Has Anyone Enountered Similar Accusations and Delusions?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Thank you Cromwell. You have some helpful comments. I felt good about being able to vent but also bad because I thought I was going to marry this woman at one time and never imagined having an argument in the parking lot about her throwing me away like garbage. It will always be a nightmare, but I really liked your comment about standing up for yourself because I think more and more she is playing games.

Both times she confronted me she said to strangers that she was shaking. She was fine, she was more angry that she couldn't control me. She left one past boyfriend in England and another in Florida during the 10 years it took her to get a PHD and her father paid for her to not work. She says she was with the one for 8 years and left him because it bothered her he had a child. It took 8 years to dump someone for that? Something is wrong there. Considering that she began to sabotage our relationship after 3 months of idealization when I was so kind to her and she was so happy until suddenly she was not, I find her being able to be with someone in England 8 years and another in Florida for 2 years hard to believe. I wonder in hindsight what would have happened if I had not spoken up about her inconsiderate behaviour after that 4th month together. After a month of devaluation I called her out for some accountability and I was gone the next day. I wonder if we would still be together today if I had remained her silent slave or if I would have been dumped for some other reason. My biggest regret is that even though this has hurt me so bad I was very slowly beginning to detach from her during that month of being treated poorly. If I had kept from critizing her behaviour a little longer I might have been able to detach over the next few weeks together and not gone through this pain and rejection.

My mom thinks she freaks on me at the gym now because she is used to other men being gone in another country as she moves away after she snaps on them and feels shame seeing me because she knows I have seen her naked and she has this whole church good girl persona she puts on for others. Also she told me many secrets about her family and family business. Another reason it makes no sense that she broke up with me the way she did when she trusted me so much in the beginning. Just so odd. The more I think about the scenario with the video taping the more I think she was trying to intimidate me. I had not seen or contacted her for 6 weeks. I was looking at my phone instead of her when I was in the car and she starts saying I am in the Goodlife parking lot and I am calling the police as I am being stalked. As if she wanted to get my attention since I was not looking at her. If she truly believed I was a threat, which is still mind blowing to me, because I'm the guy who wouldn't put a cup of green tea down on her parent's furniture at Christmas because I couldn't find a coaster and played with her niece and nephew and brought them presents just 4 days before she cuts me off cold turkey from talking to her. If she was scared of me she would have blocked my cell, she would have got in her car instead of pulling that taping stunt and she would go to another gym instead of confronting me.
 
The downfall to all this is that it hurts my brain to be in this situation with someone I was loyal and kind with and cared up very deeply. During the month she was devaluing me I was not myself and was very weak and anxious, walking on eggshells terrified that I couldn't make her happy no matter what I tried. The real me is kind to others but takes no nonsense when someone is being rude. Her looking up a yoga schedule and telling me to go to a different gym actually started to wake the real me back up as that was super controlling and even my mom was furious when I told her that.

[Seekinganswers30]

Thank you Cromwell. You have some helpful comments. I felt good about being able to vent but also bad because I thought I was going to marry this woman at one time and never imagined having an argument in the parking lot about her throwing me away like garbage. It will always be a nightmare, but I really liked your comment about standing up for yourself because I think more and more she is playing games.

Both times she confronted me she said to strangers that she was shaking. She was fine, she was more angry that she couldn't control me. She left one past boyfriend in England and another in Florida during the 10 years it took her to get a PHD and her father paid for her to not work. She says she was with the one for 8 years and left him because it bothered her he had a child. It took 8 years to dump someone for that? Something is wrong there. Considering that she began to sabotage our relationship after 3 months of idealization when I was so kind to her and she was so happy until suddenly she was not, I find her being able to be with someone in England 8 years and another in Florida for 2 years hard to believe. I wonder in hindsight what would have happened if I had not spoken up about her inconsiderate behaviour after that 4th month together. After a month of devaluation I called her out for some accountability and I was gone the next day. I wonder if we would still be together today if I had remained her silent slave or if I would have been dumped for some other reason. My biggest regret is that even though this has hurt me so bad I was very slowly beginning to detach from her during that month of being treated poorly. If I had kept from critizing her behaviour a little longer I might have been able to detach over the next few weeks together and not gone through this pain and rejection.

My mom thinks she freaks on me at the gym now because she is used to other men being gone in another country as she moves away after she snaps on them and feels shame seeing me because she knows I have seen her naked and she has this whole church good girl persona she puts on for others. Also she told me many secrets about her family and family business. Another reason it makes no sense that she broke up with me the way she did when she trusted me so much in the beginning. Just so odd. The more I think about the scenario with the video taping the more I think she was trying to intimidate me. I had not seen or contacted her for 6 weeks. I was looking at my phone instead of her when I was in the car and she starts saying I am in the Goodlife parking lot and I am calling the police as I am being stalked. As if she wanted to get my attention since I was not looking at her. If she truly believed I was a threat, which is still mind blowing to me, because I'm the guy who wouldn't put a cup of green tea down on her parent's furniture at Christmas because I couldn't find a coaster and played with her niece and nephew and brought them presents just 4 days before she cuts me off cold turkey from talking to her. If she was scared of me she would have blocked my cell, she would have got in her car instead of pulling that taping stunt and she would go to another gym instead of confronting me.
 
The downfall to all this is that it hurts my brain to be in this situation with someone I was loyal and kind with and cared up very deeply. During the month she was devaluing me I was not myself and was very weak and anxious, walking on eggshells terrified that I couldn't make her happy no matter what I tried. The real me is kind to others but takes no nonsense when someone is being rude. Her looking up a yoga schedule and telling me to go to a different gym actually started to wake the real me back up as that was super controlling and even my mom was furious when I told her that.

[Cromwell]

Her looking up a yoga schedule and telling me to go to a different gym actually started to wake the real me back up as that was super controlling and even my mom was furious when I told her that.

Just interested in how much you might feel the need to get external validation, as a grown up man, as to what is "right" or "wrong"?

her issue here is being invalidated from grasping the victim card.

"stalker" would do it, but all she has is "yoga practitioner" "treadmill runner" "phone gazer in car parking lot"

shes not stupid enough to phone the cops and have worse than lack of validation - it is an action that could backfire on her. "unhinged fruit cake with a phd"

"control" word has surfaced. so has "slave".

No-one put them in your mouth, they exist for a reason. This process I went through I feel a parallel. "wake up to real self" followed by a) living my liberated freedom each day the way I want to b) a slow detox to all this.

have you a goal to recuperate this loss of weight? turn the story from

"i lost something"

into

"I lost nothing- afterall"

can you visualise the possibility of experiencing such a day, imagine how it might feel? Just curious...

[Seekinganswers30]

Well I did lose the best connection I have felt with a woman in 20 years 3 days after giving her presents and 4 days after celebrating Christmas with her family which was very special to me. So my body and mind is still in shock from that even after this time.

I had the huge urge to send her this text tonight but emailed it to myself and my friends instead. Wish to share.

I'm sending this text to let you know that after your actions on Friday I talked to the manager at the gym and the police. They both confirmed that I can go the gym and there is no need for your accusations if I stay away from you. I have not texted you for 6 weeks and I have not approached you when I have seen you at the gym. When I saw you in the parking lot I got in my car and left you alone. You should have done the same but for some reason you wanted to attack me again with the filming. What happened to you? You already hurt me more than anyone ever has but then you had to hurt me more with the stalker accusations. Yes I texted you many messages asking you for closure, a conversation, a second chance. What did you expect? You blindsided me 30 minutes before we were supposed to go shopping in the States, finally go to the olive garden and spend that lulu card I gave you for Christmas. You talked to me every day except for one for 4 months and then you cut me off cold turkey right after Christmas. I bonded with you more after Christmas with your family.  My body went into shock and I lost all that weight, you know my family uses your funeral home and I asked you a week after you left to please talk to me and let us be on good terms as my mom was supposed to use your home too and you ignored me. Nothing bad happened when we were together for you to act like that. I had an ex call me once at 3 in the morning saying she was going to kill herself and I talked to her until she calmed down. When you care about someone you need to have compassion and empathy. Instead you called me a liar and a stalker.
I knew something was wrong with the way you were treating me in December as I detailed in my last message. I should have spoken up when you yelled at me in the Marriott lobby and criticized me during that first Niagara trip. We were supposed to be celebrating my birthday and instead that was the beginning of the end. From September to November we had a magic connection. You say you turned on me because we had nothing in common but you complimented me on the things we had in common in the beginning so that doesn't make sense. We had 2 parties, 2 Niagara trips, a wine tour, a 250 dollar steak dinner, Christmas, my birthday, boxing Day, a naked movie, and Costco with my mom all in December and you say you were bored. That doesn't make sense. You turned on food and going to restaurants and me in December. My mom thought you were a completely different person the second time she saw you. You said I was only your 4th boyfriend so it makes no sense that you wouldn't talk to me if you were unhappy before you left and make an effort to fight for me, to fight for us. You just threw it all away so easily and we end up with the nightmare that happened on Friday. I never in a million years thought things would end this horribly during our first few months together. It's heartbreaking.

[ColdKnight]

If you were to send this to her what would you hope achieve by it?

[Seekinganswers30]

To get things off my chest, to get some kind of response that might make sense from her.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear SA-

I and many others have been trying to help you through this painful and confusing experience and many of your friends here have given you solid advice.  Only you can extricate yourself.

I’m so sad that you’re still feeling the need to engage with her.  So sad.  I really believe it’s time for you to look solely to yourself for closure... she canNOT help you. 

I don’t know whether she has BPD or not (or traits), but if she does, and if you’ve studied about this illness, you’ve likely gained an understanding of what the illness entails.  The “Feelings = Facts” component.  Why then are you seeking validation from HER?  Of YOUR feelings?

I recall the horrid end of my 17-year marriage to uNPDh (with BPD traits).  A few months after the violent incident, he said “Love means way more to you than it does to me”.  And I said, “Well then the way I see it, you’ve lost a WHOLE LOT, and I’ve basically lost nothing.” And I walked out of the office.  I never felt another ounce of good feeling toward him.

Nearly two years later after I had fled cross-country, I decided I would try for a “closure conversation” with him.  I called, left a message asking for 20 minutes.  He called right back and said he had 5 minutes, and if that wasn’t enough, to write him a letter.  I mailed him a BLANK sheet of white paper.

You see, that empty shell of a man could NOT heal the wounds from the 17 years of cruelty he inflicted.  I had to free myself.

SA - you’ve got to free yourself.  I hope you can look yourself in the mirror and say “Enough!”  And really began your detachment work.  We can walk that path with you.

I believe what’s happening here, is that you’re setting the stage for what could turn into, in her eyes “the worst relationship... the biggest mistake, the worst YEAR... of my life”... if you don’t curb this behavior.

People’s feelings change.  They just do.  It hurts and it sucks.  We cry, we lose weight (I too lost way too much weight when my marriage ended).  Some people GAIN weight.  We stop taking care of ourselves.  We forget how to breathe some days.  But the world keeps on turning. 

These ruminations are making you unhealthy and deeply unhappy.  You don’t have to feel like this.  And your path toward opening up for happiness is to shed this thing and silently forgive her for not being who you WANTED her to be.  She is NOT the person you THOUGHT she was.  Radical Acceptance.  There are beautiful souls walking the earth looking for friendship and love.  Why do you want to repeatedly write about the month of December to her?

You’ve GOT to LET yourself get better.  And a large part of that is to take yourself AWAY from the gym where you see her.  You did NOT go to this location when you were together.  You’re sabotaging your healing.  You’re punishing yourself.

Why?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seekinganswers30]

You are right that going to the gym is probably hurting my healing. I went there when we were together once and saw how beautiful it was. I was shocked this was the same gym she told me she cried about having to go to for a month after she moved back and couldn't use the $10,000 a year gym her dad was paying for her to go to for 2 years in the Miami marina.

The gym I go to is in the basement and has downtown parking. I started going to this gym weekly for yoga as it helped me after the break-up and became a big fan of the building having windows to see outside instead of a basement, it is closer to my house and the free parking is so much better. I've gone there about 50 or 60 times since January and I have seen her there 5 times. I stopped approaching her after she made a scene months ago but she still texted me that I need to go find another gym and that was out of line to because just being in the same building is a problem to her? Why? I'm the one who was hurt while she walked away cold turkey with no care of the damage she caused. So a huge part of me likes the gym and is able to ignore her and wants to go just for the parking and windows alone but subconsciously I do feel like I'm poking at my wound because it brings me bad memories of the way she treated me.

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh my dear friend!  With a bit of humor, You just provided me about a thousand pounds of JADE about the gym.  Do you see that?

And I shorted my marriage by 2 years...it was 19, not 17.  A good sign that I’m truly forgetting!

Now my JADE to you:  I believe that your continued attendance at that gym is not “probably hurting your healing”; it is entirely PREVENTING your healing from starting.

And here’s why... (please know, this is NOT a criticism.)  You're  still replaying in most of your posts, precise details of events from December.  If you’re doing that here, I HAVE to believe this is a tiny portion of the inner struggle taking place in your thoughts.  You’re not being kind or fair to yourself.  Not at all, SA.  You’re not allowing space or distance between what took place during the relationship and now.  And that’s NOT fair to you. 

And each time you move close to that gym, your psyche KNOWS there’s a chance she will be there ... trigger - WOUND, your pain.

So I ask again... WHY are you sabotaging yourself?  Why are you punishing yourself?  This is NOT about her.  Please try to leave her out of this part.

I think if you were to look VERY closely at this relationship, you would know (I think you already do), this was NOT the BEST relationship you ever had. 

Take a bit of time and roll this over, okay?  Do you WANT to feel better?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Seekinganswers30]

The first 3 months I thought were the best relationship I ever had but I think she hit me at a vulnerable time where I was super prone to the love bombing. My bird had died a few months earlier, I was 43 and afraid I was running out of chances to have kids and she was 36 and white and lived 10 minutes away from me. I really liked her family and wanted to be a part of it and I wanted her to give my mom new company. Unfortunately she acted like a lunatic the second time we went out with my mom and kept saying no everytime her family invited me to an event. Then she started picking at me for a month.

Things I'll never know are if I had spoken up when she first started to verbally abuse me and invalidate the things I had done for her previously would that have helped or would she have just dumped me a month earlier? When she dumped me I was actually not affected for a day and told her off pretty good about not being able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants and if she wants a pet dog instead of a boyfriend that's not me. Especially if she is NPD instead of BPD the initial break-up may have been just a control tactic for a week or two. I thought standing up for myself when she was disrespecting me was a good thing but I may have made the temporary break-up permanent. I'll never know.

I know she is not good for me, if she is not ill she is at least a pathological liar, selfish and a child living in an adult's body handed life on a silver platter by her parents. That's not a good person to share your live with. It actually feels like there is a worm in the middle of my forehead blocking my rational thinking and I just want to pull it out because I know she has went from the best relationship to the worst over a month of devaluation. One problem is that I'm an accountant with minor OCD so my memory is like she was in my bed just yesterday telling me how happy she was and it kills me each and every day that she doesn't want me or that anymore. If I had done something wrong I would have guilt but it might be better than losing someone because they changed their mind literally because of nothing I did.

[once removed]

OCD

are you getting any help for this?

i have some OCD traits and tendencies, and i can be a fairly obsessive person.

obsessions can be unhealthy. sometimes, when a relationship is hard to let go of, they can drive a person to try harder and harder to obtain it, to really unhealthy levels. and it all just tends to fuel itself.

that seems like what is going on here, Seeking. youre hurting, and your hurt is driving you to do self sabotaging stuff, and unhealthy things to another person.

you can get some meds that can help take the edge off. you can see a therapist and gain insight, and healthy coping tools. why not do that?

[Seekinganswers30]

OCD as in I like things to be tidy and organized and make sense. So in this situation somebody asking me to spend Christmas with their family and then blindsiding me, breaking up with a text and refusing to speak to me again is not something rational to do 4 days later and I am obsessing over how she could do that to me.

You said I'm doing unhealthy things to her? I said hello to her in the gym and she freaked out. I have not approached her since. I sent a bunch of texts asking her to give me a chance to talk to her and if she didn't want to get back together at least she made an effort to talk to me and put us on friendly terms so my mom could use her funeral home still like the rest of my family members . Why am I considered unhealthy towards her for that? She broke up with me 30 minutes before we were supposed to go shopping and I tried my hardest to be allowed one opportunity to fix whatever happened. This woman was crazy about me and super intense and then something changed overnight on my birthday trip and she treated me terribly for a month before dropping me like an ice cream wrapper and I just wanted her to help me understand what happened.

[ColdKnight]

I feel your pain but you have to stop looking for answers and trying to understand why she did it. It is hard to hear but it just doesn’t matter why? She doesn’t even know why most likely. For some reason the switch was flipped and the intense attraction felt for you has turned to intense non attraction and anger. There are two sides to pwBPD intensity.

You felt all the benefits of the good side. Now you are feeling the pain of the bad side. You may never know the actual why. I know you want to make sense of it. Trust me I did too. I spent a year trying to figure out why. The only why you need to know is because she has BPD

Trying to get her to think rationally is like trying to get a five year old to think rationally about quantum physics. She just does not have the foundation to think rationally and explain rationally. She is operating from pure emotion. Passion and emotion will override logic and reason in most normal people. Think what it does to someone with bpd.

I know you shouldn’t have to go to a different gym but seeing her there does nothing to make her want to be with you. It is even worse for you. It’s not worth it. The only way she will even consider contacting you again is if you disappear completely and even then no guarantees. I recently avoided a large work function that I had every right to attend because I did not want to take the slightest chance of running in to her.

Suppose you do send that email and she doesn’t respond? Most likely she won’t. What then?

What if she threatens to get a restraining order? What then?

What if she blocks all of your routes of communication? What then?

You are operating on high emotion right now just like she is. I know it’s hard brother but you have to get yourself in a logical mindset. Trust me. I struggle every day not to reach out.

You can do this. Day by day stronger each day.

[Seekinganswers30]

Thanks Cold Knight. Your posts have been extremely helpful the last few days. I know she is lost so I am not longer trying to think of ways to get her to talk to me. Both of the 2 occasions where she completely flipped out on me at the gym were after 6-8 weeks of me vanishing completely. It seems she became even worse after seeing me again not better. Which seems to defy the pattern?

Another thing I have been trying to understand if that is even possible when absolutely nothing about her or what she said has ever remained stable over the time I knew her. Everything always ends in a contradiction with her actions and words. She almost got in an argument with me once at dinner telling me that I better not ever honk at someone in the car or tell a teenager to shut up that is being rude in a movie theatre because it would embarrass her. I asked her how honking at someone could embarrass her and she said they might see her in the window with me and she would be embarassed because I'm causing a scene. She told me stories of her family letting people walk around their house with their shoes on even though it bothered them because they did not want to seem rude and offend. So she is terrified about public displays, she wouldn't even kiss me in public except the one time she wanted to get me attached in the beginning. So how could she erupt at me in the middle of the gym because I said hi and then instigate that scene last week with the filming? It does not match. If her actions were consistent and seeing me in person bothered her that much she should ignore me or walk away, not explode and cause a scene in front of other people. She made sure there were people beside her both times she exploded as well so she could tell them how much she was shaking and afraid.

I have to say too that her thought process of us never being able to be in the same buildng again after all the intimacy we shared and no argument ever had is mind blowing to me. She made me feel like I had cheated on her or hit her with the way she dropped me and ignored me. It's the NPD or BPD that everyone says to go no contact with. Instead I got it instead. Every single woman I have ever dated, no matter how they ended I would say hello to if I ever ran in to them. She wants the memory of me dead and buried and it is hurtful.

[Harri]

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Thank you.