Shame, guilt and fear

[MissLulu]

This is my first post here, so I hope I'm posting in the right spot.

I'm a 53 year old mum of three boys (married to their dad). I believe my eldest son (23) has BPD, although he has not been formally diagnosed (that I know of). He has been seeing a psychologist for about 5 years - very regularly for the past 12 months. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and more recently depression and is medicated for these conditions. I don't know if he has been diagnosed with BPD, but after years of reading and researching his symptoms, I truly believe that he has it. Of course, he is an adult so I have no right to his medical information. He doesn't like to talk about his therapy. So I guess what I am saying is I'm here under the assumption he has BPD, but I can't be 100% sure.

I'm not really sure where to start with all his issues. If I told you everything this would be a novel, not a post. I'll start with our most pressing problem, which is our living situation.

He moved out of home at 20 and did pretty well for about 18 months, but financial issues eventually forced him back home. A few months later he moved out with new friends (not a great crowd - lots of drug use and drinking involved) but this living arrangement very quickly turned sour. I don't really know what happened but he ended up back with us. He's now been home for about ten months, and it's not ideal. Our 16 year old son lives with us too. Our 20 year old son lives away from home (he's at university in the city) but stays over on weekends as he has a part time job in our town. Having our 23 yr old back home causes lots of tension in the household and I don't feel it's fair for my other kids to have to put up with that. Sometimes he's fine, but there are frequent meltdowns, which makes life miserable for the rest of us.

He has changed jobs in the last year and is now earning a stable income. It's a reasonably low paying job, but it's enough money to support himself. As a result of the many dramas we've experienced since he's been home (which I'll save for another post) my husband and I decided that we would ask him to move out. We talked to him at a time when he was calm and we framed it like this: "We know you prefer not to live at home, and we feel that we all get along better when you have your own space, so we'd like to help you find somewhere else to live." We set a deadline for the end of the year, which he agreed to. Of course he hasn't done anything at all about finding a new place, so it's been up to us to do the legwork. We've found somewhere that might work and (after lots of gentle prompting and several major meltdowns) today he put in an application to rent it. (No idea if it will be successful.)

Today I'm feeling relieved that he has actually taken a positive step, but I'm also feeling exhausted by the work it's taken to get to this point. I'm also worried about him living alone - will he go to work each day? Will he trash the rental accommodation? Will he feel isolated and end up hurting himself as a result? I know I can't control these things but I worry about them anyway. Mostly though, I worry that he won't find anywhere to rent and we will be stuck with him.

That kind of brings me to the title of my post. I feel so beaten down by this illness. I'm living with constant shame, guilt and fear. I feel shame that my son does not function the way I expected he would when he was growing up; shame at his behaviour, and his lack of ability to achieve basic things. (Even his personal hygiene is lacking - we have to nag him to do things like clean his teeth.)

Then I feel immense guilt at my parenting. I keep reading that BPD is caused by abuse or neglect. I don't know what my husband and I did wrong. We have a very happy marriage and our son was raised with love. He was given a good education and all the same opportunities as our other kids - sports teams, music lessons, birthday parties, family vacations etc etc. We took care to spend time with our kids and we never used physical punishment with them. We tried to set clear boundaries, and teach them right from wrong, but also took care to praise them and tell them they were loved and special. I'm rambling now, justifying my parenting to myself, because clearly we got something wrong. I had postnatal depression after my son was born and I wonder if that is what cased this? Or maybe it was because we didn't realise he had a problem until it was too late for us to be involved in his treatment. In any case, I feel guilty.

I also feel afraid. Afraid of what's coming next. I never know what crisis is looming around the corner. I feel like I'm living my life on high alert.

Most of all, I guess I feel like a terrible mother for not wanting my son in my house.

Sorry for the very long post. I guess I need to vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello MissLulu
Welcome to the group. I am glad you are here. This is a great place to find good information and support. I am so sorry about your son. Please don't worry about the length of your posts. They can be as long as you like. Sometimes it is good to let it all out. I know what you mean about the feelings of guilt and shame that go with having a child with BPD but the reality is we all did the best we could. Most psychologists agree that this disorder is caused by a combination of genetics and environment. You may never know the exact cause but that's OK. What matters is your commitment to try and help make things better. I hope your son is successful in living on his own. Is his (hopefully) new apartment close by? How do you think you might help ease the transition ?

 
 
 

[MissLulu]

Hi FaithHopeLove,

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, his new accommodation is about ten minutes drive from our house and it is very close to his work.

We have committed to helping him financially for 12 months.  (A small weekly payment to help with his rent.) This is because it is expensive to rent a single bedroom unit. It would be much more affordable if he could find people to share with, but he seems to have difficulty living with others. We have suggested that he come home at least once a week for a meal and we will regularly drop by to see how he is doing. His youngest brother will also keep in regular contact with him. (Our middle son tolerates him and is civil but wants as little to do with him as possible - which I understand.)

He has friends nearby - decent ones, who seem to be a good influence - so we hope that they will spend time with him too.

Ultimately, there's not a lot that we can do to ensure this works, other than continue to let him know we are available for support if he needs it. It may not work out. But I feel for the mental health of everyone else in the family, he really needs to be out of our house.

[FaithHopeLove]

That all sounds quite do-able providing your son wants to make it work. Do you sense that he does?

[Bluemoon23]

Welcome and oh my how your words resonate. Feeling the same shame, fear, guilt.

I called the police to remove my kiddo Aug 6th and they have not returned. I had asked them to move out for the 4th time and like you they were not looking but having meltdowns about being homeless and killing themselves.

My sister is letting them stay short term and so they will eventually be asked to leave there soon.

After almost 2 years of watching them do less and less it's become apparent they were regressing and in fact hiding out here with me.

This situation became intolerable for me and I have to be tough in not wanting to enable this kind of lethargy. I cannot tolerate anymore the not doing anything. I am working at home and doing the best I can to support myself and them. And I'm now worn out financially, emotionally and physically.

It's hard and I know that. You and your family deserve a peaceful house and I hope you can find strength in making the best decisions to achieve that.

Take good care and good you are posting and sharing as you go through this. You are not alone in the pain and the shame.

[MissLulu]

Bluemoon23,
Thanks so much for your reply. I'm sorry you are going through this too. It is such a difficult thing - to love your child but not want them in your home. I spend every day fearing what might happen next.

I hope your child finds somewhere more permanent soon.

How are you coping now that they are gone? Do you have other kids living with you and how are they coping?

[Bluemoon23]

Thank you MissLulu. It is hard. I have only 1 child and I am alone. I'm coping. I have reached out and am attending 2 groups. The Family Connections group I'm meeting weekly for 12 weeks and I also am attending a parent peer support group weekly ongoing. I also considered going to Al-Non to help with disentangling myself from my kiddo's life and chaos.

The two groups I am going to are helping tremendously and while last week I was a basket case and crying all the time, I was able to text my kid yesterday and in fact ran into them walking to my group. I walked with them a bit and talked with them.

So I'm getting stronger in how I'm feeling and feeling better about what I am doing. And remembering that I am not just doing it for me but for them in their best interests too.

It is hard to not want your child living with you but sometimes it can help them figure it out better away from you. At least that is what I like to think and hope.