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Author Topic: Desperately need advice on my adult son  (Read 734 times)
Deestef

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« on: September 13, 2019, 06:07:42 AM »

 Paragraph header  (click to insert in post) My son is 30 years old.He has been out of the house since he was 20. I told him it would’ve better to live with Dad.  His stepfather and I tried many ways to normalize his behavior before getting to that point. He was doing and dealing drugs and he didn’t want to stop and did not want to abide by any rules. Long story short he told everyone he was homeless including my family who at first believed him. When we told him to leave we gave him a 6 year old SUV so he would have no excuse not to go to work or go back to college. He complained about the suv we gave him of course. He refused to live with hisDad. Instead he hopped from friends house to friend’s house burning bridges. In the midst he got arrested when cops pulled him over and he had drugs his car. He finally and recently went to live with his Dad but that went sour. He is30 now. He called me yesterday and said he may be getting a job in the city which is an hour plus train ride from me. He plans to sleep in his car in front of my house .he plans to shower at a gym that is15 plus minutes away. I am in the process of selling my house. I feel so manipulated. He knows this will make me feel bad. For him.i live with his stepfather. 2 months ago my son told me he couldn’t see me for holidays because it was too painful to step in the house because my husband told him he  should get a second job. He told him that because a year ago he got jujitsu teaching job close and asked if he could stay in the house between classes. We said yes. However he was only teaching 1 to 2 hours a day .my husband would come home  from a long day’s work with my son playing video games. He hates his stepfather but now he wants to live in his car in front of the house.he said he doesn’t want to rent because he has to pay off his student loan which is my fault of course . He said I told him he should go to college .i could go on and on.i am tired. What should I do? Help.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
MomSA
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2019, 07:56:50 AM »

Hi

The first question is: "what are you prepared to live with?" Can you face him everyday living in the car. If yes, then thats his choice and he must do that. If you can't, you will need to do what you must to get him moved on.

Secondly, those with BPD are masters of manipulating our feelings. Try and see the difference between what is really hurtful and what they make up in their minds is. For instance, it hurts when relationships are broken. But it doesn't hurt to be told to get a job.

I am sorry for your struggles.
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2019, 08:40:03 AM »

Hello Deestef
Welcome to the group. I am sorry for what you are going through with your son. Is there a particular reason why he needs to park in front of your house that you are trying to sell? If it doesn't feel right can you say no? Is he still selling drugs? Let us know how we can help.
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Deestef

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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2019, 01:08:20 PM »

MomSa, Thank you. That helped me see it more clearly. It’s hard to sort out when my feelings as a mother muddy up my brain.  I find it so hard to talk to other parents. I constantly hear ‘you really need to try to get him help ‘ . The last time I offered to pay for any counseling he needed (a few months ago) he told me ‘ don’t you dare ever mention that to me again.’ My husband and I decided we are going to tell him that staying in front of our house is not an option. However we are going to offer to pay for his security deposit  and first  months rent for him to find his own place. I am going to predict he will say no because he hates paying rent. What do you think?
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Deestef

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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2019, 01:12:53 PM »

Moderator's note: Post has been edited fornprivaxy
Hi Faith,

He said he wants to park in front of our house because someone else may call the cops if he is parked anywhere else. He is still selling drugs. I asked him to stop. He said he will never stop. He said it is a skill he had to learn when we told him he had to move with his father. He remembers it as we threw him out on the street which is false. I called his father to make sure he had a place to stay even though he was 20. I want to run away. Thank you are listening.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 04:45:15 PM by FaithHopeLove » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2019, 04:18:41 PM »

Hi Deestef,

You are not alone!  My son is also 30, and I have had similar experiences (sans the drug part).  Threatening to live in his car in front of your house and saying it hurts too much to come inside is something my son would do.
Like your son, mine was expected to live with his father since he was 16 (because he was kicked out of school and his dad had a business that he could work at).  He got kicked out of his dad's house and I did not run to his rescue because I wanted him to respect his father's rules.  I did offer him to stay with me at that point but only if he could accept his stepfather's rules and he did not want to conform.   So now, like your son he says that he was homeless as a youth because of me and because he sacrificed himself for me to be happy with my husband.    I love the S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) model that they talk about on this site and I have used it with my son about this.   The Support and Empathy are super important but if I can't follow up with some truth I feel like a bit of a door mat.   
If my son was threatening to live in his car in front of my house I would have to tell him in no uncertain terms that if this happens the police will be called to remove him because it is inappropriate especially if there are drugs involved.  It is hard because we don't want to hurt them more but they also know that and I believe my son plays on that.   Best wishes, do what feels right and if you are interested try looking up the S.E.T. model of communication.
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“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.”

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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #6 on: September 13, 2019, 04:52:11 PM »

Excerpt
He said he wants to park in front of our house because someone else may call the cops if he is parked anywhere else. He is still selling drugs.

So basically he wants to deal drugs out of his car in front of your house? I would say heck no to that also! He would be putting you and your husband in danger.

Safety first.
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MomSA
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« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2019, 11:15:50 PM »

So basically he wants to deal drugs out of his car in front of your house? I would say heck no to that also! He would be putting you and your husband in danger.

Safety first.

I agree.

We have used the law to force our child to make better choices.
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Lollypop
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« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2019, 02:28:04 AM »

Hi

We often agree to things because we are feeling muddled. We call this FOG. Making decisions because we are fearful, obligated or feeling guilty. I wonder if you are able to see which (or all) of these you’re feeling at the moment.

I’d make a rational decision and then talk to my son28. I’d try justify my stance. I found it difficult to confront him because I’d fear his reaction and I used to do this kind of dance around him. We don't have to justify, argue, defend or even explain ourselves. We call this JADE. It’s ok just to say “no”.

There’s nothing you can do about your son feeling the way he does about the past. A way forward is for you to think “that was then, this is now”. Time spent on the past or the future (which is unknown) is wasted energy. Focus on today.

Make a decision about what you want to happen and stick with it. Make it clear what you are prepared to do so there’s no misunderstanding.

I learnt a hard lesson. My son returned home at 24 and he’s finally living independently and he’s 29 soon. Yes, he does drugs too. I understand some of your situation I think.

The lesson is:  for them to behave like an adult they need to be treated like one. Simple. Everything they should do for them self, they do themselves. But They resist.

There is a lot you can do to help yourself on this forum. You can learn how to better interact with your son, set better limits and boundaries and explore a way forwards to achieve a healthier relationship with him. It takes a lot of baby steps and we are all here helping one another. It is possible to feel happier, despite the problems.

Have you spoken to your son?  How did it go?

Hugs

LP
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Deestef

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« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2019, 12:41:18 PM »

Hi LP,

I definitely have FOG and I definitely JADE when speaking with Him. Thank you so much for your advice. Today I purchased 2 of the companion books to Stop Walking on Eggshells . Where else should I start? I never heard of FOG orJADE until now. It makes so much sense and makes me feel relieved I am not alone. I chickened out because of fear. I called his biological father and asked why our son is planning to leave his rent free house in PA to live in his car outside my house in NY. His father was totally unaware . He said he was going to speak with him and tell him that is not acceptable and that his stepfather and I will help him with his security deposit and 1st mo rent if he wants to move from PA. His biological father is tougher than I am. I feel like a coward that I am afraid talk to my son. I have so much to learn. Deestef
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Lollypop
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« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2019, 12:55:17 PM »

Hi Deefsted

Excerpt
to Stop Walking on Eggshells

This is a good place to start. Arm yourself up with knowledge and understanding first.  You’ll see he can’t change, you must and you’ll start to build a back bone. I parented either too hard or too soft when my adult son was younger. It’s about finding some middle ground and lovingly setting yourself some boundaries. Your confidence will grow.

You can take control back over your situation but it’s a lot of baby steps - well, that’s what I found anyways.

It’s great you’re on speaking terms with your sons father. Maybe you, your husband an ex can get On the same song sheet. This would be fantastic as a starting point and you’re reading too. They can learn from you.

LP
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
livednlearned
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« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2019, 11:20:23 AM »

It's understandable to feel muddled, not only because you're his mom, he is also struggling with a disorder that impairs his thinking. He's an aggressive victim and we have a hard time not seeing the victim part.

With my step daughter (22) I ask whether the behavior would be tolerated by others. I tend to be a big softie and being a doormat doesn't help her with behaviors that continuously push people away.

The key is to convey these boundaries in a way that works with people who are hellbent on rolling right through them. And that works for us, who tend to be prone to fear, obligation, and guilt.

You're in the right place  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

We all work on these steps, one day at a time.

LnL
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