in a negative way.   I don't think they are healthy behaviors at all if that helps. 

My goal is to learn how to communicate with her more effectively and prevent the constant need to tiptoe around each and every interaction with her.

We can help you with this for sure.    There are several communication tools that are quite effective in terms of allowing us to communicate in healthier ways which is more about helping us but can also help our pwBPD (person with BPD).

What would you say your biggest struggle is with your mom?  How are you with boundaries - what do they mean to you?  How much contact do you have with your mom?  daily?

I hope we hear more from you soon.  In the mean time, settle in and do some reading.  We have a lot of articles you can access by clicking on the topics tacked to the top of the page.  I am glad you found us.