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Author Topic: Part 2: Partner disappeared again  (Read 957 times)
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« on: September 12, 2019, 10:49:45 PM »

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread can be found here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338697.0

Thanks everyone for the replies and support. I'd be in a worse way without you!

Things have been very bad here. I have had day after day of put-downs and verbal abuse. I completely lost it last night and told her I didn't give a  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) what she does anymore, and that her threats and bullying will do nothing. She then yelled about my children and their bullying. To be honest, both my kids can't stand her anymore. My eldest son has just about moved out of here and abandoned his bedroom and its contents. My youngest son keeps telling me to leave her and says he is worried she is going to take me away and that I have been brainwashed.

Last night I told her she needs to stop being a terrorist and pull her finger out and realise there are many other people suffering in this World besides her. I am sure you can imagine how well this went down. I just couldn't hold back anymore. I am sick of all of this 'validation'. I can't sell myself out anymore.

She tried to back peddle when she realised I am at the end of my tether. I refused to talk to her. I have no energy left. She went to bed and watched a serial killer documentary. She says she understands Dennis Nilsen. I think that says it all.

Today she has gone to look at a place to rent. Today I hope she does move out. It just isn't working like this. I think what is best for everyone, is she has her own space where she can learn to grow up and be able to hide away when she is not coping. I'll likely get blamed for it all. What can I do? It is virtually impossible having a relationship with an adult woman who has tantrums every day.

I guess I might be lonely for a bit. I'll probably miss her, or at least my ideal image of her; the mirage. I just can't be treated like this anymore. It is crushing me and I cannot allow myself to be destroyed. Dracula must die! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


PS: And I must thank you all for the time you have spent sharing your stories. Today I am thinking about that rope... Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 12:30:39 PM by Harri » Logged
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2019, 11:25:32 PM »

Sorry you're having a rough time.  To what extent are you still expecting her to get better?

Can you tell us a little bit about how her tantrums affect you?

RC
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« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2019, 09:57:47 PM »

Radcliff, to be honest, I have next to no hope she will get better. I'd have to say things have got worse over time. The only good thing is at least I know why this is happening. I feel very sorry for her. It must be difficult being like like that. It is just very draining being around her constant drama.

The other day I completely lost patience with her onslaught. I told her she was a cancer in my life and needed to be amputated. I will never live that one down. I will be here in a decade telling you how she is still bringing that up! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

She went to look for somewhere to rent. Came back drunk. Said she had been drinking with the landlord and how things will get better now because she will be away from me and my abusive children. The next day she was sobbing telling me she broke down to this landlord and told him she was in a domestic violence situation.

I have been trying SET. Not sure if it is working. She is in the shower. She actually did some work last night... first time in a week at least.

Not sure where this will all end up. In tears? Probably. I'll write a bit more later. I just don't get much time alone.
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« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2019, 10:08:13 PM »

I have followed your story.

Are you willing to lose your children over this "relationship"?
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2019, 02:42:26 AM »

Like Gagrl, I'm concerned about your relationship with your children.  Can you remind us of their situations?  How old they are, which one has special needs, if the adult child is working, etc.?

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« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2019, 11:22:16 PM »

Thank you for the input. I am having a lot of trouble just finding a quiet time to write here. Between my partner and myself I would say we are just tolerating each other, and that is all. My eldest son (27) is now staying at his friend's house. He fractured his toe whilst there and has not been home except to pick up some paperwork for his university course. He says his laptop is not working and is using his friend's computer. Maybe he just wants to stay away from here. He cannot take the yelling and fighting anymore, I'd say. He doesn't like my partner at all. Who can blame him really? He hears her being very vocal on a daily basis putting him down. "He's 27 and can't even get his clothes off the line", "You are supporting his bad behaviour", "He needs to grow up and leave home", "I can't stand your abusive kids". etc.

My youngest son is 18. He is here all day as he only goes to school a few hours a day, two days a week. He is autistic. He really does not like my partner at all. She wants him to die, or so she says. It is a war which will never end. I would like to find a solution to all of this, but the reality is, I would need compromise from all parties, which is unlikely.

It would be best if my partner found an apartment nearby for her. This way if she is needs to be alone, she can, and so can I. What I think she wants is for me to walk out on my kids, never see them again, and move overseas with her. I cannot just cut off my kids because she doesn't get along with them. She moved in pretty fast with making sure I had absolutely no contact with my sons mother. I complied but even that has not been sufficient to stop the constant allegations. Recently she has accused my sister of betraying her because she attended to a vet matter with my sons mother's dog. My sister liked my partner and they got on well. Since this though, things have soured.

So I don't know what to do. Six years ago my mother died. I got back in contact with my friend who had fallen out with me over something I thought was a misunderstanding. And then we became involved in a relationship with each other. I knew nothing of BPD. Since the 'lightbulb moment', I have been able to reflect on the ten or so years we have known each other and make sense of it all.

Am I willing to lose my children over this relationship? No. It is looking increasingly likely this will never get better. I'd have to say it is getting worse. I am always in the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) - the depth varies. All this validation and SET and the other tools are not working fast enough. The tools are blunt. The ship is sinking and the passengers are bailing out. It will only get worse.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2019, 01:43:57 AM »

Have you talked with her about the idea of living separately?

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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2019, 10:26:34 PM »

Yes I have spoken to her about that. She takes it as an insult. I have pointed out the benefits for her. Her response to this yesterday is to tell me she is moving to a city 1500km away. I have said I would share the rent with her on an apartment nearby to here but she won't. She has been packing suitcases on and off for weeks. Radcliff, she is like a child. I am not sure to what depth I love her anymore. She has been ignoring me for weeks. I bring her coffee and she scowls at me. She won't even talk to me now. She just said she is going to phone her son to pick her up so she can use the toilet. Today she has taken the silent treatment down another level. I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish it would end.
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« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2019, 11:24:11 PM »

Excerpt
I just couldn't hold back anymore. I am sick of all of this 'validation'. I can't sell myself out anymore.

validation is not a panacea. it also is not selling oneself out. far more important in the short term is avoiding invalidation, as opposed to validating.

in short, there are many other tools at your disposal. but the first step is really stopping the bleeding. the two of you are going at it hard. lashing out is not helping. it never does. youre angry, theres a lot of hurt and resentment here, i understand.

what are the two of you primarily fighting about right now? the kids?
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2019, 11:52:08 PM »

I am very worn out. I think the pain of her going from my life would be far less worse than the pain of her being in my life. She has completely shut down. I am left trying to keep it all together. Mind you it could all change at the drop of a hat. Suddenly she will switch and we will be together like a 'normal' couple doing things together, being intimate, going for walks.

Yes, she hates my kids. She won't even use the bathroom here again. But if it isn't my kids, it is someone else. She willl stay with her son and that will last 3 days before she comes back here telling me his girlfriend is a  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) and is keeping him prisoner.

I will think about NOT invalidating. I'll try that. Thanks for the input. I am at  a loss what to do.
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« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2019, 12:37:18 AM »

i think that this lesson can help you far more than validating: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

if you read it, the text that accompanies the video is really a big picture outlook on conflict in general. its all about stopping the bleeding.

Excerpt
Yes, she hates my kids.

if they are your kids and not hers, this can present a bigger challenge.

does she have a say in the parenting style/approach? it seems like that could be what shes fighting for; albeit less than constructively.

what do you think?
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« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2019, 01:21:39 AM »

Thanks for the link and advice. She is in the bedroom with me right now, refusing to speak. Both my children are adults. Eldest son is 27; youngest is 18, Austism. Basically what has happened is they cannot tolerate her screaming and smashing up of things as I can. They have very little empathy left. It is not possible for me to up and leave. My youngest son needs me in his life. My partner accuses me of 'choosing' to have them in my life, almost as if they are old schoolfriends.

She is a complete dreamer. She expects that we should be living in a castle in France, not here in a dusty desert in Australia. And while that dream is not totally impossible, it will take time and a lot of work to achieve. She has no patience. In the 10 years or so which I have known her, I have always had this shutting down, silent treatment, rejection. Even when I had no children living with me, she still behaves like this. This has been the regular feature of our friendship/relationship. Before I came to this site, I had no idea what was going on. Now I do. I see very little hope in this. I mean, what do I do when she is being a pain in the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)? Ignore her? Even children behave better than this.

Later tonight I will look at what you have suggested. All I can do today is stay out of her way.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2019, 01:39:01 AM »

once removed's suggestion to look at the Ending Conflict lesson is a good one.

Are you consistently investing in your relationships with your sons?  Do you have activities you can do with them, perhaps out of the house, that bring you together?  You don't need her support in order to invest in your relationships with them.  It needs to be a steady commitment regardless of what's going on with her.

You know about the various tools.  They can be tough to use, especially when we're frazzled, but we need to do our best with them.  When she's being a pain in the  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post), what do you do?  Is there room for you to protect yourself better?

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« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2019, 07:22:16 AM »

I don't know what to do. Do I start a new thread or continue here?

Anyone who has been following this comedy/tragedy would not be surprised by any of this. I guess I shouldn't be either. I have been getting the cold shoulder treatment for several weeks now. She's really been sticking in the voodoo pins of late. Just as I was at my wits end two days ago, she changed, just like that. She switched from hatred to love faster than the flick of a switch. Oh, it was all so lovely. She was cuddling me, watching movies, having picnics on the bed, going for walks. This lasted two days. Two days of pleasantries among a sea of  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post).

It looked like she was excited about working together on this suicidal fraught-with-danger online business venture again. The orders had been trickling in very slowly of late, mainly because it is a reflection of this relationship. It is like a garden; if it isn't watered daily, it will wilt.

This morning she wakes up in a foul mood. We had been up all night watching the UK Parliament House of Commons. We slept in until around midday. She did no work today except lay in bed watching ancient Rome and Egypt documentaries. I tried to console her. She said she was depressed. I tried to give her space. I tried to cuddle her. I don't know what I could have done. This afternoon she vanishes without saying a thing. But hey, I am used to this. She comes back smelling of alcohol. Then she vanishes again. Comes back more drunk. I suggest we have dinner but she climbs into the bedroom window and rings her son. She slurs into the phone, "Hello darling... I am an idiot. I don't know what the hell I have been doing, but I need to get out of here. Of course darling. I appreciate it. I won't be a burden on you. I just need to get away from this abuse. I will release some superannuation money and move on in my life".

I try to talk to her. She won't engage. I try to hug her; she bites my hand. She begins packing all of her vintage sewing patterns into boxes and throws them in a panic out of the window. I try to tell her she doesn't need to destroy everything and maybe we need a break. She swears at me.

We have an online shop with reprinted vintage sewing patterns for sale. Recently she suggested we advertise patterns and only when we get an order for a particular one, will we draft and print it. So basically, she has taken all of her patterns with her and I have had to remove all of the listings which weren't drafted. She would not leave the patterns here and has essentially screwed everything up. It is rather unfortunate and incredibly selfish and spiteful. We were beginning to make money, almost to the point where in a few months we could be existing off this income.

Her son has once again come to her rescue. He arrived with his girlfriend, the girlfriend whom my partner thinks is a B-----, and has openly called her that. She went there a couple of weeks ago and came back here telling me how awful it was, how they went out and did things together and left her in the house alone.

You know what? I am  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) off! This is  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) poor performance.  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) me! Talk about biting the hand which feeds you! Absolutely no respect whatsoever. But I am glad she has gone. I am relieved. Do I think this is the end? Unfortunately not. There will be more. There will be much blame and anger when she decides to drop back into my life.

My question is this. Why do we bother with these people? They make us unwell. They destroy our lives. Tonight I can see nothing worth even shedding a tear about.
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« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2019, 11:02:19 PM »

Excerpt
Just as I was at my wits end two days ago, she changed, just like that. She switched from hatred to love faster than the flick of a switch. Oh, it was all so lovely.
...
This lasted two days.
...
This morning she wakes up in a foul mood.

relationships with someone with BPD traits are stormy. there will be storms. ideally, with the tools, and the work to get to a more centered place, with relationship maintenance and working to lead the relationship on a healthier trajectory, the storms may be less frequent, they may be less severe, we may learn to better weather them. but there will be storms. its very important not to invest too much in which way the wind is blowing.

Excerpt
Why do we bother with these people?

ideally, because of love and commitment. sometimes, though, for unhealthy reasons of our own (and sometimes both).

Excerpt
Tonight I can see nothing worth even shedding a tear about.

there are reasons that you stay, and they may have to do with both. the irony is that stepping back and finding that thing about ourselves can be the step it takes either to make or break the relationship. we can be in a much better position as emotional leaders of our relationships when we clean our side of the street so to speak. or in some cases, we find that whats fulfilling about the relationship to us is unhealthy, and we detach from it.

Excerpt
Do I think this is the end? Unfortunately not.

so what is the plan?

if youre going into this, have a plan, not just hope, and not just love. "nothing changes without changes".
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« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2019, 11:44:05 PM »

Thanks Once Removed. I can do with as much support as I can get. The really difficult thing about all of this is she will not/can not change. She has every opportunity to get well or to at least learn to cope better, but she refuses or gives up. She stops taking medicine; and will not get into therapy.

So, getting to your point... what is the plan? I find it hard to come up with a solution. I have a son who is finishing school today. He is 18 and Autistic. He seems to be regressing as he gets older. He has just started with a therapist who is highly qualified and perfect for him. That is ONE good thing going on in my life! Unfortunately, I cannot transition him to independence in an instant. I have suggested to my partner that if we went halves on a rental somewhere close by, she could be away from him, and my other adult son whom she feels unsafe around. She is not willing to look at any compromise. If it isn't perfect, it just gets discarded. She appears to just sit in misery and I would almost say, she wants to be miserable.

Two days ago we were in bed together having sex. Everything was back to normal, whatever normal is. Actually not normal. Normal here is complete misery! But you know what I mean. Things were really nice. Then she just switched the other way, the exact opposite.

But the plan, the plan... What do I do here? I don't know what she will do. I can predict it to a certain extent but it is hard to know how far down this is at; what part of the rollercoaster track we are on. Maybe I should not worry about her right now. Yeah I love her.  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) knows why! At the moment I am finding her really difficult to be around.

She may come back with her entourage this weekend and milk this pogrom for all it's worth in front of an audience. Yes, I am feeling bitter and hurt! The other scenario is after three days she will be knocking on the bedroom window asking if I am going to let her come in. She'll tell me how awful her son's girlfriend is, her son's home is, whatever. I'll go into validation mode, she will go to bed and pull the sheet over her head and it will all begin again.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

What do you think I should do? I have not contacted her. No doubt she has been telling her son how awful I am, how she has been living in an abusive relationship, how I have been poisoning her coffee and making her sick. He does not have the tolerance I do.

I suppose I should try and appreciate the calm and not go mental like I have in the past. Maybe she needs to be shown that this sort of behaviour is not an effective way to communicate or deal with problems. What do you think? Is this a good change?
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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2019, 11:55:08 PM »

Excerpt
But the plan, the plan... What do I do here?

its hard to be specific here, but then thats kind of the point.

another member here once described it as not running around trying to put out every fire; you cant. its more about long term fire prevention. its about a mindset, a lifestyle change more than any specific conflict.

its about, as i said, weathering the storms, but really nurturing your relationship in times of calm.

Excerpt
Maybe she needs to be shown that this sort of behaviour is not an effective way to communicate or deal with problems.

sure...but a lot of us have a really destructive attitude when it comes to showing another person how to behave. positive reinforcement (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103822.0) is everything, especially when youre dealing with a person with bpd traits.

Excerpt
She is not willing to look at any compromise. If it isn't perfect, it just gets discarded.

so when you propose this (going halves on a rental), specifically, what does she say?

Excerpt
She'll tell me how awful her son's girlfriend is, her son's home is, whatever. I'll go into validation mode,

there are a lot of dos and donts when it comes to validation. its an important life skill, and people with bpd traits thrive in a validating environment. theres a great deal more to it though than finding magic words to calm your partner, and its really important not to validate the invalid. in other words, we often overdo it with the validation when there are other, better tools.

dont do the same old thing. far more effective to say "honey im just glad youre home" than "i know how much their home sucks you poor thing".
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« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2019, 12:19:11 AM »

With the rental idea... there is only so much I can offer. She knows I have a special needs son. This just gets in the way, her way. She tells me that it is not the sort of relationship she wants. She calls my children, my 'wives'. It is very offensive what comes out of her mouth, and untrue.

Look, this is a person who has massive fear of abandonment. She has one son who is in his mid 20's. Up until the age of 16, she was having him sleep in her bed. She cannot be alone. She causes so much crap in her life for herself and others around her that there are very few bridges left which she has not burned.

I am 90% certain she will be away for days, rather than weeks or months, then she will be back here complaining about her son's girlfriend, her son, their home, the World at large. I remember saying to a therapist I had seen for some time, about eight years ago, "Why do I put up with this". She said, "Nobody else would". I said, "Well we aren't really in a relationship as such", and she replied, "I wouldn't treat my friends like that".

I will look at the link you posted before. I guess there is nothing immediate I can do apart from work on myself. Thank you for your help.
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« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2019, 12:33:54 AM »

Excerpt
Look, this is a person who has massive fear of abandonment.

i make no mistakes about how difficult our partners are, 2020. theyre a choice, and one we should make with eyes wide open.

Excerpt
"Why do I put up with this". She said, "Nobody else would". I said, "Well we aren't really in a relationship as such", and she replied, "I wouldn't treat my friends like that".

i suppose i could say "your wife sucks and you should leave and theres something wrong with you if you dont". i dont know where that ever helped anyone. it might make you feel good. it wouldnt resolve the conflict in your relationship.

Excerpt
I guess there is nothing immediate I can do apart from work on myself.

theres a lot you can do, and a lot of it is relationship work.

Excerpt
"Why do I put up with this"

okay, ill ask it, and i encourage you to really think about it.

why are you in this relationship? why do you stay? think hard about this: what do you get out of it?
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« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2019, 01:07:05 AM »

Thank you for your ongoing time replying to me and helping me navigate this.

I am here on this board because I am trying to better this relationship. I want this to work. I have kids and family telling me to leave her or give her the wide birth. I have tried explaining to them but they are sick of my dramas.

I am with her because I have low self esteem. I was in a long term abusive relationship for 16 years before I was kicked out onto the street with my eldest son in 2004. I sat alone for years and then this woman came along and love-bombed me. You know how this works, I am sure.

So I grew up as a kid in a household with a violent angry narcissistic father and a very kind compassionate giving mother. I decided to emulate my mother in life. And maybe I am now with someone like my father?

What I am getting out of it is I get to run around like my mother did, trying to keep people happy, trying to get approval. I get some moments of happiness with my partner but she will never admit to any times of happiness with me. I get a sporadic sex life with a woman I am attracted to. I went many years with no partner, no sex as such. I was so damaged it took me years to not feel scared enough to have sex with my current partner.

She does have some very good qualities. She can be very kind at times. She does not altogether lack empathy. She can get very emotional about how humans treat plants for example. There are things I really like about her. We can laugh at the same things. It is this all or nothing, black and white thinking which gets in the way. And the accusations of all sorts of conspiracy theories; the gaslighting I think they call it.

It is difficult to plan anything with her. The plan was this... we get some sort of online business happening, get a couple of thousand saved and go back to the UK and Europe in November for a couple of months. Come back here, sort out some better living arrangement, work at the business for another year until such time as we can move to either England (where I am from), France (where she would like to be), or Italy. I don't know... it was all this crazy dream.

Do I love her? I think I actually do! I have no idea what she thinks of me. I try not focus on the crap which comes out of her mouth when she is angry. Unfortunately, I think this is a massive blow up for her right now. Maybe she just needed to get away because she couldn't cope with her intense emotions? The problem I have right now is if I am going to repair something here, I need to tread carefully. Here I am once again with a similar sad tale and I feel like a loser that very little has changed.
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« Reply #20 on: September 27, 2019, 01:26:29 AM »

OK. So what I am finding helpful here is this link I found elsewhere on BPD Family:

https://www.facebook.com/BPDBeautifulBorderlinePersonalityDisorder/

It seems to be a support thing for BPD sufferers. I am finding it interesting and useful to read about it from the other perspective. Maybe others here might benefit too?

Today I will not drink 20 cups of coffee and stress out. I think I might just need to give her some space. I will try to focus on some other things and spend some time with my kids.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #21 on: September 27, 2019, 01:53:07 AM »

When you talked about starting a different thread, if you were talking about starting a thread on how to maintain a relationship with your sons despite the conflict with your partner, that's a great idea.  It's part of the larger theme of how we maintain our course and our individual priorities without throwing everything out the window while we're focusing everything we've got on coping with our partners.

RC
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« Reply #22 on: September 27, 2019, 02:33:16 AM »

Radcliff, living with a partner with BPD has been very difficult. My children have been on the back burner for way too long. My youngest son sits alone in his room all day and as soon as I walk down the hallway to make a coffee, he leaps up and follows me into the kitchen. He craves interaction but has not had enough. I find it INCREDIBLY difficult even approaching my partner with, "I was going to go to the shop soon with ..." I get sarcasm, mockery, or abuse. He wants me to build a model railroad with him. This is way out of the question under current circumstances. Yes, maybe I do need to make a new thread. I did read what you said a few days ago. Also what GaGrl said. It is all very sad really. My son had the last day of school today. He has had to say goodbye to some teachers he really loves. He is trying to cope with this somehow. And all the time I am preoccupied with my partner's wellbeing.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2019, 01:59:50 AM »

It's great that he wants time with you and to build a model railroad with you.  We often don't have signals that clear about how to spend time with our teenagers.  What prevents you from building the railroad?

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« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2019, 12:13:49 PM »

OK. An update.

So I get an enquiry about something we have for sale and I need to speak to my partner about it. I ring her son but it goes straight to message bank. About three minutes later I get a phone call from my partner. She is at a public phone box ringing. I am not sure whether she got my message or if she was calling coincidentally. She said her son had gone out with his girlfriend.

I was actually glad to hear her voice. She seemed to need to tell me how awful it was at her son's place. How they were treating her like an outsider. How she has to ask for a coffee and feels awkward. Then she went into a big tirade about their apartment, his bossy girlfriend, how her son could have done so much better etc. I think I did a pretty good job in listening and validating what she was feeling. There was no real conflict between us except for a few potential areas which I navigated the conversation onto other things.

She is stuck out there for a few days. I need to get my car back on the road and it cannot be done before Tuesday. She has no money with her either so she is kind of stuck until mid week. I am not going to fix this. I can feel sorry for her in a way. She was having a hard time coping, depression for days, anxiety going through the roof, then she drank and got her son to rescue her. I'd say that now she is probably feeling some regret. Who knows?

I was not coping well last night. I hadn't eaten and didn't sleep much. Today I am thinking I need to reframe what is going on in these moments of hell. When she goes away, I should not stress out like I do. It might just be that she has to do this in order to survive. I should see this as respite; a holiday. I need to recharge and focus on some other things.

So with my son... because I have this BPD relationship, it has become almost impossible to do anything with him alone or with us all together. We did do some things together six years ago but she quickly put a stop to it. I cannot even drop my son at school without some wild alegation of infidelity hitting me when I return 15 minutes later. I used to think she was just being nasty and surely she seriously couldn't believe that? But she does. She lets her imagination run riot. She can't help it.

The thing which is stopping me is maybe this Fear Obligation Guilt. How does one turn around the power they wield over us? Funny enough, she speaks frequently of being powerless, yet this household is running the way it is because nobody wants to set her off. She has a short fuse, like VERY short! I need to get one of those landmine disposal suits and wear it all the time. God help me if I cut the wrong wire! Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Apparently, she said she is going to book into a campsite next week and live in a tent. Either that or she is hitting the road and heading South. She told me twice she just wants to die. You need nerves of steel handling this. If they ever have an emblem for BPD, like a veterans day poppy or a pink ribbon for cancer, it would have to be a red flag. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I'll see how things unfold or unravel over the next few days and update. Thanks for all of your guidance.

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)


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« Reply #25 on: September 29, 2019, 05:27:41 PM »

How does one turn around the power they wield over us?

We give them the power.  The solution is to stop giving it to them.  Other members who started out stuck as you are have shared examples of taking the initiative and doing things with their kids despite uncooperative partners.

Why not build the train set like crazy while she is away?  It's also important to do things with him when she is not away so he understands he's a priority.  If you were to set aside protected times to work on the train set with him, what obstacles or negative outcomes do you anticipate?

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« Reply #26 on: September 30, 2019, 09:53:08 PM »

Thanks Radcliff. The day is decending into misery again here. I took my son to this therapist yesterday. She is an Autism authority and seems like a really great match. We are looking at ways to make time for my son and I to spend together.

My partner and I have spoken by phone a few times now. She rang up the first time and ended up hanging up on me. Then she rang back a few hours later and said straight up that she was sorry she did that. We seemed to have a reasonable phone call. Discussed mainly what she is feeling.

Yesterday she called me and I had Just returned from the appointment with my son. She asked what I had been up to and I explained the positive progress I had made with my son and the therapist. She got angry and hung up on me. Today she called me and at first appeared to be almost happy. I later realised it was sarcasm as she began accusing me of spending time with my 'wife' (my ex-partner from 2004; I have never been married). She accused me of various sexual acts with my ex, laughing about her with my kids. I was silent. She asked if I had anything to say about that and I said I didn't know what to say other than saying she sounded upset. I got the usual, "Why wouldn't I be"? She then told me I was a squid who couldn't stand up for anything. After a few more seconds of this I hung up on her.

I felt bad about it afterwards. I kept thinking that she is mentally unwell and has a disability and I have been unkind to her. I rang her son and left a message for her to please call me. She rings up and mocks my voice after I said, "Hello"? Then she tells me she wants half the money in the business account because she has booked a ticket to a city 1500km away. I was angry. I said, "Ok. See you!" and hung up on her.

I have been having a couple of calm days without her crap in my life. And now she is back doing this. She sounded like she had been drinking when she called. I doubt she is going anywhere. She hasn't booked a ticket. She is too  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) up to be around anyone it seems. She is lost without having someone else to blame. This has just left me feeling sad. I was hoping to see her today. I was hoping we can go away together tomorrow for a night. I don't know what to do now.
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« Reply #27 on: October 02, 2019, 10:31:36 AM »

Staff only

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked.  The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339874.msg13079532#msg13079532
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