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Author Topic: I want to sit in the bath and open my veins while drinking whiskey  (Read 554 times)
RomanticFool
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« on: September 13, 2019, 08:56:01 AM »

The pain of loss is on me today. I wrote four emails to my ex all have been unanswered. I told her in the first three exactly why I'm so hurt and in the final one I told her that I'm free to love her and how could she turn her back on us. She will call me crazy and say this is exactly why she doesn't want to be with me. She won't say that to me because she is long gone. She will either say that to her new lover or friends. I'm in absolute bits and can't think straight. All of these posts on here I've been making for the past two years and certainly the past couple of months were all supposed to make me feel better. I feel worse. I don't fee as if I want to live without her. I can't be bothered to find a new love or go into such in depth detail on myself merely to get hurt again. My wife has found a new love and I'm happy for her. I made a terrible mistake with my ex and I want to sit in the bath and open my veins while drinking whiskey. I'm sorry to alarm you all. I won't do it but I really want to.
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2019, 09:06:19 AM »

Will you please go to the hospital ED and get a script. Zanex works in about 10 minutes.

Every break-up is painful. Humans are wired that way. When I came here, I was as broken-hearted as you are today.

As we shared earlier, what you are feeling is more than the natural human pain of loss (which is huge)... you have all these other things from you life that are electrifying the pain to intolerable and dangerous levels.

You can reach the breaking. We all can.

If you were on the "Bettering Board" and looking for strategies to reconnect, the very first thing we would advise you is to get to terra firma... so that you don't make things worse.

Before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse.
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2019, 09:20:26 AM »

I’ll go after the play tonight but if I tell them I’m suicidal they’ll keep me in and section me. I have two final shows tomorrow. I can’t let my colleagues down. I’ve been trying to hold on until the play is done. I don’t think we get Zanex in the UK. I am feeling particularly bad today because in my head the play is the deadline for my ex to see me. I’ll know that when tomorrow night comes the r/s is dead.

She is gone. There is no making this better. I've lost her.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 09:26:50 AM by RomanticFool » Logged

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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2019, 09:37:12 AM »

Just an FYI, Xanax is a very addictive substance and I would advise against taking anything narcotic without telling a doctor that you are a alcoholic.   There are other things they can give you without addictive potential.  You need help, RF, you don't seem to be rational and need a safe place.  Reach out to your sponsor and network for support. Going to the hospital should be a priority.
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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2019, 10:02:33 AM »

Just an FYI, Xanax is a very addictive substance and I would advise against taking anything narcotic without telling a doctor that you are a alcoholic.  

Xanex is similar to Oxazepam in UK. It is one of several benzodiazepines that are prescribed in NHS.

Oxazepam is actually used in the treatment of alcoholism. And yes, benzodiazepines can be abused and become addictive.

The benefit is that it fast acting. Antidepressants can take 1-3 weeks to kick in. Benzodiazepines work in minutes/hours. Sometimes benzodiazepines are used in combination (to cover the lag time).

We have a number of members who have used them carefully and beneficially.

A MD can make that call.

Going to the hospital should be a priority.

Going after the play tonight makes sense.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2019, 10:04:18 AM »

I am feeling particularly bad today because in my head the play is the deadline for my ex to see me. I’ll know that when tomorrow night comes the r/s is dead.

RF, you clearly discouraged her from coming. If she doesn't come, it means nothing at all, either way.

There is no deadline.

I wrote four emails to my ex all have been unanswered. I told her in the first three exactly why I'm so hurt and in the final one I told her that I'm free to love her and how could she turn her back on us.

When did you send these?  What did you say?
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2019, 10:58:41 AM »

I sent her emails this morning outlining exactly how she has abused me and then another telling her she is turning her back on love...pathetic and will be met with her customary silence.
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2019, 11:13:50 AM »

Excerpt
RF, you clearly discouraged her from coming. If she doesn't come, it means nothing at all, either way.

There is no deadline.

Two weeks ago I offered her to come. She said she would love to but didn't know when. I told her to contact me with when she could make it. She hasn't. When she contacted me during the dress rehearsal she demanded to know why I hadn't invited her. I told her it was because she ended the r/s with me. I said I would like her to come and because I dared to complain about the way she ended the r/s she cut me off whatsapp again. Thats the kind of nonsense I've been dealing with. Why do you keep defending her BS? She knows that if she wanted to come I'd have had her in there like a shot. It's game playing. I'd rather she stayed away than played these stupid games.
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« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2019, 11:23:52 AM »

Why do you keep defending her BS?

I'm not defending her.  I'm trying anchor the distortions caused by depression and give you a more balanced perspective on what is going on in your life.

When she contacted me during the dress rehearsal she demanded to know why I hadn't invited her. I told her it was because she ended the r/s with me. I said I would like her to come and because I dared to complain about the way she ended the r/s she cut me off whatsapp again.

If the roles were reversed, RF, you wouldn't be going to her play tonight based on this interaction.

No one would.

You went through this type of dynamic with affair partner #1 and she hated it.  Remember?  People (including you) aren't responsive to this.
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« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2019, 11:28:19 AM »

I sent her emails this morning outlining exactly how she has abused me and then another telling her she is turning her back on love...pathetic and will be met with her customary silence.

RF, most romantic partners are not going to be positively motivated by being told they are abusive. You have expressed you own outrage when she has said told you that you are abusive.

Silence is a normal response to these things. Not coming to the play tonight is a normal reaction to how you handled her call last week and these letters.

It really important to not send anything else right now.

You really need to get to the hospital tonight.  You are running around in emotional circles - anxiety and depression do that. Everything seems catastrophic and seconds count  - that's full blown anxiety and depression.

What is going on with the play? How was the first night received? 
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2019, 11:29:05 AM »

Not true. I would have gone. She’s had two weeks to contact me. She doesn’t want to. She isn’t replying to emails. I think she has blocked me on all channels. The play does matter. She wanted to go and she sabotaged it. I’ve offered her the chance to come. My thinking isn’t distorted. She makes me jump through hoops and always makes me chase. Now she’s gone. The play is important to me. She knows my marriage is over. She doesn’t care. I couldn’t let her keep blocking me on WhatsApp and pretending that nothing had happened . As you can see it was affecting my mental health. Now it’s gone this far and I’ve lost her. I should be rejoicing that I’m free of her instead I’m emailing her and feeling suicidal. Wtf is wrong with me?
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 11:37:49 AM by RomanticFool » Logged

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« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2019, 11:54:44 AM »

You're depressed,  RF.  You need more help than a message board can offer.  There is nothing shameful about asking for help.  Is there a therapist you can reach out to?  Maybe get some recommendations from guys in AA?  I have done therapy several times in my sobriety, it's ok to need help and ask for it.
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2019, 12:15:54 PM »

Skip, I haven’t heard from her for two weeks. Today is the first day I called her abusive. I am upset that she hasn’t got back to me about coming to the play as tomorrow is the last day.. Her MO is to make me chase her. That’s what I’m no longer doing. She said that I didn’t try hard enough when she cut me off after ending the r/s. Make all the excuses for her you want her behaviour is abusive and designed to cause maximum pain. My friend said towards the end of the r/s it was obviously no longer about being married it was about her controlling me. This is where it has brought me to. I need to find a site online for people who are abused because that’s what I feel like. Her psychological warfare has brought me to my knees.

I can’t sfford therapy or I’d be sprinting there now. The prospect of my wife leaving my flat is worrying me as I’ll need to rent the room out and the place is a mess as my wife has done zero housework in the last six months.
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« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2019, 12:33:48 PM »

My thinking isn’t distorted.

During intense emotional distress, everybody's thinking is distorted.  It's the nature of overwhelming emotion.

First things first, get help getting your feet on solid ground as others have said here.  You can reevaluate then and figure out a next step.

Actions you take out of this emotional turmoil have the potential to close doors and damage options.  Find solid ground first.  Reevaluate then.
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2019, 12:55:40 PM »

This is about acceptance. Once I accept that she isn’t coming back I will start to heal. Today is Friday the 13th. It will go down in my history as the day I accepted the r/s is over. If I survive the next few days and weeks I’ll be on the road to a proper recovery. Thanks for your help and support.
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« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2019, 01:04:02 PM »

I can’t sfford therapy or I’d be sprinting there now.

It's tough not being able to afford things.  Trust me that I know.  But, if you'd sprint to therapy, what about the option of calling a crisis line?  I'm sure NHS or a non-profit has something in place you can call for a little stabilization and they tend to also have information on resources or options you may be able to tap into.
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« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2019, 01:18:11 PM »

RF,
 
Take a deep breath. I first want to say, do not make a permanent decision for a temporary situation. It is very clear you are hurting deeply and I am sorry you are struggling. I want you to try to calm yourself and see what others are really trying to say in their responses to you. I know that it may not be what you want to hear but look at the intent in their messages. The members of this board clearly care about you and are trying to get you over this “hump” 
Many of us have felt exactly like you are feeling and have made it to the other side. When you are reading the messages in a highly emotional state, you are missing the intent behind the message. I would encourage you to re-read the threads when you are calmer.
First and foremost you need to be seen by a doctor to help you take the edge off of your anxiety so that life will be more manageable for you at this time. Please go to the ED and seek help. Hospitals do not normally keep people that feel suicidal but do not express a plan in place. Many have crisis centers to help stabilize you.
You have received a lot of good information in this thread and I hope you seek out the suggestions. Your AA sponsor would be a great start. Perhaps they could go with you to the ED.
I know it does not seem like it but this is a temporary situation. Keep repeating that to yourself when you are struggling.
Take care of yourself!
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« Reply #17 on: September 13, 2019, 01:27:17 PM »

The prospect of my wife leaving my flat is worrying me as I’ll need to rent the room out and the place is a mess as my wife has done zero housework in the last six months.

Are you really saying this?  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Once I accept that she isn’t coming back I will start to heal.

Yes. In any relationship, once we believe that there is no hope - truly believe - then the pain lessons and we start to accept.

I think you still have hope that she will see the light, that past resentments will be overcome, that you two will find a way. That is why today is stressing you so much.

Everything you are feeling is real. The only reason I explain all this is to help to break it down and manage through it. There are a lot of things coming together at one that are causing you to hurt. You are attaching it all to her, but in reality, she is just a part of it. She is, however, that catalyst.

I can’t sfford therapy or I’d be sprinting there now.

You are covered for a emergency services. You can call a suicide hotline and they will tell you the best place for you to "walk in".

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« Reply #18 on: September 13, 2019, 01:32:03 PM »

RF, I'm sorry, but you just put a $1000 vacation on a credit card and you won't spend a fraction on that on your own care?  It is well worth the investment.
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« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2019, 01:36:05 PM »

Yes through SLAA there is a suicide walk in centre. I will contact the woman who told me about it tonight. I will take action.

No criticism intended towards my wife. We are both rubbish at housework but I was just thinking practically about renting her room out. She would admit she is rubbish at housework.

Today has crushed any hope I had left. I can feel myself relaxing. She isn’t coming back. I know that now. Here is all I’m left with:

When I am sad and weary,
When I think all hope has gone,
When I walk along High Holborn
I think of you with nothing on.

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« Reply #20 on: September 13, 2019, 01:38:28 PM »

. RF, I'm sorry, but you just put a $1000 vacation on a credit card and you won't spend a fraction on that on your own care?  It is well worth the investment.

That’s why I’m broke! One of the reasons. Please don’t judge me. I am going to get the help I need. I’ don’t think you Americans understand poverty!
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« Reply #21 on: September 13, 2019, 01:53:53 PM »

I went through a bankruptcy when I first got sober.  I explained the situation to a therapist and she saw me for a very reduced fee.  Never hurts to ask.

And trust me, Americans know all about debt.
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« Reply #22 on: September 13, 2019, 03:22:49 PM »

Forgive the generalisation. I’m  judging by my relatives in LA. They never quite get just how broke I am most of the time. I’ve been over to stay with them on a few occasions and broke to them means you’re down to your last $10k

I’ll try and sort something out soon. The ramifications of my actions last year are really hitting home. I wanted so much to be with the A.A. woman. She is like stone now. Obviously moved on and it hurts like hell. If she knew me or cared about me properly or wasn’t disordered she’d have understood I’m not some predatory narcissist but just someone who took a gamble on a chance of happiness and fudged it coz he felt guilty about leaving the marital home. I’m glad my wife has found somebody. She deserves it. At least it was worth all this upset for her happiness.
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« Reply #23 on: September 13, 2019, 09:21:41 PM »

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in life is that some relationships, witg great potential, fail just because it was the wrong time.
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« Reply #24 on: September 14, 2019, 08:59:53 AM »

Or because they’re unstable and violent? Not to get back into the blame game as I’m way past that, but I have to stop thinking that the r/s could have worked. If I keep believing that I will literally drive myself insane. I think it was the wrong time for both of us, but I also believe even if it had been the right time and we were both healthier it wouldn’t have worked. Violence is not an issue that disappears whatever the circumstances. I would still have ended up walking on eggshells, I just may have been slightly better at pacifying her. I ask myself if that’s a r/s that I really want. Do I really want somebody who sees a man crying as emotional damage? No I don’t.
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« Reply #25 on: September 14, 2019, 12:24:23 PM »

Hi RF.

Excerpt
I’ll try and sort something out soon. ...  Yes through SLAA there is a suicide walk in centre. I will contact the woman who told me about it tonight. I will take action.

Please call and let us know how you make out RF.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Samaritans has a free to call service 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, if you want to talk to someone in confidence. Call them on 116 123.

Find local crisis support services near you
Contact NHS 111

You can call NHS 111 if you or someone you know needs urgent care, but it's not life threatening.
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« Reply #26 on: September 14, 2019, 01:45:31 PM »

Thanks Harri,

I’ve rung the Samaritans a number of times. My previous ex works for them, which is one of the reasons I’ve been talking to her. There is a walk in service in London for people who are suicidal which I will go to next week. I’m ok at the moment but my play ends tonight and I need to keep myself steady over the next few days. I am talking to quite a few people and have told my family and close friends what’s going on. I’m starting to feel less lonely but I know the testing times will be over the next few weeks. I’ll be seeing a doctor too with a view to possibly going on anti depressants. I didn’t end up going to the hospital last night as I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. Unfortunately I had a heart rending dream about my ex. Went to an A.A. meeting to try to deal with my emotions. Have seen many friends and relatives today. Support and help is at hand. I I am also going back to SLAA and will most likely start the HOW programme which means cutting the ex off on all channels. Since she has most likely done  it to me already it no longer feels like an issue.
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« Reply #27 on: September 14, 2019, 02:48:27 PM »

RF, it sounds like you have a good plan in place.  I hope the last night of your play goes well.  I'm glad you've been reaching out to your friends, just talking about things and letting people know where you're at emotionally usually helps a lot.
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« Reply #28 on: September 14, 2019, 04:36:53 PM »

For the record, it would never have worked.  No matter the time, your changing, etc.


Or because they’re unstable and violent? Not to get back into the blame game as I’m way past that, but I have to stop thinking that the r/s could have worked. If I keep believing that I will literally drive myself insane. I think it was the wrong time for both of us, but I also believe even if it had been the right time and we were both healthier it wouldn’t have worked. Violence is not an issue that disappears whatever the circumstances. I would still have ended up walking on eggshells, I just may have been slightly better at pacifying her. I ask myself if that’s a r/s that I really want. Do I really want somebody who sees a man crying as emotional damage? No I don’t.
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« Reply #29 on: September 14, 2019, 06:09:15 PM »

Thanks for your support. I now see that she was never as invested in me as I was in her. I keep thinking of all the things she said and did in the last year and it makes me realise how difficult it would have been even if I kept my side of the street clean. I just think now that there was never a chance the r/s would have lasted.
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« Reply #30 on: September 16, 2019, 03:14:28 AM »

Based on RFs posts:
1. He is / was married
2. Porn addicted and alcoholic
3. Cheated on his wife
4. Obviously was lying to his wife and most likely the piano chick.
5. Piano chick figured him out as a two timing liar and dumped him
6. He clings to next girl and calls her a BPD. ( doubtful as his own bleating is BPD if not outright bollox)


Conclusion: RF is BPD in denial with a fantasy life that he is having validated on this site.

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« Reply #31 on: September 16, 2019, 04:08:07 AM »

DragoN,

Welcome to the site. Who said anything about porn addicted? The A.A. girl knew I was married. My wife and I are now amicably breaking up. I was lying to my wife but not the A.A. girl. I’m the piano man she doesn’t play. She thought I was lying constantly most likely because I was married and this exacerbated her own issues. There is no next girl and I’ll be doing no clinging. I came on here not to ‘bleat’ but to get help. If you think anybody is validating anything I’ve done on here then you should read the posts carefully. I may well be BPD or NPD but I can assure you I am certainly not in denial about it. What people were doing on this site is trying to help me work through a period in which I was feeling suicidal. They have all encouraged me to look at my own behaviour and take responsibility, which is what I will now be doing. I hope whatever has brought you to this site will get better with the valuable help and advice you’ll receive on here. There are many souls in pain that people on here have helped. This site is called BPD family and it is exactly what we all are. Much love to you.

RF
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