Finally over - On my way to recovery

[Pytagoras]

Hello everyone.

I had several topics here and in the forum "bettering...", about my exbpdgf.

You can see my last topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338744.0

It turns out that she cheated on my several times, she had boyfriends while i was her boyfriend, she robbed my money, she lied a lot and in the end, she was keeping me here, if anything would go wrong while initiating a romance with other guy who she says is the guy who she loves more then anyone else in her past.
(She knows him at 20 days, and in the meanwhile, she was calling me "my love", "miss you", kissing me, etc).

In the last days i discovered a lot of her secrets and things she was doing behind my back all along the relationship. She was always involved with other guys while completely paranoid with jealous with me.

She is painting me black sayng awful things about me to other people while being romantic with me.

A complete liar, seducer and manipulator.

She said she had no one else while changing her relationship status on the Facebook. Completely disrespectful for the 3y we were togheter and all the things i did for her. Including giving plenty of money, paying her bills, etc.

Anyway, i'm now on my way to recovery. Very hard tough. I couldn't sleep the night i discovered everything.

I am now 8 days NC. And improving. I am gaining some weight and sleeping a little better every night.

I pass plenty of my time reading about BPD. It helps me. What helps also in this phase is knowing that she will victimize everyone in her life and so, it was not my fault (i know it's not the best atitude, but it gives me solace).

I get back to the gym, and i am taking care of my self, things that i was neglecting in this final phase.

All summer was awful to me, working long hours, and she had a new bf, then get back to me, then all the uncertainty and now, finally, revealed herself.

[mama-wolf]

What helps also in this phase is knowing that she will victimize everyone in her life and so, it was not my fault (i know it's not the best atitude, but it gives me solace).

Dear Pytagoras, I think this is the only attitude to have in recovering from a relationship with a pwBPD: It was not your fault.

I'm so sorry you went through this.  Betrayal like what you described is very hard to overcome, but it sounds like you have seen a key truth in her behavior.  So often we Nons internalize misplaced guilt over what has happened.  I know I have.  I'm glad you are taking better care of yourself, continuing to read and learn about the disorder, and focusing your attention on healing.  Keep going!

mw

[madmac27]

Everything you just wrote is EXACTLY my story. With the exception that it was my wife. You are doing all the right things, and for what it's worth, light years ahead of me. My dBPD wife is 10 gone days and spreading rumours like wild fire. When I found out she was doing this the whole time and cheating on top of it, I was shell shocked (still am).

Thank you for posting. I don't have much in the way of advice but i am grateful for your post. This site has been a lifeboat for me.

Are you going to therapy? It helps me get grounded and takes the edge off the nightmare I was/am living to some degree.

Hang in there Pytagoras! Please keep posting. If only for you.

[Pytagoras]

Hello,

Thank you mama-wolf and madmac27, for your responses. Glad to ear from you.

I am now in my 10th day NC. And 7th since i heard excruciant stories about what she was doing and saying and i convinced myself that was over. I am improving very slowly. There are days that i am better, others that is very hard.

There is one thing, though that is very hard to me to accept: the sex.

We had good sex in the begining (not great sex, because she couldn't handle it very long), but just in the honeymoon period that lasted about 2 month. After that, the sex was increasingly rare and very short lived. She seemed unconfortable and always in a rush to end it. When i tried to do it harder, she seemed unconfortable and in pain (she said she had problems in the uterus. Got surgery later). So, there was a time that i was even afraid of doing it with her, since i didn't want to hurt her. Also, she needed to control everything. I didn't have the option to be the man and have the control. She couldn't accept that altought said otherwise. When i started having sex with her, i was very confident and in the end i've lost a great deal of it. She said her last bf who she loved a lot, had erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. That he only could perform sex when took viagras and kamagras. So i was going there and show how it would be diferent with me.

In the middle of our relationship, the only times she seemed to have desire for me and when it was better was when she get drunk.

Nevertheless, i ended up discovering she was having sex with other guys, and also bragging about it to friends, being very graphic. She said she liked it very very hard, even that they beat her up, and other stuff that she only liked in the beggining with me, or very rarely, or even never (She was very unconfortable, when i was more agressive). Also, i notest that she bragged in the beggining and i tought it was a seductive move (she says she does this and that, because she knows men love it, and so i'm hooked).

Sometimes she came to sleep with me, very close, falling asleep in my chest, and with bruises in her body made by the other guys. And with me, zero sex.

All along our relationship, she always promised sex activities that she never fulfilled.

I think she is terrified about intimacy, and she can do some sex perfomances in the beggining, to impress and sometimes maybe because she actually like it, but when she starts a relationship with someone, the closeness blocks her and it's very difficult for her to open up in a sexual manner. That is my opinion. Now she is saying that the bf that she loved the most was a guy that was kind to her ( i know him, she dated him years before me ). She was the guy whom she cheated the most. She never had sex with him and she was having sex with lots and lots of other guys, sometimes 3 guys a day, and even with his friends. Was this love?

She made sex with thousands of guys, and i am not exagerating.  She has been doing it for 20 years and at an unstoppable pace. How can a person like this be healthy in sex? What is the burden she carries?

She claims she was sexually abused in childhood and for a while admitted to having sexual problems. Just to alter everything later and claim that i was the one to blame.

Now, she is telling everyone that i am lousy in bed, the worst she ever had and that i was the guy who gave her the least pleasure.

I had several girlfriends, and at least some of them loved me in bed. I am an active guy, who likes sports, who is healthy and fit. But this is making me feel bad about myself. I was never critized nor treated like this.

What do you think?

[mama-wolf]

From what I understand, the behavior of your ex sounds pretty consistent with borderline behavior.  For many pwBPD, once they get close to you, the fear of abandonment can lead to cheating with others.  While they're doing that, they may not want to let you go...you may not have triggered them to split on you yet, which would lead to them discarding you, so they try to keep what they have with you.  This was not my experience with my uBPDxw, so others here may have a better explanation for you...

How can a person like this be healthy in sex?

Well...she's not.  And in fact, I would suggest you get tested for the possibility of any communicable diseases given that she cheated on you that many times while you were together.

What is the burden she carries?

She claims she was sexually abused in childhood and for a while admitted to having sexual problems. Just to alter everything later and claim that i was the one to blame.

The activity you described sounds to me like hypersexuality, which I understand can be a result of childhood sexual abuse.  Whether or not she changes her story later, that does seem to fit the behavior.

Now, she is telling everyone that i am lousy in bed, the worst she ever had and that i was the guy who gave her the least pleasure.

I had several girlfriends, and at least some of them loved me in bed. I am an active guy, who likes sports, who is healthy and fit. But this is making me feel bad about myself. I was never critized nor treated like this.

What do you think?

I think you need to hold on to the reality that you experienced with your other girlfriends--the fact that they had no issues with your performance in bed, and you never had doubts like this until this one person started her smear campaign.  That is a result of her disorder--not a reflection of your truth. 

I know it may not feel like it, but you have nothing to prove to anyone.  It is incredibly painful to know someone is out there saying mean things and telling lies about us...especially since we cannot control that behavior, nor can we really do much to refute it.  It takes a lot of effort, energy, and patience to stay focused on what we can control and let others come to see the truth on their own.

mw

[Pytagoras]

Thks mama-wolf, for the response,

It's hard to see that the person who you attached to, only wanted sex with you in the honeymoon phase and almost never wanted to have sex to you later, doing it with other guys,

Idk if she is hypersexual. I think she is not sex-driven. I think she does it more to impress the new guys. I never saw her really fond to sex. She even told me, years before we dated, that when she atracted guys, was only to not being alone, not for sex. She needs the attention, to be apreciated and liked and pursued, but i don't think sex is a main focus to her. But she knows that it is one of the main strategies she can use to atract. And then she brags about sex perfomances...

I criticized her about our lack of sexuality. She always reassured me that she desired me. I think braging is algo a form of not feeling bad about herself, also blaming me.

I think she is, attention-driven and needs to assure that has other options in case the main option (the bf) fails. That helps her reduce her anxiety.

When i said "healthy in sex" i refered to psychological and emotional health. How can a person, with such a fear of intimacy can have satisfatory sex?