Living with the pain of devaluation

[MaggieAnne]

Hello. I'm new to this board and am thankful to have found you. My 30-year old daughter, who is married with a 6 year old son, had several diagnoses growing up and as a young adult - from Tourette Syndrome to Bipolar and Schizoaffective Disorder. Only recently did I come across a good definition of BPD and...wow...I am certain she has been misdiagnosed. Not that it matters for her, as she has rejected any diagnoses or insight into her behavior.

I have felt crazy at times trying to listen and respond to her perceptions. Got to the point where I literally could say NOTHING to her, it didn't matter what it was, it would be taken in the wrong way. What might be innocuous to one of my other children, or indeed, a positive or loving comment, was taken wrong. After a chaotic time when she was separating from her husband and stayed with us for just a few short days, she wound up turning all of her rage and suspicion and pain onto me instead of her husband. This devaluation that I've read about shifted from him to me. Months later, in January of this year, she wrote me an email after ignoring my texts and calls asking to see her and our grandson saying that she does not want me in her life anymore, that I am toxic and that I am not allowed to see our grandson. My husband and I had a close relationship with him, and he often was at our house. She has since also excommunicated the entire family, including her brothers and sister. None of us are allowed to their house or to contact her for any reason. I am heartbroken to say the least. The loss of this relationship and the loss of our relationship with our grandson is overwhelming. So much sadness for her own pain that has led to this...that she really does not know or experience the love I have for her. Any other stories out there? Is there any hope of this reversing some day?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Maggie Ann
Welcome to the group. I am glad you found us. Your story sounds very familiar. There are several people here who have been cut off from their grandchildren due to their children having BPD. I am sure some will be along soon to share their experiences and insights. The good news is things can get better. Relationships can improve. The first step is your own self care. How are you doing in that area?

[Huat]

Hi MaggieAnne and welcome.

I am one of those parents/grandparents who participate in this forum and have also experienced (am experiencing!) being cut off from grandchildren.  We were surrogate parents to both of them in the early years while their mother (our daughter) struggled through the relationships and custody battles with each of their fathers.  These grandchildren are now 27/29 and have been estranged from each of their fathers and those families...and off/on with us.   To add to this utter dysfunction, I am hearing through the grapevine that they don't have anything to do with each other either.

While we are in yet another period of no contact with our daughter and the one grandchild, the 27 year old has been reaching out.  These girls were not taught to respect us and I can feel the trepidation in this one as she struggles to put things straight in her mind.  We are using that "light as a fairy" approach with her.  If there are questions to be asked, she will have to be the one asking.

So much of what you write about your daughter resonates with me.  I, her Mom, have either been her heroine or nemesis...the change sometimes coming in the blink-of-an-eye leaving me to question what the heck happened.

Coming to this forum was indeed life-changing for me...actually...life-saving.  I was in a dark, dark place.  I had suffered for so many years without the skills to deal with her outbursts nor the gumption to start looking after...me.

For sure, your daughter is looking for a victim and best you learn how not to fall into that role.  As in our case, she is using your grandchild as a trump card.  I am sad for you...but oh so sad for him, too.

For reasons known only to her, your daughter has said she wants no contact from you nor other family members.  If there are no safety concern issues, you pretty well have to abide by her wishes and have patience.  In the meantime you build up your arsenal of skills/tools on how to deal with her difficult personality when contact does come about.

One tool that comes to mind  right now is...not to JADE.  That is, learn not to Justify/Argue/Deny/Explain during a heated conversation.  I'm sure I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and energy had I refrained from doing so with my daughter.  I can't ever remember "winning" in one of those arguments.

Is there hope?  Always.  With that said, your hope has to include the reality that the relationship with your daughter may never be the one you want...just different...but workable.

Hope as you work towards better tomorrows, you will find this to be your safe and comforting place.

((HUGS) from Huat.

[Resiliant]

Hi MaggieAnn, I am new to this board also.  My son is also 30 and I have experienced similar things.  It baffles me that after sending what I perceive to be loving and thoughtful texts to him that he can reply with such nasty things back.  It's like we are speaking two different languages.  I guess their minds are on a totally different wavelength.  Sometimes the messages that we think we are giving aren't the ones being received.  Maybe it works the other way too? 
All the best.     Stay strong!

[livednlearned]

Is there any hope of this reversing some day?

It doesn't sound like it was necessarily caused by you -- more by the intensity of her own emotional volatility -- so please be gentle with yourself, especially in a time of such pain.

Her emotions were likely return to baseline although it's anyone's guess what she will do when that happens. Do you know if she and her husband got back together again?

Six is also a tough age for a mother with BPD because her child is probably trying to individuate and develop his own personality, something that BPD sufferers can experience as abandonment.

If there is a divorce proceeding, she will likely be very dysregulated. Even people who don't have BPD can feel that their world is falling apart.

How are her siblings responding to her isolation?

[MaggieAnne]

I don't know how to reply to each one of you separately, so will address each one here. Still learning how to navigate this. First, THANK YOU for reaching out and sharing your experiences and wisdom.

To livednlearned (great name btw), thank you for the reminder of gentleness. This is something I've come to after much pain and self-criticism and self-blame, that crazy-making of going through every tiny thing I said to determine what could have 'caused' her to respond as she did. What could I have done differently... This goes nowhere. And you're right, causation doesn't help and really, is impossible to know. She immediately went back to her husband after we had a falling out, it was an impossible situation with her living here and me having zero knowledge of how to be with her in the state she was in, other than trying hard not to react. Most of the time I have needed to walk on eggshells around her for fear of setting her off, but even then, always misunderstandings. Her sister and brothers are baffled and bewildered like me, and miss her. They're unsure of what to do, so have done nothing.

To Resiliant (another great name) - Yesssss... god I can SO relate to the text messages and the bewilderment at the cruel responses that do not in any way match what was sent. It does totally feel like we are on two different wavelengths that cannot connect. And maybe that is actually true. It makes me very sad to think what does go on in her head, and like you mention, maybe it works the other way too. That she truly cannot receive my words, or my heart, and honestly believes I am an unsafe person or whatever it is. Thank you for sharing.

To Huat - What a story you carry and what pain. The brokenness within our families is heartbreaking. Out of your difficult journey has come the wisdom with which you approach your granddaughters. I very much relate with the relationship with our daughters - from heroine to nemesis. As she got older, also a sense of competitiveness from her or something I can't quite articulate.
I've abided by her wishes not to have any contact with them, as it's a losing battle to do otherwise, and would make things much worse. However, I have brought gifts and flowers for birthdays and other holidays and left them by their front door. Your JADE approach is correct - nothing I can say to justify, argue, deny or explain has ever been successful. I learned that the hard way, amidst much bewilderment.  It got to the point where there was nothing at all I could say, even an "I love you." I do pray every day that we will have some sort of relationship in the future. And for my grandson...I pray I can reconnect with him before too much more time passes. Prayers for your relationships with your daughter and grandchildren as well!

FaithHopeLove - thank you for the welcome and the reminder of good self care. Yes, this is something I practice daily, and it took awhile to get to this place. Part of that self care is reaching out on this board. I do so want to believe that relationships can improve. At this point, there is no relationship. My daughter is into energy work and has visited some self-described shamans who have helped her to literally cut ties, cut cords of relationship with me. I don't believe a mother/daughter bond can actually be cut forever, but this is where we stand now. Laying it all in the hands of the Sacred Presence within all things.

[FaithHopeLove]

I don't believe a mother/daughter bond can actually be cut forever, but this is where we stand now. Laying it all in the hands of the Sacred Presence within all things.

I don't think the tie between you and your daughter is completely broken even now. You clearly still have great love for her. She probably has great love for you as well. It's just that her feelings are too intense for her to process. You are wise to leave it in the hands of the Sacred Presence. That is what binds us all.

[TDD]

Hi everyone,
I've read all your posts and it is all so heartbreaking. My dil has single handedly cut out ties with our entire family. My son (a wonderful, kind man) has been married for 7 years and they have 4 beautiful children. The horrible texts, mean comments about my two other sons, stopping my husband and I from seeing the grandchildren, she has done it all. I was in a very bad way the other day because I found out my dil was posting horrible things about mother in laws, just general but definitely about me! When I say my entire family has tried to be kind, loving, inclusive to this person is putting it mildly. She feels like we all hate her and that we always have and we have (in her mind) been out to get her. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The worst thing is we barely know our grandchildren. I also send gifts for everything, and this summer since all of them have summer birthdays we had to meet my son somewhere to give them their presents. How crazy is that? I started writing 4 journals for my grandchildren and telling them how much we love them and different things their grandparents are doing. I just don't want them to think we don't care or love them. My son can't even take them by himself to see us.
I am very thankful for this forum and get out all my feelings that have been bottled up for 7 years! Any ideas or help would be greatly appreciated. Best of luck to all of you!

Sincerely,
TDD