Frustrating conversation with nonBPD son who doesn't get it about his BPD sister

[Rosheger]

I wonder if anyone else can relate.  Trying to explain to a non-BPD child why their sibling is different.  My 35 yo son thinks all his sister has to do it exercise, eat healthy, drink water, go to work, go to therapy, meet friends and family on a regular basis, and she should be just fine.  AND that I am diagnosing her with a condition she may not have when it is so much more simple than I am making it out to be.  She has never been tested, true.  Her behavior patterns are classic BPD as several therapists have told me.  I was never able to afford getting her tested, but I have no doubts, especially after reading so many of your posts and books that are so similar to my experiences with her from childhood.
  As I shared recently my daughter had gone silent on me after something I said which I learned was not validating (even though I thought it was at the time).  She requested her space, which I gave.  After a few months, I sent her a bday card which she responded to but nothing since then (a month ago).  My son says she told him I said something that deeply disturbed her months ago, and that she is afraid of getting triggered again, so is very afraid to see me.  
  My son wants me to reach out to her and set up regular visits.  what?  I wish it were that simple.  I have given him books on BPD to read but he isn't interested.  He is much like his dad in believing just get up by your bootstraps and get it together kind of thinking.  
  So I am feeling frustrated and alone, again, in trying to make sense of what to do and how to be.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

That is rough. It sounds like your husband and your son are basically in denial and you are all alone in seeing things differently. Do they generally not believe mental illness is a thing or are they just having a hard time considering it may be the cause of your daughter's behavior?

[Rosheger]

My ex-husband never believed in therapy - one of the big reasons we got divorced.  He also thinks my getting into therapy pushed me away from him (now that he just may be right about   He wouldn't pay for our dtr's therapy for years, but did finally contribute to a 3 month rehab place for her when she was 28.  My son does believe in therapy and goes himself from time to time.  He doesn't believe in diagnoses, much like his dad, who used to say to me "has she been diagnosed?"  If not, I dont believe in anything being wrong with her.  Catch=22 - he wouldnt help pay for testing!

[cbusmom]

I wonder if anyone else can relate. 

He is much like his dad in believing just get up by your bootstraps and get it together kind of thinking. 

I can absolutely relate. My H also has the same way of thinking. Your comment about pulling up by the bootstraps & getting it together is spot on for him. My youngest son 16 has mixed feelings about his BPD brother 22. He recognizes he has 'issues' but until recently he kinda felt that all of his life chaos was self inflicted. Which it mostly is. Only recently has he indicated that he can see that the self infliction was caused by his BPD. Honestly, I am not even sure if he sees it or he just agrees with me when I read or tell him something I have learned about how his brother's BPD manifests symptoms.

[wendydarling]

Hiya Rosh

My son does believe in therapy and goes himself from time to time.  He doesn't believe in diagnoses

Interesting Rosh, what does he go to therapy for?  When he says he does not believe in diagnoses might he be referring to labels, if he goes to therapy time to time himself, this maybe a touchy point for him?

Have you worked out your DD's triggers? It helps to share here.

WDx

[Rosheger]

Great question Wendy!  No I haven't worked out my DD triggers.  I am only just learning the correct language of dealing with a BPD.  I know historically I trigger her when I say anything that feels "corrective" or "into solution", or something that makes her look at her part, or that she may even have a part(!)  She tells me and her brother that there is "something about me" that brings out the worst in her and she doesn't want that.  So we both walk on eggshells trying not to hurt the other. (And yes I have read that book too). 
 

[Rosheger]

I agree about my son not liking labels. He goes to therapy because he knows I have gotten a lot out of it.  He struggles with making decisions and tends to stays stuck in jobs and relationships due to lack of confidence.. 

[wendydarling]

Hiya Rosh

I can understand it's frustrating your son is not forthcoming, understanding his sister. Of course practicing self care he mentions is part of, from my personal experience managing wellbeing, it however has come after my DD addressing more serious, core issues - suicide ideation, alcohol dependence,  self harm, psychosis …….. and more...

What do you feel is your DD's starting point right now, is she reaching out for help? You've said in previous posts your DD is resilient, in what context? What are her talents, her strengths?

How are you getting on with learning the communication tools and lessons? Using them, practising with anyone in your life can give us confidence ahead of using with our loved one.

What I learnt is when I slowed down and gradually took in my learning life turned around. DD's too.

Gently does it Rosh, take your time, it starts with us changing our approach with our emotionally sensitive children  

WDx

[wendydarling]

A PS

My 31DD lives with me, and yes she's hid herself away in her room, to regulate herself from time to time. It has been hard, I worried until I recognised she is proactively helping herself.

[Rosheger]

Once again, WDx, you give me much appreciated food for thought.
By saying my daughter is "resilient" ... I often felt with her that her life would have put me at bottom many times, but  she never seems to hit her bottom.  She gets pretty close though.   She is still alive (!), seems to always find someone who will take her in, get a job (some brief, some longer).  Currently, at age 38, for the first time in her life, she is living in her own apartment, fully self-sufficient.  That is a miracle .  At the same time, I also hear she is drinking again and isolating and very depressed (my son told me this).  I shared in another post how he wants me to reach out to her every week.  She has asked me for space, I am giving it to her, but it's hard, and I can't help wondering if I should just call her. 

[FaithHopeLove]

She has asked me for space, I am giving it to her, but it's hard, and I can't help wondering if I should just call her.

When your daughter asked for space did she say what that meant in terms of phone calls and visits?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rosheger]

I texted her and asked her what "space" meant and she responded, nicely, she wants no contact at all.  She knows I don't mean to, but she feels pressured by me, she loves me and is working on herself which will take time. She asked me to understand. I know it's "detach with love" time. 
   Guess my anxiety has been getting the best of me as I thought I might have cancer and was afraid or not looking forward to, going through that without my dtr in my life.  Good news is I don't have cancer, but something else that is manageable.
  As others have said, I need to take it slow, learn as much as I can about BPD and take care of myself.

[FaithHopeLove]

If that is the case then no, you definitely should not call her. It is time to detach with love and focus on yourself while your daughter focuses on herself. Your son is on his own journey and will need to make peace with his sister's condition in his own way. In other words I think you may be in a place I often get to. You have done all you can for your children. It is time to do for you. Thank God you don't have cancer. But you do have health challenges and you have been and are in a tough situation emotionally. I am sorry if you said this and I missed it but what is your self care plan?

[Rosheger]

Thank you so much Faith!  Your words help tremendously.  I will back off and let her grow and let my son grow too, each in their own way.  As for me,  I have a good life - I still work with cancer survivors, which has been a most enriching experience for me as I learn so much from these survivors about life, what is important, what isn't.  I also meditate daily, walk, go to a gym and do Zumba, take art classes, and go to therapy with a PTSD counselor working on the trauma from my childhood.  So, I have much to be grateful for and this site and people like you included!

[FaithHopeLove]

I am glad you are taking good care of yourself and that you are here.

[wendydarling]

I texted her and asked her what "space" meant and she responded, nicely, she wants no contact at all.  She knows I don't mean to, but she feels pressured by me, she loves me and is working on herself which will take time. She asked me to understand. I know it's "detach with love" time

Your DD is honest with you, she loves you, is asking for your understanding as she works to get to a better place.

What a relief your test came back with something manageable. It must have been very scary Rosh  

Along with Faith, I'm glad you are here with us.

WDx

[Rosheger]

Me too!  Thank you Faith and WDx