Hurtful texts

[Beachtime]

Hi, I read and learn so much on this site. My young adult ubpd 19 year old son exhibits many of the behaviors I read about on this site. After some pretty bad behaviors, lots of lies, and trouble, he decided to move out and is currently working in another state. He is very good at getting unsuspecting others who do not know him or his family to believe whatever sad story he makes up to get what he wants or needs. My spouse and I do not hear from him much since he decided to move away but when we do it's often because he needs something. We do our best to validate the valid and to be supportive and to move forward without rehashing things. We work very hard on not reacting. We did not always handle things perfectly, especially when we did not understand what was going on with him. I love my son so much and never expected to be dealing with such hurtful behaviors. His moods can be scary and intimidating to me and I never want to escalate his mean behavior towards me. I don't want to lose him forever. He has disappeared for months before with no warning. Every now and then I receive very hurtful texts from him. These texts are verbally abusive. I rarely respond to these texts. I recently received another mean text complete with curses and insults in response to a text I sent him which was kind and congratulating him on a promotion he got that he told me a few weeks ago that he would probably get and he knew that I would hear about this so I thought it was safe to text him. My last conversation with him a few weeks ago was good, I thought. So sending this text seemed safe. His response to my text has shaken me up and was unexpected or I never would have texted him. I don't know if I should just ignore his abusive text, or should respond somehow, or maybe block him so I can protect me. I am feeling so hurt. This is my precious child that I love and he was so sweet as a kid. I never expected this. I feel like if I continue to ignore the mean texts it gives him the message that it is ok to continue to treat me this way. My husband says to not respond. It is easier for him to not feel so hurt. I am really hurting. Any advice is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Beachtime
Welcome to the group. What you are going through sounds painfully familiar to me and to many of us. My son also says nasty things to me. Usually it happens when he feels threatened or unsure of himself. I am wondering if maybe your son was feeling insecure about his new responsibilities. I nonBPD person would see a promotion as a good thing and be happy to be congratulated for it. But a person with BPD tends to lack that self confidence. They may wonder if they can meet all the new demands on them that a higher position entails. To them congratulatory messages like "You can do it. You'll be great." can be scary. Plus if congratulations comes from a parent, even one they are somewhat estranged from, it can make them feel like they may lose your support because you will think they don't need you anymore. Their emotional world is not like ours. We have to learn a new language called BPDese (actually I just made that word up but you know what I mean) in order to communicate with them. When it comes to my own son's successes I have adopted the mantra "one step at a time."
All that said, it is not OK to abuse you. That is where your own boundaries come in. You have to decide what your core values are and what those values mean in terms of what you will and will not tolerate from others. You can't control your son's behavior but you can decide what you will allow and what will result in you hanging up the phone or deleting an email or whatever else you need to do to stay true to who you are. I am sensing you do not see yourself as a person who deserves to be cussed at and I am sure you are right. So I guess the question I have for you moving forward is are you ready to set some boundaries and if so how do you plan to do it? We all are walking with you.
Hugs
Faith

[Beachtime]

Faith, thank you so much for your response. What you said makes a lot of sense. I try to be so careful in when and how I communicate with him. On the outside to his peers he comes across as very secure and overly confident but is probably not as confident as he seems. Communicating with him truly is like walking on eggshells and is exhausting. I don't know if I should respond or not to his latest very mean text to me. Usually I do not respond to the very hurtful texts because trying to say that it is not okay to curse at me or trying to explain what he oftentimes mispercieves in any message that I or his dad sends only results in more hurtful texts from him. But not responding to verbal abuse seems to be giving him permission in a way to continue to treat me, his mom, in a very hurtful disrespectful way. This has escalated in the past two years. I am clearly his target. He would never act this way in public or to anyone else. To others and to other parents he acts very respectful. I feel like I need to respond but I do not know what to say to not make the situation worse. I have never cried so much in my life. I tried to be a good mom and to be understanding and supportive of him. I hope that things will improve. I don't know what to do.

[FaithHopeLove]

I know what it is like to be the target. I think we need to protect ourselves. What do you think would happen if you told your son something like "I care about you and I am sorry you are going through a tough time. I want to help you. I can't do that when you are cursing at me. If you stop doing that we can talk. If you keep sending me nasty texts I am going to have to delete them and end the conversation. Please tell me what is wrong without curse words or insults." I am considering saying something like this to my son too. Maybe we can figure this out together along with input from others in the group. What are your thoughts?

[Beachtime]

Thank you, Faith. I like your suggestions. It is so painful to be the target. I hope things get better with your son.  I agree that we need to protect ourselves. I feel so anxious just thinking about my son's latest text and what I need to say to set up boundaries to protect myself but to not lose him. I read a lot about boundaries but can't seem to effectively express my boundaries to him without everything backfiring, as he reinterprets or misinterprets everything I say. He also 'punishes back' if his dad or I try to set up boundaries or hold him accountable. He will blocking us, hanging up on me, or by going no contact. He has a very troubled peer who encourages him to do these things. Her parents, who do not know me or my family, have encouraged and enabled my son in the past to cut off contact with us and have provided for him. We had no idea about this at first. He was being encouraged and basically rewarded by strangers for treating us this way. This shouldn't work for him but it does. I need to figure out how to communicate with him and how to set up boundaries and to hopefully have a better relationship with him. His very hurtful and mean treatment of me should not "work" for him. Unfortunately I think he still has these enablers who may be filling the 'parent' role for him and justifying and possibly fueling his mean behavior of us in his mind. How he treats his own parents doesn't seem to bother him. It's a mess. But, there have been times recently when he needed me and I was there for him. I was so relieved he was back in my life and I knew if I said the wrong thing he would disappear. I would love to figure out what to say. I hope we can figure this out. I'm sorry to hear that you are also dealing with nasty texts from your son. I like your idea of asking him what is wrong without him using insults or curses. I welcome input from the group. I feel like no one in my life understands how hard this is. I am very thankful for this group.

[FaithHopeLove]

If you try the "tell me what is wrong without curses and insults" approach let me know how it works and I will do likewise. Boundaries are more about us than them. We have to decide what our core values. For me respect is a core value as it seems to be with you. Therefore I am not OK with curses and insults. When someone who is not my son speaks to me like that I walk away or delete their text. Now I think the same will go for him.

[Bluemoon23]

Hi there

I too am dealing with this. I did not speak with my kiddo for over a month because of their verbal and text messages that were terribly hurtful. I am starting to communicate via text with them again and keeping my convos short for right now and not addressing the mess before.

I agree that you have to protect yourself and that you do not deserve that kind of painful treatment. I hope you are able to craft a response that honours your values and satisfies your boundary of no more.

Will be interested to see how that helps and works for you. So many of us are dealing with these kinds of situations.

[Beachtime]

Thank you Faith and Bluemoon. Dealing with hurtful text messages is really painful. Is not responding to what was basically a verbal assault to me invalidating? Any response I send, no matter how I word it, will most likely result in more mean texts. I would rather avoid more pain. Not responding though seems to send a message that his horrible messages are ok. I might send a letter which would at least not get an impulsive, immediate mean response from him. I don't want to JADE or invalidate his feelings but I don't deserve his awful texts. I don't know how to craft this message to say 'no more', and not get more nasty messages. My biggest fear is that he will feel rejected from whatever I say and that I will never hear from him again. Sadly, he may not care about the relationship at all. I am so very heartbroken.